Saturday, October 30, 2004

:-< (updated...again)

I feel violated.

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I feel a heaviness in my heart since i awoke and as i go about the day.

Thank God i have cell and service later... To immerse in nothing else but the Lord. To just worship Him because He's the head of all things, He's Everything.
The one i know i can turn to regardless of what life as in store.

I hate the feeling that's hanging over me.
I shake my head in a bid to get it out... physical manifestation but of course it doesn't work.

Must deal with this like another of life's experiences.
Such things serve to build me up, whether in maturity or emotional strength or whatever else.

It may look like something trivial on the surface, but in truth, it runs deeper.
YES, you wouldn't understand.

Okay, off to church i go.

Lord, please sustain me.

Might come back to ramble more.

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Ya know, you know how some troubled people keep their problems to themselves while everyone says it's always best to spill?

Well, how about this. I want to spill but i only have my blog for company. I don't want to trouble my girl friends who are coming face to face with their exams and can jolly well do without my whining, nor do i want to subject another friend to my endless whinings about my own problems.

I feel like a first class brat.

So there. My dear blog. It's just you and me, honey.

It feels so weird not blabbering things to a human being. So used to being blessed that way.

So yeah... I've already made my move... And i don't know what else i need to do to make amends.
Is what i've done inadequate?
Must i do more? Am i expected to do more?
If so, i'm sorry, but i don't know. Honestly.

Am i blowing it out of proportion? I think i do that sometimes.
I think the ball is no longer in my court.

I really think i should give myself a real huge smack, right across my face with a sperm whale.

Me and my stupid honesty.

I don't expect anyone to be reading this through because right now, this is just me talking to self, more or less.

If i feel "violated" (strong word, but that's what i mean), which i do, i wonder why i feel like i have to make the peace.
I think... "normal" was not the word of the day. DEFINITELY NOT.

Talk about multiple sides to a person. I really don't know what to think now.

I know/I guess you wouldn't be reading this.
Personally, it's all well and good if you do anyway.

Am i being overeactive and emotional? Good heavens, why am i pouring it all out here.
Whoever knew this side of me.

Maybe life has been too good.
I need to be awoken from my little puny world. HELLO?!

It's eating me. Eating me inside.

Stream of consciousness anyone.
My eyes are drooping, getting lazy, slow... Brushing teeth feels like it's going to take all my energy.

I'm swinging between fear, confusion, pain, disgust.

Why do i even bother? Why do i get so moody?
Because friends mean so much to me. A single friend means so much to me.
You don't know how hard it is, you don't know my history, you don't know a lot of things.
So don't you even dare.

I am wasted. Without the booze.

Ya know what.
I'm tired of this shit for today. Enough.
Like i said, i didn't expect anyone to read this. If you did... Goodness knows what you're thinking now.

Till Then.
*I consider my part to be done. It's in your hands.*

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