Sunday, August 24, 2008

i never knew

The answer may seem obvious. But i don't know HOW my friends can tell. I mean, i almost always wear a poker straight face when i walk around but when they saw me in church yesterday, they instinctively knew that something was wrong.

I'm sorry to have to put up names here... but i hope you don't mind because otherwise you won't ever know who you are...

Alina, Nat, Joy, Kenny, Jess, Roy, Weirong. I don't know how, but your concern shown really blew me away. To you who noticed and asked, to you who bothered to stay and listen to me and offer counsel, to you who gave me wordless encouraging hugs and pats with a knowing look in your eyes, to you who messaged me even when i was out of sight, listening to me over the phone during the wee hours, to you who despite your own problems offered to pray for me, to the one who even FORCED me to talk, thank you.

You might not know it, but it sure meant something special and felt good for the soul of someone who never thought that she was worth anybody's attention and love.

(I can't shake off the feeling that i might have missed out on someone... I'm pretty sure it's all covered but hey, maybe it's because i felt so well taken care of by so many! :-) )

Saturday, August 23, 2008

no more. :-(

I think i've come to the end of my running days. If my knees don't heal/cartilage too worn out, then it's time to say goodbye to something that i've invested so much in and move on to something else.

I guess i've got to still train for my 10km in dec. If i find that my knees are going nowhere but downhill after that, then it's probably time to admit that this year's standard chartered run could well be my last. Sigh.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."


For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Ah! Rush rush today. Tomorrow's homework and readings are NOT done yet, today's readings are not done yet (when doing a masters, doing your readings before class is PARAMOUNT, cannot run away from it one!), and i already have to get ready for school NOW when i haven't eaten lunch and, and, and, ARGH!

Ok, then why am i blogging? To preserve my sanity! :-DDDD

Oh, and i signed up for kickboxing classes with Miss R for 5 weeks, on thursdays and i er, couldn't help but sign up for archery too. Hohoho. Despite my schedule being absolutely PACKED. WHO CARES. I NEED TO BE A STUDENT with a LIFE! Even if only for a while.... but if God says to sacrifice... then, to sacrifice it, i will. :-S (but can i only sacrifice being on the school team, can i still join for fun? :-DDD Alternatively, i can go back to shooting for ACS, instead of NTU. Shooting for ACS would allow me to train on Sundays instead of Saturdays.)

(When i saw the archery booth at NTU, my heart started to pump faster, my breathing was like, shorter, my mind was swirling and i just, i just... against all odds, HAD to get myself involved!!!! Somehow!!!)

Ok, ramble done. Back to CHIONGING like mad.

Oh, i have a weird dream (but Miss R says it may be more than that) to share. More on that later.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Oh nuts. As the NTU ECA Fair rolls around starting tomorrow, my head is filling up with the familiar images surrounding archery and the feeling of drawing, aiming and releasing is making me go dreamy.

Will i ever get back to shooting? Will i ever have time to devote to archery?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Other than the march in and march past (my regular favourite throughout all these years) during our national day parade, i thought the display by the Singapore Silat Federation was SO COOL. Oh, and i think the song composed for this year is tasteful (did you see the "mtv" for it? it was so heartfelt) and Joi Chua and Hady Mirza sang so beautifully together!


I have a pimple on my jawline that is so mountainous that i think it can caste its own significant shadow.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

And so it has been...

It hasn't been easy. I've only had 2 days in school and i have been bombed, shell shocked, pick-up-jaw-off-the-floor horrified, by the amount of work (and the quality of work expected, as V and i have agreed on) meted out by the lecturers.

To date (my collection as of monday and tuesday only, ok!):

1. Group work: Journal summary and analysis + group meetings + presentation (due: 18th August 2008)
2. 1 Week study of newspaper articles + Report writing
3. Daily/Weekly textbook readings.
4. Weekly written reflections (due: weekly)
5. Essay (counting...)
6. Interview (to my really agreeable interviewee, THANK YOU. You have really blessed me beyond any word of thanks.)
7. Reading of supplementary journals (got the kind where you need coffee as a companion)
8. Future group work and ROLE PLAY. OH MY *beep beep beep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I CANNOT ACT! I LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY! AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR CLASS PARTICIPATION POINTS!)

Is this what full time undergraduates have to deal with too? Is this normal? (I did my undergraduate studies part time. It was busy, yes, but not THIS loaded!) OR, is this what a masters course is like? It's totally new to me!

So, let me tell you.........

- Because i'm the youngest in the cohort of 14 adult students, i constantly feel like i am the most inexperienced of the lot. Feeling judged and calculated.

- Feel as if i've to prove myself smart enough to be able to match their experience.


- But i have to remind myself that God gave me this place and so i need to be assured that HE HAS prepared the way already, that i have His favour, and that everything will be taken care of. Honestly, my self reminders of God's plan and purpose are so MEEK in comparison to my mental yellings that tell me to do things in my human strength and way. That I am to be the one who has to make things happen. God, help.

- That said. Because of all my mad struggling, i think a result of this is that doing this course is going to pull me closer to God, that we're going to work more closely together hand in hand. And i guess I'll gain a better understanding of His work in my life through our partnership.

- I am having to learn to rely on Him a whole lot more because while doing this course, i am constantly faced with the fact that I am so weak and unable. I'm never going to be able to achieve and complete things all on my own. My ability is limited, but God is strong, able, all knowledgable and INFINITE! That's why for everything that "i am able" to bring to completion, i can only say that i do it because i have God by my side, and that I can do all things (purely) through Christ who strengthens me. Oh my goodness. Just as i typed that out, it's like a rhema effect. The TRUTH of that word from the bible is astounding! Jesus Christ, makes up for the rest of me, that cannot.

- It was hard to type "I can do...". I just wanted to leave it as "I do all things...", because it just says that "ok, in whatever i do... in all that i do...". It doesn't DECLARE the positivity of the fact that I CAN do, that even through challenges, it is still "I CAN". It's hard to include the "can" word. Because in actuality, i feel as if i CAN... NOT! By placing a "can" into that line, i notice a pulling out of myself from a negative mental and attitudinal rut.

- I THANK GOD THAT i am NOT in Australia!!! If i don't have my immediate social support, i think i would really burn out prematurely. Imagine having to live in a whole new environment, new culture, with new people (i'm generally shy), plus having the pressure (and not pleasure) of NEW WORKLOAD in a short span of time. Oh my goodness. I think i would be crying everday.

- When people ask me, "So how's school?", with bright eagerness in their eyes, i just smile a really weird smile, which is quickly followed by a grimace, and then a long whine, and then a groan and then... silence. It basically means that i am at a lost for words. My thoughts and emotions are still reeling from shock and flying around above my head. I've yet to bring them all down to a logical and rational order to cope and make sense of eveything. So... Please bear with me?

- With a busy schedule, i now realize with all seriousness... That EVERY minute in the day counts.

- Because the rest are all adults who have been in the working world for quite a while, i think i sense some level of guardedness about them. I get this sense that it's currently "my own survival is important". Probably stems from their experiences of working with people. Sigh. I want to make good friends. Lets see how it goes.

- And last of all and most interestingly... A quiet voice has been saying to me... (me no have schizophrenia, ok) + (And it took me mildly by surprise):

"Love. Do all that you do with love. Look at your classmates with love, love your classmates through your behaviour, how you treat them, let love show through your actions. Don't be sucked up by the competition, but instead let your behaviour be governed by moving in an opposite spirit. Don't be intimidated. Love is what this is all about. Counselling is about love. So, love."

It can only be my Heavenly Father speaking. God is love, and only His voice would speak out to me to love others, against my own ugly human nature that complains, judges and hates.

(Wow. People say to me that God speaks to them here and there, on the bus, while walking and so forth. I always thought to myself in response that "Nah, God wouldn't speak to me (because i chose to believe that i am not important enough). He never does. Let alone as i go along my daily life". But HAH. Look what happened. Time to change mindset! Hope this is encouraging to you.)

(I guess, it's also about whether we are willing to listen, or, be still and quiet enough to listen.)


Refreshing reflection! Now, back to planning out my work schedule with Jesus. :-)

Monday, August 04, 2008

my first tag (methinks)

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

Woah. Eh, I champion doing not-so-nice things to men who do this kind of thing to women you know! I have my stash of torture instruments. So. Now. What do you think MY reaction will be.....? *evil laughter*

#2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

To have my family (dogs included) live forever healthily as my family (in Heaven, as in on Earth).

#3. What will your dream wedding to be like?

OH. It will be by the sea, under the blue/sunset sky and then we'll have the wedding dinner under the star lit sky with a live band playing softly in the background, surrounded by candle lit lamps. Dogs (and other reasonable pets) are allowed (in my dream wedding, animals don't and can't pee or poo).

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

A little. No wait, make that a lot... But i'm trusting that God has told me to forge on ahead in confidence. But i am freaking out!

#5. What’s your ideal lover like?

Er. No ideal la, cos can have many permutations.

#6. Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?

Er.... Lets be open and honest. BEING LOVED! :-DDDDDD

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

Hm. Usually, i wait for that person to come to me. Heh.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Haiya. Try to chuck my feelings aside and move on to like a few other people too. Heh.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

PMS. And inconsiderate people.

#10. Is being tagged fun?

Sort of! :-D

#11. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Well... This is what i would wish to see for myself: Living decently with hubby with 2 or 3 healthy children. Being content with my job and living a full Christian life.

#12. Who are currently the most important people to you?

Fambly (dog included). Significant Other. My close JC friends. My church mates.

#13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?

A surprising personality. :-)

#14. Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?

Married (hopefully to someone who is worth being married to and being poor with!) but poor. I think that relationships with people are what keeps us sane and blessed. Not money.

#15. What’s the first thing you do every morning?

Drinking down my "toilet milo" (the hot milo that makes me wanna run to the loo! :-D)

#16. Would you give all in a relationship?

I haven't discovered what "all" means yet, for me personally at least.

#17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?

Hm... How to love more than one person ah? Admire can lah, but love? Ok for answers sake, i would pick the one who i feel more comfortable with and the one who truly loves me for better or for worse.

#18. What type of friends do you like?

The kind who share the same frequency with me, those who reciprocate my investment of time and care.

#19. What type of friends do you dislike?

Inconsiderate, ungrateful and insincere people.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Yes, i've been MIA-ing for a bit, catching up with people and such amongst other things.

- Went for a christian counselling conference and who should i bump into and unwittingly sat next to (with 2-3 empty seats between us) during the worship session? The ex's father! OMG. I've not seen him since March 2002. I wouldn't voluntarily say hello to him unless i knew... ... ... Hm, never mind. The break up 6 years ago wasn't pretty. Other than that, i gained some valuable information about counselling and psychology from the speakers and i have my YGOS supervisor to thank for that.

- Been going a bit crazy over chai tea latte recently. I even bought nice drinking glasses from IKEA for the times that i want to indulge in ice chai tea latte.

- There was one day when the train was so full in the morning that i found myself in a very unglam position: stuck like a freaking lizard against the MRT door, palms spread out on the glass and all.

- Had my orientation at NIE today. Goodness. My masters class has only 14-17 students, all of whom are older than me i assume. Except for 3 young men, who look like they are either my age or in their late 20s or early 30s. 1 of them is actually a fellow graduate from UniSIM. :-) After the talk by the programme coordinator, he and i looked at one another and i exclaimed: "HEY! You look REALLY familiar!" and he replied, "Yeah, i was going to ask you that! You're from OU (Open University) right?" Nice to see a familiar face. And i have my NTU STUDENT CARD!!!! Awesome! I also discovered that while bus 199 takes a lot longer to reach Canteen A/Library, it takes a nice quiet looking route when coming in from another entrance of NTU. Lots of greenery, melikes.

- I signed up for the 10km Standard Chartered run. I decided that 4 months was far too late to train and compete safely in a full marathon.

- I love vanilla yoghurt.

- I've been tagged to do something... coming right up!