A Farewell, but not a Goodbye!

We've been friends since junior college and i always, ALWAYS am thankful for all the times we've shared together. So many that i need photos to remind me of the things we got up to. I didn't enjoy college life (i thought i would, since it was the "cool" college to be in) but in the end, i hated it but instead met the core group of people who would be my friends for life. I thank God for them. :)

Y will be going to HK for a work stint and though we don't meet up as often as we should, the months that she will be away will be felt, honestly. So we decided to have a girly meet up over tea and delicious bites at this place called Arteastiq at Mandarin Gallery.

The 2SC10 Library Gang

Y's Ginger spice tea. It has a good ginger kick! Me like. Comes with biscuit, milk and sugar cubes.

That's where the good spice kick comes from



Lychee... something... Can't remember. I just remember thinking that everything was presented so prettily.

My duck breast wrap. It was soooo good. On the sweet side though, but that suits me just fine. I was amazed at how much salad they were able to squeeeze into that tiny bowl/cup. The other stuff in the plate includes the mushroom soup (thick and had loads of finely chopped mushrooms), croutons and a garlic puree salad dressing (spicy! and left us all garlicky in the mouth)

The wrap, upclose.

Monkeying around as usual.

You can probably tell that we had set a theme, which was so wear summery dresses. So tai tai, huh. :) But it was nice to play dress up for our girly outing la. Since we hardly ever do something like this.

I'd say the food isn't cheap and for bigger eaters, you might find the portions a little wanting. Which is why ordering your food with the teas might help fill you up. The general sentiment was that the food was good, so, if you don't mind paying for presentation, you can try this place. The ambience is lovely: dainty, delicate, whimsical.

We'll be having another outing soon, just to spend more time with Y before she goes. And hopefully when i start working (*kaching!*kaching!*financial freedom*!) and when XH's baby gets a little older, we can troop over and raid Y's apartment in HK. Teeheehee.

Yesterday was our 4th year and 8 month anniversary... It's almost 5 years since we've gotten together. But if i were to hazard a guess, just for fun, of the amount of time that we've ACTUALLY been in each other's physical presence, i think it would only come up to... 2 1/2 to 3 years? HAHA. Mostly because we're both quite busy in this phase of our lives. Busy-ness usually ISN'T and SHOULDN'T be a reason to explain away the lack of time spent with your partner. But, we've been REALLY busy.

I guess we're both independent individuals who also enjoy our space and own activities, but of course each other's company as well. There is a comfort in being both apart and together. Perhaps that is easier to say and do for now since we've not started living under one roof. But still, we are who we are and we are perfectly fine without clinging to one another.

I've learnt though, that being TOO involved in your own life has its pitfalls because that sidelines the other person and s/he may be prone to wander... in whatever ways you can think of. It is never good to take the other person's presence for granted. So Gem and i do keep the smses going, though not all that often, but at least one sms conversation a day. Or a call.

There's been a lot of "wedding talk" around me recently. Friends talking about getting married soon and friends talking about the things i should do in prep for my own wedding... Not that he has proposed anyhow. hurhur. I can't wait to be at my friends' weddings, i don't mind being a jiemei over and over if they don't mind the supposed "inauspicious" aura around that. :P

"Good Morning! Happy Birthday!", Dad very enthusiastically exclaimed with a big ole smile on his face, when he heard that i was awake.

He came by the sofa where i was half sleep with gift in hand, while i squeaked with delight and covered my mouth with my dog scented blanket.

"Good morning, and get up." He stood there and offered his hand to pull me to a sitting position.

"Can i just...". His voiced trailed off slightly awkwardly and said, "... just, hug...". Dad held his arms open in a gesture inviting me to hug him. And we embraced. Messy hair, out of bed smell, half consciousness and all.

It's been so long since my dad ever hugged me for anything at all. It's been years.

Especially since the saga in my family that we are still healing from, it means so much to me for my dad to reach out to hug his (still hurting) daughter.

Even as i type this, i realize the risk he took, the pride he (maybe?) needed to swallow and as I think about it, it brings fresh tears to my eyes.

I can't really explain the joy i felt when my folks returned from malaysia and without me expecting it, proposed to bring me out for my birthday dinner despite them feeling tired out from the long drive home and the whole trip itself. And as "luck" would have it, my sister who is usually running around with her own agendas was home and therefore could join us for dinner. It's been so long since we could go out as a family... As time passed by, our lives have slowly drifted in different directions and so this family dinner is a huge blessing to me.

For lack of a better description, i felt like i was 10 years old again... "with the power to decide where i wanted to eat, what i wanted to eat. Everyone just wanted to ensure that the birthday girl gets and enjoys whatever she wants". I'm a quarter of a century now really, but somehow, with grown people asking things like, "what have you been REALLY WANTING (like, craving) to eat?" and "You decide, you're the birthday girl...", etc, i really felt so... liberated. Like, man! Now, when was the last time that anyone paid THAT much attention to what I really wanted, saw it as something so infinitely important that it was ready to be given at the snap of a finger?

Needless to say, i was, er, behaving like a 10 year old at Bakerzin and Swensens. What with my happy grins, incessant chatter and laughter, clapping of happy hands when dad said, "Ok, quick, better go get your packet (OF BAKERZIN MACARONS. OMG.)" and when my Durian Supreme sundae arrived. The higher-than-normal tables at Earle Swensens made me feel even more like a kid at the dinner table that is too high for her.

I'm thankful that i wasn't brought up to be given every single thing i demanded for, so i really felt immense appreciation for the treat and felt touched by the time that spent together. I felt good to just let loose and forget about being all prim and proper, but instead just take joy in simply being my parents' daughter... Though she's changed from being the toddler wearing the plastic sunglasses/spectacles with the ridiculous bee perching on the frame to their now university going young adult with the, well still plastic, but now nerdy black frame glasses, she's still very simply, their younger daughter and child.

When my sister (3 years older than me) and i were goofing around while sitting opposite my parents, i saw, something so different and rare in my mom's smiling eyes as she looked on at us. I saw genuine mirth and even thankfulness in her eyes as they twinkled and crinkled when she smiled at our nonsense. Her eyes and smile looked, ALIVE. Something i have not seen in a long time. It was as if her eyes were saying, "I've not seen my children this way in so long, and i miss seeing them interact like close sisters. The way they are talking to one another now really makes me happy."

Edit:
I spoke too soon... I thought i had escaped the sprouting of white hair from all that stress, but my mom spotted one yesterday. Dangit!

just one of the many times...

I have one of the nicest human beings in the world as my significant other. He is SO NICE to the point that it is almost inhuman.

Today, i was at Challenger and called him asking for his opinion about the prices of external hard drives and which brands were reliable. Instead of just letting me buy the stuff off the rack there and then, he offered to go down to the now ongoing PC Show at city hall where he knew there would be better deals. Like, he WANTED to make the effort to squeeze with the rest of geeky Singapore just to get me my stuff.

Not only did he help me purchase them on my behalf, he took the trouble to travel back to the west so that he could pass the stuff to me when he could have simply gone home (east side) first. And when he arrived back to the west, he waited an hour for me to be done with cell group. And it was already late, like 10+pm. O.o

Since i wasn't feeling too good (stupid driving simulator practice i had made me dizzy and queasy), he saw me all the way home (west) even when it meant that he couldn't take the train home (too late), which would've been much more convenient for him. Some guys would've just cared more about his own convenience and let the girlfriend go home on her own.

I did stop along the way to pick up some yoghurt though, and because i was having a hard time moving around quickly (so as not to further upset my dizzy head and throw up) and deciding (mental processes had slowed down to a crawl), he very willingly carried my bag and purchases for me, waited alongside me as i took AGES to decide on what to get. Not a single squeak or complaint from him to me to hurry up. Genuinely cheerful, supportive and caring for my needs as always.

I was already so thankful but when i reached home, he slipped a big packet of cookies into my plastic bag of electronics. :-)

God really put a HUGE, soft heart in this guy, it's unbelievable.

I've never said it out loud before till tonight... that I've always felt second class. I was struck by how bitter i sounded when i spoke to my leader. I think these feelings have been harboured for far too long that it's not funny.

I've always felt that i'm not communicated to, i always have to figure it out on my own what in the world the others are doing, unless i flail my arms and yell that i'm lost. I've asked for help but i've always been made to feel that i'm troubling people and/or holding everyone back, especially when there are parties who are always raring to go. I often don't feel included, i don't feel heard, i feel patronized. I wondered if it was just me. I think part of it is, but part of it isn't.

I wondered if it was something i had to put up with, close one eye. But apparently, it resulted in a minor explosion today. And i didn't expect my leader to react so quickly... i think the only thing that made it better for me was that i wasn't the only one feeling less than good about the situation.

Not very comfortable with the fact that it came out still because i've been controlling and suppressing it for so long, so when i just ranted, it sounded really emotional and i don't normally rant to my (guy) leader!

Couldn't help but feel bad afterwards but i guess what has to be said, has been said. The next best thing to do is to keep walking, the aftermath is to be civil and mature about it.

These gnawing negative feelings inside me refuse to go away. They are resisting and are resistant. It's as if i've forgotten how to be happy anymore with the one person i should be happy with. If only something could be done to change history, or that if the person could just do/say/admit SOMETHING, so that my heart would stop feeling so heavy with hurt. But i can't even think of anything that can be done, because, the damage has already been done and exposed, and all that SEEMS to be possible, is for time and common sense to sink in. And for forgiveness to be given. But i can't. Not yet. I'm still angry, i'm still hurt, i'm still SO FREAKING PISSED with males.

You should have seen the way i was scowling the other day. People on the streets were taking second looks at me, and i suspect that i was scowling way too hard for a normal human being.

There is no peace in my heart and although i am functioning as per normal, i know that at the back of my mind, there is unresolved business that can't be resolved immediately, and there is hate and bitterness swirling about.

I've been trying to think logically and rationally. Trying to piece together the facts and trying to place myself in the person's shoes. Trying to be an understanding person. But nothing seems to help. I'm so consumed by disappointment, anger, disgust, hate, hurt, that my reasoning has become hazy. It's as if the only emotions i can feel for men right now are all these.

I feel like i need to walk away.

there are rosy and not so rosy times

Long ago and not too long ago, every time she raises her voice, begins to sound unreasonable, or has a tinge of accusation/highstrung-ness in her voice, or gets annoying in any way, i respond just as hot temperedly like a knee jerk reaction. I had no patience to tolerate what i perceived as nonsense. I would rise to challenge her and an argument would ensue.

These days, whenever she gets into one of those moments, i feel like my world suddenly slows down, my heart beat slows down, my breath gets even. It's not that my brain does not begin shooting out lots of lines to retort back. It does. But i feel my decision making (temporal lobe?) kicking in. And my response? I either dismiss it silently and keep quiet, or, answer what needs to be answered in an even or an emotionless tone.

Life is a lot more peaceful when you choose your battles.

But for him, it's different. It might not be the case on his side, but to me, he always seems to be challenging me. Always being critical, quick to judge. Finding loopholes, rarely encouraging. He makes me feel ignorant, stupid, and youthful in a bad way (as in, "you young people don't know much").

And it hurts. This time, things can swing in two directions. We either have a debate, albeit slightly heated, or, we'd have an argument. These days, the debate happens more often because i try really hard to control my nerves before the situation escalates.

As a kid, i used to marvel at how patient he would be... How he takes a while before he gets agitated, and i always felt safe having him like that. In the recent years though, things have changed. He gets irritated more easily and shows it. I didn't used to be as scared/cautious around him as i am now. He's no monster of course. It's just a change in the dynamics that i've noticed.

Our 2nd year anniversary is today!

No fireworks or great plans. But just a loving boyfriend who despite feeling flu-ish, plugged up his nose and journeyed to the west (he lives on the other end of the island) to come see the busy me who has been stuck at home essaying with a sort-of-writer's-block.

He brought me 3 stalks of purple lilies and they're awfully PRETTY.

He came despite being all prepared to leave after just a few minutes. I thought that was silly and told him that he's welcome to stay around longer. So, we pretty much had a nice (porridge) dinner with my family in front of the telly and then spent a quiet hour or so in my room with each of us doing our own stuff.

Nice and simple day, for which i have gem to thank for for taking the trouble to come all the way. Otherwise, we would have spent our 2nd year doing nothing again! HA. Thanks dear. =D

"Guys. Martians. Equate."

I was going through an old diary from 2002 when i saw this and laughed out loud. It's not exactly profound or anything, but it just reminded me about my past thoughts and how i would say the things that confirmed my then-hatred for men and how i would in saying such things help myself get over the poison inside. It was just one of the more light hearted things i indulged in, in my writings while trying to survive through junior college and a bad break-up.

***

I am SO pissed with my client and the whole working strategy. !@#$$@#%%$^^&%^$*

1 project + 3 kids + 3 parents + 1 teacher = "begging" + 2 interviews + 2 visits + 1 report writing + 10 brain veins popping + 4 eye bags + someone kena became "slave" (sorry!) + 1 expanded tummy

Yeah, that's a pretty accurate summary of the last week or so, that climaxed and ended at 11:56pm on the 9th of May, wednesday, 2007. (deadline for submission: 9th May 2007, 11:59pm)

But it's over now (in a good way) and i have nothing but grateful thanks to the people i could not have made it through without: God, J, J's mom, the participants and Gem. There's no way that i could've survived it without all of them, and those of you who've prayed and were praying for me.

I've got some worries getting in the way of me feeling totally at ease even after i've submitted my work, like whether my lack of citations in Part B (too rushed to remember to add!) will get me into trouble. Sigh. But it's done and only God has the final say.

And Gem has really demonstrated to me something about love: 24 hours working with me in any way he could (especially with the transcripting!), going home at 12 midnight for two days in a row, which is all the way in the East. With a willing heart and attitude of determination, with his ever supportive encouragement, always uplifting, always smiling, never complaining, without a single peep or expression of displeasure or impatience. I even got dinner and shoulder massages thrown in too! He is my godsent. Thank You.

Now to study for my examination next friday! ROAR!

Call me party pooper, wet blanket, sour grape, green horn, jealous prude, whatever you like.

But why is it that i get so defensive when a friend of mine gets attached? I get this yuck yuck feeling in my gut. Ahhh, but wait, there's more...

In cases when i've already met the girl/guy, and if the feeling goes away plus i get some good vibes, then i'll feel all right about the situation. I'd attribute my initial feelings to protectiveness and caution. To me, i just want my friends to be with the best (most suited, not perfect) person possible, and not "fall in love" because they haven't been with someone in a long while and the current squeeze offers some kind of giddy love relief, or that the squeeze is a sweet talker, or for any other reason that is just... obviously not right.

In cases when i've already met the couple together, and if i still have that yuck yuck/something-is-not-right feeling, then i think my gut feeling is probably right. From the number of times that my gut has predicted certain things, i think it deserves to be dug out and laid in a museum for people to pay their respects to it. Haha, KIDDING lah.

Other times, the feelings take a while to go away or lowers to a small simmer, and those are in cases where
(1) i try to accept my friend's decision despite my reservations.
(2) the other party changes my mind about him/her.
(3) i've just grown used to it.
(4) i accept that i might have been overeacting.

So..... From now till when i meet the person, i'll hold me tongue, abstain from judgmental thoughts and quell my feelings until proven true beyond reasonable doubt.

To find out that he was only that bit away from me gave me the chills. There's still a degree of separation and it's very likely that i won't bump into him anyway. But STILL... When i heard that little bit of news, my blood ran cold for a moment.

Not that i fear anything, or feel anymore pain. It's just that when a bit of my past comes by to brush lightly against my current path in life and even almost crosses it, i can't help but feel a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions. The physiological body then reacts accordingly... The heart races, i feel cold and my hair stands, my head throbs and my palms go a bit clammy.

A part of me always hopes that both parties will come to an amicable and civil existence, especially since it's been a number of years already. I never make advances and i don't think i'll ever dare to unless it's obvious that if i do, i won't be murdered. God knows best about the state of our minds and hearts, and i trust Him wholeheartedly for however the future unfolds.

I decided to take a look at my collection of drafts and i was quite taken aback to discover that my own voice was shushed by my own censorship board, resulting in drafts written and stashed away in cold storage for as long as 2 years.

For the fun of it, i shall pluck some of them out (never before published), modify it here and there and publish them. I kinda wash my hands off some of these old posts' stances because they were written at a time when the mind was going through a different stage altogether.

***

20th May, 2005.

It feels a little strange. Ok fine, i agree that even the plainest, most OBVIOUS things in life amaze me. And to everyone else, it's: duh.

It makes me feel oddish inside how when a universe constructed by two people in love can become utterly and completely shattered and destroyed. And then comes along the next significant other who you begin to build a new universe with.

You know... how a "universe" can be so self sufficient, with everything you could need and want inside it. But when the time comes when it becomes dissipated molecules, everything special you had with the person "no longer exists". Meaning, it should exist only as memories/lessons/etc, but it shouldn't be something you dwell and harp on emotionally and psychologically like it is all you ever know or think about or live for. Neither should it be the place where you run back to to seek solace. It is no more, we live in the present, so get a grip.

And when a new person steps in, it feels as if the newcomer is intruding into that shattered universe, looking around and picking up the pieces and trying to fix it together, but infusing a whole new twist to it. Personalized to create something new, and "adulterated", although that really IS a normal next thing to happen.
But it feels like, "snatching". You know... like something bad.

Feels as if you're doing a very nasty injustice to the other party of the shattered universe.

But i'm just saying. So yeah.

Attraction to the attractive, to me, is a dangerous work of nature. Among human beings i mean. (Male peacocks are the pretty ones between the female and male, but i don't think the female peacock would be too concerned with his character or the way he manages his finances.)

When one becomes attracted to an attractive counterpart based on physical appearance alone, with respect to character judging, one tends to overlook the flaws, or think/fooled to think that flaws don't exist, or that all flaws can be tolerated, or that all flaws can never be too hard to deal with or made right. All because that beautiful, enchantingly gorgeous being is just... So desirable, that anything goes.

Right and Wrong. While some people do take great pains to change and/or to accept the other for all the bad points even after the inital rush (ie, they make the decision... to Love.) some other flaws may well be the very things that cause rifts and therefore a split between a couple in future. When i hear of fancying taking place before one actually interacts with the desirable target, my head screams: Blinded!

But humans are such that when we set our eyes upon someone of a different gender with agreeable physical features (well, at least for most of us who are not living alternative lifestyles), we begin to wish, to some extent, that we could associate with him/her. In the end, some do and some don't.

In cases where the "association" goes beyond just friendship into courtship, I salute those who have the sense to step out of a potential war zone when one sees that something cannot work out, as opposed to someone who is just too eager to be with someone, or wants an ego stroking or whatever else and so therefore enters into the relationship anyway.

There is a reason why you hear and will continue to hear that looks can be deceiving, good looks is not what's really important, beauty is fleeting, yada yada, because it's true. This is not to discount the fact that there ARE people who are stunningly attractive (by most standards) on both the inside and outside though. To those i say to you, good for you. :-)

So in obvious conclusion, all i can say is... Use (mostly) your brains. The heart, is a deceitful fella.

Season of Pain, Season of Love.

Firstly, if i'm right about who he is, i didn't know that this friend of mine had a blog, but i just stumbled upon it for some reason. And I read something that shot me straight to my heart. I think he is quoting this passage from a book by Rick Warren (author of "The Purpose Driven Life"):

To share with what Rick said:

"You may have been passionate about God in the past but you've lost that desire.That was the problem of the Christians in Ephesus-they had left their first love.They did all the right things, but out of duty, not love.

If you've just been going through the motions spiritually, don't be surprised when God allows pain in your life. Pain is the fuel of passion-it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess. It's God's way of arousing us from spiritual lethargy.

Your problems are not punishment; they are wake-up calls from a loving God. God is not mad at you; he's mad about you, and he will do whatever it takes to bring you back into fellowship with him."

I know that i'm copying and pasting wholesale but i feel that i need to place these here so that it can be a reminder to me, and not to be lost as a result of my often faulty memory.

This is GOD's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.

"When you come looking for me, you'll find me.

"Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else,I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." GOD's Decree.

"I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"--GOD's Decree--"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it. -- Jeremiah 29:10-14

Thank you my friend, for putting that up on your blog. I think i have the book lying somewhere around the house and it's about time i took the advice of many to pick it up and learn the precious lessons.

Did i also mention that QT today was awesome?

In this Season of Pain, i've found the True Love Of All Time.

A Blessed Valentine's Day to you all.

I think i saw her. And seeing her brings back memories of a time long ago, of a time that i have put behind me. Time not withstanding, the emotions still felt a little raw and I felt them creep up on me from the crevices of my mind, but i chose to beat them back ferociously into a state of submissive hiding. But i can hear its sneering, taunting me, making me feel a tinge of that familiar pain all over again.

She looks different. Older and bears less of that childlike disposition, though she still retains the same resemblance to the young primary school going child i saw about 3 to 4 years ago. But most of all, she looks like her brother: Echoing that face i knew so well.

There was a time when she, in all her cheerful innocence, brought me to her room to show me her collection of toys and knick knacks and introduced them one by one to me. And there were other times when she would boisterously pounce on my back and delight in piggy back rides from me. She made me feel included, she made me feel that she accepted me, enjoyed being with me.

Today, her gaze followed me as i walked on by. If it was really her, I wonder what she thinks of me now. I wonder if she hates me or sees me with disdain for all the things that she must've heard that i've done from his side of the story.

I couldn't really mug properly without getting this out of my system first. So, here's my broken heart again... Poured out with reckless abandon into cyberspace. Such a strange place to do so, come to think of it.

*** ***

Yes, i know what i said and i aim to keep it that way. Peaceful, positive, face looking ahead and wholesome. But it still comes back to haunt me.

I tell the thought to stop there, shut up and go away. But then i realize that cutting it off doesn't work. And so I pause during my precious study time just so that i can spend some crucial minutes to logically rationalize about why i should let it go and why it shouldn't bother me anymore.

Mentally, i go through everything, thought by thought, and along the way, fixing and remedying the negative emotions that come when i hit a sensitive spot in the process. God had heard my desperate cries for help to deal with the pain, to see clearly, to avoid making things harder than it already was.

He was faithful from the very start when He allowed me to overcome the initial brutal gashes. That alone was pretty amazing, for it was through the worst of the worst things that i had to deal with, that i learnt how it is like to truly and fully, forgive.
I would never have been able to do that by myself - Knowing the kind of person that I am: Bitter, resentful and prideful. And dramatic.

All along while dealing with past pains, i thought that by shoving them to the back of my mind after consciously numbing the pain out, i thought that forgiveness had taken place. But how mistaken i was, because i know that deep down, it still lurked and when the time was ripe to wreak havoc, these issues would rear its ugly head and tear me into a million pieces, into a million hating beings.

I will come to terms with those things, soon, because of what the Lord has shown me.

Despite having gone through the most difficult, steep part, here comes the long roadtrip. The time period where i need to receive healing. I need this time to mend, to find reconciliation, to learn how to trust.
And it's not as if i was a very trusting person to begin with. I never ever trusted much and now i'm going to have to start again from something like, lower than zilch.

To reclaim wholeness, I need this time for the healing process to reach completion. The wounds that were inflicted are still there, open, deep, raw and sensitive to the touch.

I need to be reassured, reaffirmed, loved. To know that i am held safe in loving arms that will not let me fall. I need a place to feel safe to cry in, in all my vulnerability. I need to be kept in the truth.

I despise myself for being so weak but i'd rather be weak than to fall back once more into the deep, dark, lonely pit of anger and hatred.
I would rather be weak now and be whole later than to continue to deludedly think that i can stand tall, strong, resilient and untouchable by drawing on that disturbing pool of fuel... Fuel made from cumulated loathing and bitterness.

That is but only a false sense of security in myself, and even so, how can one continue thriving on something so unwholesome? It's a pathetic way to sustain my emotional strength.

So begone you old ways, and Lord, pour in Thy new spirit i pray.

One of the reasons why my past relationship messed up big time was because of immaturity and another was because man, i delved in too deep with the questions.

After reading a number of her posts, i see that common trait we share... And that is, Jealousy.

Well, because i don't want to cut and paste and well, get horribly flamed for plagiarism, here's Finicky Feline's Post on Ex-Girlfriends.
(oh, if she updated her blog, then just look for the post entitled "Ex-girlfriends", which shouldn't be too far down.)

I know i stand by the truth and nothing else ever appeases the heart and mind, but truth. So, while she says that guys should just say those pleasing words despite how he really feels...
That's where i don't quite agree.

(however...)
- Because i admit to be the jealous sort... I would still love to get those *ahem* recommended answers from the future dude if those questions ever leave my mouth...

- Honestly? I was inwardly CHEERING her on as the words rolled on by. Guys, you don't know what kind of dynamite lies under our feminine exterior!!! *ROARR!!!* *unsheathes sharpened claws*

BUUUTTTT!!!!!

He shouldn't say those things just so that he can be let off the hook, but the basis on which those replies stem from should really be because he has REALLY dealt with ALL the skeletons in the closet
So that when he finally answers...

He can, YES, freely give me that big fat answer (i quote from her) "YOU, OF COURSE." and "NO" (with respect to the questions), with all the confidence, assurance and honesty, with no hint of the fishy and stale secrets still stashed and left behind somewhere.

*** ***

Realistically speaking, is it ever possible to fully get over someone you've loved before, given that the break up wasn't a "if i don't leave you now, i'm so going to murder you" type.

Perhaps i am selfish and still immature...?
Or maybe i'm the type who just needs a lot of emotional support and assurance. I, for one, know that i am no bundle of steel nerves when it comes to matters of the heart.

But the most realistic scenario that my tendency-to-jealousy-heart can allow, is that...
It's ok to keep memories of the ex, but it's NOT ok to keep the ex in the heart.

Look, if you're truly in love with someone else, i don't see why the ex should linger around in the heart. It's definitely not a good sign and that alone has implications.

And if there're still issues unsolved, please don't go and break someone else's heart by clinging onto the relationship but harbouring all the things from the past.
You ought to be shot if you do that.

This world has enough pain festering all around already.

*** ***

Funny how girls can get sooo riled up about the other girl, in cases where they don't even know each other.

(girlfriends disliking ex-girlfriends and vice versa)

I don't want to sound self-righteous but frankly, ever since getting over history, i've kept telling myself that if i ever get to meet the ex's girlfriend, i shall die-die be nice to her and die-die be happy for him. It's probably going to be a teeth gnashing effort but hey, that's how i think it should be.

*** ***

By the way, i am *raising my eyebrow* over this oddness of receiving Birthday wishes that're meant for the country.
Eg. Happy National Day to you!

Okok, i know, we're all in this nation together, and we're all contributing in some way, so by right, we all are part of this birthday celebration.
(as the sissy says: Well, you could think of it as, why people wish each other "Merry Christmas".)

Ok... Imagine though, your friends coming up to your mom and dad and saying: "Happy Birthday!"
On YOUR birthday.

*hmm...* Is there something wrong with that analogy? Sounds a little strange.
Hah, me's never good at analogies.

I abhor dishonesty

Please be honest with me.

Stop twisting your stories, for WHATEVER reason. Whether it's to save your behind, avoid embarrassment, or so as not to hurt me.

STOP TWISTING YOUR STORIES. Just be straight and civil with me.

I'd rather see the trait of honesty in you than hear a white lie or any other lie, and seeing THROUGH it.

In case you DIDN'T realize, your words BETRAY you and i CAN TELL.
I'm not so dumb as to not put two and two together when i hear different versions at different times.

You know? When i keep seeing that happen, it makes me think that you are a liar.

If you keep doing that too often, i will just stop "thinking" that you're a liar, and decide that you ARE a liar.

I am watching you.

My silence does not mean that you got away with anything.

I am merely waiting and observing. I am going to see what really lies underneath that pretty picture.

Don't ask me if i'm talking about you. If you feel a prick, i believe that you are mature enough to know what to do.