Wednesday, August 31, 2005

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I received these smses from a friend from my keyboard class (it's been some time ago and they still sit in my inbox), and i thought i'd share them because they're really meaningful:

First one:
Only God, can turn
a mess... Into a message
a test... Into a testimony
a trial... Into a triumph
a victim... Into a victor

Second one: (she sent me this during Easter and i just loved the simple phrases that yet meant so much because it just captures the very essence of who Jesus is in just 3 short sentences)

His Destiny was the CROSS,
His Purpose was LOVE,
His Reason was YOU.

*** ***


Some time ago, i think, last year, i decided that i wanted to try/re-learn blading. Since my family would go to Pasir Ris some certain sundays and since the blades in the home needed to be taken out for a whirl, dad and my sis became my blading coaches at the same time. I was never any good on blades because my sense of balance on just, two rows of straight lined wheels, was pretty poor. I had no confidence on ground that wasn't completely flat too.

But strangely, before the day we adjourned to said park, i had a dream that night, that i was blading with NO difficulty whatsoever. My balance was perfect, there was confidence in my rhythm and gliding, and what a joke! I could even do tricks while on them blades.
I could actually FEEL very tangibly the emotions going through me as i moved with the sense of smoothness and perfection in balance in the motion.

(sunday morning)

*clicked on dad's blades and stood up shakily like a newborn calf*
*Thanks lucky stars that there was a little area of flat ground on an otherwise hilly-ish park*

Ok, for the most part of the beginning, i was trying to blade based on previous knowledge and also on the physics of what was happening there and then and so was trying to figure out how not to topple over. Altogether, it was ungainly though i was moving.

And then i remembered my dream and for some reason, i decided to tap into that dream, tapping into that really vivid and fluid sense of ease in the motion and tried to recreate that confidence. And before long, i actually felt my feet obey me, and i found myself moving, gliding like how i was SUPPOSE to.

I was REALLY surprised at what was possible! I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of bringing an unreality into reality and seeing it work for you. Bringing the (un?)consciousness into consciousness.

So, the next time someone says to you: IN YOUR DREAMS AH!

They might not be too far wrong, eh?


Oooo... So maybe, just maybe... .. My dreams of owning that soprano saxophone was actually my inner fortune teller speaking?
(please please please please please!!!)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Take up space oni

I just discovered that people with no photo editing skills whatsoever can fiddle around with peekchores too. Just by making some ready made program do the work. All i need to do is simply click, click, click. Yeayyy.


I am having so much fun that i'm not done with some shots so... these're here to just share stuff i've come across.

Close up of this plant that i find rather unnerving, as you shall see below. It looks like it is diseased or something. But the outgrowths are just simply more leaf buds. Whatever you call 'em.

Eeew. :-S

My baby.

I sneaked up on him to take photos. Thank goodness he's not a grumpy dog that snaps when disturbed.

Took this one when i realised that the way his ear met his paw in the original photo's angle looked like a dog head already, so well... i couldn't help my itchy fingers.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Self Talk

Stolen Ideas:
I lower my brows and grit my mental teeth when people snitch my original ideas and pass it off as their own. Pooh. Thing is, it's inevitable and naturally occurring. But don't you feel as if you were being done an injustice? Part of your creativity stolen from you, like your "copyrighted" ideas were er... raped.

So i think of it this way: They liked it, so be flattered. And it's just too bad and your bad luck that they cannot attach citations, so live with it. (but at least give verbal credit lah!)

Well unless the person who used the idea isn't someone that you think has a very good sense of humour (in a personal case). Then unfortunately, that ain't no compliment, sadly.

How and When do you say...
We were just talking about how often those sacred 3 worded phrasES must be spoken to a significant other. It should be enough, so that each of person gets a pleasureable warm buzzy smiley feeling every time (most ideally), and should not be said too often that it becomes as cliche as "what's for dinner"?

I can only say that, satisfying someone comes with the deep understanding of the other. You'll be able to sense the right time and moment and feel the need of the other person to be loved and affirmed.

Even with a fast thumping heart, the words at the tip of your tongue, the moment hanging in a void in time and space, when everything else seems to go slow-mo and there's the fear pulsing through you that at any second the moment would simply fizzle into nothingness and then, drat!There went your chance to say those heartfelt words.

Sometimes you just don't because it's just not in your character to display such acts of affection even though your imagination/wilder party animal side says you can. Other times, it puts you in such a vulnerable position that you feel that you just can't allow yourself to be looked over, cross examined, prodded about, grinned at, like the bug in a box.

You better tell her pronto before...
Yes, we all like being complimented especially when the other person does it voluntarily, out of the blue, and without being asked to, directly or indirectly.

Eg. Dear, am i smart?/am i pretty?/do i have a good sense of fashion?/do i have a great smile?/Do i look fat?/Am i fat?/How much do you love me?/Would you do anything for me?/Am i childish?, etc.

XX: Wow! You look really good!
XY: You look good too. (must say mah, to equal out the score)

The men obviously CANNOT run away from these questions once they're asked. So, you'd better go and tell her how beautiful/smart/blah blah... she is, so that she doesn't have a reason to suddenly corner you, pin you down and make you squeak out an answer and risk being misunderstood if you so much as hesitate even for a second before answering.

Whether or not you tell her now or later during interrogation, Do i even need to mention that you have to mean it?

Ah, but then: But how leh if I want to tell the truth which is unfavourable to her?
Then I tell you: Tact, tact, tact... And lots of love love love...

As for the woman? Be mature about it lah. He love and accept you as you are, very good already leh.

Then again, i wonder how many words a man would speak if they (hypothetically) only speak what they mean.

(ooooh, a mean girl, you are, Jo!)

Married life:
There's this saying that goes something like: The transition into a married life shouldn't be all that different from when you were in a relationship. It shouldn't shock you, and leave you in a position where you feel as if everything feels alien.

In a way, it's true because after all, being together for a while, you would pretty much know your partner's quirks and habits, how to make rational decisions together, blah blah, the works. Ok, i am NOT an expert on this.

Sure, with marriage comes its challenges and new (and scary) situations where spouse and you have to deal with.
But you do get where the saying is coming from, don't you?

I suppose it's referring to, when a couple marries, it happens as if it was suppose to happen at the end. And when it does, it's comes with such a natural flow, that when the couple eases into married life, it's just a beautiful extension of more to come, in couplehood.

A far too romanticized version of married life? Perhaps. What do i know eh? I'm just two decades old, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Vainpot Speaking:
Speaking of bushy tails. I think i am going come up with an entry where i will take a mug shot of myself with my current hairdo and use some VERY rudimentary editing, to experiment with other hairdos.

Hoo hoo hoo. How bo liao and i think it's going to be either a disaster or i might think the better of it and just not risk putting up pictures of myself. I risk being sued for visual assault, you know?

Itchy Hands:
I love weapons. Yum. I see a weapon even in a huge melon. Yep, i'm talking about that Hami Melon...

In other News...
Meeting up with my good ole' JC mates later today. Ooohh, i cannot wait. Pizza, talkrot, girl talk (for a guy, P's always a good sport when it comes to such things) and other matters.

This is bad. I am stuffing myself with ice cream to keep awake (oh how convenient an excuse to go full steam at my favourite brand of ice cream!) while typing out an essay. The ice cream parlour at my place sells freshly made stuff and it's got me addicted since the first day it touched my taste buds.
Ever heard of "Earl Grey Tea" ice cream? No? Well, it's because these guys are creative with the stuff they make.


I shall introduce my pals to my new found love. Yay!


Gosh. I'm wondering if it's normal to spend 10 hours with someone and not get sick of the person, and talk for 5 to 7 hours without tiring on certain days, and on every other day almost consecutively, we talk for at least 2-3 hours.
And on my side, it never once feels like it's a chore. (Dunno about the other party though.)

If it sounds a little absurd, then this is a very gooood sign.

Friday, August 26, 2005

*slitted eyed stare*

Ok, ever since yesterday, there's been this person who has been dropping bead-like or stone-like objects on the floor CONSTANTLY. And this person lives above me and apparently, seems to be doing this repeatedly, and directly above my room, above my study area.

It's annoying the hair off me because it goes:

(person drops object)

Tock.... tock..... tock.... tock... tock... tock.. tock..tock..tock. tock.tock.tock.tock.tock.tocktocktocktocktocktocktocktocktock

(you can imagine that right? the sound increases its frequency as the objects bounces closer to the ground before stopping entirely)

and then repeats all over again.

And after which, the person now and then adds a second object, so its double the tock-tock-ing.
It's been two days already.

My mom said (in mock seriousness of course, because she's more civilized than i am):
"Eh? Then why you never go and take something (indicates the likeness of a broom with her hand gestures) and poke poke poke them back?"

(in English, that translates to: Why didn't you take a broom/pole and lift it to the ceiling of your room and make a din back at them as well?)

Like i said, she was just kidding, because she is a civilized human being. For now, the person has ceased the annoying activity. Hope it stays this way.

*** ***

Now, when was the last time i felt both this happy and wretched at the same time?

I feel silly for exclaiming so loudly yesterday, but hey, i couldn't curb my happiness. ;-D

Want to get an insight into the Man/Woman's world? Please read Marilyn's 23rd August (Tue) post.
The Man's portion sounds like something i read off MSN, but the Women's portion written by Mari herself, is for the most part, pretty true. Melikes Mari's writing, thumbs up from mua!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I hate Wrigglys

Today, mommy decided that she would fry us some keropok ("koprok" as dad once mistakenly pronounced it as. I laughed myself silly because it sounded so alienly funny.).

After she did the frying, being the neataholic of the home, she decided to open up and probably had in mind to clean out one of the many metal tins we had stashed at the back kitchen. (inside contained uncooked keropok)

Lo and behold, when she opened the metal tin's circular cover, according to her:
"A MOTH flew out!"

Think about a moth flying out into your face as you open up a tin not really expecting to have anything LIVING in that tin to begin with. *gag*

Now, i didn't see this happening but i was apparently told this when she walked out from the back kitchen to the sink where i was and held in her arms was that disgusting moth-housing tin, with the lid off. As she spoke, she drew out one dried piece of was-keropok.

"YAAAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! There must've been worms in there and when they matured, they flew out when you opened the tin!"
Smarty Pants Jo exclaimed in both fascination and horror.

And with that, she tilted the was-keropok-now-feeding-larvae(maggots?)-piece-of-***p in my direction such that my vision was given the honour of being transfixed upon that wriggly, juicy, white entity with a black spot on each end for a head and butt.

Smarty Pants Jo was now reduced to Screamy Jo.
I screamed/yelled bl**dy murder as mom shut the tin and prepared to throw it down the chute. But no... Horrified as i was, fascination took over me and i decided that i WANTED to see the rest of the maggot family.

Thinking that i was going to be safely staring into the tin without having contact with those disgusting creatures, i took a tablespoon and reopened the tin.

And once more, my vision was greeted by another juicy white wriggly crawling along the side of the tin's interior. Needless to say, i was jumping up and down and yelling in excited disgust and flinging my arms about as if the worms had gotten onto my skin.

Steeling myself, I leaned over the opening of the tin to get a glimpse of the rest of the family... But promptly jumped backwards again because i promise, i SAW A FREAKING FLYING THINGY hop up and down and back into the tin again.

I am SO NOT going to breathe in wormy carbon dioxide saturated air and have flying creatures zoom up my nostrils.

Having screamed enough and having had my adrenaline fix (cheap thrill, huh?) for the day, i prepared to hammer the lid back onto the tin. Holding the lid aloft preparing to shut it for good, i turned to the tin once again only to find that centimetres away from the opening, a wriggly had managed to crawl out.


Gingerly handling the lid with my arms held out far from me, i covered the tin back and with great awkwardness, managed to wrap the relatively large tin within a plastic bag before tossing it down the chute.

*shudder* Worms, caterpillars and snails bring out Screamy Me. *shudder*

Monday, August 22, 2005

You can lie to everyone with slick words, with well churned out phrases, with even something that sounds well meaning.

You can lie to yourself even. Pushing the matter to the back of your mind with a rationalization that you know isn't true at all. But you think that it is enough to satisfy that nagging lie, just so that you can escape and not think about it anymore.
Well, that's until the next time round when your conscience decides to play guilt trip.

But i tell you, you can never lie to God. You cannot hide from Him. He is light and darkness has no place in the light. If you live in darkness, then... well, no prizes for guessing where you stand.

He knew you ever since you were being formed cell by cell, and He knows you better than you know yourself.

*** ***

"She had been hurt by both Christians and non Christians...

And then you just don't have anything left to say when she tells you that, because you can't apologize for what other Christians have done."

This was something a church mate said that struck a chord in me.

Everyone makes mistakes. Christians and non-Christians alike.

To the public eye, Christians are suppose to be "like Christ" in character. Therefore when we make mistakes, the label of "Christian" becomes tarnished and sometimes to the point that it obscures the person him/herself, as the mistake maker.
And people therefore think that we're (Christians) hypocrites, because we have failed to be gentle and kind and loving, etc.

There's little that we can do to change the mindset of the myriads of people who see us this way, so if you cannot beat it, then work by/with it.

It is not my desire to see people turned off because of what we do and say. We need to be careful and yes, follow the example that Christ has been to us.

We need to honestly look at ourselves and be objective about our strengths and flaws. Since we can be our own worst critic sometimes, why not make good use of it now.

What have people around us said to us about ourselves? Their honest feedback that you thought was utter rubbish or unfounded.
Have you noticed a repeating problem trend in your communications with others?
Do you notice how some people react to the things you say or do?

True, at times, people do diss us off with their honestly unreasonable or insensitive responses.

But sometimes, it's not about the other person. We sometimes think: It's their fault, and not mine.
But really, sometimes, the problem lies with ourselves. And we need to admit that.

Let our words and actions be edifying and kind.
Let our words and actions build each other up, and let them NOT be tools that tear us down to cause rifts, discord and resentment.

We're the ones going forth to others to share Christ's love. Let us be honest and strive towards changing the areas of ourselves that cause hurt to others. What good would it do if we continue in our own abhorrent ways and portray these ways to the very people we want to reach out to?

It is entirely counter-productive. Agreed?

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I miss archery. My bow sits against the wall at the side of my room, just waiting for its mistress to take it out for a field trip.

Patience, my dear... You and i will go inhabit the outdoor range when the holidays roll over... When the national team leaves for the SEA Games, ah, then we shall have a good time, you and i.

I miss the drawing, the aiming and the power of the release and seeing my arrow land on the target with a... a... Hm, i've forgotten the sound already. ACK! I miss shooting.

Ah, patience.

*** ***

I am a walking concoction of emotions, and well, i gotta say they're all balancing themselves out.

I haven't much to blog really. Perhaps it's because i am happy. And being happy kind of erases the turmoil of thoughts and the processes themselves, so yeah. Here i am, talking about zilch, nada, null.

Was thinking of posting up a photo post, but again and again, i am reminded that i haven't gone on a photo trip yet. Think i will bring the camera along with me the next time i go out, just so that i can catch whatever that in turn catches my eye.

Wish i could shrink cumbersome items into Mini Me sizes and put them into a little pouch bag of sorts. Each time i need to use any one of them, all i'll have to do is pick it out, blow on it or something, then it's expand to its normal size, so that i can use it.

Things to do after the exams:

- go to the BEACH.
- Watch sunsets/sunrises.
- go on photo trips. (which includes exploring Singapore)
- get work.
- go to the zoo.
(hey! maybe, i should get work at the zoo, if they, er, want me. I have experience picking up poop everyday! Or maybe i'll work at the souvenir shop or something where i think they sell items at rip off prices...)
- shop.
- Do all the routine exercise stuff i've been deprived of. I hate running but i miss it. (told you that i am mad) And hit the gym and pool!

(more later)

This list is here so that if i ever so much as utter that i have nothing to do, well, here's the pre-exam post-exam to-do list.

Trying to get into the rhythm of sleeping normally these days, which shouldn't be all that hard since i like to sleep.
Arrr, my eyes have been taking such a beating they don't deserve this year.

This is such a rubbishy, zero post. But it's going up anyway.

Oh and YEAAHHHH...
SPS!!! *muaaaakkk!*

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Yesterday was a day of celebration... Because there was a glorious salvation! <--go see!

Now i understand what and how it feels like when you see a soul come to Christ, when you know for a fact that when someone chooses to walk with Christ, you know that Satan has no more hold on one more soul.

Did you know that when a soul comes to Christ, all the Heavens rejoice?

And oh, how we all rejoice along TOO!

An excerpt of a song that touched me some years ago:

"And you loved me, before I knew you
And you knew me for all time
I've been created in your image
Oh Lord

And you bought me and sought me
Your blood poured out for me
A new creation in your image oh Lord
You rescued me, you rescued me."

Monday, August 15, 2005

Boring talk of hair and non existent fashion.

Everytime i come to my page and see the same old post, i cringe because it's so stale. Ack. Here's a bimbotic post that was drafted in June.
Read only if you want your IQ to drop drastically below 100.

*** ***

My hair's a wild bush, safe for birds, including pelicans, to nestle in. I've always wanted to try straightening it or curling it, but you know, i'm quite a chicken when it comes to these things so i end up sticking to my natural waves.

Which in the end, i find that it's gotta be one of the most unique styles to have today, because like i said in a past post... How come suddenly all these chinese women sprout such exotic curly (or stick straight) hair?
It's gorgeous, but not to mention fake and not lasting anyway.

Ah but well, who wouldn't be up for a nice change anyway right? Nothing wrong with doing something new to your looks. As long as you don't get obsessed such that you cannot see yourself in any other hairdo but the artificial one.

I know of people who cannot revert back to their natural hair style because it'll clash with what they've got now. So, how? Keep rebonding lor. And mind you, it costs money. Care to continue rebonding for life? Hm.
If you're loaded then fine, but don't start crying and regretting when you find that your hair drops and all that jazz when you get older.

O.o Did i just say that?
The last time i checked, i was found to be just 2 decades old.

Anyway, it's not been too long ago that i've snipped off my final dyed bits of hair.
But i am so going to dye it again after my exams. Ok, only if i have enough dough.

Oh and did you know, that I am a closet "Wear-Your-Fashion-Loud-and-Proud" type. Heh heh. Betcha didn't guess right? Yeah, all my berms and boring repeated tops didn't give that away now, did they.

The Sims i created (you know, The Sims 2?) are the images of what i want to really look like, but if only i could summon the courage to. My created female character, Mikal Wolfe, has a uber cool mohawk, green eyes and wears dark lipstick and goes around clad in her sporty attire.
Hiak hiak.

But back to reality. I have neither time, money, the attention span nor that unexplainable enthusiastic female energy to *keep* "looking stereotypically attractive".

As i have said, I am the Epitome of Female Laziness. Ok, not that i go around willfully trying to emulate Chewbakka from Star Wars (but i am not far from that on any normal day).
I just make do with what i have and i don't try too hard to go out of my way to get "a certain look".

Besides, i believe in comfort in dressing. For example, wearing heels does not look comfortable nor has it ever gotten shining track records for doing your feet any wonders either.

Sure, the heels might accentuate the calve muscles and make you feel like a million bucks strutting around in it. Think i'll save that heel moment for strange vain occasions or for dinners, when i don't have to walk around a lot and can still feel like a million bucks when... I get up to go to the loo?

Now that i've come to think of it... I realize that each time i do bother to dress up a little (ok, the word is: When i do wear something That's-Actually-In-Fashion because i always wear stuff that's, er, from many seasons ago), i get people looking at me and i squirm uncomfortably inside.
I know that i haven't grown a second head but i keep wondering whether i'm missing something, or whether i'm wearing something inside out, or whether i remembered to zip my fly.

See? That shows how often i go around looking like a So-Chai (i quote my dear D), such that no one looks at me. Muah ha la. :-D

*** ***

For something entirely unrelated:
I want to go to Mustafa to get toiletries, which is something i've never done before.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Do my 2 mistakes (or maybe in your psychologically sanctified and baptized eyes my mistakes are on par with moral crimes), warrant such a punishment? To get 2 whole grades down, to almost a near FAIL?

You yourself made no small amount of positive feedback and even agree on the big improvement, and this is what I get? For all my freaking effort?

Do you think it's easy to sit back and tell myself that it's all right?
Do you think it's easy to keep such effort up when you keep shooting me down again and again, and what with your acerbic words as well?

You don't know anything about what's been going on behind the scenes so don't you even dare assume your way through and simply put people down face flat in the mud.

And we're your STUDENTS, for GOODNESS SAKE.

This isn't the first time.

I cannot wait to get out of your class. Good riddance.

You're so sadistic, i could almost love you.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I feel like...

Tearing my hair out, then drilling an opening around my skull, flipping it open, pointing a stun gun at my brain, pressing the zap button a few times, smile a toothy smile, putting the stun gun down, taking out my brain, looking at it, giving it a few hard knocks on the table (it's ok if it squishes a little), playing basketball with the brain (it's ok if it mashes up a little), then plopping it back into half opened skull, zapping it a few more times with the stun gun, closing back the skull lid and sewing back the skin of my head.

I want to...

Have a button appear in front of me, or an arm of someone, preferably something press-able.
So that i can poke at it constantly with my index finger. As you can speculate, i'm feeling tremendously restless at the moment.

I need to...

Run into open arms right now and receive a huge, warm, tight hug. I am not usually open to hugs so this is definitely exceptionally queer.

Maybe i should just...

Go and run to expend this energy and to clear my mind.

I am ok, really.

I just want/NEEEED to get down to studying for my end year exams. But i cannot do that with more assignments coming up and giving me an amoeba sized amount of time to study.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

One of the reasons why my past relationship messed up big time was because of immaturity and another was because man, i delved in too deep with the questions.

After reading a number of her posts, i see that common trait we share... And that is, Jealousy.

Well, because i don't want to cut and paste and well, get horribly flamed for plagiarism, here's Finicky Feline's Post on Ex-Girlfriends.
(oh, if she updated her blog, then just look for the post entitled "Ex-girlfriends", which shouldn't be too far down.)

I know i stand by the truth and nothing else ever appeases the heart and mind, but truth. So, while she says that guys should just say those pleasing words despite how he really feels...
That's where i don't quite agree.

- Because i admit to be the jealous sort... I would still love to get those *ahem* recommended answers from the future dude if those questions ever leave my mouth...

- Honestly? I was inwardly CHEERING her on as the words rolled on by. Guys, you don't know what kind of dynamite lies under our feminine exterior!!! *ROARR!!!* *unsheathes sharpened claws*


He shouldn't say those things just so that he can be let off the hook, but the basis on which those replies stem from should really be because he has REALLY dealt with ALL the skeletons in the closet
So that when he finally answers...

He can, YES, freely give me that big fat answer (i quote from her) "YOU, OF COURSE." and "NO" (with respect to the questions), with all the confidence, assurance and honesty, with no hint of the fishy and stale secrets still stashed and left behind somewhere.

*** ***

Realistically speaking, is it ever possible to fully get over someone you've loved before, given that the break up wasn't a "if i don't leave you now, i'm so going to murder you" type.

Perhaps i am selfish and still immature...?
Or maybe i'm the type who just needs a lot of emotional support and assurance. I, for one, know that i am no bundle of steel nerves when it comes to matters of the heart.

But the most realistic scenario that my tendency-to-jealousy-heart can allow, is that...
It's ok to keep memories of the ex, but it's NOT ok to keep the ex in the heart.

Look, if you're truly in love with someone else, i don't see why the ex should linger around in the heart. It's definitely not a good sign and that alone has implications.

And if there're still issues unsolved, please don't go and break someone else's heart by clinging onto the relationship but harbouring all the things from the past.
You ought to be shot if you do that.

This world has enough pain festering all around already.

*** ***

Funny how girls can get sooo riled up about the other girl, in cases where they don't even know each other.

(girlfriends disliking ex-girlfriends and vice versa)

I don't want to sound self-righteous but frankly, ever since getting over history, i've kept telling myself that if i ever get to meet the ex's girlfriend, i shall die-die be nice to her and die-die be happy for him. It's probably going to be a teeth gnashing effort but hey, that's how i think it should be.

*** ***

By the way, i am *raising my eyebrow* over this oddness of receiving Birthday wishes that're meant for the country.
Eg. Happy National Day to you!

Okok, i know, we're all in this nation together, and we're all contributing in some way, so by right, we all are part of this birthday celebration.
(as the sissy says: Well, you could think of it as, why people wish each other "Merry Christmas".)

Ok... Imagine though, your friends coming up to your mom and dad and saying: "Happy Birthday!"
On YOUR birthday.

*hmm...* Is there something wrong with that analogy? Sounds a little strange.
Hah, me's never good at analogies.
Never seek just the gifts, for gifts can only satisfy us to some degree. And the effect we get from gifts can be temporary, making us happy but only for a while before they become tiresome or lose its novelty.

Gifts are given, and by the same token, they can be taken away.
But the worse thing is, that the gifts can cloud the true reason why the gifts were given in the first place.

And i've been guilty of this, being satisfied IN the gifts that i've been blessed with. I allowed the gifts to obscure my vision, been so involved in enjoying the gifts that my line of sight deviated from the Giver.

I've come to realize how meaningless it is to take and receive without continuing close ties with God.
Sure, the gifts are wonderful. But what is more wonderful is the Giver and everything that He stands for.

Speaking from my own experience, i wish to truly say that when the focus revolves around the gifts, a feeling of emptiness pervades.

*** ***

With a double clang as the key was turned, the gate opened and soon after, the heavy wooden door swung open to reveal and frame a tired Daddy who had just returned home from an overseas trip.

"Hi Everyone!"

Dad stepped into the living room, and unloaded his shoulders and hands from the cumbersome luggage before turning back around to lock the door.
Despite his tiredness, his eyes had lit up when he saw his family safe and sound at home, going about their usual business.

"Hey, dad's home!"

His two daughters, upon hearing the door open and dad's voice, stopped what they were doing and dashed to the front door to see daddy and... What goodies daddy might've bought back from Japan for them.

"See what i've got for you? It's all in the bag." He said, as he takes off his shoes and socks and points to the navy blue bag that sat next to his luggage.

In a blink of an eye, his two beloved children, the two gems in his life, whom he had lovingly thought of while he was away, made a beeline for the bag. And in a jiffy, with bright eyes fixed upon the goody bag and with great excitement, they took off to one bedroom to divide the stash among themselves.

Dad looked on, as they disappeared around the corner, with love in his eyes and heart, but yet with sadness too. He knew that his children were just behaving as children would.
Caring for themselves, seeing just the gifts and overlooking the love and intentions behind the gift giving.

"One day, they'll come to see. One day, they'll come to understand."
He thinks. And he hopes.

*** ***

Instead of being won over by the blessings, count them. Count your blessings and gifts, appreciate them and turn to the Giver with a heart of thanks and gratitude.

Instead of letting these gifts burn the connecting ties, let these gifts draw one closer to the Giver.

Let the gifts be a reminder of the Giver's love and faithfulness and remind us of who we really should be searching for.

*** ***

Thank you...

For that chance to flourish some 40 years ago.
For freedom of worship.
For freedom from poverty.
For a good, clean government.
For compulsory education.
For a safe environment.
For good ties with other countries.

What else can we be thankful for?

Happy Birthday Singapore.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

*looks around*
Ah... Haven't blogged in... 3 days? I know that isn't a lot, but even i get bored with seeing my own previous post sitting there staring back at me.
Oh, i do love comments and so, a big thank you to the readers who have been so nice as to liven up this blog with your opinions and experiences.
*Hooray to you from mua!*

*** ***

I just don't know what to do with myself!

I am... frustrated, happy, dreamy, procrastinating, tired, energetic, lazy, panicking, hopeful, waiting, disappointed, seeking, shoving away sad thoughts... What else?
I'm a whole jumble of states of mind and body.

And it's causing this gloomy cloud to hang over me. But, no matter. I shall proclaim myself mentally sound to deal with all of these little bug bears.

*** ***

Had a little chat session with my worship leader/pastor today, and i've got to say that she's so down to Earth, so tactful, so lovable and loving, so intelligent, and so unpretentious. Gotta love her!

All seems to be looking good with respect to my route in the music ministry. Though i think i won't yet state the options that are being proposed because it's not been solidified yet. That said, i'd have to concede that the currently presented options are looking pretty good.

YAY! I will finally be moving forward in the worship ministry in a way which, at the moment, seems to be the best way to express my worship and service unto the Lord.

Have always wanted to do something worth the while, to honour God with what i've been blessed with. I never really made a move about it because i either never felt part of the church community to go forward to serve, or because i was just stubborn.

All that changed when i joined my current cell group (you guys are the best!) and somehow, with a little encouragement and persuasion, with prayer and consideration, i decided to take the plunge. And so here i am, starting out on a new route in my life, in addition to the ones i'm already walking on.

Till the time when God calls me to serve in another area, if ever, music ministry it shall be.
I think i'm really going to love doing my part to serve. Ladeeda...!

In all my 2 decades of existence, i've never played in bands, other than the conductor-stand-in-front type of band. But now, i'm going to be playing with a drummer, electric guitarists and vocalists.

How new! How exciting! How dynamic! How... Odd!

But i think i'm going to enjoy this. Hooray! Woodlee doo!

*** ***

Will update when/if i can. Strange feeling of having loads in life to talk about, but also, having so few words to tell the world.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Wa Raow...

I've been having dreams (yes, the dreams-that-occur-during-sleep kind) about me owning my own soprano saxophone and being one happy camper.
See what happens when you allow Jo to sample-play a soprano saxophone for only a few seconds?!

Having me OWN soprano saxophone?

IN MY DREAMS AH! (literally... *wistful sigh while plonking chin on upturned palm*)

Yes. In my waking hours, at the back of my mind, i've been savouring (replaying) its unique sound, the controlling of the embouchure so as not to "squeak!", its smooth polished body, and golden sheen...
Perfectly enthralling.

It's been going on for days, and it doesn't help that a spiffy looking saxophone catalogue sits very strategically on my table such that i'll see it when i walk into my room.

As much as they say that the student's life is said to be the best and most enjoyable part of life, i am, too, looking forwad to the day when i can really earn and be responsible for my own cash.
How i will need to learn to budget, invest, save and spend responsibly.

Hopefully, when the finances allow and if it's appropriate, i will one day be able to save up enough to get that dream wind instrument. (Oh, and i am still hoping to get a digital piano too.)

I miss playing that saxy thang.

I think i shall do a line up of all the musical instruments in the house and post a picture, just for fun. :-)

Back in primary school, i was assigned to play the ugliest biggest instrument around in the concert band (not including the percussion instruments) and that was the tuba.
But i was secretly infatuated with the flute.

The tuba was large, cumbersome and so very unglam, i thought, at that time. I was always dreaming of playing the flute, and i always thought with envy about how they always get to play the melodies of all the songs.
I even went so far as to think that those instruments that got to play along with the flutes during the more transparent portions of a song was PRIVILEGED and held in high regard!

What a silly poot i was.

Then came a time when i couldn't take it anymore and i wasn't very happy in the band and so i brought it up with the teacher in charge. She was really nice about it, but sadly, i was told that if i were to switch, i can only transfer to the trombone section.
Nah, i thought.

But i soon gained a better understanding of the importance of having THEE bass in the band, because hey, without it, you can twitter all you like, but you're going to sound empty without mua. Hohoho.

All that changed when i stepped into secondary school and got the opportunity to choose what i'd like to play. I grabbed the chance and as they always say, the rest is history... 6 years of devotion to the alto saxophone (sec sch and JC).
Not the flute. ;-P

I don't quite know why i didn't pick the flute. Either because there were enough musicians in the flute section or perhaps it really was just an infatuation, in every sense.

(actually, i did try again for the flute in JC. I played with the flute section for a while only to discover that i totally sucked. Buah haha. It WAS a humbling experience. So it was back to the good old Sax. Ah, familiarity.)

I can't tell you which i prefer, the alto or soprano, i love em both. But i think that the desire for the soprano stems from the fact that i can handle it (as opposed to the Tenor and Baritone) and it's novel to me. And i also think that because of media exposure, it's more solo friendly.

Though eventually, i think my love for both will take over my pocket...

Ironically, i own a flute this day, but as for the saxophone...
Oh Honey, i'll come get you soon. I promise.

Picture was taken from:
(Soprano Saxophone)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Somewhere, in a not so distant land, something unpleasant is happening and it's a precarious situation. It's tugging at the heart of someone dear to me and so it looks like she's going to leave us sooner than i had hoped.

I'm trying to occupy my mind with happier thoughts, the plus points and the reasons that justify why it is all right that she should leave. But amidst that itself, i am also trying to keep in mind, the fact that the chances of her return is close to zero.

I am thinking of everything else, just so that my mind wouldn't pick up on that emotionally touchy issue, that sore, sore point, because i know that once i begin to mull over it, it will immediately dissolve me into tears.

It can't be right. Dealing with pain by shoving it away. I'm suppose to face it squarely right?

I think it's all this pride i have. Crap. I should learn how to not be afraid to cry freely in front of people when i can't hold it back anymore. (of course when appropriate lah.)
Shoot, i should learn how to be less reserved about letting myself look silly/ugly, because it means that someone else will see and know and feel that they are loved and will be missed.

Sometimes, words are just not enough you know?

Goodbye, So long, Farewell, AG. Thank you for the past 15 years that you've been here with us. We've been through so much together, and you've become like a sister to me, and i am so grateful for all the things you've done for us and for all the sacrifices you've made.
For all these years, you've been here to take care of us, doing a million and one things around the house that we've taken for granted from time to time.

You've seen me grow up from the time when i was a mere primary 1 school going kid to the young adult that i am today. For everything that you have done, i want to say: "Thank You".

God Bless and may the Lord keep you. I will miss you loads.

Monday, August 01, 2005

HELLLOOOOOOOOO EVERYONE!!!!!!! (felt like saying that. it feels like ages since i last blogged though it's only been... 3 days?)

Thanks for all your replies pertaining to the previous post. Appreciate all your input and i respect your views. :-)

(to some of ya'll: i left you a reply after yours but you haven't replied back leh! Ok ok lah, but i understand that if it's probing in too deep, than i will drop the subject.)

*** ***

This is a picture of Jed trying to sleep on a miniature arm chair. He's kind of squished behind mummy (he insists on occupying the space between our butts and the backrest).

His little wee head poking out like that was just too cute not to snap a photo.

Mummy grows Jed's rightful devil horns. He's my little devilish angel.

Had we known his character earlier, we'd have called him "Bandit", so says my sister.

*** ***

Saturday was both nerve wrecking (because I is social wallflower) and pleasant because i finally got to meet the friends (a large group, mind you) in the flesh. Putting names to faces and HAH! Good thing i did my homework even before i got to study them on your lappie. *wink*
So, it wasn't TOO much of an information overload.

They sure are a totally hilarious group, tickling the funny bone, all with the right frequency. I'm MORE THAN glad, i am mortally RELIEVED that we managed to get off with just a few harmless, non-controversial photos.
Yay! *muah hahaha*

(yes, i heard a few chants for a forfeit... Did you?)

*** ***

And finally, a "proper-sit-down-and-eat" birthday dinner with my library gang Ring Leader, XH, on sunday evening. It's always wonderful to meet up with my girls and just yabber all our nonsense and pains, basically getting the latest scoop on each of our lives.

Haiya, but the presence of guys tend to put a stopper or ok, maybe a filter, on our mouths, because when we want to talk about the private stuff, we can't because it's OBVIOUS that the guys are going to be the topic of discussion!

Don't get mua wrong, it's great having the guys around and they ARE a great addition, but you know, girls need girl talk time right? Right?!

OH WELL. I think this calls for a conspiracy... *rubs palms and thinks*

Anyway, it's coming to 5 years of friendship for us and i must say, Thank you God for placing such people in my life. It hardly feels like a day has passed since we've left ACJC almost 3 years ago and the friendship and bonds remain strong despite not being able to see each other often.

Love how we can still come together and blabber. Time didn't dilute anything.

*** ***

I am so cramped with work that i could go chew/chomp on a tree branch to deal with the pain.