Monday, June 30, 2008

Tomorrow is the day i've been waiting for, since April/May. Then again, in some way, it is also the day that i have been waiting unknowingly for since i even began my undergraduate studies. Tomorrow will seal the activities of the next 2 years of my life. And it will seal the activities of my working life, for at least the first 3 to 5 years. (That is, if i don't throw in the towel and quit earlier than that.)

Hello NTU-NIE.


Seriously, there are times when i really wonder... Just WHO ARE my REAL friends?


A part of me says to give up, while another part says that in my heart, there is no such thing as giving up. A true test of my devotion to the cause, of my love, of my perseverence to pursue.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

:-) Gem got me...

1) two lovely packets of Caramel Corn:
I've tried this snack before many years ago and i've had fond memories of it. Haha. I don't know if this is the same stuff, but i'll find out soon. I guess a slight difference is that these are the flavored versions. Green tea and peanut, i believe. :-9


2) The whole 3 sets of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks I tell you, i was just stunned. I mentioned about wanting the soundtracks very much, being a Pirates movie fan and also a fan of the music, but i never imagined that he would get them all for me. :-D I've imported them over to itunes and i'm just having a blast listening to them all! YEAY! The various musical themes from the movie are so full of lively character, it's such a joy to listen too. It feels as if you are practically watching the movie! It's powerful, driving, rich and adventurous.


People at church have commented that i look more alive today as compared to about 2 weeks ago. HAHA. Oh gosh. I think the work i've been doing had really sapped my energy overall. While i am glad that it's going to be over in 1 week's time, i've been left with a lot to think about. And for some reason, even though i'm going to get my lovely one month break before school starts in August, which is all well and good, i would still feel that my days are missing out on something meaningful. Ok, but i'll be glad that i don't have to sacrifice any more sleep to get to work on time in the morning!

Being someone who needs 9 hours of sleep to function well for a full day at work, i often feel tired and sleepy because i've been getting a max of 6 to 7 hours of sleep lately. Quite pathetic, i know. Most people can function with 7 or 8 hours or even less, of sleep. I can't. Jia lat, next time how man. Maybe i need to start thinking about alternative ways of earning moolah.


Although i'm so out of it when it comes to my archery club and archery, i'll be heading up to Hougang for the AGM tomorrow. Shucks. I don't really like not having any friends there anymore other then the people who are running the whole show. All my mates have stopped shooting for their various reasons. Apparently, the only compound archer is one of the few adults. The rest are recurve archers. ARGH. About time to get back to shooting... This lag has lasted TOO long. All talk and no action only, so far.

At least i know that my form is still pretty decent since the last time i tried the recurve bow at a short distance. :-)

It's good to be back rambling here again about nothing much in particular without being too emo.

Monday, June 16, 2008

It's me! I'm BACK! I SURVIVED!

Interestingly, i feel more refreshed than when i left. Of course, i need a good break in general, but mentally, i am feeling better.

2 weeks more before Joline's out of YGOS. I am looking forward to my 1 month break before school begins in August. But i'll definitely be occupied with a major project, like my friends' wedding video. I hope the NTU people start school only in end july, so that i'll be able to spend some quality time with them before school begins as well. The more i think about even going down to NIE to just register in july, the more brain chills i get! I'm dreaming of the lunch meetings, the rendezvous, the studying together, my counselling course, being on campus, restarting my archery again, jogging with JL (and whoever else that is game) around NTU/track, working out in the gym. Whoo-ooo-ooo. *brain chill*

In all honesty, i doubt that i will be able to fulfill all that i am dreaming of. Ah, but one can hope, right.

My Library Gang Bintan trip has also been CONFIRMED! OH MY GWASH. FINALLY! We've been fantasizing about going for a holiday together since we all graduated and started working... It's been a ripe 3 years or so (or is it more than that?) and now it is HAPPENING. We had plans to travel to somewhere further actually but i guess because some people aren't exactly loaded, *ahem*yourstruly*cough* travelling further was an issue.

Much has been going on in my head regarding my future. I've been asking God: God, what is it you want me to do in my life? I'm totally "at your disposable" you know? All you need to do is just tell me, just say so, and i will do it.
(but i never really hear him clearly about this.)

I'm also questioning and answering myself. I'm thinking:-

Q: If handling, being and dealing with people is so hard for me personally, that it is a struggle, than why in the WORLD am i bothering to train myself to take on a job that requires me to "take care" of people? WHY in the WORLD am i going headlong into something that arouses so much FEAR and STRESS in me?

A: I think it's strange that i'm choosing to do something completely opposite to what i am comfortable with. If i had things my way, i'd just settle for something easier, or less conventional. You know, like maybe be a zookeeper, or an archery coach, or travel the world making documentaries about animals or our planet. But if you were to ask me WHY i choose to do counselling, i'd tell you that i believe the people of our society today, really need something. There is a need for social, mental, emotional well being. Spiritual well being even. And i want to do my part to help. There is so much pain and twisted values these days and it's being passed down to our younger generation and it breaks my heart to hear about what it does to them. So i'm thinking... Is my desire to do what i want to do driven only just by wanting to make the world a better place? Or is it possibly driven by love? And whose love? My love? God's love? Even that can be a struggle to answer at times. But i know that if there is love involved, it is not my own, but Father God's love for his people (which is actually everyone on this planet!). And this is probably it, that i believe this is why i choose what i choose to do... To carry out my duties inspired by His love inspite of all the fears.

So i'm thinking. Is this therefore the "thing" that God wants me to do in my life? I'm going against my human nature for a cause, so.... that's good, right? Right? But of course, there are times when God makes use of our strongest assets to do his work in places where we may be most comfortable in. But i guess there are times when He also wants to teach some of us something, or to stretch some of us that need stretching.

For now, he has so obviously opened the door for me to enter the counselling field. I feel as if his favour is on me to pursue this. First it was when YGOS willingly took me in for just 2 months (which is generally not entertained) and then NIE which offered me the counselling course despite me being a young 'un, a graduate from UniSIM (which some people tend to have certain pre (and mis?) conceptions about), someone with no relevant working experience (at the point of my interview, all the working experience i ever had was of selling Body Shop products back in 2003 while waiting for uni to begin and printing invoices and collecting $ since 2006 at my other workplace), i'm far from scholar material, and i also could only hand in 2 referee reports out of the required 3 (i typed out and clipped a very earnest sounding letter to NIE, together with my application, to apologize for not meeting the requirements). Not forgetting the highly embarrassing fumble i made during my interview when i blabbered something and ended my blabber with "erm, er, never mind. *giggle*"
Oh goodness, so retarded!

My conclusion is: I will continue to pursue this as long as the coast is clear and until God decides to say ENOUGH, closes the doors and places me somewhere else.

So anyway. I've got ONE more day of break at home to do my YGOS reflections and then it'll be back to work on tuesday. Hm, i look forward to my Breadtalk breakfasts almost every morning before hitting the workplace. Teehee. *beam* I'm wondering if i should begin using my lunch hour to go running. I usually feel like a squishy and pudgy pao after lunch and it makes me feel uncomfortable! A surefire way to put on weight sia... I think i've been doing well in keeping my weight in check at the moment, and i don't wanna mess it up!

All righty, good night folks. It's 4 in the morning. A long post after a long time. Talking in long rambly posts often is more my thing!


Sunday, June 08, 2008

It's sunday, midnight. And i'll be leaving for Malacca for a community service trip in the afternoon. I'm not in the best of states to be going really. Tired (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically) and down with the flu, bordering on having a headache/fever.

Like i told Gem, it's one thing to go on a community service trip and it's quite another to do one with youths in tow. Oh GOD, i REALLY NEED YOU. I need your strength to carry me through. I just don't have it in me right now.

Am doing my packing now, and i must say that the barrage of camps previously in May has made me a much quicker packer! Thanks to Gem for letting me loan his good ole deuter bag.

I know this is going to sound so random, but for some reason, i'm struggling with so much pride inside my heart. Everyday, i hear myself telling myself to "shut up!" every time i think of something prideful or judgmental. I tell you... I get so tired of myself, really. It's a good thing people can't read my mind! I'd be thoroughly despised i think. Sometimes, even the act of doing something loving can turn into something prideful. Sheesh.

It's amazing how God can love me for who i am. I'm thinking of all the reasons why God can't possibly love me. But when i look at examples of people God loved and loves, people who show the same "reasons", i know that i cannot explain God's love away from me.



Want to learn jazz and blues piano!
Want to find good orchestral (not classical) music.
Wants it to be july, NOW.
Would love a digital piano.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I'm sort of experiencing a low point in my life at the moment. It's not toooo bad. But it's definitely not the usual.

But a home cooked dinner, furry canines, and honest talk made for good therapy. :-)

I'm into my second month at YGOS and boy, has it been quite a ride. Imagine: Half a week in Malacca, a break of 1 or 2 days, and then two more weeks at YGOS and then ADIOS! I'll be off for a month before school starts. But then, i'm always open to coming back for any ad hoc stuff. If they want me around. :-P Which reminds me, J came back today to visit (i guess?) and it was indeed a pleasant surprise! He apparently cycled all the way from home, and it took 2 hours for him to reach our workplace. Was nice to see a fellow (now ex-) project servant back!

I'm going off to Malacca on a community service trip with some youths and i'm really unsure of what's going to happen. Really got to come before God again and submit it all to him. For now, i guess the guys in my team are a great bunch, when given the encouragement and guidance.

Anyway. I made my decision as to where I will be continuing my studies.... I shall make hanging out in NTU-NIE FUN! :-D
Oh, and i really look forward to picking up my archery again, exercising with JL and doing all sorts of campus-sy things! Whoopee!