Monday, January 31, 2005

Behold... the power of...

The sun was REALLY all red. But it doesn't show up here. Posted by Hello

Gorgeous sun rays Posted by Hello

Cell's ECP outing. Pretty photo right? Posted by Hello

Now, isn't this nice? *beam* Ok, this is one example of a Beautiful Horror. Posted by Hello

the Sony Ericsson k700i!!!

YES! I was shocked myself too when i realized that my little handy device could actually take photos of this kind of caliber. It's not PERFECT, but i never thought the photos could have the potential to look this good.


And yes, i am a happy girl. I finally got my bluetooth dongle/adaptor. Yes, you didn't hear incorrectly, the technophobe has done it again!

Ok, i know it isn't a big deal but i am glad i had the motivation enough to get this, so i am now envisioning the possibilities.

Think i'll be back a little later.


I came very close to splitting one of my beautiful new arrows. *screams*

So close, that the black carbon colour of the incoming arrow got rubbed off on the other arrow's white fletching. *shiver*

There were a few other close shaves when arrows landed right next to each other, shaft against shaft. Scary.

There would be this "ka-chack" sound and you think, "ah. shoot, i am not liking that sound..."

But that aside, some were oxymorony: beautiful horrors. *smile*
Once i get my bluetooth adaptor/dogle, you shall see what i mean.

I have yet again opened another all-in-one ugly cut and bruise on my left arm with my bowstring. It's purple and gross but fascinating to look at.
Morbid i know. Heh.

My left arm, the part around the inner elbow, is riddled with scars.

It's all part of the game. Learning, practicing, getting whacked, learn somemore, workout, get stronger, make changes, etc.

I love archery.

*** ***

I went and got myself involved in our church's tertiary camp planning as a committee member. I am in charge of publicity and leisure. *round eyes*

Everyone, LAUGH!

Not too long ago, i was complaining about how i felt so different and left out. I still feel that way, but i've decided that i will bite the bullet, shelve my shyness, and garang da garang go out and make my presence known and help out in ways i can and so ultimately get to know the people in church more.
And hopefully, live a life of fruitfulness, not just for myself, but for the body of Christ.

Bracing myself for a super PR pushing time. Go Jo.

*** ***

NUS archery tournament coming up! To join or not to...? 70m ok... sure die one.
But neh mind, join for fun lor. Shoot for fun.
At 70m, who can see? Except for those with the binos.

Maybe later.
Horizontal meditation device is calling, beckoning, whispering to me with such enchanting tenderness that i am going to go slump in it and call it a day.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


*Replies're in the usual places. :-)


From now on, i will be saving a few dollars because of the termination of that silly toto service and BBRR thingy that a certain phone service provider offers.
Useless things, i tell you. The lot continue to charge you till you've decided that you've had enough.

Gee, things are never as wonderful as you see on the surface. It's money all around. Bah.

Looks like my holidays are drawing to a close, now that the collection of course materials, aka textbooks, will be trawled in.
I have to say a huge thank you in advance to a kind soul with the 4 wheels.

I remember that during last year's book collection, i had to go all by my lonesome to school and back home, with 4 UNforgiving "sacks" of books and CD and VCDs. To compound the adventure, it had to rain like nobody's business.

As a result, i had vowed that the next time round, i'd rent an uncle and his lorry to bring me home.

So, now you see how thankful i am, though i do honestly feel that i can (i think) manage.
Nevertheless, thanks. :-D

I am feeling positive about this year's modules because they both sound mighty interesting. Ok, maybe on the surface, but hey, i am up for the challenge.
Child Development and Cognitive Psychology.

Sounds little but since both courses run throughout the year, they are going to go in pretty deep, i think. More on that once i get to devour the books tomorrow.

(ok, that was way too positive, but hey, i have to get into this reading frame of mind eh? Encourage self..., encourage self... I must come up with a personal mantra.)


I am still in the midst of trying to figure out what to do. And how to do it tactfully. And soon.

Is my heart unable to love fully and truly now since it has been punctured, torn and scarred once?
Feels like it.

Or perhaps i just haven't come face to face with whatever that REALLY makes me tick.
Maybe i have become harder to please now. I think that's true. *nods to self*

What to DO? What to dooo...?

I cannot let this drag on, it does no one no good.

My studies takes precedence over everything now. I think that even if the Tick Inducer comes along right about now or anytime when my studies is at a crucial point, he's going to have to wait till i get my paper.

I cannot live through another, "STUDIES COME FIRST, DROP THIS NOW! OR ELSE!" and live under the bondage of fear through my years in school. No, no. No way.

*** ***

In the meantime, i need to decide on what EXACTLY it is that i want to do in life. For life.

Right now, these are what i have in mind:
- Policewoman
- Psychologist in the Psychological Unit
- Paramedic in the SCDF
- Teacher.

It's going to be a journey of discovery as i continue with my studies.

You know, ever since that day when i saw 2 civil defence vans zoom by, i had it in my head that i wanted to be a paramedic sometime.
And more so when i came across this SCDF brochure not long after.

About a day ago too, i witnessed a minor-ish car accident unfold right before me. (no accident is pleasant but at least no one was hurt. The only vehicle involved was the accident vehicle)

Feeling the need to run over to help, i went over to see what i could do. Thank goodness no one was hurt.

Apparently, this lorry-like thing was braking as it tried to stop at the traffic light. As a result, it skidded, swerved sideways and toppled over to its side. Mounted a bit of the curb. But there was no pedestrian walkway, so, thank God.

Quite a dramatic sight, i must say.

The thing that struck me was, you never know when something so simple, so ordinary, can turn into something a lot more devastating.
I was just reflecting upon how the lorry, ok, people, got itself/themselves into its predicament and realized that, gee.

All it was trying to do was, BRAKE.
It wasn't as if the lorry was going at a breakneck kind of speed. It looked pretty normal enough.

And just by doing something as simple and normal as braking, you can get yourself into a fix and potentially die.

In other words, things can happen so unpredictably. A simple act/occurence can turn out to be deadly.

So if let's say someone takes a walk along a walkway parallel to the road with his back facing the forward flow of traffic, if some car decides to go berserk, then...
Sayoonara Sir.

It's like how those few people got killed just because they were standing at the traffic light along the road, or, just because they were standing at the bus stop.


Something so mundane, can turn out so fatal when some freak turn of event happens.

We can die, any time.

Have you found what your life is about?

Oh yes, so i was saying...
What do i want to be when i graduate. I honestly don't know which i will incline towards to now. But i will, when the time draws nearer.

Or when God shows me the path which i must take. Be it something totally and radically different.

Why these few jobs? I think i'll talk about that the next time around.

Till Then.
*Politics is my worst enemy. -Cringe-*

Monday, January 24, 2005

Feeling: foul



*** ***

I need to read. I'd like to read.
But ever since the advent of "to pass you jolly well need to read", i have ceased reading even as a pastime since i would've had enough from the textbooks.

I lack the patience to read and i no longer find joy in relishing a good plot printed on bound dead trees.
I see no need to entertain myself with a book.

Instead of being the joy it once was to me, once upon a donkey's time, it has become a pain.

I don't just need it, i WANT it. But the irony is, i don't like it.

*bangs head on the wall*

And my engrish is hor, going down the kichi dark hole.

I realize that it has become more difficult to articulate my thoughts, my feelings. I dismiss the effort being simply saying, "aiya, dunno how to say." when i could've jolly well done so, long before this intellectual slump.

My standard of english has deteriorated (did i spell that right? this is miserably pathetic) to such a sad low level, too low for someone of my age. I wanted to say "caliber" as well, but even that, is a bleeding joke now.

It is not just my language, but also my attitude towards a task or challenge. I no longer want to lead, i no longer want to seize the bull by the horns.
I seem to have become a lazy thing of some lame existence.

I seem to have no drive, no will to summon effort towards completion or perfection. Whatever.

This has got to change. I have got to be more diligent. Get back the old spirit.

NEED TO exercise this languishing grey matter.

Does anyone have any good stuff to recommend to this 7-year-old-brained-20-year-old?

Till Then.
*BBDC, the flu bug and a particular "friend" made a VERY nasty, nasty, nasty girl out of me today. -flashes fangs and unsheathes claws- *

Sunday, January 23, 2005

The last few days were.

All righty~!

I had an eventful long weekend. Not that it would be of much interest i guess but yeah, woohoo! I had fun.

In celebration of two of our cell members' birthdays, we held a bbq at my place on thursday and although it was a little messy-ish here and there, still, with the right attitude, the atmosphere was one of good spirited fellowship. Lurrvely.

Some mates stayed over at my place overnight, and then we made our way to the coast the next morning. I have to say that the weather has recently been absolutely freaking beautiful and i think i need to make the last ditch effort to make the best of it. School's starting the minute i get my textbooks. Which is... this coming week.

I've to admit that i don't quite know the people in my cell very personally. But yet.

A group of people put together by circumstance, somehow accept each other as we are, look after one another and in the midst of it all, have loads of fun together.

But there is one thing we all share in common, that is, we are all bound together by one belief, one God, one Saviour, one Great Love.

On two army groundsheets, we sat around and played card games (very enjoyable screaming away), had lunch and chitty chatted. Following which, we (very surprisingly, the people who don't know how to blade much, and that includes me) decided to take the plunge and go rent blades.

I didn't think we'd last that long, but once we started, we couldn't stop! While other bladers glided by us at the beginners' corner, we tottered about trying to grasp the basics of blading straight, turning and stopping.
Loved it! My cell leader's the pro among us so well, he beelined off somewhere else after teaching a friend, a total freshie, how to blade.

My cell mates are a pleasure to be with. ALthough ok, at times come instances when the talk exhausts, leaving either one wondering if the conversation should or could proceed on to a deeper more personal level.

One thing i have a problem with is, being Christians and all that, the cell people seem to always "act" in this "nice person, kind person" way, such that i can never really see their true colours. Or tell what kind of person they are, or analyze their characters/personalities.

Everyone seems to be on their best behaviour such that everything seems a little too neat... Like, Pleasantville or something.

I know that we should all aspire to be like Christ in thought, deed and speech.
But then, it becomes too perfectly shaped, casted, moulded.

I don't know about you, but that seems like a very strange thing to say, i realize.
*raises brow*

Although I suppose it makes life more pleasant, provides a more accepting and warm atmosphere, i really do wonder, what's beyond all that.
Who are they really?
Stop the visage.

That said, i'd rather bask in a warm, friendly, nice, genuinely-trying-to-be-like-Christ embrace from God's people, than receive an unaccepting and hypocritical thorned embrace.

On saturday, our cell did ushering for the first time and it was a very interesting job. I liked the fact that i had a lanyard hanging around my neck with a nice bright "USHER" label inside.
I felt like i was someone important, with a duty to carry out. Heehee...
Not all ushers get it good, but at least, i had fun giving out welcome packs to newcomers and making sure the offering bag gets passed around right.


And on sunday... My club had a mini competition, a fun/novelty shoot for just our members. 18 people took part, most being new members in the archery scene. Haha.
Well, it costs each person $10 to participate. And i grin... because...

I didn't just get my cash back, but also made a profit... *grin*
Ok, ok, 5th placing la. But that, TRUST ME, does not mean a thing.

I didn't do it alone of course. :-) Thanks doode! (if you are reading this, now that you made the discovery. hoho.)

I am a happy camper.
Eh, archer, i mean.

I want to befriend our new and younger pool of archers. I know how it feels to be left out from the in-group, in this case, the "veteran" archers. I know how it feels to look on with longing, hoping to be "one of the guys". To laugh along, smile along, WITH the group and not smile sadly inside.
So, i want to reach out to them and let them feel integrated and feel welcomed.

Glad to say that i managed to talk briefly to a few of them.
And i get so EXCITED, when i think about forming our own ACS (Archery Club of Singapore) Youth Team.
So that the next time a national competition comes around, we can all arrive in style and in one united group!

Unlike the pathetic time that ACS sent just the 3 of us (2 compound archers and 1 recurve) to the National Shoot last december.

*** ***

It's been a little tricky around here lately and it's all my fault. I am going to need to cut off some areas in my life, and end the complications for good. It don't do no one no good, nor meself any.

I need to sit down and search myself, ask God.

I freak at the first implication of getting into a relationship. When can i be free from this bondage?
I think i will be, once my parents stop being so uptight about me being with someone of the other gender.
With that gone, i think i would be more receptive towards relationships.

Aside from that, i need to deal with my own fear, my own insecurities, my own self consciousness, my own pride, my own faults.

When will someone truly sweep me over?

It's been a while since the last time. And i definitely haven't been bowled over just yet.

...... Though, there is this lovely lovely line that touched my ears and heart recently. :-) *swoon*

You know? I think every guy should GO BUY A BOOK ON MANNERS.

To be fair, i admit that i am not an expert at manners myself and i have more to learn and perfect too.

But well, this i must say.... Good, traditional, gentlemanly, manners and the all important Parental Approval are sure BIGGIES!

Till Then.
*i don't want to bust my new arrows. :-(*

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

My pweety new arrows *beam* I wuv you.

The arrow shaft. Model: Easton SuperLite A/C/C Posted by Hello

Nock end: Where you insert the bowstring. Posted by Hello

Ruby coloured nocks and white fletches. Posted by Hello

*** ***

Pictures first. Talk later.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Yay. Getting new arrows today.

I've discovered and yet again reinforced something about myself that i've known since i was a primary school going kid.
"Creativity" flows a lot better when i am working under pressure.

There's something about Lush 99.5.
When in my room, i can never get down to doing what i need to.
Too busy jiggying to the music.

When i'm out, i end up walking (sometimes attempting the catwalk) to the music, oblivious to the whole world who probably thinks i'm fresh out from the IMH for good behaviour.

Friday, January 14, 2005

feeling: goodish.

Blue, is the colour of her eyes.
So pure, so innocent, so clear, so fresh.
Imperfection? Not an atom.
Each gaze finds you lost in their very depths.
Her eyes, are windows into the Universe.

When the sun sets, her blue darkens, deepens yet.
Still yet, her eyes twinkle.
They sparkle, every moment an enchantment to the beholder.

She is her own.
Yet, she belongs to the world.

*** ***


1. Awful at first. But once you know the reason behind it, it becomes friendly, almost normal. Something even likeable.
It feels so natural, so comfortable. Like jigsaw pieces that fit together snugly.
But nothing tingly.

2. Intoxicating. Tingly. Exciting.

Is the difference determined by the kind of love one receives(or perceives to receive) OR, is it determined by the kind of love one(him/her) feels?

*** ***

Met up with a couple of secondary school friends. I've not seen one of them in yonks.
Had a great time with them, munching junk food (Though i ate most of it. There goes my initial gym session.) and catching up with them as well as getting the latest scoop on other friends.

Isn't it a beautiful thing to be in the company of friends whom you've known for years?
Seeing their familiar faces, hearing their familiar voices, seeing the familiar crinkling of their faces when we all laugh together.
Sniggering at their quips, that makes them, THEM.

Thank you Lord... For blessing me with them. :-)

*** ***

I'm leading worship tomorrow for cell group. ARRGGH! *look of immense fear*
Not that it's a bad thing but...

It'll be my first ever time that i am actually playing for a group of people to sing praise and worship songs and, to top it off, i have TO LEAD in WORSHIP. (ie., begin the praise and worship session with prayer, pray during worship, make the music and close the worship time with a prayer.)

Hello? Me?

*eep* *gulp*

I know... that i shouldn't do it in my on strength. But i should be open to the Holy Spirit's leading.
It's just that, i've never done anything like this, so i'm totally clueless.

Never mind.

Let's see what the Lord has in store, shall we.

Till Then.
*Greater are His thoughts, and His plans. In Him, i will trust.*

Thursday, January 13, 2005


You Are a Rottweiler Puppy

Powerful, smart, and protective.
You're eager to growl at anyone you hate - but you're a big sweetheart inside.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I have grey fingers.

My very lame attempt at sneaking a cake home without the birthday girl knowing. Sigh.
AS usual, the cake is now half alive. Same fate as with anything else that is entrusted into my care.

My friend says i have grey fingers.

I have come to believe it.

1. Trooped off like some commando king to CMT to buy a birthday present and collect the birthday cake. On the pretext that... "I am going out".

2. Brings it home, a la joline style. (a bit too chor lor for an innocent little baby cake)

3. Upon approaching home, stuffs cake into bag and carries it into home. Vertically. To avoid being seen with it.

4. Gets home only to realize that cake and box COULD NOT FIT into ICE BAG.


5. Scrambled around the kitchen looking for a good container: One that fits the cake and that fits into ice bag.

*while doing so, i have to admit i was chanting certain promises... and chanting "grant me Godspeed!"*

6. Found the prized container but it was being used.

7. Hurriedly emptied it of existing contents and... (now, joline is very gleeful finally) but...

8. Quickly opens the cake box, to discover, to my absolute freaking horror that the cake had slid to one side of the box and the strawberries were embedded in all the wrong places. And there was cream everywhere.

7. Screamed mentally.

8. Thinks, thinks.

9. Takes frying ladle and a big spoon. Scoops the well, cake, or this "thing" that is now the shadow of its former... self, into the container.

10. A length of cream gets shaved off while the cake, or well, the thing that barely resembles one, slid into the container.

11. Goes, "YIPPEE!!!" mentally.

12. Quickly washes utensils of all cream, clears up any evidence of cake and dashes upstairs with cake in container.

13. Grabbed ice packs in preparation for storage till tonight...

14. In my dressing table drawer. (Yes, you read that right. HEY! i lined it with newspaper ok!)

15. Shoves ice into ice bag with cake.

16. Realizes that the complete ensemble couldn't fit into the drawer.


17. Eyes darted around to find a bigger drawer and finally rested upon study table drawer.

18. Quickly empties out contents and does the necessary adjustments.

19. and... WALA!

I've got a makeshift fridge!

All done in total secrecy without being found out!
And mind you... Birthday Girl was a few paces away from the kitchen can.


Problem is... I'm going out tonight and no one's going to keep watch over it for me.

*** ***

I hate the word "chio bu". If i ever use that slimy word in any instance other than
in jest, PLEASE SLAP ME.

It's coarse and sounds mighty degrading for a decent female.

Might pop by later, or might not.

Sunday, January 09, 2005


I wonder what made me become so cynical even before i ever got involved with anyone.

What on Earth happened to me while i was a pink hairless blob cum money sucking organism?

The cynic is thinking: Would you question the depth of someone's feelings especially when he/she tends to like a different person every few months?

How can you trust?

Or is my usual "demanding and full of idealistic views to do with love" nature acting up again.

How am i any different from all those other girls?

Friday, January 07, 2005

I am available! (to help!)

Call me insane but...

I know i haven't got much time left before school starts, but i have been toying with the idea of being a volunteer for the mercy relief operations.

And so i go through the list of the kinds of people they need over there at Aceh and stuff. But sadly.

I am no doctor, no nurse, no driver, no translator, no psychologist/psychiatrist (yet)...

I feel so helpless, physically.
I realize that all i can do is, 1. PRAY, 2. DONATE, 3. Go PACK STUFF for the people.

Sure brings in memories of the missions preparation. During then, I didn't last very long where i was suppose to re-pack items into boxes. I instead did a lot better handling food to sell so that we could raise funds.
Though, i couldn't do the Ra-Ra thing. [I quote an original jingle (hohoho): "buy our fried rice! Very nice! Some people come back twice!"]

I left the ra-ra-ing for the more enthusiastic and outgoing youngster.

For once, i kick myself for not knowing how to DRIVE!


I shall hop away for now.

As for volunteering...
God shall guide my footsteps.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


I still want to be a policewoman.

*** ***

Anyway, On a completely different note.








I need to be strong, I need to be strong, I need to be strong!

It's wrong to want to **** ********* just because i am weak at this point.
(no, it's NOT take marijuana)

I must be strong. I've done this before.
Now do it again, i say.

Just because of one miserable person, you reel each time something happens over yonder.
Wake up your idea WOMAN!


Dilemma. And don't expect it to be coherent.

I am suppose to head down to the gym as usual to meet up with the team for the weekly workout. I know that there's some, if not, just teeny tiny bit of expectation and such over yonder.

I haven't been shooting for a month, neither have i joined the team for gym workouts, though i do gym by myself, following coach's instructions.

But i am thinking. Is it really worth it anymore? There was a time that i would go all ahead with it, no matter what it took.

And i have come to a point where i am considering dropping the idea of joining the
archery team entirely.

The SEA Games is at the end of this year. Coach had plans, hence, me.

But all that had come to naught because of a whole series of events last year.
If not for all that nonsense, i think i would be happily training already for the Games. (IF and only IF the compound bow event is restored again)


First up, i have my academic committment, which is number one, or you could say, on par with God, or serving in church (music ministry).

I know that there ARE people who can handle doing a whole array of activities, but knowing my own capabilities, i have to humble myself and agree that i am not one of those super achievers.

As much as i wish to tell myself otherwise.

I am going to apply for a transfer of program to do my straight honours in SIM. I've decided that i am just going to chiong all the way, whether or not i just get a merit(or whatever you call it, for the life of me i can't remember), third, second lower/upper or first class honours, it doesn't matter anymore.

But naturally, i aim to do all i can to achieve what i can, whatever that is within my capability, with God in the picture, of course.
That means that i am so going to have to put in that extra amount to see myself get those grades i want, and that coveted classification.

Then again, i am also going to apply into NTU this year to see if i can get a place in the new psychology course they'll be offering. I know i've a very slim chance but a chance not taken, is a 100% lost. Versus, if you try anyway.
So, why worry? Just do it.

Doesn't really matter, at this juncture, whether i get a place or not. I am trying not to hope too much or visualize myself there.

Because, it is God's decision, His Will that i abide by. Where He puts me, will be for the best.

However, if i do get in, that means more time invested into school, and less time for extra stuff, like comepetitive archery.
Though, recreational archer, i will remain.

Secondly, I have also made a committment to serve in church as a musician. Not a full fledged one, as i'm going to start off training first, going for lessons, learning from existing bands.

It's not just about making or playing music, but it's a ministry in itself. THere is a level of committment with my time as well.
We will be meeting up for prayer and things, growing in the spirit together.
Very much like a cell group setting.

There's also my family, my friends.

But you see, i can't have everything. I have to make sacrifices. If i really want to join the team, i have to train, show my face, give up some of the things i want, for a dream, just for the dream, to really happen.

Am i willing to make those sacrifices? What do i need to carve off? What CAN i carve off?
What DO I HAVE that is all right to shed?

It has always been my dream to represent my country in something. OBVIOUSLY, i cannot do anything that requires super brain power like some certain Physics King we ACJC people from my batch would know of.

No, no. I am not the academically inclined sort.

So, when i was given the opportunity, doing the sport i love, no less, i jumped at it, only to be stopped by some internal problems.

So, weigh, weigh, weigh, the situation, i must.

For now, i just have to decide whether... i should be down at Bishan.

Till Then.
*chin cupped in palms. think think.*

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Why i am not ready to have children. OR,
Why you should never leave your children with me, for even a minute.

At the Gym.

Child recklessly playing (but not severely) with the NAUTILUS weights (that i love) while his mother looks on.

Me: (watches him for a moment before turning to his mom)
I think you shouldn't let him play with the weights, he might spoil them.
Mother: Yeah, i know... RYAN!!!

Sigh. I should've said, "I think you shouldn't let him play with the weights, he might hurt himself."

Do you see how selfish i am? How unaware of the real dangers? I felt so bad after i blurted it out to her.
Stupid Joline.

*** ***

It can't be coincidence. After the morning's devotion, i turned on the computer onto msn. And lo and behold.
Someone i've not seen on msn, IN AGES, EONS, YONKS, was actually online.
I have not seen this person in months and months, in person and online.
It was too coincidental to absorb at that point.

So, what's the big deal, you ask?
This person was the subject of prayer just that few moments ago.
Apparently, this person just came into mind and it was the first time, in a long while that i decided to come out from this uneasiness about this person, and pray about it.

I am still unsure as to whether i should take that step forward.

*** ***

It is my hope, that, in this time of calamity in the tsunami affected areas, God's Hand will be seen, that His Love will come like a gentle wind to those in need.

In this time, when the people need Hope, God will be the one they seek and that He will draw them close to Himself.

What better time than now, for bad to be turned to good, for His purpose?
When the people have nothing, no one?
They are now free to start on a clean slate.

This is our prayer. Our cry.
Oh Lord, your Will be done.

Till Then.
*The day begins*