Saturday, April 30, 2005


No longer living in secrecy, behind a mask. No more pretending. No more hoping.
Because it's in the open.

Because it's all there.
Believe it.

Isn't the truth beautiful?

*** ***

And that echoes... in my salvation in Jesus as well.

The truth is there right before you. His love is right there.
Just waiting for you. For you.

It's free. All you need to do is open a sincere heart and welcome the Lord.

There is nothing to lose when you embrace His love, His protection, His everlasting promises.
Take it, hold it, know it.

He'll be your eternal friend, and father. For all time.

Though the turbulences of life can be relentless, cruel, angry, heart wrenching...

When you let Him hold you for the rest of your life, there is nothing to fear. Your future, your destiny, is already decided.

I can testify that the God i know is real. And you can only find him through Jesus.

Though I have no particularly huge way to tell you of the things i have experienced, the little things in my life that God has done has accumulated and shown me that He Lives.

I've heard of the testimonies, spoken with boldness and firm trust in the Lord, from trusted friends and I know I can see God's hand at work in them.
And they shine... With such beauty. :-)

I used to doubt, question, and sway. For all those years, my faith was largely infantile.

But those days are gone. I've moved on. To solid ground.

It is my heart's desire that one day, you will too.
And in time to come, we will rejoice together.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

No way.

I am dead set against pre-marital sex.
I hear what has been said, but despite that, i will never condone what the world has to say to defend it.

*** ***

I hate it how Haloscan gets rid of comments from old posts although people did leave comments. :-(
Now i cannot read what they said. Ah, you know how you can get new insight even from reading old sources?
(it's a Mandarin Chen Yu ok!)

Sometimes, the comments are still there, but a nice oval ZERO takes the place of the number that is suppose to be there. So, one might think that there're no comments at all.

*** ***

There's something that i'm always obsessing over. And i know that it stems from my past.

It's always this:
Can we really communicate well? Do we clique? Can i truly be myself in front of the person without inhibitions?

I know that i have lost some of that honesty. I restrict myself a lot, i hide a lot, i pretend.

And at the end, i think people don't see me for who i really am. And when i do start expressing my inner self, they would probably think that i've changed into someone they don't know.

And wondered why they even bothered with me to begin with.

Why can't i cut the ghostly strings and live in freedom?Posted by Hello

(courtesy of unknown artist)

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Devotion defined.

On the rare occasion that i've taken the time to read the papers, i came across this:

The Straits Times, Life! Section, 27 April '05, page 3.

His 30 minute Rule

(Mr Robert Yeo, 84, talks about taking care of his wife, 82, who cannot see and is bedridden)

His relative says of him:
... " He's a one man show. He never complains. The minute she calls "Bert", he'll be there next to her."...

"Asked if he ever feels burnt out or worries about the future, he says, "My greatest joy is taking care of her. I don't worry about tomorrow. We'll just take everything in our stride". "

Can everyone say "Give the Man a..." wait ah. *thinks*
"Give the man Brands Essence of Chicken!!!"

I salute him. Thank God for people like him on this planet, that gives me some hope that not all men are scum.

But then, he's 84. A bit too ancient for me hor, donch you think.

But it also serves to challenge me. If anything should happen to my spouse and he becomes unable to move and function by himself without aid... By God's grace and strength, i'll be able to be just like Mr Robert Yeo.
Serving with deep love, devotion and selflessness. Just like Jesus.


Tuesday, April 26, 2005

some not-so-old photos

Yeap. Hadta get rid of the photos that were taking up memory in the digital camera.

Square Rose Posted by Hello

I like the way how MOST of the wall surfaces are actually the same shade of colour but because of the existence and absence of light here and there, different shades are created. It gives some colour tonal variation.
Because it's a stairwell, there's a kind of layered format so it reminds me of the layers of rose petals. :-) And so that makes me stare into the very heart of the "flower".

Clarity Posted by Hello

You should've seen how the bright sunlight made the edges of the cloud stand out so starkly. Every curve, every tip, every twist was highlighted. Absolutely spellbinding.
The blueness of the sky shocked my senses and i loved how the rays came out too...
Oh, you should've seen it.
The photo does no justice to it whatsoever.

*Sighs wistfully*.

I love sky gazing. I love the sky's every season.
But if i have to pick a favourite... ERrrr. Argh, i can't. I love them all.

To narrow it down, i'd have to say: a clear night sky, sunrises and sunsets.

But only by virtue of the fact that...

I am a romantic (who.. at the same time is skeptical of/gets squirmish about, romance. Weird and contradictory, i know.)
and a melancholic (there's something painfully sad to me, about sunsets.)

Night follows and i love the night. I love the quietness, the air, the strange enfolding and darkness.

... that sunsets touch me in an intangible way.

But this is not to say that i enjoy sunrises any less or that they are inferior in beauty (*meaningful glance*).
Each are seen and felt in different contexts. And the sad one happens to tweak its way into my weird nature.

Almost 4am. Just a lil wee bit more before i crash.

Monday, April 25, 2005

things one says when procrastinating a report

Every time my eyes rest on the picture of the polar bears, especially the bigger one, my mind brings me to a time and place where i can feel myself patting the giant creature on its big and fleshy furry rump.

At times, when Jed and i lock gazes, i feel as if he is about to open his mouth and suddenly speak in audible human language. Suddenly, i would see his doggy mouth forming words that humans understand.

I get that sometimes when i bath him. As if when circumstances get too demanding (Jed, it's JUST a bath!) he would break his vow not to speak. And speak, he does.

But then, what makes me think that animals must reply in a human language. How snobbish of me.

We snuggled together in bed this morning and/or afternoon and because of that, i refused to get up.
Think of how you would hug a soft toy to bed while lying on your side. Done?
Well, that was how he was cuddled against me. I so wanted to take a photo but, garn, i couldn't move and my phone was already outta battery.

It just striked me again, of how two completely different forms of existences can live in such close proximity and form such close, tight bonds with one another.

Dog. Human. So different in form and dimension, but both have the ability to forge deep and meaningful attachments to each other.

Da and Ma went trekking! And they brought back some... er... Souvenirs.
Courtesy of Mother Nature.

Mini Me(s)! Perched on Mr normal-sized-Stapler-for-scale, we have Mini-Me-Rambutan! And there in all spiky glory, we have Mini-Me-Durian! Posted by Hello


I am VERY tempted to photoshop the rambutan and add flailing arms and legs.
"It looks like a Koosh Ball." -Sister
My thoughts exactly.

(actually. It looked like a Koosh Ball YESTERDAY. It just looks... blackened and a little dead today. As featured right here.)

My sister declares that, "Hey, we've got a miniature pinscher (Jed), dwarf hamsters and now these... (Mini Me fruits)"
What a strange trend. Bah. Sadly, i don't think either of us can be considered anywhere near miniature... in a way that we might like.

Slim, slender, toned... *pout* No where near that.
Ah, neh mind. I am Jojo Sinclair redefined. *ahem, cough* Right. *choke*

Kinda reminds me of the time when we went to visit the "Shetland Farm". Where miniature horses ruled!

If anyone cannot really comprehend the mini-ness of the fruits because of the way i took the photo, let me know. I'll try to find another way to show you.


Sunday, April 24, 2005

that little spark (updated)

Believe me... When i say that i have to hold my sarcastic, insult-spewing tongue many many times.

The thing is. I never mean anything maliciously.

If i throw "insults" at you, it's because i think you can take it. And you have all the liberty to insult me right back.

The key here is: good frequency. good spirit. good understanding.

That's what i love in open and honest friendships.

even silences feel nice and fit well.

Feeling comfortable with each other. Knowing the limits yet knowing how far you can go... Which can be quite far.

People aren't petty about things and they take it all good naturedly.

Poking at friends... is my, uhm, twisted way of saying, "i like you, my friend. we dig. we savvy."

So, if you find that i am just "nice"...


*** ***

I now know, (but had i known before as well?) what it feels like to have an impossibility become reality.
An ideal, a dream, an illusion. To solidify, becoming reality.
Oh, the sweet taste. The heady euphoria.

I guess i have known the feeling before. But not this way. The tangible manifestation was, the first of its kind in my 2 decade lifetime.

Still find it hard to believe. I have difficulty believing it for more than 10 minutes without asking myself again if it is true.

Did i awake from just a mere pleasant dream? No wait. I didn't. Because when i do "return to the world", the fact is there, waiting for me to accept it as truth.

The inconceivable little reality is the reason behind my inner and outer smile.

between you and me, ok? Posted by Hello


What were you thinking?!

Alamak. No lah. Was just kidding. I haven't gotten the bean bag yet. :-(
Looks like i'm going to miss the sale that ends today but that doesn't mean i'm not getting it ultimately.
( thanks for doing the leg work, mate.* :-D* )

(ah, but i am dead serious about the bit i said that is above the photo)

*** ***

Amazingly horrifying... what blogging does to my ability to "shut up" on certain matters. Sigh.

Tra li la li la.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Hooooo Boy Howdy!

I have found out that you can get a stroke by straining, when, er, you are doing your business in the loo. This is not a joke ok. I'm serious. So... eat healthily and poo regularly!

*** ***

I need:

- a club (erm... the type that you hit people with)
- an oxygen tank
- weights that weigh 1 ton... to tie to my feet and arms (add a straitjacket too while we're at it)
- a "thoughts grabber" to keep my mind in focus
- ice packs. lots of it.
- a slap, many pinches, and a "clonk!" from that club i spoke of...

I cannot stop grinning.
But there's something, something very important, that bothers me too.

Oh Lord, my Father.
You are MY ALL, and there is nothing else i want to do more than to follow You alone and Your will for me.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

creature comfort

Always wanted a bean bag to lounge around in while reading a book or simply just for nuaing purposes.
You know, sink into something grainy and hard against the muscles, almost like it were a little massage. *uhmm*

And so it is said that there is a bean bag store over in Eastpoint Mall and Park Mall.

I don't want those with foam seeds inside, because those flatten out over time and it's too soft for my thick skin. I'd love my bean bag to be filled with REAL organic BEANS. So, just don't spill water on the bean bag, i suppose.

I resolve to pay them a visit at their odd opening hours.

Ok, back to work. Maybe more nonsense at a later time.

*** ***

I received an email with a series of "award winning" cartoon drawings. I am not sure if that's true but one thing's for sure, they're sure good at igniting dark feelings inside. Hmm.

Will be introducing these cartoons now and then. I apologize for not knowing where they come from and who the artists were.

Liberation... Not. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

midnight tom yam craving *.* (updated)

Hmpf. One of those dry periods. heehee.

Anyway. I wish I could just have a PURE one week break. My work is never ending, i am drowning.
I guess i am paying for the 4 month break i had. But golly, the pace is driving me nuts now. I am not keeping up with the usual expectations.

I need to plan my time better, stop procrastinating, blog less, pray before i start my work.

Not sure if it's me or my workout, but i think my body needs to be shocked into an intense exercise stint.
The running isn't scoring much and swimming is... Is... Ok, that part is complicated.

*** ***

OmniMax oh here i come,
Here i come, Yes it's me!
OmniMax oh here i come,
Cos I wassa good girl today!

(to the tune of "This is the Way i ... Early in the morning!!!")

All right, all right, my primary school memories are coming back and influencing my otherwise dignified and graceful self.


*jo grabs her colourful sling-across-the-chest-type of-water-bottle, ties hair in two pig tails and prances off to the Science Centre, complete with a silly grin*

Sunday, April 17, 2005

blearghh. (edited)

Note: Haloscan is not acknowledging comments again though there are new comments.

*** ***

Who would've thought that after you turn off your computer for the day/that moment after you blog, it actually becomes your last?

Who would ever think that your time on Earth would end tomorrow and who would've ever anticipated: i'm gonna/might die tomorrow.

We live our lives as we would every other day.
We're so used to having tomorrow come day after day, that we think it has become a "norm".

But who's to say that seeing all of tomorrow is a norm?

*** ***

There was a whole barrage of stuff i typed out but i really wasn't sure if it was appropriate for all readers. Hm...

So, private, it shall remain until maybe the next time i feel that i am absolutely convicted to publish it.

*** ***

It's so weird when you feel a certain way about something but shun and shield away from the very same thing.

Which is a totally opposite way to react! If you want something, you go after it.

In this case, i feel strongly about it.
BUT, i fear it, i run away and i repress and repress.

Bad, run away. Good also run away.


I think... i have decided, for now, to keep it to myself.
There. I have thus lost the battle. He shall never know.

Uhm... Hm... Err... Uh...
Dang, have i decided or not.

Only time will tell.

It has been blissful, but you do not see it.
I might've treated you as normally as it gets.
It might look like i don't feel anything, but that's just...
A protective mechanism.

Oh, if only you knew.

Till Then.
*to not see you when the world has passed... is a nightmare*

Saturday, April 16, 2005

and he left.

Note: Haloscan is not behaving. So, please try clicking anyway, to reach the commentary box even if it doesn't show that there are any new comments.

*** ***

I didn't know him as a personal friend, but i remember those times when my classmate and i would be having to mark his general paper test paper every now and then during GP lessons, in ACJC.

And we both would be laughing our posteriors off at remarkably funny answers he puts when he doesn't write the correct answer in the blank.

I didn't know him by face, but i knew him by name.

I read his blog, always anticipating those hilarious posts. Liberal with his expression and hilarious, when he points out the dysfunctional side to things in life.

Reading someone's blog is like having the person speak to you, defying time and space.

But now that he is gone, that earthly defying no longer holds.

Hearing of his sudden passing came as a shock. A bike accident, it was.

The whole darn thing is surreal. That this person who was so full of life, so full of wit, so loud... Is actually gone from this place.
It was too odd that in the last post, just before he died, he mentioned about wanting to get a new bike.
He is never going to get to ride his new bike.

His death is so sudden, it is almost rude.

Whenever i see his blog address and when i click on the link knowing full well what awaits...
It's like he has never left... since his last post was written quite recently.

But as the days pass, his last blog entry will remain... at that date. And it won't be changing.
He won't be updating anymore.
And the reality of his passing, will hit you painfully.

Like a friend mentioned about his friend's blog: "His ORD counter will keep going on... (count down to his ORD date)"

But he no longer will see the light of that day. Not on this Earth.

There is a lot i want to say about this.

But my head is in a jumble.

Although we don't know each other... Alfian, it's really sad that you've left.

*** ***

While going through some of the papers from days past, i also found out that a relative of a family church friend died in a bike accident too. Goh Jingwei, is his name.

I felt a chill come over me when picturing what he went through. Losing control of his bike, getting flung off and then getting mauled by a bus.
All this just moments before reaching his home.

People... Please take care of yourselves. I don't care if you travel by bike, car, bicycle, lorry, pick-up or afoot.
Please. Please... Don't take risks.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

*ZZ, ZZ.*

you again?
aye? It's not...? then?

Talk about elation duddette...

*** ***

I had the first worship band practice last night.
One verdict: I am going to buy ear plugs. PRONTO.

And i hear (WOW I CAN STILL HEAR!) that that wasn't considered loud already. The other drummer (our own band drummer. the one last night was standing in for someone) is the one who's going to deafen us before our time to get "rightfully" deaf.

*whimper* I'm still young and my ears have a lot of future! :<

And, MAN!!! Those people are TALENTED.
I can just go on and on about each of their strong points. :-DDDDD
Well done, you guys!
And the entertainment was good too. Muah hahahaa.

Oh, and since the other keyboardist wasn't around, i had the chance to tinkle along with the band. Yay...
But i guess it won't always be that way.

I couldn't hear myself on the synthesizer but i could faintly hear myself on the digital piano. (because i was closer to the amplifier, DUH.)
I tell you, drums and guitars overrule everything else.

I don't know how a synthesizer adds to the dynamics lor, so i just played as i saw fit.

But always willing to learn of course. Man, i am going to need to buy/borrow a lot more Christian music to get the hang of the rhythm, background sounds and yada yada ya.


Oh, and ear plugs.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

tug of war (updated again)

I am not in a bad mood. It's just one of those joyful yet frustrating moments in time.

*** ***

In the heat of runaway emotions, i wrote a barrage of stuff, but now, i shall just cut it short.

Words. Curiousity.
Playing around with words and snippets of curiousity.
The little dance is so... terrorizing.

Oh the thought, oh the temptation.
To say it or not?

How DO, how CAN i say it?
I was never one to. For me it's usually done the... erm... normal way.
"Yes, you first."

Perhaps that's why, in this battle, i'm probably going to lose. Because i cannot give up a part of me.
Such terrible pride.

It's my own little demise, all because of pride.
Such terrible pride.

*** ***

Was doing a little research when i came across THIS (a video on "training") and i am HORRIFIED.
Click on this to go to the website.

I don't know the authenticity of this, but i just felt that i NEEDED to put this up.


"...Becky was forced to perform on an infected foot. and limped slowly and painfully, while they jabbed her and yelled at her to get her going..."

The world is a huge place so i am also inclined to believe that these things may not be too far from the truth or may be the very truth itself.

Oh Lord... how could people be so cruel?

*** ***

Listening to: Finding Nemo OST
Feeling: Like the Duracell Bunny running on unlimited battery life

*** ***

random rambles...

Since i made the decision to join the worship (music) ministry in church...

Tonight, i will be joining one of the church's worship bands as an understudy. I think all i'll be doing is observing.
I think that's ok for about a month or 2, but for 3 months? I think not.
That's way too much idling.

*shrug* Whatever. Let's just see how it goes.


I have always admired how some girls did their make-up so they get this Smokey Eyes look. *oooo lala!*
And... I am proud to say that i have found how to do it! *YAYYAYAYAYA!!!*

But, all things must come down to pure reality. My eyes are ALREADY dark on the lower lid, that any more black eyeliner and you'll be getting something that looks fresh out from one of your worst nightmares instead.

Not to mention that i also wear glasses (to be fair, they are semi-funky glasses ok!) and am too freaked to wear contacts, i foresee that going smokey eyed might just be the joke of the day for any random person on the bus/mrt/street.

Looks like i gotta just keep to my usual then. Me is black eye shadow and mascara person. ON UPPER LID ONLY... PERIOD.
It's not goth k? It's just a ditch effort to optically enlarge my tiny eyes.


Can someone say D-O-N-E?

All right, that's over doing it. I only have a coupla days before it's back to the same old grind. I better go do my math.

I need to interview MOTHERS with kids under 6 now for the next assignment and do a report.
MORE intensive, confusing cognitive psych report experimental thingy.

Aye, not easy one ok? Very time consuming and must be professional one hor.

This is too much.
I am going to go insane.

This will make good reality TV.

Believe me, i am thinking things that you don't want to hear.

But on the other paw, i know that my GOD IS WITH ME. He will grant me strength to restart the Duracell Bunny mode.

I have my bull headedness (which reminds that i haven't eaten in about 11 hours) despite all my, erm, pitiful, attention-seeking complaints. (aw, cut me a little slack won't you)

Being a bull head sure helps.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

My mom used to tell me... (warning: bo liao-fied post) Edited.

that we might have some Japanese blood.


Not that i really believe her because of some time frame mismatches.

Nevertheless, my mom looks Japanese and even had people ask her if she was.
Plus, she had people SPEAK to her in Japanese. By mistake.

Oh, how nice.

Not that i want to make fun of my momma because i respect her, but i gotta admit that when she goes out sometimes, she looks like some Japanese tourist. Honest, i promise.
Somehow, this strange Japanese tourist dress sense pops out and to say the least, i feel... embarrassed.

The passe, on-the-long-side white socks with her track shoes, fair skin, funny all around brim hat (fisherman/archer's hat?)
All she needs to complete the ensemble is a Nikon camera slung around her neck.

And so, in true "like mom like daughter" fashion, Gah... recently, i had a strange bout of craving for Japanese food!

Make no mistake! It's uncooked, packet Chawanmushi. Posted by Hello

Current Fixation. This is powdered green tea with milk, which you either add cold or hot water to. A pretty nice concoction if i may say so. It smells like green tea ice cream. Uhm! Uhm! Posted by Hello

Like i said. This is really bo liao ok?

I told myself: if you got nothing to blog about, DON'T.
But i don't often listen to myself. Gee.

Feeling under accomplished. I was at the gym and i wish that that lady had NOTICED me looking at the treadmill in all my unabashed longing.

This was the same lady who brought a child down to the gym (hello? GROSSLY UNDERAGED OK!?) and made her play by herself while she treadmilled away.
And i don't think that child's play should include viciously kicking the exercise ball.

And then there was this other lady. Champion already.

Ok, in our gym, there're 2 treadmills. Apparently, that day, one of them had a "Temporarily Out of Order" sign on it. Any normal human being who can read english and comprehend its meaning would know that it should not be used lest it explodes.

okok, not explode lah, but you know, you might further spoil it.

But this superb lady came in and used it anyway.
And mind you, the perfectly fine, other treadmill wasn't in use.

She REMOVED the sign and began pressing the buttons to start up.
I suspect that the machine wasn't really spoilt but rather was on maintenance.


On the other hand, i should thank her because this means new machines. And new is good. That's how we got a spanking NEW NAUTILUS Multi Station one. ME LURVE MUCH.

But i, the civil, the understanding, the all accepting and all loving Being shall be quick to concede that maybe:

- she doesn't know how to use the other one
- she cannot read english.
- she is used to the usual routine and anywhere out of that, her brain would burst from over exertion.
- she just... has a healthy/unhealthy obsession with the Cateye treadmill
- she sees Sadako on the other treadmill.
- and maybe more that i, the NOT all knowing however, have not thought of.

HOWEVER, if she is perfectly "normal" by any standards, then all i can say to people like these is that...:

You people ought to be shot.

*** ***


I am addicted to mr brown and all his brown-ed subjects. They are seriously wickedly funny.
AH! Humour i finally appreciate.
Though the reads come liberally littered with profanities. (but not so much mrbrown though)

Listening to: The Titanic OST
(i know... like, "hur?!")

Don't know, i just decided to pick it up and take a listen. You see, i bought the CD in secondary school but only paid attention to Track 14. (yes, yes, the Celine Dion song)
So, the instrumental bits went unnoticed. But well, now the opposite is true.

Yay, orchestral music.

Till Then.
*looks like my NUA week is not quite... in order* *pout* :<

Sunday, April 10, 2005

wanting while waiting

Why did i dream of you?

It's because i've been thinking of you. But i want it to stop.

Despite what has been said, it doesn't make sense.

Get lost, you. For it shall never be.

*** ***

Enigma, you are. You come and go.
Never daring to overstep the line, i remain far away from you.
But you fill me with wonder and maybe more.
I fear the things you see might push you away. Again.
If it ever did, that is.
Or was it just pure whim on your part and nothing to do with me?
Nevertheless whatever the reason, i don't want that to happen.
It was lost but now is found.

But i know that if something about you doesn't change, i can only live in my dreams.

Which i do, but only for a few seconds.

*** ***

And now... for something more direct.



ok, i know... this is a hopeless attempt.

*** ***

The sky is an almost cloudless blue. It's hot, oh so fiery hot. I love every bit of this insane weather.
People complain about the heat, but i am a sucker for it.

When it comes to extreme heat or the extreme lack of heat, I can tahan the former better.
How about you?

Oh... how i wish i was a free human today.
Why, oh why... i want to be at the outdoor range getting a hot, stinging sunburn.

My bow, my arrows! I have not seen either one of you for two weeks!

I bet my tutor is having fun. So much fun that he hasn't seen his student's email.

*** ***

i love this. makes me feel calm inside. Posted by Hello

love this one too. taken during dinner at the Esplanade. It was actually an accidental discovery on what the modes of the camera could do. Posted by Hello

this spoke wordlessly to me Posted by Hello

my slavedriver cum makeshift husband Posted by Hello

his favourite perch. one of my favourite pictures of him. yeah, posted this one before.  Posted by Hello

This's all for now.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

late night conversation with Jed

By the way, do not read this article by Mr Brown if you currently have a full bladder.

*** ***

Ok, i am not just convinced that my dog is a first class spoilt brat, but i am also now convinced that he is part humanoid.

A little background info:

When everyone goes to sleep, he usually cuddles with either me or my sis, depending on who sleeps first.
(this is possible only when no one puts him back into his pen, which he does not particularly love)

His favourite way to go when he cuddles with his human to sleep, is:
body snuggled hard against his human and ALWAYS under the blanket.
A-L-W-A-Y-S under the BLANKET.

And so...:

On this cold and windy friday night cum saturday morning as i am doing my essay, Jed comes to the dining table where i am seated with my lappie and hanging eye bags that brush the keyboard, and does his:

(he does this by standing on his hind legs and placing both his front paws on the arms of the chair and stretches his body while shooting those messages through his eyes. yes, eyes that speak every word i just mentioned)

You see, everyone has closed the room doors so he has no access to sleeping human being and he's not allowed on the master bedroom bed.

So i get up and look at him and ask:
"Ok, what do you want?"

Jed's eyes told me: coming to bed? coming to bed? coming to bed? please oh please?

He walks a little in the direction of my room and so i half follow half lead him there.
Eventually we both land up on my bed.

He hopped onto my bed and ok... i get the idea.

So I had to fashion my bolster into a little C-shape thing so he could cuddle against it and i made sure he was nicely settled (after doing his ritual -round and round and round- trampling thing that dogs do) before i covered him with my blanket.

And so he sleeps there content. Well, content lah. Till some dumb thing fell over and woke him up.


Fancy a little non human being having the capacity to ask me to sleep so he can snuggle up, or if i cannot, well, it least make him happy by making it nice and cushy for him to sleep.

Aye, i can speak with my dog one ok? He's like my hubby already loh.

He has sure learnt something in his little doggy existence with us.

*** ***

I don't know if it's Saddam Hussein or me that is feeling more concussed right now.

Are university students always THIS deprived of sleep for almost 70% of their lives?!?!??!
Or is it just me. Please. Tell me.
It's been 18 hours and counting.


Thursday, April 07, 2005

one undying love.

As a kid, i used to pick up tunes from others, think up of melodies (sometimes, i'd fit words in them), and figure out the notes on the piano. I knew my parents used to be happy about that because at one time, i was tinkling away and i hadn't had lessons yet.

But i never really did anything fanciful or avant-garde. Heh.

Music has always been something i can identify with, something, i never grew out of. Though i might go through a time of not banging on the keys, the pulse is always there inside.
Music is something i always return to and i'm glad that i have my piano readily available, at my fingertips. (literally. *grin*)

I'm no Abigail Sin, but i am sure i incline more towards the musical side than i do academics.

Learning new chords at keyboard lessons and i am eeee--laaay--teerdd...

Finally learning those chords that i so often hear at service but never really got to play.

I just love it when i am going through a song and i happen to play something "wrong". And so i hit the "wrong" key but it ends up sounding really good.

I hear music. Playing in my head.
Jazzy music, notes... unfolding themselves in my head.
But i can't seem to reproduce them out on the piano! Urgh. Frustrating.

The only thing that separates me from composing is the know how and that extra skillful spark.

I used to be able to hear orcheatra/band kind of music playing in my head, yes, own compositions. I can hear the different parts that the different sections play.
I've never reproduced them and i don't hear it anymore.
Guess it's because band music isn't making itself known to me at the moment in my life though i still am a sucker for it.

If i wanted though, i think all i'll need is a little quiet space to close my eyes and feel... And i think it'll slowly return.

I miss those days. Hmm... My alto saxophone. I misss you...

*** ***

One of these days, i am going to give in to the call and drown my hair in colour chemicals.


wishful thinking? (edited)

Your dating personality profile:

Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.
Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.
Conservative - You take a conservative stance on most issues and aren't shy about saying so. Your political views are an important component of who you are.
Your date match profile:

Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Traditional - You need someone who is a bit old-fashioned. A person with traditional values and beliefs will perfectly compliment your lifestyle.
Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps her body in top shape.
Your Top Ten Traits

1. Religious
2. Athletic
3. Conservative
4. Adventurous
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Traditional
7. Practical
8. Intellectual
9. Big-Hearted
10. Funny
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Practical
2. Traditional
3. Athletic
4. Big-Hearted
5. Religious
6. Adventurous
7. Outgoing
8. Intellectual
9. Conservative
10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

*** ***

They sure got some things right. Religious (!!!), Practical, Traditional (!!!), Intellectual (!!!), Athletic(!!!) and... Sensual (:D!!!). *hoo hoo*

Nevertheless, I don't know if it's me, but do i smell a rat running around this test thing?

I am curious to know as to how they come up with this "match".

Question: why throw in this "big-hearted" thing. Odd.

*** ***

The little moth didn't know what it wanted. It flew around, transiently as it usually does, landing softly and betraying as it left.
It didn't look like it'd find its true destination.

And well, since it was a moth and moth's don't change. What was a moth to do?
Transiently fly around.

The little loser.

*** ***

Till Then.
*jia you! not in my strength but in Yours*

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

one down

Haloscan is not behaving at the moment. Not registering comments when there are, it is.

*** ***


*flashes a frenzied 'V sign' on each hand and dances around and around the dining table*

One essay down! I haven't done my editing yet. Which might later on prove to be slightly more daunting than just taking words off. But still...
I am free to start on the next essay.


I regret sitting down in front of the telly for 10 minutes when the Korean drama serial that my mom is watching is on.
Drat. I find myself sneaking looks and listening in on the dialogue even when it's in MANDARIN.

Give the girl a cranberry drink, won't cha.

*** ***

Once i settle these essays, i am going to get me a new pair of ring earrings, since Jed took the liberty to chew one side from the old pair i had.
But i am still going to go asymmetrical. :-) I prefer not wearing the same earring on both sides.

And hopefully, i can get a nice crucifix necklace too while i am at it.

(somehow, "nice" and "crucifix" don't quite *sound* like they fit together nice and cushy next to each other, though i know that the cross is indeed a wonderful thing. I guess it just reminds me of lynching any generic someone and that is not nice. ah, anyhoo.)

Oh and i am going to make 100% sure that i treat myself to an omnimax theatre show next week. And no one, i repeat no one (glances meaningfully at her) is going to stop me.

Ah... the reliving of primary school memories.
Now... if i can just make sure i get to the right place.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

i've been sleeping on my chair and sometimes on my bed... again.

And that sick old man with his stun gun is at it again at the back of my brain.

Well, i asked for it. He's just doing his job.


When there was this big brouhaha about China rising up to become another superpower, there was this rush to go back to studying Mandarin.
And i thought i had heard the last of it in JC... But No...

"See lah? Never learn your Mandarin properly. Now, you see? China is coming up. How to get job if you cannot speak Mandarin?"

So now India is rising too leh. How now brown *ow?
Shall i go troop myself off to learn their various mother tongues too?

*** ***

I MUST poke fun at the Miss Singapore Universe Pageant.

I think i can make big bucks if i come up with the VERY FIRST OF ITS KIND:
"Miss Singapore Universe Questions--THE TEN YEAR SERIES."

*muaha hahahaa*

I was watching the top ten finalists answer their questions and not only do i think that the questions they were given were HOPELESSLY LAME AND SO UNINTELLIGENT, they seem to be suspiciously... recycled.

So much for creativity.

Well, if the finalists were so scared, serious and brain frozen, ok, i don't fully blame them if they came up with equally lame and unintelligent answers.

For the other 5% reason that i am laughing at them for, they could at least give some smart aleck, off kilter quip to balance out a lousy question.

I laughed out loud whe one of them answered EXACTLY AS IF someone was asking her to name all the ministers in our cabinet, or as if someone was asking her what a mitochondria is and what it functions as.

Sorry. I. Must. Poke. Fun. At. Money. Wasting. Pageants.

If you noticed. This year, the girls ALL HAVE THIS STEREOTYPICAL BEAUTIFUL LOOK.
(not a totally bad thing of course. aye, a friend of mine was a finalist ok... and i have to say that she IS beauiful.)

Last year everyone was complaining that the girls all looked like "aunties", "ah lians" and other rather unflattering forms of existence.

But i would say that they at LEAST "celebrated" beauty that comes in different forms. Though they may not look like your usual on-screen hottie, they were beautiful, albeit in the unstereotyped way.

But THIS YEAR... They all look like they are sisters from a humongous family from some distant farm where large families are favoured.

Anyway, i think our winner this year is beautiful lah. I think... she's a vet? FWAH!
If i'm not wrong about that, she gets MY VOTE!

What's more. I thought the filming of the last bit was so... hopeless. Did you notice how anti-climax the ending was?
When she was crowned and walked off after receiving the goodies (ie, flowers, crown and little plastic/glass/crystal thingy), the camera DIDN'T EVEN TRAIL AFTER HER.

Usually, there would be this glorified catwalk that the winner will do across the stage you know?

Complete with the hand waving and frozen stiff smile, and everyone's eyes and attention will be upon her, including the home viewers'. But no...

She simply walked right off the field. Like... DOH?! And the show itself ended so abruptly. There wasn't enough crying, bitching, kissing, zooming in on the winner, zooming in on Sandy Chua...

Ah, then again. Watching the news on time is a better option.

Oh, and if the winner is reading this... Can i have your Canon camera? Pretty please? I did say that you are beautiful! And i would go so far as to say (honestly too!) that you remind me of FANN WONG! WOO!


HOW COME SINGAPORE GOT NO MANHUNT ONE HAR? (ok lah, but got Cleo Most Eligible Bachelor but... OEI! Show us the beefcakes leh.)


Friday, April 01, 2005

Rhema Effect

A word of thanks to every single one of you who showered your concern through your comments and smses.
Words cannot fully convey how grateful i am towards all of you. All i can say is... Thank you.

You have been my beacon of light.


*** ***

Sat at the piano today initially feeling that itch for the white and black keys. Started out wanting to churn around some creative juices but in the end, things ended on quite a different note. (pun... intended)

I was flipping quite randomly through the file of songs for something i knew the tune of well enough so i could experiment.

And then, i came across this fateful song... titled "I want to Sing."

The second i started, i knew something specific was happening... :

I want to sing (yes, i was singing as i was playing. It helps me focus on the words)

Until i am lost on your love. (at this point, dwelling in God's love, was the only thing that i have been craving for in the last few days. and this struck a chord. ok, another pun intended)

Till i am found in your presence (when i was worshipping God, i wanted to dwell where He was. I wanted HIM.)

Worshipping before your throne. (i wanted to be just where He was.)

Filled with Your Spirit

Entering into your flow (Yes... i wanted to to fill that angry and empty void in me with His love and Holy Spirit.)

How precious these moments

Lord i want you to know. (Enough said)

It's You, You who have won my heart. (Out of all the people in the world, NONE can compare to what you did and can do in my heart. My Lord, you are exclusive.)

Taken me into your arms

Comforted me like a friend. (this touched me deeply because, in all my strivings and whenever my inner being hits a wall... my Lord is always there for me. He's there to hold me, to love me. When no one else does.)

Your love surrounded me from the start

I never want to be apart

From you ever again. (I felt so far off BECAUSE I walked so far off. It was my own doing. And i never want to be alone and away from Him.)

*** ***

The whole song, EVERY LINE OF IT, held such personal significance and specificity.
Every line spoke out of what my heart was feeling and what i wanted to tell my Lord.

Because of the situation i am going through, everything made perfect sense.

The whole experience was so deep. I found myself crying at the keyboard but playing the song as tenderly as i could, meaning every word i said, to the Lord.

So, i refuse to remain in my darkness.

I am a new creation in my Lord. In Him, there is Light.

In Him, i am set free.