Friday, December 31, 2004
but everyone’s home and the feeling is goody goody good.
i just love the notion that special days are reserved just for family. Well, actually, i don’t really think new year’s eve/day is spectacularly special, but i guess it’s just significant enough.
nice, i love being home with everyone around me. While a good portion of Singapore is out, i am nuaing at home, comfy, smelling nice and feeling nice. *grins inwardly*
Well, as usual, i have nothing intelligent to say. ok, i do have a few posts saved here and there but right now, i don’t particularly feel like typing anything meaningful or with direction.
then again... i did want to get in my last post of 2004 in before the first second into 2005 passes by.
Yeah. The wireless internet connection is up but because my room’s the furthest from the access point, the connection is as fragile as a, as a... er, goldfish’s tail. yeah, goldfish tail.
no, butterfly wings.
yeah, that’s the one.
Well, before the year ends with that last second that is hopping up and down waiting his turn to come by, there are just a few things i want to say to everyone who’s been with me, through this year 2004.
What would my life have been without all of you? My precious friends, school mates, bloggers, martians, plutonians (i know you guys came by that night, don’t think i didn’t see you)
My life has been shaped, aided, lived, enjoyed, worth it, by the very fact that you’ve been here for me, in whichever way that you were. I just want all of you to know that, for all you’ve done, i THANK YOU.
In my eyes, you are:
Treasured, even if you don’t think you’re worth a dime,
Loved, even though you might’ve seriously considered murdering me,
Thought of, even though you might’ve forgotten me,
Special, even if you thought you never were.
You have made life bearable, made this person one happy soul. Words cannot describe how much my heart wishes to thank you for your time, your effort, your care, your attention, your FRIENDSHIP.
With much love and respect, joline wants to tell you that you have been the bestest in the whole wide world and she wishes with all her heart that in the coming year and the others to come, her friendship with you will grow stronger and deeper!
For once, (this is news) evil twin sister stopped her antagonistic attitude and nodded her head in agreement with very little coaxing.
Last but never never least,
THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING ME THROUGH THIS YEAR RELATIVELY UNSCATHED, WHO SUSTAINED ME DURING MY WEAKEST HOUR and WHO BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO HIMSELF.
*a post on current issues to come*
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
That thing is: trying to counsel a girl and then end up getting emotionally attached to her and having feelings for her. Wake up your idea lah, all of you. It just shows how .......
I needn't explain further.
Anyway people, it's been so long since i've updated. i miss blogging a whole load! I haven't gotten my stuff done yet and am still loaning the laptop from my mommy who thankfully isn't quite computer savvy.
I hope things have been ok with everyone. Are you doing ok?!?!?!??!??!
Gee. it's been crazy-busy these days. Because of Christmas, because of friends, because of presents and everything else, the works.
I cannot go into detail because this nut of a laptop is known to do stupid things if i just happen to press the 'delete' button in a certain way.
I need to get a bluetooth adaptor for my dinosaur age laptop.
I need to get my arrows. NEW arrows.
TJ?! COME OUT FROM THAT PLACE WILL YOU?! (haha)
All right, i have to go now. Massive present wrapping session is in order.
*Keep healthy and whole!*
Saturday, December 18, 2004
YOU MADE IT ALL HAPPEN. THANK YOU EVERYONE. GOD BLESS. :-))))
Did someone chop off my fingers?
Well let's say that the internet connection in my room has been cut because this thingy, for lack of the real word, died on me. That leaves me with the option of snitching someone else's computer.
But someone else's computer isn't called someone else's computer for nothing. So hence the lack of blog posts.
Kinda saved one post in my newly purchased thumbdrive. WOW, thumbdrive in Jo's possession? That's new. Yes, i am a self professed technophobe but i AM trying ok.
I daren't type too long on this laptop because this one is known to pull stunts too. Haiya.
It's been busy since last thursday. Will talk about that soon once i've got things settled. It's nothing much for the reader to gawk over. It's just that i am feeling very blessed by everyone around me. :-) And i intend not to forget these things too quickly.
Gee, my sandles give my feet such a pong! *poooh*
Something interesting and totally unexpected has happened and i was taken aback for just that moment.
Strangely? Or by the grace of God? i am not really affected.
Thing is, the acid/litmus test will come only when that day (if it exists) arrives, which i am surprisingly not getting jittery about.
Is it really that i am ok now, or am i just in desensitized mode. I get that way sometimes. It's only when crunch time comes when i feel everything crash upon me.
Well, let it be, let it be. Que Sara Sara?
Christmas hits us again. I'm so not going to launch into another negative speech on Christmas and what society has made it. For now. (?)
I love YOU ALL.
*pictures are in order, once i get my system back up and running*
Friday, December 10, 2004
Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered,
powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,
being fire you are quite strong and powerful,
people look up to you greatly and often seek
your protection. You have the ability to gain
many friends and you are always one people can
count on to do what you say you will do. You
are extremely loyal be it friends or family
you'll stick up for them and you are never
willing to put them in a position that could
hurt them. You know what roll you play in life,
leader, and you intend to let people know it.
Not everyone is capable of leadership but you
certainly have the willpower and flare to do
it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself,
one that can often lead you into trouble. Once
your mind is made up there is no changing it
but no one said that was a bad thing.
.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
Note: Quite true to an extent, methinks. But the words "powerful" is so funny! Unless you're talking about... arm strength. Heh heh heh.
What say you?
(from pulling arrows out without my rubber grip)
1. Sores all over my palms.
2. Blister or two on either hand.
(from getting hit by the bow string)
1. Opened a fresh wound.
And while meandering through the tight throng of archers, i poked a guy in his wonderful pectorals with my stabilizer. With much embarrassment from me.
YOU TELL ME HOW TO SHOOT PROPERLY FOR THE COMPETITION TOMORROW?
MOST OF MY COMPOUND FEMALE COMPETITORS ARE FROM THE NATIONAL TEAM.
HOW ABOUT THAT?!
I'VE ONLY PRACTICED TWICE FOR THIS COMPETITION!
Can someone psycho me tonight?
My mental shape is bad.
I might just get a placing if my confounded arm would STOP SHAKING!
I'm not exactly elated with my scores of, round 1 -> 227 and round 2 -> 232 (perfect score is 300) for the qualifying rounds today.
But, when i rethink about it, considering i practiced a "grand total" of 6 to 7 hours for this competition (thanks or no thanks to the many times i've been out and NOT training), i guess it isn't all that bad.
It's bad, but not, TERRIBLE until cannot make it. I was afraid i couldn't even hit 200!
The national archers shooting with me were hitting 250+, 260+ and 271.
Hm, my first competition ever. I injured an arm muscle while helping to remove arrows.
I think i might give up on the ever joining the national team.
Because the archery politics, and community in general, is really quite rotten.
But i also ask myself. Should i allow that to deter me?
Thing is, there's a very fine line between giving up something you love and avoiding trouble. And trouble does NOT only encompass trouble within the archery arena itself.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
It is the end of the year. It has arrived. It hardly feels it's time for december.
And although the end of it doesn't exactly hold much significance because this year wasn't particularly special, i still feel depressed over it.
No, no. Don't get me wrong. This year has definitely brought to light some rather interesting/special episodes.
The one thing that would add THEE strong value to it, is if i had to leave some wonderful people behind, because of the passing of a year/academic final year.
Which in this case, does not exist.
Emo Jo? Yuh. Perhaps.
Something just seems to be pulling at tugging at my heart. WHY?!??!
What is it, Heart? You got yourself a problem?
Or is there some sort of unfinished business that i've not dealt with?
Is there something i've been shoving away and not solving?
Perhaps it's just Emo Jo.
Oh Lord... In times like these, when i find no rest in myself or with myself, i can come to You in utmost helplessness, vulnerable all over.
You would take me in, in no matter what shape and state i am in.
When no one can give or offer, or are not in a position to soothe this intangible ache, i have my Lord God who understands me.
The end gives way to a new beginning. It's an endless cycle till the day we die.
Unless everyday is the same and the passing of years mean nothing to you.
I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.
I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.
Gone, *poof!*, are the days of legitimate abhorrence of your parents and EVERYTHING, EVERYONE else.
Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)
No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.
Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to small gatherings to a family affair, to... a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories, on that special day.
Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?
Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*
Looking through photos of your birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember.
You see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture.
Sad, i say.
Moral of the story?
- Don’t take pictures with your current partner on your 21st? Er. Quite impossible and stewpid right.
- Always take plenty of photos with OTHER people so that pictures of you and your partner are dispensable (in an event of a real break-up)? Eh... *rolls eyes*
- Uhm, how about just getting over the fella and rejoicing in the glory of being 21st. If there is any glory to be considered. Whatever suits your fancy. *shrugs*
No, i am NOT moping!
Just a thought that came in.
A little testimony.
One night, i tossed in bed and my leg did this little insignificant twist and suddenly, this sharp pain shot up from my left foot and even up my calve.
It felt like something had been displaced within the foot itself and had elongated effects that led up my calve in a thin straight piercing line... the pain felt embedded under the muscles.
And the pain wasn’t something that could go away with massaging.
I was so freaked and kept my foot as still as possible but realized it was getting tiring holding it tense.
Thoughts that ran through my mind were:
How am i going to walk tomorrow morning? (well, today technically)
So, half asleep as i was, i decided to sit up in bed, lay my hand on my leg and pray.
After praying and trusting God for His healing, i decided to stretch out my leg and foot straight out. Not sure what made me do that despite the pain.
Lo and Behold. The pain disappeared into nothingness.
*i think photos are needed here soon. I shall upload some!*
Sunday, December 05, 2004
This and this, that and that... Oh, how i feel SO THANKFUL TO everyone AND THANKFUL FOR everyone!
And THANKFUL TO GOD who put these awesome people into my little life.
Never in my 20 years have i felt this blessed by friends around this time of the year. No, it's not just about celebrating Christmas with me.
Well, that's if you don't count the time i had a party when i was in primary school. People were invited by the host. They didn't voluntarily do something for you.
That's what makes this altogether different.
Library Gang, i lub you gals.
I'm so thankful for what you guys did for me today.
But it's not just about today.
You gals have always been so precious to me... Even though i come across as an unappreciating squirt, you gals have been the pillars in my life and i appreciate each and every one of you. Very Much.
Like i've said before and i'll say it again.
I didn't exactly love the time i had in ACJC, but with you, life was bearable, life in ACJC had some meaning!
If i were ever given a shot at turning back the clock and changing things,
I. WOULDN'T. EVER.
Of course, not forgetting my other wonderful pillars! Not the library gang specifically but you know who you are.
You've also made life in ACJC worth it and the same pledge goes to you.
You make it impossible for me to think or wish to think, how life would be without you.
As for everyone else i've yet to mention but i can't because i'd just go on and on about seemingly ghostly beings because i'm not mentioning names,
I LOVE YOU TOO. And oh... how i thank God for your presence.
How do i feel? I'm not sure. You can never be an equal match. So how does it work?
Yet, there's a tingle, something interesting.
Or is it only because there's too much glucose on your tongue.
*Trying to find it in me to blog about the past few days' happenings but it's been a little droughty around here*
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Now i am left with: Should i have done that? I feel like i've not done enough, know?
Heh, do you hear the "No Pain, No Gain" saying speaking out?
Looked in the mirror and discovered what gymming did for me and i am pleasantly surprised.
Not that it is really obvious to the man (errm, so to speak), on the street. But obvious enough for me to actually realize that i've gotten new muscle lines (when you flex) that show the muscle groups!
Interesting. I think i should up my gym training. Once a week isn't as beneficial as twice, which is what the team is doing.
The festive season and holidays...
When cash registers are noisier than usual and when all my pants look like there's a hole in place of where a pocket is suppose to be.
I have to run off again to the other side of the country. Again.
*I have a new toy.*
Monday, November 29, 2004
Anyway, this is all i have to say for now.
Intellectually in-sync and engaging conversations about things that matter are real turn ons.
While pointless and non stimulating conversations are seriously depressing and trying.
Maybe i'm the pointless one.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Except that (on friday) i saw an elephant waddle into its pond, drop a few big yellow bombs into the already bacteria filled water and then proceeded to slump into the watery mass and wallowed around.
Yeah, complete with poop bobbing against the elephanty too.
Kinda like how in life, we create our own crap and then sit around in it.
Take it literally or figuratively. Whatever.
Oh, i was at the zoo on friday with a friend's mom's childcare centre children. I could go on forever about the time i had, but i think i'll just put down the most salient points to note.
Looking at the children, my heart just sang. It was like, obviously though, looking at little adults. Little humans. Bite sized little creatures with bright eyes and eager faces.
Little canvases open and clean to have things painted upon them.
God's gifts... Those little itty bitty children.
As a psychology student, i now begin to appreciate the dialogue i hear between children themselves. How they interact and communicate with words and gestures, what means what to them, how they construct meanings and ideas about the world around them.
They are such a joy to OBSERVE (not exactly look after, *groan*, unless you've got yourself an ANGEL).
Couldn't stop gushing over them as i watched them. I've NEVER felt this way about children.
Then again, maybe the lot i had around me were, yeah, mostly the sweeter, nicer ones.
About 4+years old.
Ha, and YES... i have my TWO favourites! This little japanese girl whom i've dubbed "My J-Pop Star" and another little Caucasian girl. Quiet little sweetie with lily fair skin, an oh-so-incredible-mega-watt-smile and crystal clear eyes!
Disclaimer: I am NOT A PAEDOPHILE.
The Esplanade Roof Terrace. Yesterday. For the first time.
It helped that there was a beautiful clear night sky, with the full moon shining brightly upon us homosapiens and stars that speckled the black velvet cosmos.
What better way to spend time at the Esplanade than with someone who enjoys silence too.
Oh hey, and i am going to be a trainee of sorts for my church's new band. (Band as in, Guitars [electric, acoustic], drums, synthesizer and keyboard)
Most pleased to serve my God with whatever... erm, i have. I'm not sure if they qualify as talents, but BLEAH.
If He wishes, He will provide!
*looks at the clock on the right corner*
GARN. Looks like a photoshooting stint is in order. Indoor range, here i come.
I need solitary time!
Ya know what?
Think i shall keep one week for myself.
I really NEED to stop running around the country for a bit and enjoy some joline time. Yes, being in the company of myself.
And i haven't accomplished any shopping yet. Garnn...
I need clothes.
My phone is dying. Slowly but surely.
I need a new scope.
Competition is coming up and what have i done?! Need more practice.
I'm glad it's been a busy holiday though i'll BET that the people behind the LTA are laughing as they count my money! MY MONEY!
For those of you whose emails i've not replied to, I'M VERY VERY VERY SORRY.
*You're all precious to me. Each and every one of you.*
Thursday, November 25, 2004
We played a prank on our birthday boy. It was hilarious! And it was so funny seeing him "attack" his girlfriend when he found out that she was in the prank as well.
*HAW HAW HAW HAW HAH WAH AW*
While everyone was feasting on the first round of bbq stuff, i realized that no one was cooking so i decided to do so. As a result, i got to eat just one of the chicken wings i *sort of* marinated (had a little help) last minute before i left for the bbq.
Well, i am most happy to serve others. So, it is not a problem anyway.
Besides, seeing food cook is actually quite a pleasure.
Hm, reminds me of food chemistry. Chemistry option paper.
The stupid thing that i studied only JUST before the paper began on the day itself.
The bbq fire was so freakin' hot that the metal button (above the zip) on my bermudas got heated up and was searing my skin!
Had a good work-out day yesterday (wed). Had about 30min of badminton in the afternoon, about 1hour+ of gym followed by more badminton in the evening. Heh.
A new part of me is aching now... hohoho. *GRIN*
My left triceps have healed well but my hamstrings are still experiencing a slight problem from the last gym session. I discovered that the muscles shortened! Trying my best to do some stretching exercises whenever i can.
Had a little dinner by the sea. AS IN, ON THE BEACH, WITH THE SEA A FEW METRES AWAY FROM ME. It was THAT THAT THAT BEAUTIFUL! I was SO IMPRESSED with the idea!
Pasta Fresca by East Coast.
Hey gals! What say you about a trip like that for dinner? It'll be awesome.
Went for a walk at Labrador Park. I know, I know. Kinda like a lover's place, it is.
Memories flooded my head when we (schoolmate and i) went over.
Memories of that sunset at that little balcony of sorts.
Memories of you.
And of course, memories of ACJC BAND!
We just walked the length of the Park, ventured onto the jetty. A still night it was.
If only i could be there for hours on end and with someone special. To sink into his embrace as we stare out to sea and watch the lights sparkle in the distance on the dark sea.
The expanse of sky was just... OH GLORY!
I conked out the second my head touched the pillow. Horizontal meditation went well and woke up aching! AH, the pain. Nice, nice.
Well, today calls for more up and running business. Golly Wolly, i am tired!
But, i can do it!
*Very seh* (add the nasal quality when you say that)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Using the Club's wooden riser recurve bow, with ancient Samick limbs. Hoohoo.
Maybe a photo of me and my compound bow would be coming up.
I am the fourth person from the left.
Only GIRL there ok, GIRL POWER.
Grabs her arrow...
And she draws the bow! Beware! I can de-man you! The nicest bow among us (at the shooting line) belongs to the second last guy. His own equipment.
And the release... Ah, and a perfect follow through! (Erm......) Anyway, guy with the nicer bow is not here.
Going to the indoor range now for some business and training.
See you later, i hope.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Thanks for that bit of info there mate.
Let's up it a little.
What if the individuals had been apart for much more than just months?
Enough time for each of them to attempt to find love with other people.
Hm, say, 4 or 5 years, maybe more?
Thoughts flow and emotions follow in hot pursuit.
For being too investive.
For being too nostalgic.
For feeling so much.
For having such a... theatrical, full coloured, surround sound, movie-like enabled memory.
Why did it have to happen?
I look up into the serene blue sky of understanding. But all i can do is look?
I'm dangling on the rope, close to the opening, but hanging, in mid air over a long, deep, dank, dark hole.
I've come a long way.
I got pushed back in. But.
Conversely, i can struggle out again. Pull and grapple for freedom once again.
I should be able to do it.
But even then, what closure do i get for pulling myself out? For doing it myself?
Blue sky not so clear after all.
As you are human (you do possess feelings) as am i human as well (human flesh prone to weakness) i hope that there is some reason.
Be it a simple/rash/harmless/minutely tiny/polite reason...
A reason, would be nice.
I cannot ask you why. Who am i to you, to ask you why?
I cannot expect anything. Who am i to you, to expect anything?
I can only say how i feel here, knowing full well there's only a 0.0000000000001 chance that you'll see this.
Well, never mind.
In fact, i shouldn't be feeling teased.
I am fine, in control. Have always been for a while now.
There's no reason why i should not be the same, even now.
But... it's you i'm talking about.
I bet you don't feel the pain anymore. I doubt you do. It's been pretty clear.
Course, not that it's a bad thing. :-)
Being the fella i am, i feel too much for my own good over certain things.
Some things change and some things don't seem to end.
Been a month after the exams and it hasn't stopped, though maybe, just maybe, signs of slowing is in order. WOOT!
Let's see. BBQ, archery clubhouse business and competition self-training, Gym, Badminton, meeting friend, church and archery.
That's my whole week, one day at a time, in summary.
I would've said "I don't know if i should laugh or cry".
But i guess, laughing is a better option.
May i add, hysterically.
I am chugging on, chugging on. Every day has an agenda.
In more ways than one. (?)
*off to the bbq. I HOPE, the chicken tastes like something decent*
Saturday, November 20, 2004
For reasons of privacy, who they are and information shall not be disclosed.
We had a great time despite the short meet up. (Quality, Quality!) Well, I wish it had lasted longer. But never mind, it was oh so good seeing them. It hardly feels as if 2 years have passed since we got out from ACJC.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I'm the sort that enjoys long and drawn out time spent with girl friends. I prefer spending a whole day with them without the need for any of us rushing off at a certain time to attend to something else.
The feeling of not wanting the precious day to end.
Suddenly feeling so happy yet sad. Happy for that wonderful indulgence in friendship but sadness that it ended so soon. As if, my life support system just got cut off.
I've been hearing about this thing from a few friends lately, and i must say...
Hm, must be the season or something.
So, the question i shall ask is, "Can love between exes rekindle itself?"
(ok people! Stop moaning!)
Duh, ok, i suppose one of the most obvious answers that i think would be shot back at me would be, "Depends on the circumstances."
Circumstances encompasses about a gazillion things, and i shall so not bother about listing them down.
There's this pastor from my church who told us that when he was in secondary school, he saw THE girl and KNEW she was going to be HIS WOMAN. They dated but thing is, things didn't go right then.
They went their separate ways and had their other relationships.
But surprise surprise. God brought them back together and today, they are happily MARRIED.
So, he wasn't wrong after all eh?
Anyway, i've been slapping myself both mentally and physically recently. (yes, slapping physically is done in private at least. You don't believe? Then, you don't know me.)
Sometimes, i need to get a grip when my head runs off with my emotions. Cut those stupid thoughts on their tracks and tell self to WAKE UP.
I don't advocate doing it but it helps me refocus, nod mechanically and go back to who i am and where i am.
I feel so... :-(
Can anyone ever live up to it? Everyone is different and i cannot impose such standards on anyone, now can i?
It's 3am, i neeeeeeed to ramble but i am living at this point in constant fear of mommy/daddy thrusting my room door open and hissing at me to go to bed.
Following which, i would get a scolding the next morning.
I think my adrenalin is going to an all time high. Fear, fear!
Ok, shall go. Invisible hands are tearing me away from my perch in front of the laptop.
*Dettol makes me smell like... Gleneagles*
Friday, November 19, 2004
While pumping iron...
Archer guy: Is this your first gym day?
Archer guy: When i had mine, i ached for 2 weeks!
I didn't believe him.
I'm aching pretty much all over now. It's only been one day but anyway... i don't forsee myself aching that long.
2 weeks?! No way.
Well, if you've spoken to me about work-out derived pain, you would know that i LIKE the pain.
The pain makes me feel good.
Crud. I'm returning to my old bad habit of sleeping late. Gotta scram. Perhaps more when i return.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Seeing the clear true-ish blue (without that milky film. but will i ever know what TRUE BLUE really is?) and the white unthreatening clouds, always makes me feel happy and thankful.
The unsuspicious winds that blow also make me feel like... grinning into the sky.
Oops, that reminds of me QT which i haven't done yet for today.
The only cruddy thing is, i'm not feeling all too physically wonderful today though i know i'll get through it with my sometimes-can-activate bullstrength.
I watched The Incredibles yesterday and i must say it had me enthralled throughout, to the point that i failed to finish my measly 100g worth of Famous Amos cookies. Mind you, that alone says quite something.
I felt that the show was a little adultish, you need to listen up a little. The dialogue and character mannerisms aren't as hilarious as in Shrek and Shrek 2. However, it's altogether a show worth spending money on.
If you're torn between Sharktale and The Incredibles, CHOOSE THE LATTER!
Sharktale is... weak.
I might even say that my dad, the action show lover might enjoy The Incredibles.
The Phone. (no, not the cellular. ok, that was lame***.)
Because i cannot have (*sob*) the recently released new Nokia models, i've begun lusting after the Sony Ericsson T630, k500i and k700i.
But since it's only the k700i that has the fm radio, it is the clear winner of the three.
Problem is, it's the most pocket blowing (comparable to the untouchable Nokias) of the lot. So there.
Yeah, although there're a couple of Nokias that aren't THAT shabby and are less bank account devastating, i know that their value will depreciate a lot faster and that's just... No Thanks mate.
There are things in this world you desire in this lifetime, but cannot have.
First gym training with team members.
Yes, so it's meeting coach at 4:30pm later. I feel... uneasy about the whole thing. I think i'll be training with the younger archers. Oh no, i can feel myself going into clam shell mode!
The mode when Jo merely becomes a quiet, shy-smile, talk little, klutzy girl who is the loner.
Dang it JO! LEARN THR ROPES OF SOCIALIZING!
IT WASN'T A PROBLEM BEFORE! YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH COUNTLESS LEADERSHIP CAMPS SO HOW DIFFICULT CAN THIS GET?!
ME OF ALL PEOPLE! BEING QUIET! THE TURN OF THE CENTURY! GO AND FLUSH YOUR HEAD, MISSY!
Ahem, excuse me.
*flattens out the creases on clothes and clears throat*
Looks like Jo has to revert back to PR pushing mode. The person i was, back before uni began.
Crazy, ditzy, loud, happy, cheery, laughy, excitable, sharp, smiley, dishes out grins like everyone loves it...
Not that it's a fake me. In fact, i feel better being loud than quiet.
I have to do this, before it's too late.
If the world were rid of all its imperfections, would the world really be perfect?
*drags hurting self to get ready for the step towards something potentially life changing*
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Have things changed? Not quite.
Anyway, been having a little dry spell lately so i've gone off the blogging a bit. I'll probably be back soon with more nonsense to spout.
As usual right.
Well, this week is packed. Wonderful! Yet, gah... But it's all good anyway.
I'm going to be training at the gym with the team tomorrow. Of course, unofficially. How things develop in future depends a lot on external factors and what i can do to prove my worth.
I need to get lots of things done.
Confession: I wuv you all...! :-)
Friday, November 12, 2004
It's doing its own shutting down, restarting, hanging and dying... And the power button no longer works.
Basically just screwing up on me. Pulling stunts that really aren't very amusing. :-(((
Well, well. I guess the first reaction to this would be, "Hey, great excuse to get thee a new phone!"
Been looking around for a bit and spotted a couple of phones i like, but the prices put me off in a blink.
I do like my N6510. I like the way it looks, its soft blue backlight, the font size. Although there was a period of time when i felt the itch for a new phone, i've never really actually felt like ditching my N6510.
HAH. But i refuse to repair it. Because, ahem, you know, need to move with the times ya know? *cough, cough*
Man, i've been going out often in the past weeks. As pretty much of a recluse, i've never gone through this kind of "intensive socializing", believe it or not. Usually, my holidays in the past would be long and quiet affairs, with occasional outings, no big brouhaha.
I'm getting calls to go out to meet, catch up, do stuff.
Yes, i'm that new to the social world, big time.
I never knew that people actually want to be in my presence. You know as a kid till now, i've always thought that people didn't really like me around. I guess me being a sensitive kid coupled with having gone through bad experiences in the past... and perhaps not having the resilience then, kind of made me into this self-conscious and recluse-like person with a i'm-not-worthy mentality.
People. Never ever let your kids turn out to be like me, all right? You do not want them to be hindered in their social lives.
Library Gang of ACJC 2SC10... I LOVE YOU GALS.
I'm going to protect myself from you.
You seem to play this game, flitting around.
You seem mighty unstable to me though you speak otherwise.
There's nothing to oblige to, but things aren't pretty anyway.
I can never tell what your true intentions are and your words are never clear.
And i don't think you have quite the grip on things either.
Jo, you cannot afford this.
I don't know what's going on over yonder. I don't know why it happened, and why things are the way it is now.
I do hope to hear from you soon.
Hope i didn't say anything to make you feel uncomfortable. I do apologize if i did.
I realize i may have, in me, embedded hatred and insecurity. Hatred and insecurity that flares up when a certain situation comes about. When it rears its ugly head, my insides get heated up and my mind goes into hyperactivity.
In truth, I was a jealous kid in the past, always in need of love and attention. I hated the idea of having another younger sibling and i used to scream bloody murder and cry like a banshee when there was any talk about another sibling.
I would kick up a huge fuss when my parents paid attention to someone else's baby.
It was almost... i hate to say it, and i think i won't. Not appropriate.
I grew to hate children though times have changed me, mellowed me out somewhat. ALTHOUGH... i sometimes get evil ideas. *revolver! revolver!*
Being deprived as the kid, perhapos now as an adult, i guess this "deprivation" (though i am inclined to hope i am not!) has translated into an expectation that i project onto another person i may love/have feelings for.
(child to parent, now, adult to adult)
So, when i don't have that need fulfilled, i can become a serious big time BITCH.
Like the way i was a serious big time jealousy prone kid.
Some honest reflection. Some psychology.
Does anyone have any nice and good Nokia phones to recommend?
I know i promised never to have anything to do with Ericsson ever again, but the Sony Ericsson cellulars aren't too shabby at the moment.
What is paramount to me, is that sms typing should be easy and quick.
AND... the obvious being, idiot proof. Or, technoidiot friendly.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Gee, i'd be setting off for the Esplanade by now if not for the hefty transportation... costs. LTA has made tons of money from me in the past few weeks. I hate it. Money just gets sucked out from my ez-link card like nobody's except for LTA's business!
Seeing the value going down at a steady rate makes me sad.
Yeah, i know it's worse if you live in Japan and the other countries where cab fares can come up to someone's wage for a day.
Just let me whine, will ya.
I had lovingly stroked thoughts of stepping into a teleportation portal/tube and "ZWAANGG!", i'd arrive at my destination in a split second. How nice that would be.
Kind of like, the portal de-atomizes you, or, zaps you into electrons or whatever tiny matter and then transports you via some fibre or cable.
Thing is, who gets to be the first to try the thing. The poor rats.
There was this book that fictitiously suggested that perhaps one day, babies will be the next subjects of experiments.
I might've remembered the exact bottomline wrongly, but i know it was by Neil Gaiman.
But hey, i could leech a ride to the Esplanade later! But, i'll be on my own. Wouldn't that be bittersweet, or contradictory, for me.
The bliss of being all alone, but with my thoughts.
All alone to enjoy the sounds and smells of the sea, the sounds of the night, to feel the wind against my cheeks, to gaze at the sky that stretches before and above me.
No one to tell me they're bored, no one to keep entertained.
No one to suggest anything i don't want to do.
It's not called loneliness.
Yet, at moments like those, you'd like someone who enjoys the same space, the same quietness, the same love of nature.
We needn't speak and the silence is perfect, for both of us recognize the beauty and enjoyment derived and hence the value of the experience.
And because we know how each other feels, we have no wish to intrude into each other's space. Or personal experience.
Even then, disturbances would be perfectly timed and the joy of being able to complement each other is... indescribably sweet.
The common understanding between us would be priceless.
Ok, snap out of it. I'm going for a jog. Excuse me.
*Archery Competition, 10-11 Dec 2004*
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
I need to wake up and quit living in a fantasy.
Stop being dependent!
I don't need you in order to function properly!
I can do well enough on my own, thank you very much.
No, no, don't get me wrong, life would be cool with you but a girl's got to know when to pull the brakes... sometimes.
We (names withheld for privacy purposes) talked about manners... of guys, that is.
- He eats like he usually would... Only that he eats so... openly, that you can see every molecule of food in his mouth.
- He is NOT gentlemanly.
- He eats more noisily than a bulldozer.
- He picks his zits in front of you... and checks the results of his gold mining.
- He has a very disgusting way of cleaning his... face. Or a part of it.
- He snorts in a very crude way to clear his nose. He might as well be running around with the pigs.
- He doesn't stand to greet someone especially if the person comes by to shake his hand.
- (list not exhaustive)
Well, perhaps some of you, having a boyfriend who has some of these disgusting traits, or maybe ALL or MOST of these traits (oh, bless your saintly heart, darling) does not bother you very much.
Perhaps, you might even see these as shallow and undeserving of attention because he fulfills your every other need perfectly. (Well and good for you, darling)
But for the rest of us who are bothered by his non-existent manners, please stand up!
Why, thank you! Yes, i too, joline, cannot tolerate living with a caveman!
Imagine him having a meal with the rest of your family at the dinner table at home, or eating out with your family.
And the whole bunch of us will be treated to a display of his animalistic manners!
Wow! Call in David Attenborough, Call in Jane Goodall!
I wouldn't know what i'd do apart from the "digging a hole and hiding in the ground", "kicking him under the table", "pretend to drag him to the toilet to... educate him" measures.
Update maybe later.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Guess I won't be including the details anymore because once is enough and that was mercilessly lost.
So, i'm sorry if you guys were hoping for something MORE, about my stupid crap day i had yesterday at the range.
Am i junk or is my bow the junk:
My stupid compound bow messed up big time on me twice. I think it just can't seem to take the shocks/impact very well.
As a result, my arrow rest destroyed some inner metal threads (that has been thankfully fixed due to coach's dexterity).
The entire arrow rest popped right off my bow. My heart also nearly popped and dropped.
AND secondly, my scope did a half spin after one particular shot (as in, it came loose so had to tighten again).
Tell me. Is it my bow or me?
I should've gotten either Hoyt or Mathews. Problem is, they are too bleddy expensive.
While shooting with the team:
I lost 1 arrow, murdered another because i lost the metal tip and i killed the fletches of 4 more.
They say it is all part and parcel of archery. Oh really. I take it on half trust for now.
Then, coach cranked up the poundage, from 29 to 33-35pounds. Do the math. Usually, you only crank up 3 pounds at one shot, maximum.
I was like... *Oooff* when i had to draw the bow.
Well, a necessary step, because i had to reach the target at 70m. No choice.
As you will guess, i was dog tired at the end of the shoot.
Had this one suspicious arrow that kept going into blue despite me aiming at the centre.
And i think coach kept seeing that happening. Not very good for a first time 70m impression eh.
But zen... I managed to get a 10 pointer ok! (I hope it's not taiko one)With my x6 scope! What was the national archer next to me using?
A SURE-LOC x10 SCOPE OK! Which is worth more than a hundred, or a few hundred dollars.
Me? Using a humble Spigarelli x6 scope costing $68.
YEAH RIGHT. I am only a small cashew nut lah, i have LOTS to improve on...
Jo the perfect Klutz:
BAH. Clumsy, i am.
In the earlier part of the day, i kept tripping on the strings on the floor that demarcates the equipment line. My bow also got caught on the tent's foundation strings such that when i walked, oblivious to the drag, i pulled on the tent's cover.
All this, in full view of strangers who were amused.
Friggin' embarrassing ok.
But, i am the master of making things look forgivable. *fuahhahaha*
Just when i thought that klutz jo was done with entertaining her audience. She outdid herself again. Just you hear.
At crowded City Hall Interchange, i was an idiot and stepped onto the escalator that was coming DOWN from the higher story. I thought it was going UP to the higher story.
Ok, so as i've said, without much exagerration, i had to do a "tapdance" on the escalator to save my sorry butt. I had to turn around and get off, else i'd be dancing for all eternity.
Because my bow was long, it banged on the sides of the escalator creating such a bleddy din that people turned round to stare. ****!
All in all, an interesting day in a not so nice way.
I hope to infinity that no one on that MRT platform will ever see my face again!
Anyway, it's pretty early (about 3pm) to be shacked but i am.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I'm back from a long day at the range... Wait till i divulge about the day's happenings.
Two words: %^&*I^G %$^T! (yes, that does spell something but too profane for sanctified eyes)
What is this? Verbal Diarrhoea. Blog Diarrhoea.
Decided not to turn on the lights, so that i could see what the sky held in store.
I leaned out the window to discover the wealth of stars i could see! It was SUCH a beautiful sight to behold.
I know those days are gone but hey, cues always happen right?
I remember "Orion". The star constellation that had always been my favourite.
Orion itself fascinated me and i think it amused you to know that this silly girl never failed to be transfixed by it.
"Come over here! You can see it better here." (looks up and points)
But i think my voice got lost in the wind.
You smiled and said something or other and went on your way.
I wish our cell mates could book a chalet soon. Then hopefully, a bunch of friends and i can go gaze at the sky, sit at the breakwater at night (WITH PEPPER SPRAY) and listen to the waves and creatures of the night.
Jed just vomited on my bed.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
WASTED BIG TIME OK!
Could've gone arching at the outdoor range. I JUST PRAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW THE WEATHER TO PROLONG INTO SUNDAY.
I'm sure all the other people into outdoor sports would be very appreciative too...
Please... God? Pretty Please?
Shooting with the team tomorrow... THEE TEAM. I cannot wait.
Something is definitely wrong with me today.
I felt so indifferent to everything. I had cell, then service. Things were all right. But when it came to dinner with the friends, i felt so OFF.
There's nothing to be moody about. I just was.
I didn't have a single bite of food. Just ice lemon tea sufficed.
Sipped my lil ole drink, i did. Staring into space, listening to the conversation.
Chipping in at times saying some totally obscure (irrelevent too?) stuff. Ha.
You know, i think i know why i am so dull now. Ok, listen:
1. Jo is/was a sarcastic person.
2. And it kept my mind sharp because it takes WIT TO BE SARCASTIC OK! And WIT takes some BRAIN POWER!
3. Problem is, my sarcasm can be scathing and hurtful.
4. Therefore, i have decided to cut down.
5. Hence, i do not work my brain anymore.
6. Therefore, Jo has dulled.
The "price" of being less sarcastic, is... something good. That is, more friends.
No people, do not freak. I love having everyone around. Friendship is one of those priceless things in life.
Meant to be treasured and held closely to the heart.
And when some friendship screws up, i get affected. You should know by now.
It's just weird... not being 100% me. Ok, i'm not going to go down that train of thought. Again.
There are only certain people i feel safe enough to unleash my sarcasm to but even then, i still hold my tongue at times and... What i say doesn't come quite as quick anymore.
As for the moody disposition... It's the hormones talking this evening. I think it's pretty fair to believe that.
Nevertheless, i did feed off the jokes tonight and laughed like a loony. I liked that the most.
Laughing heartily is a lost luxury.
Man... so-and-so is pretty friggin' FUNNY! Cannot say lar.
Anyway, a parting note for now... (gotta go do some stuff, might be back)
You know you've gotten fat when the matter under your face/chin vibrates along with the bus you're on.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Did you get into a brawl?
Is that fungus on your lip?
Did you contract some disease?
Did you bite your lip?
Did someone bite your lip?
Nay, my darling honey bunny dog Jed jumped, hit my chin, and so my front tooth cut my lip.
Dangerous Happy Dog.
The desires of my heart calls.
I think i've spoken about this before. But ramble i will... Wot's new huh.
It's been a while since i've given a part of myself away. As much as it gets a little lonesome at times, i know jumping into a relationship is a perfect no-no. I have long ago decided that i will surrender my personal life to God. I let Him do the controlling. I'm not going to push for what i want till i know, in my soul, that things are different.
True chemistry between me and a potential special someone else is a pretty difficult thing to conceive.
God fearing, same wavelength, same humour, same crappiness, same goals, same intellectual communication level, ability to make me feel like there's no one else in his eyes, ability to hit the right chords with the right words that i long to hear but have no knowledge of myself... Someone who gives me the space i need because i'm an individualistic girl, but he is able to also give me the feeling that he's always there for me and loves me.
Were you just going to tell me to go marry the television?
No, you can't do very much with a telly, i'm afraid. *smirk*
Anyway, did "those requirements" sound pretty normal enough?
Well, try adding in the fact that i am little Miss Eccentric.
True chemistry between me and a potential special someone else is a very difficult thing to conceive.
So when I sense a discord, i know it's never.
Some don't understand me, some choose to run away, some tolerate, some love me (only my girl friends hor... Sad)
Some complement me.
As for now till the day when i feel the waves move in sync...
My days will be filled with my friends (that includes whoever is reading this and consider yourself my friend) and family that God has so richly blessed me with.
You guys have been the pillars that held me together in all seasons.
How can i thank you more.
With these few measly words, i lay my gratitude before you.
Because of the way life has been prodded at lately by an aspect, i have been thinking.
It is not easy dealing with it (though it is definitely manageable) but... i guess God has His ways, in His time.
I trust Him with my life.
If i have to remain the spinster who feeds starving children, then so be it.
So long as God is with me.
He will never chuck me in something such that His grace is insufficient to help me through.
I. Had. A. Wonderful. Day. Today.
Cheers to sisterhood and honest friendship! I lub (nope, no spelling error there) you Germ! yeehehehee.
Well, ok, so Miss Suaku cum Eccentric made her debut to the Library @ the Esplanade today.
I. LOVE. IT.
But instead of just the library alone, i think i might make the Esplanade my hangout.
Nothing can quite adequately describe how the sky gazer felt when she looked up to the heavens.
The size and span of it made me feel like spreading my arms wide and tilting my head back and not giving a jack dime about what anyone seeing me thinks.
(perhaps i embarrass friends that way eh.)
If only the seats weren't WET and if Germ and i got there earlier. Oh well. There's always a next time. I hope.
The sea, the sky, the closeness with nature makes my soul soar, my heart sing, and the beauty of it all overtakes my being. (Must be better than... *sheepish* oh, nothing)
By hook or by crook. I'm going to head down to the beach some day and spend my time basking in nature.
Tomorrow's saturday, the most packed day of the week. Hopefully, it'll pass so quick that sunday will feel like it arrived in a blink of an eye.
ARCHERY!!! THE TEAM!!! 70metres HERE I COME!!!
Watch out, Singapore. ;-P
*My best is all i have to give. Will my dreams come to pass?*
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Life has been interesting of late.
Though maybe not always for reasons i favour though, but still. Life is not a straight droning line like the way it was a few weeks back.
With the exams out of the way, i suddenly discover "that there IS a social life". (haha, courtesy of classmate!)
It's been great in the area of the Christian walk. I am not saying that i've experienced wonders and great closeness with God.
What i do know is, is that my life is inching, very slowly, but inching still, towards God.
And i am finding myself drawing millimetre by millimetre closer to Him, increasing my faith, getting to know more Christian brothers and sisters and talking to them about life and God.
I am always grateful that God has placed each and every one of them in my life. They are all here for a purpose and i hope that things will get better and better as life proceeds on.
Loads of birthdays coming up this month and in december. Including yours truly.
I am not saying that to hint anything LAH.
Thinking back on how birthdays have been in the past...
I don't really like noisy surprises and embarrassing, centre-of-attention kind of birthday celebrations.
I just like being with the ones i love. I don't need to be surprised.
And... an ang pow would be nice. *grin*
Been spending a lot on archery these days and also when i go out to meet friends to catch up. Unfortunately, i am not thinking of working because for one, the time available is rather short for work and i think, i think, i have other things i'd much rather devote my time to.
My inner being feels somewhat hanging in limbo, and i feel like its chattering away and going through all sorts of emotions. Another side of me is calm, still and drifting.
How would one explain this in psychological terms? *hm.*
Coach: So Joline, when are you going to join us?
(you have NO IDEA how long i've been waiting to hear you say that!)
Joline: (feels a surge of hope about the training team matters but decides to play safe... 8-<) ... You mean shoot 70m?
Coach: I think i'll pull you in next week.
Joline: I only just started shooting 50m.
Coach: You only started shooting 50m...
Joline: Yeah. (looks at him wondering what he's going to say)
Coach: 70m next week ah? (walks off)
Joline: (summons up existing pluck and speaks in all the confidence i could muster) OK.
Glory Jo, what did you just get yourself into?
My scope is only a x6 one! How am i going to have enough of yellow to let my red aiming dot drift within?
I NEED A NEW SCOPE! Pronto.
Shooting with the national team. That's all well, good, wonderful and FINALLY.
What good is that if i do not undergo the proper training?
Annneeewaayy, i am not going to be ungrateful. I will just take things as they come.
Hopefully, that opportunity i was given so long ago will come to pass.
It's Christmas? Already?
I just heard an advert proclaiming some Christmas offer on the radio. I don't know about you, but it actually feels odd that Christmas is approaching. Somehow, i get this notion that it's here... too early? It's kind of, out of place?
The time that has lapsed feels like we should only be in June now and not November.
Well, as much as i don't like the way Christmas has become in this little country of ours, i have to admit that i like the approaching anticipation of the day itself.
On the OTHER hand, i don't like it because once the day itself passes on, i feel as if:
I am left in a dark room with a deflated ballon in my left hand and a popped party gun in the right hand coupled with a party hat on my head on the verge of slipping off. And there's the feeling of indignance.
What happens is that the Christmas atmosphere is built up and then once it's over, it feels like everything gets abruptly chopped short.
Everything just returns to the normal drone and bustle again.
To me, that's depressing.
Not to say that i wish to perceive Christmas the way the general society does, but you get my drift right.
It's just the way it affects you.
I just thought this post was getting too long, so i've decided to break it up.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Joline is going to scream, so back off.
Sometimes, i don't know why i EVEN FRIGGIN' BOTHER!
Each time, i think i get smarter, but really, i am a sucker. A REAL SUCKER!
WAKE UP!!! HELLO?! W-A-K-E U-P!!!!!
I shall forever remain celibate, even in the mildest sense.
I can't even trust myself, stupid girl.
There are some people... i should just STAY THE *beep* AWAY from.
But why oh why do such people stir the air?
I think they should just all go and disappear.
GO AWAY ALL YOU!
I realize i have lost whatever edge i had. The sharp mouthed, quick to shoot back bitch has softened.
But of course, you, my friends, can correct me i'm wrong.
I'm not referring to stuff like the above. That's... something else altogether.
But seriously, it's like this:
Whenever i meet someone i know is of my frequency, i find myself just so UNABLE to match that level, like i would have been able to, IN THE PAST.
I find myself unable to keep up and reply in the same manner although i KNOW that i could before.
It's really frustrating!
So, am i comfortable with this newer me or am i dying to break out of it?
Is my brain slowing? Am i becoming a dim-wit?
Maybe i'm just afraid of being too liberal with my words since my mindset now seems to be, "Make more friends".
So, would my new friends ever get to see the real me?
Hm, i would probably diss them off before they can stay around for long.
Ok, i seriously need to get work done! Have got lots of tasks to accomplish and i can't even remember the whole lot.
*Moratorium..., a slow developer, you.*
Sunday, October 31, 2004
We had cell group so we used that time to pray for each other since most of cell mates are going to take on the exams next week.
It was great time of just uplifting each other in prayer.
Rather strangely, we had this forein preacher who came to give us the message and it was entitled "Don't Worry".
It was so cool because it was SO APPROPRIATE for everyone struggling with exams.
What was more interesting was that he had never preached on this topic before in all his years of experience.
He just felt that God had placed it upon his heart to bring us that designated message.
Isn't God GREAT?!
We headed down to the usual hawker centre for dinner.
It was TOTALLY HILARIOUS. Having the right mix of people around made dinner a real hoot.
I've never laughed so hard and genuinely in a long time!
Oh, and i've discovered...
MAKE-UP MAKES ONE A LIE!
A PHYSICAL LIE!!!
I am a black eyeshadow and black mascara person.
WAIT, don't think drag queen or something lah.
I don't put much at all.
But being complimented for something one does not really have is... just... not right.
What good is it if you are complimented for outward looks when you feel truly ugly inside?
GOOD SHOOTING/ARCHING TODAY!!!
Think i'll just call it "arching" from now on.
The national team has returned and so has the national coach.
The good news is, he intends to make me shoot 70m along with the team next week.
(at long last, some form of breakthrough, small or not, it doesn't matter.)
I just started on 50m today after my month long break.
BUT WHO CARES?!?!
70m HERE I COMETH!
I am happy with my form and groupings today.
Good arching today.
GOOD GIRL, well done, me.
It ain't perfect but i think i got qualitatively better.
My weight training has done me good.
And i think my break has done me good too.
I no longer just keep shooting end after end despite knowing that i am no longer going to be productive.
Hopefully, i've passed that "over-excited" mentality and am a more mentally matured/focused archer.
Discovered a funny thing.
One ex-national team member thought i was already in the team.
(HOW he got that notion, i do not know.)
And apparently, this news was passed on to someone else.
Good thing i cleared that up pretty quick.
It's not just this instance because there was another once as well.
I never realized that people actually talk about me.
You find out only when it gets to you.
It feels odd because i don't consider myself a prominent figure at the range.
When you realize that word actually gets around... you realize the seriousness of the fact that what you say can also go around just as quick.
It's quite scary/unsettling at times.
Hopefully, most of it is harmless information.
Gotta go. Birthday dinner wth family!
I am beat. Nice and tired out.
Perfect for a good K.O.
Good night ya'll.
*Always Trust in the Lord.*
Saturday, October 30, 2004
I feel a heaviness in my heart since i awoke and as i go about the day.
Thank God i have cell and service later... To immerse in nothing else but the Lord. To just worship Him because He's the head of all things, He's Everything.
The one i know i can turn to regardless of what life as in store.
I hate the feeling that's hanging over me.
I shake my head in a bid to get it out... physical manifestation but of course it doesn't work.
Must deal with this like another of life's experiences.
Such things serve to build me up, whether in maturity or emotional strength or whatever else.
It may look like something trivial on the surface, but in truth, it runs deeper.
YES, you wouldn't understand.
Okay, off to church i go.
Lord, please sustain me.
Might come back to ramble more.
Ya know, you know how some troubled people keep their problems to themselves while everyone says it's always best to spill?
Well, how about this. I want to spill but i only have my blog for company. I don't want to trouble my girl friends who are coming face to face with their exams and can jolly well do without my whining, nor do i want to subject another friend to my endless whinings about my own problems.
I feel like a first class brat.
So there. My dear blog. It's just you and me, honey.
It feels so weird not blabbering things to a human being. So used to being blessed that way.
So yeah... I've already made my move... And i don't know what else i need to do to make amends.
Is what i've done inadequate?
Must i do more? Am i expected to do more?
If so, i'm sorry, but i don't know. Honestly.
Am i blowing it out of proportion? I think i do that sometimes.
I think the ball is no longer in my court.
I really think i should give myself a real huge smack, right across my face with a sperm whale.
Me and my stupid honesty.
Me and my STUPID HONESTY.
Me and my STUPID BRUTAL HONESTY.
I don't expect anyone to be reading this through because right now, this is just me talking to self, more or less.
If i feel "violated" (strong word, but that's what i mean), which i do, i wonder why i feel like i have to make the peace.
I think... "normal" was not the word of the day. DEFINITELY NOT.
Talk about multiple sides to a person. I really don't know what to think now.
I know/I guess you wouldn't be reading this.
Personally, it's all well and good if you do anyway.
Am i being overeactive and emotional? Good heavens, why am i pouring it all out here.
Whoever knew this side of me.
Maybe life has been too good.
I need to be awoken from my little puny world. HELLO?!
It's eating me. Eating me inside.
Stream of consciousness anyone.
My eyes are drooping, getting lazy, slow... Brushing teeth feels like it's going to take all my energy.
I'm swinging between fear, confusion, pain, disgust.
Why do i even bother? Why do i get so moody?
Because friends mean so much to me. A single friend means so much to me.
You don't know how hard it is, you don't know my history, you don't know a lot of things.
So don't you even dare.
I am wasted. Without the booze.
Ya know what.
I'm tired of this shit for today. Enough.
Like i said, i didn't expect anyone to read this. If you did... Goodness knows what you're thinking now.
*I consider my part to be done. It's in your hands.*
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IVAN!!! *confetti!*
Blessed Birthday, my friend. :-)
I've been assigned the marketing job with respect to the Archery Club of Singapore.
I'm freaking and procrastinating (yes, i ADMIT it) because i'm so scared of messing the entire thing up.
What does jo know about marketing and advertising?
ZILCH! ZERO! NULL! NOTHING!
*buries face in hands in despair*
This isn't some school project, this is REAL WORLD stuff.
REAL MONEY, REAL TEAM WORK, REAL TARGET AUDIENCE.
I don't like thinking over it and coming to a conclusion i'm not even sure about.
Why can't it just be as clear as summer sky?
Silence is beautiful.
Silence is peaceful.
Silence can be a conversation on its own.
I love the "right" silence.
But it's also nice to hear those sweet words.
Just for that small instant...
The day ends on a perfect note.
But sadly, people are strange and such is life.
I am proud and not proud of self.
Went gymming today, starting out on my archer's training programme.
Problem is, my knee kept crying out to me after the gymming session even though i only had a very short jog.
I then went on another of Jo's i-don't-know-where-i-am-going-to-go-but-i-am-going-to-find-that-place-anyway trips.
On a quest to find my Jurong Archery Centre! YES! THERE IS ONE NOW!
Spent a good hour or two trudging around the Jurong area, with the industrial, residential and what-have-you buildings.
After hunting back and forth, i went into a residential provision shop.
Before stepping in, i asked the Lord to give me someone who KNOWS where the place is and also to UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! (was praying against coming face to face with an ancient ah pek)
Lo and behold, a friendly teenage girl was behind the counter and she was exactly who i needed.
So, with her accurate directions, i finally made it there!
THANK GOD! :-)
I do like embarking on those i-don't-where-the-place-is-but-i'll-find-my-way-around trips.
Unfortunately, i treated myself to an ice-blended WHITE CHOCOLATE drink. (super sinful but i didn't quite like it though after a few gulps)
And when i got home, i stuffed my face with M&M white chocolate.
There goes my gym session.
*I hope and i wonder.*
Sunday, October 24, 2004
I was ACTUALLY BORED during archery practice today.
That is VERY UNUSUAL.
It's been more than a month i think of archery's absence in my schedule.
So, i should be hopping mad with enthusiasm, right?
Well, all in all, i can say that i am happy with my form. My groupings were there, good stuff.
Even for short range recurve. HAH.
I guess what made things dull was that the indoor range's distance was pretty sad. Less than 18m.
That's a piece of cake for compound archers.
All in all, i got more exercise from lugging my equipment there and back home than from shooting/arching.
Everybody, please laugh with me:
Walking along Orchard when this lady came right up to me and said:
"Would you like to be a model?"
Things sure happen for a reason:
I had a GEMs profiling exercise in church yesterday. It was about finding your spiritual gifts so that you are better able to serve in the church, Christian community and beyond...
And then the sermon we had that day itself was on "Shaped to Serve".
It really spoke to me because serving in a ministry with whatever i may possess has been an issue with me lately.
I feel like, it's time that i contribute and serve in church.
So, before the congregation was released, there was the FIRST altar call.
I felt SUPER COMPELLED to go forward for prayer. But i was struggling inside.
I felt something yelling in me to make a step forward but yet i looked around me and noted that not many people went up for prayer and that my cell mates didn't seem moved by it.
So, it kinda made me feel so uneasy inside to step up in front of hundreds of people.
Including my parents.
It wasn't just the uneasy feeling about stepping forth.
The struggling also came from wondering whether the urging was really from God, or emotions.
Or whether this message was really meant for me and that serving is really an issue in my life and that i am not kidding myself.
I wondered if this was truly the first step into understanding my calling in my Christian walk.
I began to pray...
Asked God: You know, if this is really meant for me, show me a sign Lord. Let something happen to tell me that this is really an urging from you.
True enough, the pastor up front made a SECOND call saying, "Church, if you feel as if you are struggling inside, all the more... Come forward and we will pray for you."
The rest, you can guess. :-)
I grumbled and mumbled, wondering what was going on.
And then, the next split second, you called.
There's this Barang Barang branch at Paya Lebar. I've never been there before and so when i spotted it from a distance, i decided to pop in to have a look. It looked really classy and cosy from outside.
I tell you... It was SUCH A THERAPEUTIC EXPERIENCE walking through the furniture store.
The slightly dim lighting made colours more subdued, warm, and woody. It's like walking through a more sophisticated jungle home.
This branch had more stuff to see. More furniture, it was a bit more exotic, had a richer variety of household items that totally took my breath away.
BUt the MUSIC! OH THE MUSIC THEY WERE PLAYING!
It WAS SO WONDROUS!
I felt like my soul had been uplifted and was floating along with the sensual, rich and exotic heavenly sound(s).
Naturally, being a super vainpot (but a rather not-pretty one) i stopped by the Aesthetics corner to check out if they had put up the pictures.
HAH! There were pictures of Betty only. HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm nothing in comparison to her. She's SO PRETTY, that i look like scum next to her. HONESTLY.
Apparently, the cosmetics counter where both Betty and I would have our pictures on was not present at this branch.
What i found most scary/amusing/weird was that, when i walked by the cashier counter, where the group of Barang Barang staff were gathered at, one of the girls whispered something to the rest and the whole group turned around to glance at me. *aagggh*
Stupid me got lost in the rather huge store so i ended up walking around and around and around the place and well... quite scary lor.
But what's even more EEK worthy, was that when i was on the mrt, this ah pek kept looking at me!
HAVE I SPROUTED A SECOND HEAD SUDDENLY OR WHAT?!?!?
I LOOK VERY FARNI ISSIT?!
I think it's my terrible haircut. Sigh, fishball head, i am.
Interesting family dinner:
My mom was such a dear and cooked us a western meal and since we're trying to clear our free stock of alcohol, we opened a bottle of red wine.
Just a small little bit i had, and my heart started racing at 100 beats per minute and my face was flushed and warm!
It was funny seeing faces getting red, especially dad's, when the red started spreading down his neck and beyond! *chuckle*
Tipsy family, a rare moment.
Ok, so what is being said/meant? Bleah, this and that was said, don't know what it all means exactly.
Then again, maybe i do, maybe i don't.
But whatever it is, to me, it's a straight line until proven otherwise explicitly.
Assumptions are total no-nos.
Hope the alcohol lets me sleep real good later.
*loopy grin to you, mate*
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Refletched my Arrows!:
Nothing much except that i have FINALLY refletched my 21 arrows.
20 of which i refletched BY MYSELF!
If i had left it to the guy to do it for me, i'd have to pay $2 for each arrow.
(refletch = to put on a new set of fletches to replace the old and torn ones. Fletches are "feathers" as the layman puts it.)
No way hosay am i going to do that. He was nice enough to teach me how to do it using their fletching jig.
(fletching jig = the piece of equipment for putting fletches on arrows)
I have learnt that anything in my clumsy hands becomes a dangerous weapon to anyone around me.
*cringes at my handful of totally unglam moments of klutziness*
I've switched from curly fletches to the straight rubber ones.
From yellow fletches to bright orange.
So that i can see the darn thing in the grass should it get lost if it shoots through the target board.
Wanted bright hot pink but it didn't suit the colour of my nock (nock = the thing that helps attach your arrow to the bow string) and they didn't have enough anyways.
Is this a challenge or is God trying to tell me something?
You wanna know what is SO uncanny?
1. my bow gets delayed coming to Singapore
2. It gets spoilt for a bit then fixed.
3. Team Manager chose the wrong time to "give" me my forms
4. New MC steps in and i no longer get my forms
5. The National Team move to another range, so there goes the Coach along with them
6. New MC totally stink like fresh excretion
7. We have an evil, sly, cunning, cheating, golden mouth AAS president.
8. We have an AAS secretary who SHOULD be updating the website but knows poop about computers.
9. Now, the silly fellas in Sports Council didn't bid (?) for a compound (as opposed to recurve?) event in the next upcoming SEA Games, so now my chances of getting into the team is pooped even further.
(the coach had intended to put me into the women's compound team for the SEA Games)
I tell you.
EVERY ONE of these things happened one after another in such an uncanny way.
Each time, it makes the situation WORSE AND WORSE. It's just UNBELIEVEABLE!
Is this some challenge for me to go against the odds, OR, is God trying to make me see that it's just not for me.
I am indignant because i was at first given the opportunity from the very beginning but then things began to snowball into such a huge big mess! ALL AGAINST ME.
The ONLY good thing that is going to happen now is,
THE NATIONAL TEAM IS COMING BACK TO THE RANGE TO TRAIN.
SO, HERE COMES THE COACH AGAIN.
Starting my Training Regime
I bought this book on physical training for archers.
So, yes, i am going to train by myself for the next month or so, in preparation for the upcoming Year End shoot.
I cannot make it for the SAFSA shoot because i think it's a half FITA and i cannot shoot at 60m and 70m yet.
In addition, i have to start from scratch since i'm coming back after about more than a month i think of not shooting.
Spending the hols
You know, when the long hols roll around, people around me expect me to do something "worthwhile".
Now, that's subjective.
*this portion has been omitted*
*DOWN WITH THE STEWPID NEW AAS MC! YOU ALL DESERVE GO TO DOWN TO WHERE YOU BELONG*
*oh and... Uhm..., cute! ;-)*
Thursday, October 21, 2004
It's like, with the end of the exams, all systems go B-L-A-N-K.
I had a torrent of things i had wanted to do before but i realize i can't really remember... Except for the real salient ones.
I'm not complaining lah. I'm glad the exams are over though everyone else's is gearing up to go into full swing soon.
I just don't like losing myself.
I have nothing interesting nor intelligent(if there ever was) to blog about.
Had a rotten rotten rotten lousy haircut yesterday.
Feel like breaking out into loud unkind mutterings.
On a less negative note.
Met up with a JC good friend yesterday (after bad haircut... ARGH!) to catch up, hang around...
The usual fare of a movie, dinner, walking around and chatting.
He's like, one in a very small few who can understand, if not understand, at least can tolerate my strange eccentricities, odd mutterings and outbursts of loony behaviour.
Bless his soul.
Ok, i admit that i made my first ever debut to NYDC.
Yes, i've NEVER BEEN to NYDC so far in my pathetic tortoise life.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN JOLINE?!?!
But... Thanks Ivan for everything yesterday. You are a greatly appreciated friend.
I know there was so much i wanted to say but my brain's gone.
Before i bore everyone...
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
if i sound like some drunken ah pek, please forgive me...
exams are over, over over.
it's interesting that about a couple of days before the paper, i began to have those headaches again.
The one i had experienced not long ago due to bad sleeping hours.
As i was saying, about a couple of days ago, it returned, but were only prodding at my temples.
But it's only after the paper proper when it has escalated and taken over my head...
I know it's crummy having a headache but i THANK GOD ANYWAY, for delaying the onset of the fullblown headache.
Well, it's a natural biological thing so i just need to get my proper sleep back.
Goth Girl is now so free, it's crazy.
I'll blog more bout that later. It's now 2:06am.
I've get energy oh YEAH, but my head is in bad shape.
Howling at me to knock off and so i will, with a grumpy grunt.
OH ME, Oh my... Ohmy head...
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
She'll sleep like a rotting log and then awaken as a super energized archer!
I MISS ARCHERY!!!
Sigh. My eye bags and dark circles have been uplifted to a new level of perfection in its creation.
The skin under my eyes used to be dark.
Now, it's dark and puffy.
It's so puffy i don't need to smile to get them to enlarge.
So, i don't think you want to see me smile. Because the pure ugliness of it will kill you.
Strange. The hours to the exam seem to be passing by at a really slow pace.
I count that as good.
Gives the illusion of longer time to revise.
I've never felt this worried about an exam SINCE THE 'A' LEVEL CHEM PAPER!
I remember studying under the Sports Complex stairs with good friend Betty...
Studying Food Chemistry at the 11th hour!
HOW HORRFIYING IS THAT?
Sheesh. 'A' Level and still so unprepared.
There was no excuse for being so unprepared.
It is by pure God's Grace that i passed Chemistry with a D.
I think that breaks Mr P Cheong's record for "poorest student's chem grade".
Oh, you see, he said that his poorest chem student got a C in the past.
And i consider myself to be the poorest or one of the poorest chem students in class.
It always applaud people who like and do and understand chemistry.
A 'D' grade is nothing spectacular of course. It's below average.
But considering that i've never passed more than 2 or 3 chemistry tests (tests: topical tests, mid and end year exams)...
THROUGHOUT my ENTIRE JC LIFE, a 'D' grade was a miracle.
Before receiving my results, i even had a dream that i had a glowing red 'F' printed on my transcript.
*hands pressed hard against cheek coupled with a horrified expression*
I am having this blunt headache prodding suggestively at my temples.
Ok, i guess the next time i'll be back blogging will be if i am either tired of revising or if i'm back after the paper.
I really hope i'll do good.
I'm not just doing this for myself, but for the parentals who've invested so much in me.
To let them down is a downright dirty deed on my part.
Lord, when i am weak, you are strong.
I do it in your strength and no longer in mine.
I commit everything into your sovereign hands...
My best i will give, and everything else is for you to deal with.
I put it into the deposit box with the hole.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Mike the noble, decent, lovable, not bad looking single doctor talks in private at the hospital balcony with Carrie the mostly, goody-two-shoes, married, desirable, beautiful and pretty decent but stubborn women.
Carrie: I'm sure that you will find the perfect girl for you, Mike.
Mike: (in the most decent, pained, noble way) I have found her... But i can't have her. (this makes you almost want to cry)
Carrie: ... (looks on in speechlessness and helplessness although she already knows his predicament)
Mike: Do you know that it's taking every ounce of my will power, not to reach out and touch you, hold you and kiss you?
Carrie: ... (ditto the above)
Before she leaves,
Mike: (reaches out to her with one hand and gently touches her soft cheek.... As if to say "My heart aches so badly, I love you so much but i can't have you. This is all that can be between us.")
Carrie: (looks at him meaningfully) I gotta go Mike, i need to...
I dunno, maybe typed dialogue doesn't quite give the same impact. And the very fact that that was an excerpt from our afternoon soap opera, might just make it seem unimportant and cliche...
But when i saw and heard the way it was acted out... it just SQUEEZED my little achey breaky heart.
Then there's Pearl Habour. (ok, i couldn't hear their names exactly la, so i'll just gasak (that means "anyhow").
Emmeline: You died.
Reeve: But i'm back, it's ok now.
Emmeline: (looks undecided but proceeds with determination anyway) When you died... I died.
I think so far, that's the only line that has been ringing in my head since after the show.
When all things Lifespan Development should be instead.
Bleah, so much for studying.
Guys and Planes
There's this thing about guys and cars, i believe i mentioned that before. Something rather sexy about it.
I think there's also something about guys and planes.
Think it's the whole: "I'm a pilot, i'm JUST SO cool... I'm so GREAT. See my gorgeous plane? See my cool shades and buff body?"
As he comes strutting out from that fighter aircraft, the proud girlfriend feels so warm and fuzzy inside that her wonderful mate is a PILOT.
And all her friends go, "oh you lucky thing... your boyfriend is SUCH a hunk..."
Hello? Wake up?!
The stupid i'm-flying-off-to-war-and-leaving-poor-girlfriend-behind stuff reminds me of a certain person.
Oh, go away!
On a different note.
Thoughts about War... and Us.
Watching Pearl Harbour stirred up some thoughts and yeah, you guessed it. It stirred up thoughts of the reality of the terrors of war.
What the world and countries would be like (reactions, who's on whose side) if war breaks out.
What kinds of bombs and things will be showered on us. (that's putting it mildly)
How will new developments help to protect us, to whatever extent.
How do we cope in times of war.
World War III?
Ties between countries are so important.
There's a lesson to you, Mr. said-Singapore-is-the-size-of-a-piece-of-pisai.
There's so much going on around the world and who knows how long it will be before it escalates.
Bringing people from all around the world into a state of mass side-taking and whatever else is reason for war, adversity and... finally into war.
How fast, how painful would the process of death be if i got flung off from a bomb explosion?
I rather die quick than have my arms and legs chopped off one by one.
What if someone points a gun to my head, or yes, threatens to chop off my limbs in order to make me renounce my God?
Easy to say that i won't renounce God now. If ever in that situation, i really hope and pray that i'd keep to my promise.
Imagine a time war has begun on the grounds of religion.
Imagine being out with friends and suddenly you are attacked by a bunch of armed anti-Christians and they demand that "whoever's a Christian, STEP OUT NOW."
I think about it and i wonder what i would do...
How about, what if i am tortured by the anti-Christians and am asked to reveal the whereabouts of my family?
Or, what if one of my family members is caught and reveals our whereabouts?
Imagine the turmoil of emotions between family members.
Can you forgive? Can you still love?
Can you still see through the situation and still love?
Ok, i think examinations make the mind think more than i should.
Not good when things you think about aren't exam related.
*looks at time*