Monday, August 30, 2004

I am Malfunctioning (edited here and there)

SIGH... Wanna HUUUUUGGGG you now man. :-( YESSSSSsssss, sisterhood reigns supreme!!! Glad you dropped a message. Feeling quite beat up. Cannot WAIT for the exams to be over.
I do hope that you are doing ok on your side...

ARGH! Sorry... i updated this post and i lost your comment in the process...

*** ***

I tell you, this is getting from bad to worse.

I don't know who i precisely am, something i should've figured out, at least in part/good part, during my teens years, theoretically speaking.

The main issue:
Am i truly noisy, or truly quiet?
Extroverted, introverted?
Or both?
Or do certain people/environments bring out different sides to me?
I think that's mostly the case...?
Then again, it that really?
As i've said, i'm not sure about anything about myself.

On one hand, i can be so chirpy, enthusiastic, loud, sharp... The Life. I feel the need for attention, the need to contribute actively to whatever's going on.

On the other hand, I am pleased to merely sit all by myself and get lost in my thoughts. Not just alone even, I can do that even in the middle of a bustling Orchard, Mall, etc. And it feels good to be in my own little world of rubbish thoughts.

Sometimes, i scream inside because i want to be heard and to be loud and chirpy, but instead, i'd be polite and "nice" on the outside. And quiet. Where the * did quiet come from, from joline's profile?!?!???!
Most of my friends who've been with me over the years, know that i am SO NOT QUIET.

Of late:
I think i am sinking into a stupor of sometimes thoughtless instances, sometimes thoughtful but aimless and rubbishy instances.
I am becoming spaced out, blur, limbo-ish, SLOW.
Don't mistake my thoughtfulness as "deep".
My thoughts run wild, replaying events/conversations, revolves around self centred issues...
I am forcing myself to seem cheerful. To seem like i am a good conversationalist.
When inside, i just feel like shutting up and spacing out.

Is this just simply a phase everyone has at some point in time?
Or is there something about me that's really changing?
Or am i just... simply put: STRESSED?

I've become more anti-social as well. SERIOUS.
Man... when i came to SIM, i was bursting with energy, not tiring from helping others and making friends...
But now, i don't feel like i want to talk to anyone, i feel like simply isolating myself, get the lecture/tutorial over with and dash on home.

This, i realize when i search myself.

It's not that i really WANT to space out or run away from everyone.
What i think is causing my anti-socialness is BECAUSE... I have not found someone, or a group of people whom i can REALLY, relate to, 100%.
Someone/some people whom i can easily say to (like, out of the blue?): "Ok, i need to shit..." (or something like that)

The people i've met, mostly, are basically all nice. But all things conversational stop at school work.
I've tried to get a little more personal. But doesn't really last.

But of course, i must hasten to add that there are TWO who come somewhat close to more than just schoolmates. I appreciate them... A lot.

It's not anyone's fault. I'm just in a different environment, with loads of different people around me...
And unfortunately, have not met other completely-joline-compatible-jigsaw pieces.

I'm sure I don't have to go into detail about finding Mr Right either.
WHAT are the friggin' chances?!

SO... i guess the reason why i feel so anti-social is because i feel kinda, actually mildly depressed over not having a friend whom i can identify with, spill all the nonsense, and talk about things heart to heart without being PRETENTIOUS.

Ok, so i really miss having that kind of intimate friendships i am/was used to having.

Perhaps i'm not being myself either anyway.

To all those who have felt that in some way, i have not done you any justice as a friend...
I AM SORRY. Tell me to my face if you feel you really have to.

*** ***

Went out with an archer friend today.
I was thinking: "Man, he sounds just like me last time, when i used to try to make conversation with a quiet friend."

I'm awfully sorry. I was so lost in my thoughts and this limbo state.

Put two people together who think about things and you have a SilentFest.

I've yet to know more about him, though so far he seems to come across as a kind hearted, good citizen, thoughtful (both as in "considerate" and "a thinker") person.
GO YOU, Mr Nice!
Heh, and he can come up with quite farni lines that just crack me up.

Come to think about laughter...
I'll be really honest and say that i've not had ONE seriously, LONG, HEARTY, totally REAL SINCERE laugh/guffaw/howl/cackle/HEE!HEE!HEE!!!, over ANYthing in a very very long long while.

I miss that kind of release. It just makes the being feel so much lighter, so joyful, so warm inside. SO REAL.
But i've not had that. And i miss it.

*** ***

Sheesh... WHY? I am OVER him! Why is it that thoughts of him keep drifting into my thoughts?!?! I can understand if this happens around Feb because maybe i still have some deep, inset, cognitive thing about the break-up, which happened then.
But it's not Feb.

I DIDN'T ask for these thoughts to come, they just do. I DON'T want them to! I have a life to live, more important things to channel my thoughts to.

But maybe it's because of unsettled issues.

To make things worse, i actually had a dream last night that included him. GEE! NONSENSE!

*** ***

I checked my email to be surprised by a not-pertaining-to-official-business from The One... Unmentionable.

One thing to say:
I hate archery politics, X suggests i get involved as a member, X made his intentions clear.

If i vote for A, and A wins, X'll be pretty dang pissed and will most probably make my life difficult in archery.

If i vote for X, and X wins, A'll be feeling pretty dang betrayed and might kill me the next time if they come back into power.

Analysis of A:
A hasn't really given me full reason to believe in them if they were to remain in charge of the club. They failed me once and it has hurt very badly.
On the other hand, they were the ones who took me in, believed in me, taught me. And more or less got the AAS moving after years of stagnation.
But even then, ACS has been almost lifeless and nobody really knows what's going on with our club.
If however, A is ousted from this club, they have nothing left except to set up their own club or something. This seems to be the only thread they have. Can i deny them of it?

Analysis of X:
X has now gotten power and i'm not sure how long the reign will be. He in some way has brought archery up, but only to stagnate after a while when i *think* complecency set in.
Now, he claims to bring back the vigour and life, get things moving again. I've seen that in other aspects, shifting this and that, causing some mayhem...
But one thing, they can't seem to update the friggin' website on upcoming events, is that SO friggin' difficult???!!
In fact, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, the only thing they updated on the website is...
Their own NAMES as the new office bearers.
They claim they are still settling and have no time. Ok... is that a valid reason, or an excuse to blot out a glitch in their so called efficiency?


Whatever it is, if i vote in favour of X, life in archery might not be too bad for me.
But then, i will be throwing my archery presence into the hands of political fiends (shall i add an adjective before that? Hm.) who i cannot trust entirely. AND, i will lose trust from the other side. Failed loyalty.

I am torn between, voting for the good of the club, for my own good, or for the good of the party who helped me from the start.

Lord Help... Help me to make a wise decision.

Till Then.
*Will prolly be silent as i have a major assignment to finish*

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Personal Disclosure (long ramble, be warned)

All that money for just the memory cards for the dream machine...? woohoo! So, to get or not the get.
Well, i believe that if you feel you want it so bad, it's going to work for you and it's calling to you... considering you won't be penniless for the next month that you live on cabbage soup, then perhaps it'll be a worthwhile investment.
By the way, them shots of the cameramen and the atheletes was just truly amazing. Felt like one was transported right to that spot in Athens. Goodness... the whole array of spiffy equipment was just gawk worthy!
About the coach. Sounds pretty likely. Think he's waiting me out, and in the meantime, trying to get me to do my part to show some merit as well. The question though, is timing/when. Because of the politics involved, timing is crucial.
Glad you like the card. :-D

*** ***

And the dog muses about the meaning of life. Posted by Hello

Been thinking and wanting to blog this down before, just never got down to it after it was erased forever due to my carelessness. Ok, i've also forgotten the most part of it.
I think this post is going to be very haphazard-like as my thoughts are little fragments floating about in space.
Here goes:

*** ***

I guess i'm very much the traditionalist. Amidst much talk about people losing values to become more secular, i guess i still belong to the "old" traditional type, when it comes to relationships.
I am inclined to think that more shallow relationships tend to occur between people of a certain group type.
Feel free to enlighten me about your thoughts on that.

Anyway, i don't drink, not even for social purposes. Maybe only if my family has decided to open one of the numerous hamper alcoholic drinks.
Eg. XO and the like.

Never smoked, never done drugs, don't enjoy getting piss drunk, i haven't been to places most people my age and younger even, frequent. I am quite happy staying out of them.
I feel like i've broken the law already just by skipping one class.

I don't believe in slutting around, i don't believe in being cheap.
I am the quite low maintenance type.
But of course, it'd be nice if the guy is naturally sweet...

If i like a guy... sigh. I'd never be the one to tell him first. Well at least, i've never done that so far. I may... if circumstances push me that far. I've never pursued anyone explicitly.
I like it the other way around, really.
At most, i'd... Oh wait! This is public! Mustn't expose tactics or else i might draw weird stares from guy friends!!!

I gotta admit that single life frees me from committment, being accountable for anything. I don't owe anyone an explanation for where i've been, who i've talked to, what i'm doing. I'm free to go out with whichever guy friend i like and no one other than parentals, can say no.

But there comes a point when as a single who's experienced a relationship before, feels lonely and longs for that loving partnership one can have with someone one has deep feelings and cares for. That special someone in life.

And it has to be this time when the feeling has to hit. When i'm still in first year uni.
I know now, that studies and a relationship don't go hand in hand for me. UNLESS, my partner is the sort who totally understands my style and can leave me alone for long stretches of time.

I'm the sort who needs space. I don't like being restrained as i like my freedom. The more one controls me, the more angry i get and the more likely that i'll retaliate.
If one can give me space, that's one major point.

I guess there's one person who has the qualities of someone i could be with. BUT, to be true to the both of us, i had to be honest and tell him that i felt that somewhere, there's something that doesn't quite go, between us.
I think it hurt him because it was only after one year (and feelings grow) that i told him the truth.
We are good friends now, not uncomfortable with that fact. It is this one aspect about him, maturity about "rejection", that i really like about him.
(isn't rejection such an ugly word? But i lack a better one)

Then there was this other person. Not sure if he still reads this blog. I know he commented once looong time before about something i wrote, but that was yonks past.

Just because of my restrictive parents, that i think played a part in making me Queen Suaku of the Universe, i missed two events that were important to two guy friends.

One of which is the one i mentioned about 2 paragraphs up. After the ex, he was the one and first guy i actually liked. A LOT.
For a time, we seemed pretty close and i thought: Hey, gosh... I really like him. It looks like it's going somewhere.

But since that one particular day, he more or less disappeared. He is now nothing but an occasional "hello, ..."

I had no idea why that had to happen.
Was it because she could step in when i couldn't?
You don't know how much it hurt when you told me... But who am i to voice it. It's your life.
Of which i play no part anymore, i think.

Or were we just too different in your eyes?

Anyway, no hard feelings at all. Nope, nope, none at all.

Ah hah. Then i shocked myself not long ago.

All along, i thought i had my heart under control. That i was smart, all knowing about who i wanted and who i didn't want. I thought i was very well versed already with matters pertaining to my heart.
But BOY! Was i horribly wrong...

I thought i would never fall for another suger coated tongue..
I thought i knew what i wanted and would never fall for that again.
But no. I entirely outdid myself.
Not only was he really good with words, we had different beliefs and values.

I told myself long before, to never fall for it but i did. I was so sure of myself. But i ended up betraying myself, my God. I was so BLIND.

NOTE: It's not that i view relationships with differing religions as abhorrent. It is merely a rule i follow and adhere to, that as a Christian, my partnership must be with someone who loves the same God. So, it is a fault on my part to have given in. To say i was blind, is not because you're a worthless, bad person that i should never have bothered about. It is just that i have failed in something and failed someone that i hold dear.


The problem is, i am a hopeless romantic. The type who falls for sweet mouths.
They make me feel special, wanted, treasured, loved, warm inside.
But of course, the downside is, there's the insecurity that he's like that to every other female. That no one is really special anyway.
And that it's just another tactic to string the hopeless romantics along.
Or just some ego trip?

I tell myself: I've learnt already, I know now... I'm not stupid anymore.
But you know, i'm not so sure of myself anymore.
That was exactly what i told myself before but see what happened.

Perhaps it was a humbling experience from God above.
Thank you Lord for showing me that.

I'm not sure when i'll meet my match. I'm not sure if i ever will. Honestly, as i've said before...

I'm weird, i'm not like a lot of girls.
I'm not demure, nice-type, pretty, slim, gentle... I'm not from any some such coveted university.

I'm not brilliant like Ho Ching, i'm not the other Joline Lim, from HCJC. Dangit, she's a scholar!
I am not outstandingly talented.
I am not tall. I don't have nice legs.

Stocky and muscular, for you?
No thanks? Ah, i thought so.

Apart from looks, who i am, the eccentric little goose, greatly sieves or filters the kind of guys i meet and the kind of guys who accept me for who i am.
Let alone the guys who actually end up liking me.

Sad eh?

Anyway, at least something wants my attention now. Yes, what is it?

Till Then.
*Critical review of a psychological research journal article*

Monday, August 23, 2004

Do i dare hope?

Thanks for those tips there. Though i have no idea how to fiddle around with the camera since it's rather automated. But i'll figure something out.
My sister is another of the type that, if you out her with a camera and food, she'll take photos of the chopsticks, food, plates...etc, at very close range for the angles.
I wonder how much that camera you long for costs.

*** ***

I went over to the other range (where the national team was training) to get help from the coach to adjust my bow. Ended up being quite an affair. Jia lat, i felt so bad can.
But they were just so nice. Thanks guys... I SO appreciate it.

I wanted to head back to the usual range but decided against it in the end and so i shot there.
Today, i had the first time ever chance to shoot at 50m. There weren't no 30m target so i had to join the NUS archers at 50m.

I never really wanted to try because i was afraid i'd lose arrows in the thick mimosa patch at the usual range.
But this range's grass was tame enough to risk it.

Onto the matter i am concerned about. The Team.

Coach seemed so so so so so sure of getting me in, from the time he ever suggested putting me in (months ago) till this day.

He happily introduced me to the NUS archers.
And coach blatantly told them that i'll be part of the team (and he gestures with a wide arm stroke) "very SOON". He emphasizes on the "soon" so hard my nerves felt like it was dragging back and forth on sandpaper.

I am not exaggerating my case, i am merely recounting this event.

And he tells me, "You'll be part of the team one day, you know most of them already right? I'll introduce you. (Jo: no!no!!!) Why so shy?!"

*** ***

The situation, to me, looks very bleak and i have no idea how and why he can be and seems so confident about it.
He shouldn't be so blatant about it if he can't even guarantee it.

But what i do think is, is that i will need to put in effort to show that i am worthy of my place.
Initially, my supposed entry was on a recommendation basis.
But i believe now, that i have to get in also by merit.

Which is why i've been told to go for the archery Pesta Sukan this week. No problem. I'm on about it. In C Class division, so not much expectation.
BUt of course i'll be going in with a competitive spirit.

Coach says to take part in the archery Pesta Sukan, then join in in the Monthly Trials. (in other words, shoot 70m with the national team and take down scores. and have them posted up i think. WA... PAI SEH. I am only a weekend warrior!)

NOTE: But ONLY IF there even is a Class C division for compound archers. It's usually for only standard recurves.

Can you imagine??? All my life, i've never actually gone for a public, sporting competition. HELLO? I'm like Queen Suaku of the Universe who vegetates and lives like a hermit most of the time.

Coach still thinks i can make it for the SEA Games next year. I have NO IDEA.
He seems to have a lot of faith in me, though i am inclined to think that he is doing a "coach thing"... IOW, psyching me up?

Some dude: "YEAH! Go for the SEA Games... We're gonna kick some ass."

Let's be clear on this. I am no longer going to ask about "my forms" anymore. All i know is that i am going to do all i can to achieve my aspirations.

And this is what i believe:

If he, as an experienced coach, can tell me from the moment he saw me that i can make it, i believe that i can make it.
I will have to put in effort, go through setbacks and plateaus and slumps too.

I am not saying i can impress you immediately with my shooting.
But i know i have the potential, and so i will try.

I wonder what would've happened if i didn't go to that range today. I think i never would've gotten to hear about the team thing.

Sheesh. THe coach pisses me off sometimes.
I have put a lot of faith in him but he has failed me many a times. He treats me funny also.
I think i treat him funny too. Reason being i have no idea how casual one can be with the coach.

So i am a mixture of a bundle of nerves as well as an over polite Japanese. And you do know that the Japanese are already very polite as it is.

I cranked up the poundage to 34 yesterday.
WOOHOO! Weekend Warrior is moving along! I could hardly pull 35 pounds a few months ago.
Understandably, i awoke this morning with my back muscles aching. But i like the ache.

I learnt a few things yesterday.

1. In archery, best to keep up a poker face at all times.
2. Try to remain emotionless, both inside and outside. Never allow emotion to set in. It wrecks havoc in the concentration department.
3. Blank out! Space out... It makes the people watching from behind you disappear. It becomes just the target and you after that.

*** ***

"Jesus is in the middle of the picture! Is He in the middle of your life?" courtesy of Pappert Plastic Card Co. Posted by Hello

*** ***

On to the last lap of of assignments, before mugging of exams come underway.

I am so excited about the Pesta Sukan (IF there's a compound division). heh, heh. If i go, I'm not exactly confident of winning anything because i don't know who my competitors are.

But i am going there to compete with all of the beginner's skill i possess, know what it's like, show myself what i'm made of and improve in areas where i am lacking.

You heard that dad? You think i have no fighting spirit. But you are wrong.

Till Then.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Olympic Medal for Singapore? BOLEH! (i hope)

These were pictures that turned out highly UNsuccessful because:
1. the camera was in the hands of inexperienced me.
2. of my stubborn sister.
SHE was the one who told to me scramble to the window and take a picture when SHE the more BRILLIANT photographer refused to come and help me.

Alwyn, wanted to message you about it because you would've done a good job at capturing it, but i pai seh lah.

The moon was full and radiating its lunary light. And the clouds was in strips across the moon in a ladder like and zig-zag manner. And when the pins of light from the moon piercd through the clouds, the effect was just breath taking.

The moon was SPECTACULAR. Anyone who enjoys sky gazing like me would've loved it.
But dangit, these photos do no justice but i will put them up anyway because i meant to.

The Best shot, which did NO justice to its actual beauty. Posted by Hello

Zoomed in on the moon. SO unsuccessful. Posted by Hello

*** ***

I turned on the tv to support Ronald Susilo,
And he lost.

I turned on the tv to watch the women's archery finals, and supported the Chinese Taipei girl.
And she lost.

So, i will do a good deed for all of Singapore and not turn on the tv to support Li Jiawei.

And for good measure, i won't even post anything supportive here.

By the way, i thought shuttler Chen Hong from China was cute.
Or maybe the cuter one between the him and the Korean shuttler.

ARGH!!! She lost the chance at a silver or gold!!! Feel bad for her.

Friday, August 20, 2004


I sputtered (amidst amused laughter) when i read about the old folks thingy.
About foul language. Funny as it may seem and perhaps not understandable to certain people, i find that it sort of helps let off steam, the anger. Basically because the words are angsty words. Coupled with the high strung emotions one feels, it makes letting out the boil inside effective to an extent.
I might say "FISH!" but i really mean F--K. So, who am i kidding right.
Not saying that therefore it is justified, but that's just an explanation on my part.
Think i will yak about good and bad Christians below.
Rant, i will. Aiyo, but sometimes... something i think my rantings are just childish prattle, so small compared to things of the bigger picture.
*throws hands in air* AAAIII!! Going mad now. hehehe, ah, let's meet after the exams.

Because i'm not well versed with the other areas... How do you think the officials contributed to Susilo's downfall?
Seems his girlfriend is doing very well. I think she's advanced into the Semis already.

*** ***

Can anyone get as paranoid as me?

It seems that everytime a family member leaves the house, or, leaves to get the car to pick the rest of us up, or if a family member goes overseas for a while...

I ALWAYS think that they WOULDN'T come back alive.

I would be approached by the police to identify the person, or the police would call me up to inform me of the grave news or something.

As i have said so a long time before. I keep thinking of death related things.
And i don't know why.

Am i being plagued by little bad creatures?

I had wondered before if i needed deliverance.

Does doing bad things really not make one a bad Christian? If being a Christian striving to be like Christ, being perfect in all ways, is good, then any form of badness would fail me in some sense as a Christian, wouldn't it?

But then, David was like God's pal of sorts, eventhough he was not perfect at all and did all sorts of horrid things.
I'm sure people we consider strong and good Christians today aren't perfect either.
They are sinful too but yet shine for the Lord.

So, what is the definition of a "bad" or "good" Christian?

The very basic fact is, we are ALL SINNERS. We will sin at some point in our lives. We give in to temptation sometimes eventhough God never allows more than we can handle.
We might do many other things. Like gossip, slander, have lustful thoughts, treated people badly, unreasonably lost our temper, etc.

Perhaps after all of it, what defines good or bad boils down to our relationship with God.
How much we value Him, how much we desire to walk with Him. How much we want to please Him, and lots of other things.

I never studied divinity or studied any scriptures lah, so forgive my less than professional theological speech.

Who is to say what is bad or good?
If someone who claims to be a Christian, but couldn't give a two hoot about following God, does that make him a bad Christian?

Maybe it was just one aspect of sinning.
Perhaps "bad Christian" is just a temporary label.
But some people carry it to their graves, without any conviction of what they've done, i'm sure.
But then again, do they finally repent when they find that things spin out of their control?

I think the only reason why "good" Christians stay as such, even though they've sinned, is because of their sincere desire FOR GOD.
If they have a sincere desire FOR GOD, then wouldn't they strive at all costs to do what is right, all the time?

Ok, so let's say they gave in to sin. They WOULD note that, and repent. That shows they care about the relationship with God. For that is honouring God, no?

So what consitututes as sin?
Herein lies finally the question.

What "bad things" can one do as a "good" Christian, such that it is not a sin?

GEe, i'm floored... I already feel SO awful after skipping a class. (right Vicki?)
Silly as it may sound.
Sometimes i can't even tell the difference between the Holy Spirit and my personality type, the very LAW ABIDING sort. So, Conscience speaking or Holy Spirit? Or are they one and the same?

Ok, so here's the anti-climax.
Whatever's bad, that is SIN, is whatever 's against God's wishes. BUT...

If ONLY God had compiled a modern Version 1.0 of the "Sin List".
At least then paranoid people like me can check against it and rest easier about life.

What was that i've been yabbering?

Till then.
*puny little underworked brain is reeling already... too many questions.*

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Various scrapings.

Greetings, nice to hear from you! Great thing about blogs, no? Unless they aren't read. Anyway...
Well, birds of a feather flock together don't they? Perhaps i wouldn't have it any other way. I met you guys, and that's what made JC bearable and i have been taught numerable lessons. You were a blessing! And i thank God.
I am taking the friday the 13th shelling better than i would have, than if it hit met earlier.
I figured that if i cannot join and train via recommendation, i will join them via my own merit. In other words, i will go out there and take part in competitions. I cannot expect too much from myself considering i only practice once a week. But i will give my best of course, with whatever i can.
There's something i believe in, but i feel it inappropriate to declare at this point.
But yeah, i've gotten my bow back, after quite some confusion. I tell ya, i am suitably cheesed off by the new archery management.
And why does your life sound so torturous???? 5 hours of sleep everyday???

YOU DIDN'T?! (oh, thank heavens!) By the way, i think we had quite a number of concerts till i cannot remember which exactly was the one. ER, which means i cannot remember ever playing the school anthem as an encore. Maybe, i do, but hazily... What i DO remember though, was that the following day, 92.4fm (the classical radio station) played one of the songs we played that night on air.

Nope, i didn't sell my bow. I'm a member of an archery club and so it is legal to keep my equipment. I doubt i'd ever sell it because i love the sport, i still plan to shoot and if possible, i want to go for competitions.
Guess i feel crabby about it all, mostly at the management. But i'm taking it all right.

Ayee.... batch 2002... then i must've seen you somehow, somewhere. If you don't mind me asking... which class?

Arllo. I'm doing ok... Not fantastic. I'm pissed inside but things will iron out somewhat. I hope. I hope. All i know is, i've got me bow back and i don't like the new archery management one bit and if i could, i would storm to the fella's office and give him a piece of my brilliant, highly moralistic mind.

*** ***

A friend is selling mooncakes part-time. Got samples to try too. Oh, how fun.

Twice, i was awoken by my OWN reaction to very realistic dreams.

First dream:
Unmentionable. So all i can say is that in my dream i hissed: "If you do that again, i will really hit you."
In response, that putrid person in my dream repeated the action and i swung at the person.
And so i woke up with a start when i apparently swung my right arm out in a bid to mash that person.
Good thing i didn't fall off the bed of hit anything.

Second Dream:
I dreamt that while playing with my beloved dog, he jumped too hard, flew, and landed sprawling on the hard ground with a chilling and sickening clatter (of bones against the cold, hard floor).
With that, i woke up, almost SAT up, with a moderately loud gasp.

The second dream really scared me. Thought my dog was done for.

I've been spending a lot.
Man, sometimes i hit this period of "i need this and this, and this, and this, this too, oh yum and that ..."

Other times, i stinge so much i would refuse to even buy something that costs $4-

This time it was on snacks, knick-knacks, food, pamper-myself-things...
The most of all, been spending on juice. YES, FRUIT JUICE. SPECIFICALLY JUICE WITH ALOE VERA.
I decided that it was getting a little too expensive to keep up this new fetish so i bought a 2L bottle. Not really working anyway either.

I love popping by The Bodyshop to sniff out new products. *smiles* Uhm, i have taken a liking to the new shampoo.

Is it this ongoing headaches i've been having? I'm beginning to think that it's a degenerative disease. (please no.)
Lately, i've noticed that while doing my essay, i type nonsense.
My concentration is there, everything is present but i sometimes type extra words, or my grammar goes wonky, i miss words and the words that i am thinking of in my head come out as something else.

Or maybe it's just the pain i am having which causes my consciousness to distance itself to mentally steer away from the pain. In doing so, some "concentration" has been removed.

Or, a small part of my mind is in a state of limbo/drifting/throbbing... that somehow, things get a little fuzzy.

My head isn't working to maximum efficiency. Then again jo, when was it ever?

Honestly. I used to be sharper, meaner, more opinionated, sarcastic.
Now. I think i've gotten milder, less mean, less cutting, less opinionated, les critical.

Is that a good thing? Horse Lords, no.
I use to debate a little and i could feel my mind buzzing with activity.
But it seems that that is no longer the case. It's kinda dull, dim, slow.
Back then, i could sense that people (who knew me) were wary of me during a debate.

Well. I am a toothless lion now. Do not be afraid...

Perhaps it's the people i mix around with. I've tried to tone down around them, tried to be more civil...

I think some of the edge might still be there. It just needs to be able to unleash itself. It needs an avenue where it wouldn't be shushed, it wouldn't be shunned, rejected or spoken badly about.

Who am i kidding?

To be myself and lose my friends?
Or mould myself to be a better, dimmer person? (haha, i sense something controversial here)
Disclaimer: This applies only to SELF. It does not imply all nice people are dim.

Once again i have arrived at the sticky issue. That my Evil Twin has been bugging me about all along.
I don't hardcore swear, OUTloud much except for "bloody", "shit", "dumbarse", "damn". (come to think of it, all those words put together have a cumulative effect and i realize, $%^&! I am pretty foul!)

Neither do i write honestly how i totally feel about something. Most of the time, i am afraid of offending people and so i try to be politically correct as far as possible.

Ok, so i am not about to allow myself to become Evil Kinevil because then even my parents will slap me and disown me. And my friends will tell me they dunno me anymore.

So? What the *toot* is this blog FOR?!?!?! Be fREE! Be verbally Liberated! Pour your thoughts out!!! FREEDOM!!!

But then HOR, my friends go online, read my blog also leh... Then they know what kind of lousy Christian i am... Outside "passably" nice (aren't i? i am lah...) but inside like dirt.

Everyone is not perfect. No one can dispute that.
Everyone is part dirt.

I feel like yelling a virtual swear word to mark this day of liberation.

Nay, i've decided.
I'm going to be more honest, more mean, if i have to.
It's just me airing JUST HOW I FEEL. And i don't want to be afraid, i don't want to be rejected for it.

But if you cannot face up to it and if you, my friends, cannot accept who i am, then i have nothing much else to say.
Except that you would have given me a lifetime of hurt to deal with.

But should a blog be used for such ugly purposes? A place for complaint, a place for negativity, a place where only the angry and unhappy dwell?

Ah... thinking too much. Of course my posts aren't going to be all depressing.

I am seriously blabbering a lot today.

Actually hah, i am rather curious about who actually reads this, apart from the people i've linked and regularly leave me messages. (by the way, leaving me messages make me really happy. HINT.)

Unseen guests, won't you tell me who you are?

I surf around and discover that hardly much of the world ever has this blogskin anymore.
So, that makes my blog OH SO UNIQUE, and also OH pretty UGLY.
Eh, i know i can easily switch to a nicer looking skin but i think this one has grown on me (oops, pardon the pun!) and in my opinion, i think it's easier to read off.

No clutter at all.
The only clutter are thick paragraphs, which i try hard to eliminate.

I sent an email to the AAS webmaster concerning the lack of updates done on the AAS website. Within the day or was it the next day, i received an email from the bigger shot.

I tell you, for such an important person as well as being the son of Singapore's FORMER super important person, he is totally tactless, very unprofessional and has some serious attitude problem.

One might think that he could've at least picked up some form of civilized political etiquette from his daddy but NOOOOO.
Civilized or clean politics has entirely ELUDED the chap.

Ok wait. Is politics ever civilized and clean?
Ah hah.

But whatever it is, he is such a lousy fella that i will stop talking about him at this point.

Ok, it's officially wednesday, i will post this up in a moment. But first.

WATCH... to see the beauty of archery... and the way it appeals to your hunter instincts!

Till Then.
*towards being more honest and not always nice when the occasion calls for it*

Friday, August 13, 2004

Redemption and archery politics.

I don't think it's the weather though... It's lessened now but till there. Odd.
About your piece of advice. Point noted, thanks. I guess it's true that conforming to an ever changing standard is futile anyway and all one could ask for is to do our best. But ironically, i think i have not done my best to be what and who i can. Haha, ok, it's beginning to sound like the chicken or the egg kind of thing. And no... i didn't quite figure that one out myself, so it is good to hear it from someone. Thanks a lot, you always make me feel better. :-D
Oh EAah! Love taking pictures and putting them up although it is a little troublesome. I'm just not a very good photographer.

Aw, thanks... :-D! By the way, i couldn't help noticing that you know Liangcai, Alwyn has linked you and that you were from ACJC but I don't recall seeing you around in school though. Pardon me please. Which batch were you from?

Thanks girl. :-)

HAHHA, oh my goodness.... the thought of vampire doing anything is quite gross!!! *gag, gag*
But seriously, i would love to go back for the crispy noodles again. I've mentally listed it down for the next trip already. WOOhOO!
The lady in the polka dots? hoohohohoh... Skarly, she's some rich rich lady who retired early because she earned big bucks with a PhD in something or other previously??? Can buy a bike and afford to wear, erm... such flashy clothes.

But first up, i have to remember what i wrote...

*** ***

Ok, i decided to scrap, temporarily, the post i really wanted to type and put this one up instead.

Reason: while i was trying very hard to do my, blood pressure rising, one of the module final grade determinants, very challenging 1960s serious -h-- essay, this irritating thought was sitting on my shoulder screeching itself to me.

I cringe each time and decided i had to redeem myself. If i ever could.

*** ***

Apparently in JC2, we had one of our annual ACJC band concerts, held at the Victoria Concert Hall.

You know, in those days, the Esplanade wasn't around for ole ACJC to look good.

And it so happened that i was to play two minor solo parts from two songs.
The first, "... song without words" and the second, "L'Apprenti Sorcier", yes, that's right, the Sorceror's Apprentice.

I pray no one reading this went for that concert because you'd be nodding your head or shaking your head thinking: "OHHHhhh.... so YOU'RE the one who sounded SO bad!"

It was my FIRST EVER time playing a solo of any sort, for the band. (oh yeah, it's the Alto Saxophone)
I had no formal training at all (oh good grief, did i just sound like William Hung? But it's true!), not even as a previous band major in secondary school.

Problem with:
First solo - airy sound when lacking confidence
Second solo - pitch problems. Eg. flat or sharp

Initially during our pratices, first solo was so-so.
Second solo's pitching was right on the dot, perfect, in tune.
Just right on target and i was pretty happy with myself.

But strangely, with more practice and more attempts at perfecting the note, my pitch got WORSE and WORSE. The notes got flatter and flatter, it sounded SO AWFUL.

And for some reason, especially so on the silver saxophone. Extra flat on silver.
So, i switched to the gold one, which only helped a small bit.

On the day of the concert, my solo for the first song came out sounding SO AIRY and THIN. That happens when i play without confidence.

The solo bit actually comes out from almost-close-to-silence from the rest of the band, like a voice rising and speaking out from the quietening surroundings.

And so unprofessionally, i shook my head after that bad solo.
Imagine HOW many people saw that poor showmanship?!??!
TSK! I cringe even till this day.

The one that takes the cake for MAXIMUM EMBARRASSMENT was the second solo.
*cringes so bad*

The Sorceror's Apprentice begins with soft, high pitch, mystical sounds from a few of the percussion instruments(s).
Then the saxophone solo comes in, playing a trademark melody. Can't possibly explain in words.

But here are the notes: (1) D A A (the As are one octave apart) B C# D, followed by,
(2) F C C (the Cs are also one octave apart) D E F.

(1) Came out sounding SO SUPER DUPER ULTRA MONDO FFLLLAAATTT! It was SO EMBARRASSING. Imagine all the musically savvy people in the crowd must've been cursing me for auditory assault then.
And any RJC band people present most probably would've been sniggering away and feeling 100% sure of a next SYF Gold Medal.

(2) came out slightly sharp, as i was trying to salvage the previous 6 flat notes.

This time when i finished, one of my band mates hissed to me, "DON'T shake your head!"

I felt SOOOO unjustified. I knew i could do better, but for some reason, with more practice, came a performance less than perfect.
Whoever said "practice makes perfect" hasn't met me.

It was my first time ever that i did something out of the ordinary. Most of my life in ACJC was monotonous, not much camaraderie with the so-called "in" students and teachers, mugged till no end, never went to an AC party before, never felt included in the band as frequencies run diametrically opposite to each other.

So you see, the opportunity to do something different was blown to bits. I think of how i let my conductor down, and i feel so awful.

It's all in the past already, yeah, yeah.
No point feeling bashed up by it, yeah, yeah.
BUT still.
But anyway.
I'm done with this.
*in a dramatic voice*: Now... you know my story.

*** ***

Friday the 13th indeed.

1. I can say with almost 100% certainty that i will no longer be training in the national training team.

2. The trunk keeping my bow has been emptied and my bow is with someone i hardly know.

3. The range warden, whom we have taken a fond liking to, is now no longer working at the range.

4. There's more but i cannot mention those.

Of course friday the 13th never meant anything to me. But this time, i'm getting quite a shelling.


*At this moment, imagine joline saying and doing the unmentionables all in one long sequence.*


Time for me to play the game as well? I cannot imagine myself getting involved. I don't WANT to get involved!

It's just done all in the name of their OWN SELFISH desires.


*shakes fist*

May judgement fall upon you one day. Take your chances, do what you wish but may Justice be served to right the wrong you have committed!

What's the purpose of this management committee?
To function for the good of all archers...? YEAHHH RIIGGHHHTT...!!!

*** ***

I seem to have lost some physical resilience. Previously, i could sleep real late but still wake up feeling pretty fine.
But since the spate of headaches, (which is still around) i am affected the next morning when i sleep late the night before.
Like now.


The essay! Oh no, ok, gotta run.

Till then.

Sunday, August 08, 2004


Note: Sorry friends, my replies will come at a later date.
*** ***

I am depressed.

For some reason, life seems so empty. Void. Meaningless.
What am i living for?
What am i doing with my life?
What was the God given goal he meant for me to achieve?
Give me direction! Why is it so silent? Is asking for help and receiving it a crime?
Am i not entitled to one?
Should i be deprived of that which you give willingly and give without question?

I am a bimbo, minus the looks usually associated with one. Now does that add to the depression.

Who am i next to the average person my age?
What am i compared to that one who knows and thinks?
Or am i glorifying that age group?

My life is too cushy. Too abundant and flowing with whatever i need.
But can i give it up? No.

I am as shallow as that drying puddle.
My mind, fools the rest of my entire being.

Who am i?
CAn i think?
Or am i just that identical churn-out, reciting the same old tired lines. Thinking through the same old tired trains of thought.
Just a shell... No life.
Am i who i think i really am?

So what am i going to do about it?

Solace comes in that intangible form. But my intangible form sometimes becomes my subject of frustration.
And then my subject of frustration is suppose to be that intangible, but supposedly tangible form.

Why is it that depression makes you wonder more, than when you are happy?
I remember saying something like that in a previous entry.

Some people come crying to God and find what they are looking for and they are changed.
WHat happened when i came crying? Or did i? Nope.

ARRRRR... Is this me speaking? Or my hormones. Or, -censored by author-.

I have not gone mad. God, I need you.

I want to eat seafood crispy noodles again.

Friday, August 06, 2004


I doubt that he ever wanted it... *oh well...*
Least he was decent to me, sometimes to the point of seriousness. Thank God! Because he is the type that well... You would want to get into his good books, or ELSE...

(don't think you'd be able to read your reply)

*** ***

Just some pictures i decided to put up for fun.

Pretty fully bloomed flower from balcony flower pot. Posted by Hello

Another pretty violet fully bloomed flower from window ledge. I tried to convince them of it being potential killer litter... Posted by Hello

My name, using musical symbols and notes. On "Myth and Music" lecture notes. Posted by Hello

As i grow older, i fear drawing again, because i think my ability to draw is puddle deep.

I used to draw, paint and do sketches which people liked but... those times are gone? There goes art with my childhood. Bleah. Time to find that part of myself again.

For some art thing back in primary school, a black and white sketch of two horses battling was chosen, along with some others of course, to be framed and hung up within the primary school premises.
I never got that one back. Wish i asked for it before i left.

Then in secondary school, i did a book cover design for the title "Bon Voyage". It was an exam piece actually. My teacher put it up in the art classroom for display, than somehow went into her own personal art room within the art classroom.

Horses scribbled during the "Myth and Music" lecture i had yesterday. Posted by Hello

Ah, these have been with me since primary school. But i think they look for the worse.

*** ***

*ugly mumbles*
I got a C- for my qualitative report. So much effort for...? I'm going to have to do a kickass essay to salvage my already hanging-in-there average of B.
Ok, i expected that i'd do pretty bad for this one, but not THIS bad!
The ONLY reason why i am not sobbing and banging my fists on the floor is that i expected it somewhat.

The next bad/good thing is that i've a new arts tutor, so who knows how he is going to grade my assignment? I've been averaging B all the way, and if he so screws my assignment grade for me... I...
(better left unsaid)

Been down with this nasty headache that started last week, and throughout every single day till now. I still feel it, though it's muted.

I have no idea why it started.
It was suggested i see a neurologist today depending on how i feel.
Should i? It hasn't eased off entirely.

I put this hit counter thingy in May and i'm quite surprised that it has reached 800 or so. Haven't got that many blogging friends so i am wondering where and who everyone else is...

Leave me a message will yoooo? Jo is curious. *winks*
Did i just do that.

Anyway. Been having many floating thingies in head but none materialized.
Off, before I begin rambling and justify a visit to the neurologist. Or was it psychiatrist.

Till Then.
*Maybe... it's withdrawal symptoms from not having archery for a week.* *(".)*

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Back, returned. Oh, home...

This is Fifi, my aunt's dog. She's got the most beautiful brown eyes. Posted by Hello

Dogs just love me. See that tongue go! Posted by Hello

That's the 2nd dog, Ivy. I prefer wolfish dogs but doggy affinity overrules! Posted by Hello

Look at what archery has done to my skin colour.

Nikki. My youngest cousin. 3 words: hilarious, cute, hyper. Posted by Hello

Breakfast at "Spices". I loved the European deco and the warm and dim lighting. Posted by Hello

Incomplete family photo at the bridal suite after the tea ceremony. Bride and groom are both stunning! Posted by Hello

Opening speech by bride and groom at the wedding dinner. Heh. Does this look like camera tricks at play? Nay. Posted by Hello

Sigh. Was the oldest at my table since my sister was absent. *mumble* Tanlines very unglam. Posted by Hello

Sweet. Posted by Hello

He surprised her with something he wrote (velly lomantic wor...) as well as with another ring, ANOTHER proposal included. *aww...* Posted by Hello

She sings a four line song in return. I'm surprised at how (soul?) mates can be so at ease with each other... Even in front of dinner guests! So wonderful. Posted by Hello

*** ***

There are more photos, but well... i might crash the system so, no go.

The problem with being the photographer is most of the time, you are excluded from photos. Hello? I didn't even take a personal shot with the bride, my cousin!?
Not only that, i could've used my brain and mouth and ask for someone to do it, but no...
Jo, what's your bleedin' problem?

I don't really want to go into the details of the trip because during the trip and since i've been back, i''ve been having disturbing headaches as well as school work yodelling at me from my study desk.
Did that make sense? *resigned meow*
not sure if i should see a doc. THe headaches are consistent.

In summary:

1. The trip was draining though it was good to see everyone again, and bond with my seldom seen cousins.
2. Malaysian drivers are terrors. And so are the roads.
4. I have decided that toilet seat designs and temperature have the power to mess up my digestive system.
5. Home is best.
6. Was mostly spaced out throughout the trip. Not unpleasantly so, but more so than usual.
7. Went to Times Square, and had a short ride on the KL monorail!
8. Hotel was nice. So was the gym... Gawked at the gleaming free weights all laid out, complete, on the rack.
9. My parents have more energy than me.

Lots of other stuff but my headache is disturbing.

*** ***


:-D. Thank you. It gives me hope. ;-P

Whao, i'm very flattered. *red face* Thanks... :-) That's like, one of the highest compliments ever!
HAHHA. Modelling? *flashes a "i-think-i-am-so-pretty" grin at self*
Oops. I think i just heard a thousand ships sinking. Teehee.
Oh, eye bags are definitely there... Perhaps were concealed by shadows.

:-D Thanks. The lighting was from my table lamp. Halogen bulb, methinks, orange light.
Oh..... Next time go prepared with plugs and such. You might get the pictures you want that way.
Aii-yai, affirmative. Though i would like to think that at some point in history, ACSians were not like that. Gee, which is why i was rather disappointed during one rugby final during our time.

OOOHH!!!! VAMpire!!! AHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH. Wonder if i can be his Vampiress? His partner in crime...
Aiyah, old dreams die hard, no? haha, kidding, kidding. It is imperative that we do not mention his real name here, okie?
I haven't seen him lately, ALTHOUGH... i just discovered that my outdoor archery range is just NEXT to his condo. Can you believe it... But not sure if he's still staying there.
Ang moh look? heheheeehehehe....

*** ***

Will be off for now. Back to work, ploughing, plodding, mugging...

Hope to share more of my monkey chatter with everyone but duty calls.

Be well, take care.

Till Then.