Monday, May 31, 2004

Psyching Up.

My devilish angel. Posted by Hello

Just a little picture to bring a smile to me face... And to anyone who loves poochies.

Hello sister... Ha, confused is it. No worries!
Ok, what you saw was (no, not an alien invented form of funky vernier calipers, hiak hiak...) a compound bow's "bow sight". This is an aiming device, that is assembled and attached onto a compound bow. (see compound bow) What it lacks now, is a scope (an example). The bow sight is designed such that you can attached on a scope. So, this aiming device has little things you can tweak to move the scope left, right, up and down. YOu look through the scope to aim.
So, after the attachments are done onto the bow (sight and scope), you are now ready to adjust the equipment such that it is accurately zero-ed in onto the target centre.
Of course, that would then require you to do some test shooting.
Ya savvy? If not, i am more than happy to explain further.

HA, HA, HA... Now that you mention it... it does look a little like it. But without the clipping thingy.
But it is funky, no??? HAHA. The pixels don't do it justice. okok, not like there's much to improve on anyway but yeah... I love my first lump of equipment!
When i get my bow and attach it on, i'll post a picture to let you see how my vernier calipers fixes on. It'll do its measurements for me... right on target.

*** ***

Was doing a little surfing around and came across the names of people who would be possible future rivals...
As much as archery is about you and the target, the other fact is, you have people to beat, if ya want that medal, yes?

Call it rivalry, greed, etc.

I believe it's quiet ambition. You are going to have to set some sights if you expect yourself to go anywhere. You are going to have to face these people sooner or later.

Perhaps i am gearing up to soon? I beg to differ. I aim to psych myself up and keep the gears running. Not that i am going to go out with a big bang. No.
But i aim to quietly work hard at it mentally.

Sure, i am a beginner, a raw archer, an archery suaku.
I must cultivate an attitude and mentality of humility to learn, accept criticism and practice.

On the other hand, i have to think like an achiever.
And keeping this at a slow broil, i will.

It's kinda like, i am going to creep up on them.
(ok, not creeping up anymore, am i?)

So i am going to buy books, read and gain the skills i need. I hope the Great Sale has caught on in books stores TOO.

I have much to learn and many things are going to be tough.
That ain't going to stop me.
I love this sport.
It's like i found a missing piece in my life.
And i want to stay in it as long as circumstances allow it.

*** ***

What happened before was, he was suppose to call but didn't because he didn't have the equipment.
So I called instead.

So this time, i am once again expecting a call from coach but he hasn't contacted me. Does this mean that he still hasn't gotten the equipment? It has suppose to have reached his home country by now.
*arghhh.... sinks into a lump of slimey goo*

Have been waiting as silently as possible, patiently as possible, living through bouts of sudden bursts of insane elation without getting any internal injuries.
I haven't strangled any of my family in murderous excitement yet.

My phone is on LOUD MODE, am sitting tight in jittery anticipation.
But that's all unseen.

Till Then.
*Twiddles thumbs silently, patiently, living...*
*feel like knocking my head for being such a perfectionist*

Sunday, May 30, 2004

There is No Other

Did it really? I thought last year's match was even more iffy (for ACJC) than this year. ACJC looked a little more solid this year but were equally matched.
If it wasn't for the penalty, i wonder how long more the game would have continued at a 3 all draw.
Jolly well hope this will not be the beginning of a losing streak for ACJC. We've lost to HCJC in water-polo already. One of our star sports! Losing in the arena of rugby is a definite no-go. NO WAY. I was standing to the left of the grand stand... I saw Cheam (feel weird calling him that, i don't know him personally, but anyways.) only about once.
Old man? No, didn't see an old man. I saw one RJC photographer. But... no you. Hm...?
Ok, maybe i was too engrossed with the game or wasn't sure? Was looking down the length of the field: Nope, no Alwyn.
You weren't carrying a stand, no?
Really didn't spot you... Oh well... Haha, but i think even if i had spotted and waved to you, i doubt you would've recognise me. :-D
Most people say i look very different from college days.
(of course except the few who've been seeing me now and then)
Thank GOODNESS i have cable... Or else i would've missed out on your photos!
Good stuff and especially so towards the end, methinks.
Oh, are you using that photo enabling thingy that Blogger has managed to integrate?

Oh the experiment was a test on schema and stereotyping. Specifically, it was testing for gender stereotyping.
So, i'm suppose to read out some vignette(short written decription) to the participants and they were suppose to give me a precise answer.
The short story was about a lost driver asking for directions from a passer-by(the direction giver).
So, there were two conditions. The first, when the direction giver was a female, and the second condition was when the direction giver is a male.

*** ***

Ok, it's a sunday morning and i had to skip church service both yesterday and today. The flu's the cause but what i really thank God for is that i didn't have or any fever i had was minimal.
That meant that i could still struggle through that psych report.
A fever would've crippled me for sure.

People, i tell you something. Never leave Quiet Time (own personal bible study and time with God) to the moments before you go to sleep, if you can help it.

The morning is the best time to have your Quiet Time.
I'm not going to say: "IT WORKS" , because it's not like some cooking recipe or anything.

Just know that there is no better way to begin the day than with a talk with God, the Creator, the Almighty, the Only One, The Friend in A High Place.

He is the Greatest alive and how can we not spend time with Him?

There was a time when picking up the bible was a pain. It was a chore. It was time burning. It didn't mean anything. I wanted to get away as fast as possible.

But now, things are different.

Each time i pick up my QT stuff, i feel as if... a curious feeling, i must say.

I feel as though: I am coming Home.
It's an odd feeling, when thinking of it rawly. But that's the exact words to put it in.

Talking to God was like coming back Home. Everything feels homely and as if i am coming back to something familiar and loving and understanding.

So friends, or whoever is reading this.
It is my hope that perhaps some time, you might want to know this God...

Life may not transform into a bed of roses. The years ahead will never always be smooth.

But one thing is for sure. When life ISN'T that bed of roses, you are not alone to face it.

Hm, i apologize when i do make up my own words. Sometimes, it helps with expression when i can't find anything else better in the normal vocab.

*** ***

We now have to wean ourselves off American Idol, and... watch Singapore Idol!

I'm not a groupie, mind you. I watch it for the entertainment factor as well as to...
Clean my ears out?

Well, i love music and i like seeing how accurate my critiquing skills are.
Not that i can sing. OH PLEASE, i CROAK.

But all those years of music making, and being told off for bad tone and pitch have sharpened the ear to musical elements.

*** ***

The bow sight is an aiming device that is fitted onto a bow, for those of you who are sprouting question marks.

My bow sight case. It's not just ANY case. Shh. Posted by Hello

My Sure-Loc sight that i've been blabbering all about for the longest time. Posted by Hello

*** ***

As you can see. Technophobe decided to fiddle around with some photo thingy.
*clap, clap*

I still have to find a way of how to publish it without going around in circles.
For now, Technophobe is happy.

Till Then.
*Good Day, All.*

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Messed but not destroyed.

Yes it is. Not to say that it is all right, but least we know that our team still has it in them.
Hm... Was looking out for you, the guy with the Nikon camera, but didn't see you. :-)

*** ***

Picking up from where i begun.

We lost to our arch rival, RJC.

I know i'll probably get stoned for saying this. But all along, i can honestly say that i felt something was going to be different this year.
And so it was.

Having said that though. I saw and i believe both teams were equally matched, apples to apples.

Both teams gave it their all.

It was just circumstances that we lost.

No tries. All penalties. Go figure.

The thing i liked best?
The students who were holding our school flag aloft,
WERE WAVING IT PROUDLY EVEN TILL THE END AS IF WE HAD WON! (when everyone was on the field)
Really spoke about true sportsmanship and the ACS spirit.

One would've thought that we had won, if you saw it from a distance.

I raise my hat to the ACJC rugby players who fought all the way. Not wavering at all.

You guys will come back stronger! GO YA'LL!

As for the RJC rugby players...

We'll be BACK. But as always... May the better team win.

*** ***

Ah, and i am pretty messed myself.
Being too engrossed in completing that psychology assignment, i forgot i had my other readings to attend to.
So what happened?
I am lagging behind the most recent lecture topic.

Some bug flew in (inFLUenza) and i awoke with a sore throat two days ago.
At this point, i am plagued by a sore throat, runny and stuffy nose, cough and occasional heavy headedness.
At least no fever! PRAISE GOD!

Wonderful. Ya can take it both ways.

My experiment screwed up in my face. I can either re-do, which is daft, OR i just have to follow up with my most "interesting" results.
So there.

I have a family thing on saturday and archery on sunday.


I've been trying to psych myself that i am actually OK and that i've had it worse before.

Even to the extent of trying to SING out loud, so that i can make good use of my husky, sexy voice. HAHAHAAHAHA.
CRAP la, Jo.
Hey, i need convincing, no?

Ok, but the dripping nose spoils the whole effect.

Gotta go.

Till Then.
*We'll BE BACK. *throws fist in air!* *

Wednesday, May 26, 2004


ACJC lost.
And that's all i gotta say about that.


The following replies were written before the match.
Which explains the ungrim tone.

Thank you, thank you... Someone who supports seasonal narcissism. YAY!
My flagging self esteem is always in need of ego boosting. Which's probably another reason why this blog's contents are extra narcissistic. (why do i get the feeling the spelling's all wrong?)
HAH. Yez. Our ACJC library takes the cake for air-con usage. But there's this particular corner in the library that i like to take cover in... It's at the very very corner of the library, where the fiction section is. It looks haunted (haha) but quiet and doesn't feel like a freezer compartment.
I don't know whether i should be thankful for never being part of Daniel Khor's lectures. On one hand, it must be pure entertainment, on the other, it is probably pure torture and a waste of time...
The photo(s) and Barang Barang? HAHA, yes, it is really me! But NOT forgetting dear Betty also... There're more pictures of her though. DUH... Cos she is so pretty! haa.
It was just a one time thing. Barang2 decided to open a make-up and girly accessories corner, so we helped by being the free models. Hehehe. It was because another good friend's(Germaine) sister worked for Barang2, so she roped us in.

Thanks!!! Oh and i didn't quite enjoy that sunday's archery practice. Having a series of bad bad weeks. GRRR...
YOu know what? I can't remember about the library thing... Then again...
OH! Yup, there's only one library in ACJC.

*** ***

Have been hit by a bug.
I want to hit it back.

I just got my psychology assignment back.
An expected bad grade this time.

I have also been denied again a place in NUS/NTU.
(SMU gave me a chance at my last choice)
I will be fine where i am.
At least i can get my degree, PLUS seriously pursue ARCHERY.

Till Then.
*Life... Goes on*

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Tired slob.

Alwyn and Weizhen:
Thanks you guys...
I guess it's just that sometimes, i read blogs of different kinds from different extremes. And i realize that mine is at the unsettling end, in my opinion.
There are narrations of narcissistic exploits, boring step by step processes of something i deem "important", and whatnot.
I thank you for still dropping by...
Appreciate the footprints you leave behind.

*** ***

Had a sleepover(at my place) with my "Library Gang" from friday into saturday.
ACJC Library Gang RULEZ!

No, not that we were all from the library CCA squad. We just spent almost all our free periods in the digit freezing ACJC library.

We're the gang of four, inseparable...

We got together at about 4+pm, yakked and yakked, then ventured out to HV for dinner.
Got back and proceeded to get ready for the REAL yakking.

It was so nice to get back together again, to update each other on our lives since the last time we saw each other.

Silly me. I told everyone NOT to sleep so soon. We didn't meet to sleep! Wanted us to stay awake for hours to talk, but yeah...
I was the first one to knock off.
Which i got partially yelled at about the next morning. *giggle*

The only gripe i have is that, i wish our time together could've been stretched...

It's just no fun to have everyone go off to do their own stuff so soon the next day.
Sure, it can't be helped. But hey, that's why it IS a gripe.

*** ***

Today, my parents finally got to see (after one year?) the Barang Barang photo at the Great World City outlet.
My god brother couldn't believe it was really me. The child's shocked expression was priceless!
I wonder how long it would be before they take down the photos.

*** ***

Really nothing much to say, except that tomorrow's (or today) my ARCHERY DAY.
And i pray that God would bless us all with good weather.

Been looking good so far.

My bow is not due for another 2 or 3 weeks though. *drums fingers*

I cannot wait to begin serious training. I want to see how far my body + training can take me in this sport.

*** ***

I need to buy running shoes.
New Balance and Asics are the choices that stand out so far.
Anymore suggestions?
Note: Am on tight budget.

I spotted some nice New Balance shoes. I'm not going to let them run away. (pardon the bad and unintended joke)

I am awfully tired. It's 1:30am.

till Then
*blinks with difficulty*

Thursday, May 20, 2004


I don't usually use make-up. So when i do, i forget to clean it off.

So, out from the shower i came, and got a mild surprise to see Goth Girl staring at me in the mirror.

*** ***

I have finally found the closure i needed.
Things are not hanging about anymore and that's all i need.

We learnt during psychology class that humans generally like order.
We like things to reach completion and feel frustrated if they do not.

Such an example would be the family that was put through terrible emotional pain when they could not find the body of the father under all the rubble and debris from what was Nicoll Highway.

If this kind of situation can make me go gezonkers already, imagine what kind of trauma they went through.

I salute their strength and will to carry on.

*** ***

Different style of writing, or different way of thinking, or different usage of blog.
Call it what you want.
But i think i am a shallow person and less intellectual compared to many of my peers.

I yak about a superficial occurrence, while someone else will yak about the underlying issues of the occurrence.

I see such eloquent expression, clarity of thought, sharp meaning (no fuzziness) in other writings, while here i am writing things that are so two dimensional.

I realize and understand concepts only much later, when others grasp it within a fraction of the time i take.

I have so little opinions on issues, that i find it hard to debate.

My spelling and grammar sucks.

I think the reason is this.
I am lazy, apathetic and desensitized.
I am too well taken care of. Life is coming too easy for me.
I don't wonder enough. (maybe i'm not depressed enough)
Haven't been reading enough.

Ok, maybe there was a time my mind was in better shape. (i think?)
But, not anymore.
There has been an obvious deterioration.

Am i suffering from a degenerative mental disease?!
One of those that sneak up on you and before you know it, the evil thing grins and waves goodbye at you.


Till Then.
*Happy Holidays you guys. Mine is non-existent as of now*

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Heavy Heart

Thanks. :-) Everything about the videoing and observing the best, is right. And i agree with you. From the archery articles i've read, this is what is recommended as well.
Rachel Sng, the top compound woman shooter (or does it include men as well?) told me the same thing.
Look for someone with good formwork. Watch... and learn/copy.
And yes, visualization is a BIGGY in archery.
I know that the team does it, and a friend told me that they do "pseudo shooting" at night, at 30m. He says he watch until sian. *grim smile*
90% mental and 10% physical... I'd give physical a little bit more credit.
There is a fair amount of physical involved, because you need the strength to pull the bowstring and maintain, preferably a full draw, and adopt a good anchor point.
Otherwise, form will be inconsistent and the results will show.
Stamina as well, if we're looking at a competitive level.
And amount of poundage. Pretty important when going for distance.
"transposition of what our mind thinks into our hands?" This is true.
Hm, the very truth of the mental bit never fails to amaze me, even though it is clear.
The resultant arrows on the target truly reflect the mental state of an individual at that point.
Really appreciate your dropping by, by the way.

*** ***

Bogged down.
Angry.(at myself)
Hurt.(in a different way)

I feel, to some degree, the same way 2 years ago.

Don't know what to put my trust in.
Don't know how to get over it.

I know i will, someday.
But meanwhile, am suffering the after effects.

(And then i wonder:
Ok, so i am feeling like the biggest pile of elephant poop and he is probably feeling like the biggest, happiest, most liberated man alive.)

Shit happens.
Just my good fortune to have it happen now.

Ah, once again, i am reminded to cling on to God, my solace.

My mind, being tormented as it resides a few lightyears away.
My thoughts, going around in circles.

I need a distraction.
But it has to be something substantial.
Getting a temporary distraction is not going to be of help.
Because in the end...
When i open my closet door, the bones will come crashing down on me in a hideous pile.

Troubled mind does no good for an archer.

Then again, i have to look at it this way.
Life isn't always going to be rosy and pink and sweet.
So, deal with it and get stronger.

An archer bogged with problems but who's able to deal with it and partition them away while continuing strong, is better than an archer who's never had to deal with any adversity.

Because one day, if something rotten happens, Happy Archer is going to crash and burn.

It took me 1 year and some to get over it in the past.

Time to kick my own butt and realize that one has to come out stronger from adversity, rather than mope about and feel depressed.

Ok, so i am really depressed.

In my almost 20 years, i have never had that many things to get depressed over.
So, this is new ground to conquer.
Absurd as it is.

My defense system is something like a piece of a mushy, watery, no-use, maggot-chewed decomposing zebra.
Time to toss it out.

Time to build a new one.
Time to build one, that is as tough as i can make it.
It won't be 100% steel, but as i've said, as tough as i can make it and to get me out alive.

Then again.

Do i really need it?


Not thinking as straight as i want to.

Strike a balance between depending on God and Self?

All on God.


Crud. I am messed up.

I need someone to take a look inside my uppermost cavity.
And... prescribe me something.

Till Then.
*I need more participants for my experiment, preferably people who drive*

Sunday, May 16, 2004

... ...

for lack of a better title.

HAHAHHA, sister, you are so funny.
Yez, those track shoes are from college days all right. yeehee.
The soles are opening up at the edges already. So sad if i were to dump them away.
It has some of our fun-o-rama red paint on it, you remember, that day when we were doing the banners... Oh, the memories.
Looking forward to see you guys, lots!!!
Want to just cry in relief already.

*** ***

Feeling really upset with recent events.
Some aspects of being human just cannot be changed just like that.
At face value, i don't think anyone is to be blamed. Unless there's really more to it than it seems.

But what can i do?
Sit back, and take it like another one of life's events?
Or, do something about it.
I am in a dilemma as to what i should do.
As it is, it looks hopeless and i jolly well have no idea about what is going on.
Mentally tormenting, this is.

*stares straight ahead, feeling yet again like a straight line that wavers every few seconds*

It is clear he wants nothing to do with me, so... there. He will have his wish.

*** ***

Went to Starbucks with a couple of buddies on wednesday and happened to met a sec sch friend who was working behind the counter...
Thanks SO MUCH HAIKAL! (not that you'd be reading this, but anyway)
So sweet of you and really appreciate it...

Saw another sec sch friend but didn't say hi.

*** ***

I learnt something valuable today about archery.

It is no simple task to get that nice looking yellow circle.
It's not just: pick up your bow, nock that arrow, and *zoing!*, *TA!*, and WALA.
What i mean is,
Archery is not as 2-dimensional as you might think, or as it might look.
Just a point of realization that i was told about many times before, but only had a taste of, today.

Initially when you begin, and if you start off well, you think: Whoopee, i'm goood...

But then, there will be a times when you:
1. hit a plateau
2. suay, suay had a bad day resulting in a less focused mind
3. are off form
4. missed a week
5. Discouraged by a previous practice.

Therefore, hampering good performance.

Today was such a day...

I started off really bad and felt so awful i messaged two friends.
Bless their hearts...
Never fail to make me feel better or offer some kind and truthful words.

One key thing i have learnt today about archery is this,
(IF you want to get back to form from a low point, keep these in mind):

1. It's very psychological. In the mind.
You are going to go nowhere if you keep getting discouraged each time by a bad shot.
You should treat each arrow as an individual and not cling onto the memory of a bad shot.
Getting yourself positively psyched up is very important of you want that yellow/bull's eye.
Change your attitude, move AWAY from the bad and negative HOLE of BAD emotions and thoughts. Instead, RE-PSYCH yourself, do a mental make-over.
Get that mind back into the drill and motion of archery.
Get the feeling back, get the mood, get the mental strength and focus back onto the target and why you can hit it.
Once you see the results, hang on to the positivity and believe in youself.

Keep trying... and Keep trying.
With repeated shots and the effort of changing your mindset, you will effectively see the slow progress of the arrows clustering back again.
Don't give up. It takes time to reset(grab all the flying frays of thought, form and attitude back and fuse them together), as it were, again and therefore you must keep at it.

I cannot say i am fully back in form but i feel slightly better.
I guess it is because i began to see results only towards the end of practice.
So, not much time to consolidate what i have gained back.

By the way...


Pretty, pretty...
I don't dare to take it out from the plastic cover.
Cost me a $#%%^$^& bomb, i tell you.

Coach could see how excited i was about getting my bow, though i was trying hard to hide it.
He bought himself a Hoyt Compound Bow, 60 pounds.
Well, i gotta start off somewhere, and definitely not with a Hoyt.

Oh, and i discovered via my shooting kaki, that just before practice, the team runs for about 30min around the Christian cemetery just opposite the range...

Till Then.
*Ok, psychology experiment, coming right up.*

Saturday, May 15, 2004

General Feeling: BLAH

"...cares of this world just kill the few desires of our heart." It resonates.
Heh, maybe you could consider (though i think i might have some inkling you already have...) working with National Geographic. With your passion for photography and spirit of adventure... Woo.
The "job" to find a good christian man just got harder as i read your comment.

Ho sister. Haha, yez. Long commentz, me like. Yes, and i am glad for entertainment.
*more, more*
You know? It was just a few days ago when i studied and had a lecture on that psychoanalysis mumbo jumbo by our dear Mr Freud.
I am glad... you don't subscribe to all of that.
Penis Envy. (???) Er... Have a comment but best to not say..... 8-I

"Tsk. Scum aren't they? *grins*" (hahahha!!!)

Freud seems to have a lot of things to say about anything, and that it relates to something sexual.

*** ***

Today's saturday...
First to granny's, than to school, now at home and feeling...
Feeling like a straight line.

My eyes hurt, my shoulder is peeling from last week's sunburn.

Blah, is how i feel.
A few things, let me ramble in the most deadpan of ways.

I have not laid a finger on my bow. Yuh. And Why...?
Despite the reservations made for my bow, the dealer accidentally, or otherwise, sold it off. So, coach comes back with just my Sure-Loc sight.
Well, i'm mumbling under my breath, but hey.
Things happen all for a reason. And it could've been worse.
So i've to wait for about a further month. Since the next batch of bows will only arrive in the Philippines at the end of this month.

I have 2 psychological experiments to run and reports to do in the schmall space of TWO measly weeks.
My classmate felt better after i told her i hadn't started yet either. *grin*

Am discouraged by last week's performance at the range. Why? My mind was really somewhere far off.
I am not sure that tomorrow will be any different. I will just have to psych myself for the whole of tonight.
Need to get into a positive frame of mind for practice tomorrow.
Kinda hard when i am mentally tired out.

I feel the flames of anger, its heat just a breath away.
Feathery whisperings of hatred abound.
How is it possible to appease?
I know no way.
I stare ahead empty.
Mind still and blank.
That will be all thus far.
Very well.

I need to stock up to prepare for training.
My track shoes since those days of yore are getting too airy for comfort.
If you know what i mean.
But sports gear just don't come cheap. I am already spending a bomb on my equipment.
There goes a couple more hundred bucks.

*** ***

Been feeling awfully anti-social lately.
Must be my pathetic state of absent mental strength.

Have not felt this alone in a while.
It is a good thing that next week, is my get-together-with-friends week.
Miss you guys and really glad we'll be meeting up soon.

It's not like i have nothing to do.
I have plenty.
I know some things are crying out for my attention, waving their little transparent arms at me...
But i have not the heart to lift a finger.

Good thing i have church service tomorrow.

Till Then.
*To all my friends... See you guys soon yeah. Miss you.*

Monday, May 10, 2004

Men and relationships

The think the new blogger layout is extremely friendly for my laptop's format and screen.
KUDOS to the people at BLogger!

Nope, i will not name my bow until i actually see it and use it.
When i think i "know" it well enough... i will christen it... WOO! i have my dad's officer sword. I can knight it then.
Heh. Jo and her nonsense.
Hahaa, oh my flute? Samy is doing ok, if not collecting a bit of dust...
Samy is still looking good though, looking as good as new.
Nice to see you back again. Exams over, yah?

My WORD... You know all those things that you mentioned you said you might be embarking on soon? they are JUST the kinds of things i always dream of doing but never had the guts to do it.
Heh, yeah. Think you are going to need to recuperate after your Mt Ophir climb. Precarious stuff but hey... priceless. A discovery of self.
Wookay, will keep the date in mind. Really hope i can make it for the rugby match. An all-time traditional favourite school match.

PRECISELY. It's like...
"He is a true blue American COWBOY"

*scowls and disappointed looking catty women*

"BUT. He's worth 80 MILLION dollars!"

*suddenly, the light in every of the women's eyes spark up by a few thousand watts*

You know, seeing comments in the commentary box never fails to make me happy, even when i feel poopy.
Your comments mean something to me.
Thanks, you guys.

I am also aware though, that there are unseen guests...
HELLO you people! *waves*

*** ***

Ok, now it's men slamming time.

Feeling cheesed and if i do not get it out of my system, i won't be able to study.

I cannot and do not trust men easily.
They have to either REALLY prove themselves, or i have to know them VERY well or they have to be SUPER God fearing and SPOTLESSLY clean.

But which guy ever is?

I think my moral standards for a good male for me is too high for anyone to achieve.
One way or another, i am going to pick out something that pisses me off and then he's going to get bombarded.

I have read, heard and seen too much to trust the male species.

Sometimes, i just think...
-times when i just feel as if having a good relationship is as hopeless as me becoming a siren...-

Why bother going through so much pain and hurt of unmet expectations.
Look at the world today.
How can i possibly commit?

It is just SO hard!

Men do not change overnight.
If they do, it is really worth being suspicious over.
I question the motives.

Why isn't there someone i can completely trust.

My gripe(s) about men is...


Maybe i'm generalizing.
Maybe i'm being too harsh.

But i will say to you.
Can YOU PLEASE prove me wrong?

If you can, i would LOVE to meet that eligible man you are standing up for,
I would LOVE to meet YOU.(if you claim to be that wonderful MORAL-OOZING male)

I am plagued by, "What's he doing?", "What's he thinking?", "What?", "Why?", "How?"...

This world is evil, cruel, ugly.

No man on this Earth is perfect.
Therefore i cannot expect such a man to materialize.

Look at the sort of nonsense you get in university dorms alone?
I cannot stand for it.

What do i have to do?
Lower my expectations and learn how to trust?

But how can i do that? I am a stickler for Morals, Christian values, Honesty... the whole array.
I expect that of myself and i know i need someone who has set the same standards for himself.

A cry for good, God fearing men.

Where art thou?

In church, i hear?
Some would surprise you...

As for females...

We have our own set of bad points and stories of infidelity that men will gripe about.
Grant that much.

But that is out of the point.

It is MEN i have a problem with, not women!

Till Then.
*Joline is TRYING hard to remain nonchalant about her bow that is soon to be on the way*

Friday, May 07, 2004

Bouts of doubt

That's just how i am feeling now.
Lots of things running through my head.
Prodding, analysing, hypothesizing, wondering...

*sheepish smile*
Nay, it is not Isreal...
It is one of those places where fights can break out. Not a safe place for Christians either.
And i must thank you again for that gorgeous sunrise photo.
Wish could've been there to take it all in!
So... when's the next mountain climbing stint? :-)

Ho Honey... hahaha, all right, all right. I love Jed.
Btw, he has begun destruction works on another drawer.
My dad went donkers.

I have paid for my bow. It is a PSE Supra compound bow. I do not know the EXACT model.
It's going to be "blind date" ( as a friend has very, very aptly put it) of sorts between my bow and me.
Not that i have not seen how such a model generally looks.
I just have not seen how this PARTICULAR, SPECIFIC bow i am buying, looks like.

Now, the bow and accessories aren't cheap. It adds up to a hefty sum, for a non-working student like me.

So ANYONE who wants to ask me out during the hols, better: 1. treat me or 2. be considerate and bring me to a cheapo place to eat, or 3. er... be grateful if i offer you a chip if i buy my own food.

Just a few days ago while at my study table, i realized that i am officially going to own my very own LEGAL WEAPON.

The most expensive thing to date that i own due to hard work/some form of pain, is my Yamaha flute.

This is something even BIGGER.

While revelling in that bit of... revelation (for lack of a better word) , (oh yes, jo can be so blur, that she doesn't realize things until a few days later...)
As i was saying. What was i saying?

Oh yes.

As i was drinking in the fact, i found myself saying (yes, i DO TALK to MYSELF) "Oh my ****, my ****, come to me... I love you!"
Then in a more serious tone, it just came and i said mentally... "I paid a price for you."

(i am saying the above with a degree of embarrassment. But i'm being honest!)

Then it hit me.

Here i was thinking so fondly of my bow i have not even got to touch or see.
Suddenly, i just felt this strong emotion bubbling within me.

It's like, when you have spent a fortune on something so precious and something that you really want so much that you know you would just LOVE it no matter what.

Ever felt like that before?

So, the bottom line is this:
That is just how GOD feels about us.
He loved and still loves us so much, he died FOR us. Unworthy lot we are.
Not that He never knew us before. He knows all.

But He DIED for us. He paid THAT PRICE FOR US.
He feels so strongly for each of us.
And He wants us to come to him, as his children.

A little insight into how the Father feels.

Not that it is comparable, no, no.
What He did, is FAR GREATER.

Just that i know how the process feels like.
Gives me greater understanding on how God feels for his people.
And it reminds me that there are people out there who seriously need God.

I am open for your work Lord.
Just tell me what you want me to do.

Might drive some females out there mad when i say this.

"Who cares?"
"Shush! Evil twin sister, you will not speak unless spoken to, and no one in his or her right mind would want to speak to you, so don't get mouthy, you hear?"
"Oh? It's my blog too and i can move your fingers."
"... You'll have your way this time."

Forgive her, she needs some speech space.

As i was saying. I think women are SOOO CATTY.
I can't think of a better word to describe us, as the other human counterpart to the males.

CAts can look so evil with their slitted and narrowed eyes, and so do women when they are angry.
We are unpredictable and dangerous.
When it comes to men... some of us really go to lengths to snare him.

Think of a cat stalking that innocuous little birdie that was minding its own business... *shiver*
There is both beauty and ugliness about it.

And then cats have their charm. The way they twirl and twine, cuddle, rub and purr...
Sounds exactly like the women on this season's "Joe Millionaire".

I feel sick just seeing the trailers. Or when it is on (the tv channel just happens to be tuned on it), it is quite offputting.

The whole show is lowdown grot.
Morals, virtues, inner beauty...
Wot? Wot are those?

Maybe the media is just multiplying the money-minded business a million sizes too large.
In case some viewers cannot do their own discerning.

I think, in this "game" of "grabbing the guy"... I'm just no good.

Not to say i am an angel... Gads, NO.
But i can't see myself blatantly going after a fella.
If he doesn't say/do anything, i wouldn't.

As you will already know, i am buying a compound bow.
I've visited the website of the brand i am buying my bow from.
And i am appalled to find that hunting beautiful beasts like the Polar Bear and some other kinds of deer, are permitted.
Or is it? I dunno.
But they sure go hunting with them PSE bows.

But i felt... ARGH! I don't want to be related or associated with anything that kills animals for sport!!!
But it is too late.
As a friend said... Compound bows are for hunting.

I was reading a little on their exploits in the wild, how they look out for gorgeous bucks. (not money)
I mean... Hello??? You pick out the studs to kill.... how about the poor ole does?

Sure, they are probably more out there... But hey, why the need to kill them animals anyways.

Then again, people in other countries have their own way of thought and culture.
And Buck Hunting happens to be one of them.

It is gruesome.

Till Then.
*I am going to name my compound bow..."

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Long Post. Filter if need be.

Yo SISTER! WA! I've not heard from u in AGES!!! (ok, exaggerating here, but hey, miss you!)
I suppose you'll be ending your exams soon... Er, so i heard about the conflicting news reports about some examination answers begin posted on the net. Hope that does not affect you... Though it was for accounting students.
HAHAha, was laughing about your lack of brain cells. Aw, don't worry. In fact, your neurons should be working better after examinations!
We shall meet up okokok...?

It is very depressing to hear of people dying, as of late.
I know people have been dying all over already for the longest time, but recently, i guess it has hit home and i've been keeping with the news.
First, collapse of the Nicoll Highway, Second, the collapse at the worksite at Fusionpolis and Now, the stabbing of a sales assistant at West Mall on saturday.
A SHOPPING MALL, mind you! With a whole concentration of people in an enclosed area. Not that he was a mad man, but the fact that he did it in full view of the public!
It was reported that the suspect, or rather, the murderer (oh please, as much as the "innocent until proven guilty" thing says... ) was loitering around on friday itself.
He RETURNED to complete the abhorrent deed the next day. That means that he had a day to sleep over the decision.
What does that say?
Murder was on his mind already.
For how long, only the assailant REALLY knows.

What do you think of guys who switch focus of affection in less than a few weeks, plus, to a person he never felt for before.
Jerk... or simply Starved...
They should never be allowed to breed, for the sake of future generations of womankind.

I felt that i had accomplished enough work on wednesday, so i decided to give myself a little break on thursday.
Not much of a break really. But just some fresh air.
Well then again, not quite.
I really must try to let loose sometimes.
You see, i do not go out unless i have a reason to. I must have something to accomplish. I don't see myself going out just to "hang out".
TO me, i don't find it possible.
IF anything, the closest it would get would be... If i go out for the purpose of EXPLORING. So that means walking around withOUT a particular direction in mind, BUT doing so for the purpose of DISCOVERY.

Anyway, yeah. I went out on thursday to top up the bus card.
After which, i walked by Macs towards the bus stop.
Being deprived of late, of fast food and especially fries, i decided to indulge.

The real point of this, is this.

As i sat, like just one of the many random people who sit along the walkway on tiled seating outside Bestway, i noticed an old lady opposite me.
Now, she was eating "gao luck" (pronounced as such but not sure of real spelling).
With her, were a few filled NTUC bags.

As i am munching on my fries, she was munching on her chestnuts.

And i thought:
- Look at the different things we are eating.
Not to generalize for sure. But me, from the generation of fast food. Her, the older generation enjoying the treats from the past.
- How would i be like when i get to her age?
- *reflects on way of life and lifestyle, how blessed i am, how unstable my life is, how i have not achieved very much*
Then i think.
- Would i be able to support my family next time? (if i would be so... -hm, privileged? subjective- to have a family)
- Would i end up just being a person who toils and toils in a low paying job, living a less comfortable life than i have now?
Though i might have everything i need now, that does not mean i will be living in the same luxury in future.
- She looks contented with where she is and what she was doing. Where will i be at her age? Can i live contentedly too?

And so the bottom line is this:
I am going to make sure my kids get all the things i have now. I am not seriously deprived, i was never ill treated, i have been blessed from the day i was born.
But it scares me too, that my life is in its beginning stages and if i do not get my qualifications, it is going to be difficult to survive in a society such as ours.
Some people still make it despite the odds. But me? I have been too sheltered and spoonfed.
If i will be thrown into such a situation... God Help. I won't be able to cope on my own.

Made a trip to safra on friday with coach. Not many compound bows to choose from.
Safra had a couple of Mathews, a PSE, and a Darton, i think.
Coach has a better idea. I have to decide on whether i want to take up that idea.
But anyway... i have made my choice.
I have decided to join the national training team.

I hope that in time, i will gain the full support of my family, my friends and potential team mates.
This is a slightly life altering decision.

I do not feel that i am not at peace with my decision.
I guess i feel pretty all right about it after making my decision.
But the thing that unsettles me is fear of what's COMING.
I suppose that is natural for any newbie.

How would you feel if BOTH your parents take on a mission trip to a country that is a ticking time bomb?
"Trust God", we all think.
It is hard... :-(

Recently, we thought that our beloved dog Jed was having asthma attacks.
Brought him to the vet and discovered that the "attacks" he was having were called "Reverse Sneezing".
That is when he "forgets" how to function and starts warping himself up.
Happens when they get excited or... it just happens as and when.

It is common among dogs actually.
My previous dog had the same problem.

But now that we know what that is, i am wondering what exactly took his life.
In his last hours, he had a breathing problem.
It was a strange affliction that took him within 1-2 days.

We didn't want Jed to leave us the same way Prints (last dog) did.

Jed is a spoilt little brat. Everyone loves and hates him at the same time.
He's a devilish angel, all packaged in a small frame.

He has destroyed 1 and a 1/2 drawers and a few pieces of wooden furniture.

1. looks like a dog
2. eats like a pig
3. climbs like a mountain goat
4. jumps like a kangeroo
5. Trots like a hackney pony
6. probably barks louder than a German Sheppard
7. mad as a hat
8. mischievous as a monkey
9. steals like a well trained bandit
10. has a personality bigger than himself and big enough to embarrass a dog thrice his size.
11. Probably "suffers" from "i'm a Doberman" complex too. (haha)

I could go on and on and on about his exploits around the house.

If not for the charges we'd be slapped with by the law, we would've thrown him out the window already.

Aiya... but that's just how Miniature Pinschers are.
Too big for their little paws.

Been raining for the past few hours.
BLAH... I've not left the house yet as i'm waiting for a good time. I hope that just because the west end of Singapore might have ended its share of the downpour, the east will start its downpour.
That's the whole problem with outdoor sports and being in Singapore.
The friggin' weather.

Ok. Gotta go.
Ta-ta all.
Always appreciate visitors. :-)

Till Then.
*Joline needs Discipline*