Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Feeling: a little depressed, for the inevitable end is near. (updated)

The air feels different, the atmosphere (not weather-wise) feels different, the mood that surrounds me is different.
It is the end of the year. It has arrived. It hardly feels it's time for december.

And although the end of it doesn't exactly hold much significance because this year wasn't particularly special, i still feel depressed over it.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. This year has definitely brought to light some rather interesting/special episodes.
The one thing that would add THEE strong value to it, is if i had to leave some wonderful people behind, because of the passing of a year/academic final year.
Which in this case, does not exist.

Emo Jo? Yuh. Perhaps.

Something just seems to be pulling at tugging at my heart. WHY?!??!
What is it, Heart? You got yourself a problem?
Or is there some sort of unfinished business that i've not dealt with?
Is there something i've been shoving away and not solving?

Perhaps it's just Emo Jo.

Oh Lord... In times like these, when i find no rest in myself or with myself, i can come to You in utmost helplessness, vulnerable all over.
You would take me in, in no matter what shape and state i am in.
When no one can give or offer, or are not in a position to soothe this intangible ache, i have my Lord God who understands me.

The end gives way to a new beginning. It's an endless cycle till the day we die.
Unless everyday is the same and the passing of years mean nothing to you.

*** ***

I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.

I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.

Gone, *poof!*, are the days of legitimate abhorrence of your parents and EVERYTHING, EVERYONE else.
Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)

No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.

Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to small gatherings to a family affair, to... a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories, on that special day.

Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?

Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*

Looking through photos of your birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember.
You see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture.

Sad, i say.

Moral of the story?

- Don’t take pictures with your current partner on your 21st? Er. Quite impossible and stewpid right.

- Always take plenty of photos with OTHER people so that pictures of you and your partner are dispensable (in an event of a real break-up)? Eh... *rolls eyes*

- Uhm, how about just getting over the fella and rejoicing in the glory of being 21st. If there is any glory to be considered. Whatever suits your fancy. *shrugs*

No, i am NOT moping!
Just a thought that came in.

*** ***

A little testimony.

One night, i tossed in bed and my leg did this little insignificant twist and suddenly, this sharp pain shot up from my left foot and even up my calve.
It felt like something had been displaced within the foot itself and had elongated effects that led up my calve in a thin straight piercing line... the pain felt embedded under the muscles.
And the pain wasn’t something that could go away with massaging.

I was so freaked and kept my foot as still as possible but realized it was getting tiring holding it tense.
Thoughts that ran through my mind were:
How am i going to walk tomorrow morning? (well, today technically)

So, half asleep as i was, i decided to sit up in bed, lay my hand on my leg and pray.

After praying and trusting God for His healing, i decided to stretch out my leg and foot straight out. Not sure what made me do that despite the pain.
Lo and Behold. The pain disappeared into nothingness.


Till Then.
*i think photos are needed here soon. I shall upload some!*

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