Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Apparently, i had two free tickets to watch the movie premiere of "Domino", some action show featuring bounty hunters. If you ask me, it looks really cheesy, but whatever. My sister won them from an online competition and passed them to me to use: "Ah, ask (him) to go with you."

(I wanted to ask but i knew you were going to be busy.) So, my dad and i were set to go, but to cut the long story short, we didn't eventually. Sayoonara free tickets~!

But that got me thinking. Now, when was the last time my dad and i went out together? Perhaps it was that Sim Lim Square trip to get a laptop adaptor. But i think that that's essentially different from going for a movie with dad. If we had gone, I wonder if people looking at us might think that he's my sugar daddy, and me, the kept woman. *Cringe*

(I've been mistaken for his wife before. *ROAR!* Hmmmm... So, i guess that means that i wasn't dressed up flashily enough to be said kept woman. hur hur, *snort*)

Anyhow, that just brought to mind how as a little girl, dad would hold my hand in his chunky ones after church service on a sunday morning as we walk toward the coffeeshop that we always patronize for brunch.
And along the way, i'd be running a song through my head and i'd let my fingers play an imaginary piano, by pressing onto dad's palm.

Little girls holding on to daddy's hands is socially acceptable, but not when the little girl has grown up.
But i AM still daddy's little girl! Just taller, looking slightly different, with pimple scars and no longer carrying assorted cutesy stationary and colouring books in a cutesy little bag.

Talking about nostalgic thoughts of the past regarding the parentals, i feel like crying as i listen to "Fly Away" by Corrinne May. It's about how her mother felt (about her daughter leaving the family and country to achieve her dreams) : Loving too much to not let her go but still hurting inside to know that her daughter will be so far away. And so as the years go by, one night she gets a call from home regarding her mother. And when she returned, well, she didn't say exactly what happened, but i guess you can assume that her mother had either left the worldly existence/was very very ill.

It's so ironic how beauty can be derived from looking tenderly at something sad.

*tear drop*

Monday, October 24, 2005

The waves of war are over and done with, and i thank GOD for bringing me through it without losing my mind (i kid you not on this). To all my friends and my significant other who've kept me in prayer... A big,

"Thank You!"

I've been really blessed with all the well wishes and kind support coming in from everyone and even from my archery club president! *takes a bow* It is simply by being remembered and all that makes one feel soooo loved. :-)

*** ***

I remember making a list of things to do after my exams, and yeah, i plan to carry them out. There're just about a gazillion things i wish to take head on. But for now, i am content to stay around at home to recuperate from all the late nights and mental activity over the year and for the last few weeks.

Been wanting to go sweat it out at the gym and go arching too, but as life likes to poke fun at me, i have just come down with a flu. Gah, i SO love awaking to the wonderful, uplifting feeling of a sorethroat and a stuffed up nostril. Woohoo!

But never me mind, it shall soon pass, and i'll be as good as new. La dee da.

Anyway, these are my current additions to the list:

- Go to Ikea with misS_D
- Spend time with my Gem

Hm, i had a lot more leh, what happened?

Cannot remember... *scratch*

- Dye hair and do something else to it, maybe.
- Oh yes! Catch up with old mates. I know i promised you gals/guys all the time to go yak!
- Clear room
- go for the tree top trail at MacRitchie

*** ***

This blog entry is really about nothing much... I know i've got some things on my mind, but i am too lazy to develop any coherent thoughts on them. Probably explains in part why i am such an intellectually unstimulated bimbo with nothing smart to say sometimes. Er, most of the time.

In addition to that yummy layer of cheese, there's egg-mayo filling inside the potato too! I am so brilliant. *smug*

Eh hm.

All right, ok, not quite. I just need to psycho myself up for the next few days when Mom won't be around. That makes me Maria 101, since the sister will be busy and there's no way on Earth i can run away from house chores now.

As promised, i shall go to bed early. I am determined to reset this upset biological clock.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Singapore's Own Breed of Nocturnal Creatures

Why can't i get money (ok, not that i am working but i still want money because i am a non-working, pathetically dependent student) the same way my face makes pimples?!
Fast to come, in huge amounts and they are biiiigggg. Freaking Pimple Farm. *mumble*

Some time ago, my Gem and i were having a MSN conversation on whether the Night Safari had accomodation for us... (because we were often up late trying to complete school work)

So, this is my imaginary Night Safari summary of... the Tertiarius Studustus, in English meaning, Tertiary Students: (*requires insider local knowledge)

"And look to your left hand side! You will now be able to see the Tertiatrius Studustus enclosure, housing the creatures also known as Tertiary Students, one of Singapore's most important form of economic dependency and one of the first native nocturnal animals. They are mostly concentrated on the west end of our urban country, their most distinctive and lauded physical feature being the perfectly shaped dark rings around their eyes.

Other variations of the species include the ones that migrated away from the west into the central part of Singapore, perhaps seeking to be different, and thus also creating for themselves a highly advanced and spacious town habitat.

The other species variations, more inclined towards the fine arts, reside in both the central and east end of the island, living a somewhat less but no doubt seasonal exhibitionist lifestyle. But do not be fooled by this as they have shown to have acquired a vibrant name for themselves over the years. This unique vibrancy is not limited to just their reputation, but also to their attractive fur coat colours that come with their outrageous sense of style.

It is known that Tertiarius Studustus are a primarily monogamic species, but it has also been noted that polygamy is not an uncommon procreation practice. Studies have shown that with the well provided facilities on the west end, the Tertiarius Studustus has proven to be sexually active all year round although infant mortality has yet to be determined and recorded through further research."



Back to work.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

To some small degree, and i can only vouch for that much because my faith is so small, i am beginning to understand just a little of what it means that when they say: "When you're walking on a tough and bumpy stretch of road, God is nothing but far away from you, but is in fact, walking closely right beside you."
Or as the story of the "Footprints" goes - There is only one set of footprints in the sand because those do not belong to me... But they are the Lord's : for it is He who carried me through the hard times.

It is in these troubling moments of uncertainty when instead of asking God: Where are you?
I tell Him: God, i trust you. I commit to you, all of me.

Uhm, i concede that that doesn't always happen, really. Like when the Academic War was approaching and the heat was being turned up higher, i was so shaken and maniacally panicky, it took my cell group and my Gem to keep me focused on the words of truth.

Therefore as i've said, my faith is so small that when a bigger crisis strikes, i am sure going to need a lot more faith and extra extra chilli tobasco sauce external support from others to help me be reminded to keep The Cross before my eyes. (not keep my eyes crossed)

I don't say this to glorify myself, but it is to share this little snippet: That i've seen that He is really worthy, really really worthy to be trusted with every aspect of my life.

There's no doubt that i've placed God in a box and yelled constantly at Him before. But time and time again, He has always faithfully seen me through my dark valleys.

So, in those periods when you feel that everything is spinning wildly out of control, just think... He is there, right next to you, to just give you the strength to carry on and also, His loving hand to hold on to for comfort.

Why turn a loving Father away when all He wants to do, is to love you?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

For some reason, and probably in my tired stupor after a long long saturday, i thought of something quite lame...

There's this Christian song that goes like:

"God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me..."

Now, substitute "Way" for "Wei" (but of course, "Wei" refers to my Gem. *grin*)

*God will make a "Wei",
When there seems to be no "Wei",
He works in "Wei"s, we cannot see,
He will make a "Wei" for me.*

Hur hur hur.


Wa lao! Who threw the biscuit tin at me! *ouch* Good joke wad! >8-< Aye, very apt one ok?

I think i did go into some detail before as to why it is so apt. But anyway. All i will say is that, whenever i reflect back over the years, i STILL marvel and smile inwardly over how our lives have been shaped and led.

Heh, i bet you've already tired of hearing me say this over and over again. But taking the time to soak in the details keeps me thankful and mindful always. To be constantly reminded not only just *what* i have, but also really, of the *beauty* of what i have and how it came around, makes me treasure us and not take it all for granted.

And i daresay that so far although having had experienced people coming (and going, sometimes) into my life, who've no doubt made it a great learning journey along the way (a Thank You to all of you, if you're reading this), i've never felt this way about someone and about a relationship before. Because of that very fact, i've come to learn and assimilate countless life changing lessons and have done things that I've never done before.

It's been pretty amazing.

But with all things said, I should not forget the One who gave all things, the One whose will and ways I should put first and foremost in my life though thick and thin, the One who bought and brought me True Life in this worldly existence: Jesus, God himself.

*** ***

Tomorrow, i embark on the first wave of War.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I couldn't really mug properly without getting this out of my system first. So, here's my broken heart again... Poured out with reckless abandon into cyberspace. Such a strange place to do so, come to think of it.

*** ***

Yes, i know what i said and i aim to keep it that way. Peaceful, positive, face looking ahead and wholesome. But it still comes back to haunt me.

I tell the thought to stop there, shut up and go away. But then i realize that cutting it off doesn't work. And so I pause during my precious study time just so that i can spend some crucial minutes to logically rationalize about why i should let it go and why it shouldn't bother me anymore.

Mentally, i go through everything, thought by thought, and along the way, fixing and remedying the negative emotions that come when i hit a sensitive spot in the process. God had heard my desperate cries for help to deal with the pain, to see clearly, to avoid making things harder than it already was.

He was faithful from the very start when He allowed me to overcome the initial brutal gashes. That alone was pretty amazing, for it was through the worst of the worst things that i had to deal with, that i learnt how it is like to truly and fully, forgive.
I would never have been able to do that by myself - Knowing the kind of person that I am: Bitter, resentful and prideful. And dramatic.

All along while dealing with past pains, i thought that by shoving them to the back of my mind after consciously numbing the pain out, i thought that forgiveness had taken place. But how mistaken i was, because i know that deep down, it still lurked and when the time was ripe to wreak havoc, these issues would rear its ugly head and tear me into a million pieces, into a million hating beings.

I will come to terms with those things, soon, because of what the Lord has shown me.

Despite having gone through the most difficult, steep part, here comes the long roadtrip. The time period where i need to receive healing. I need this time to mend, to find reconciliation, to learn how to trust.
And it's not as if i was a very trusting person to begin with. I never ever trusted much and now i'm going to have to start again from something like, lower than zilch.

To reclaim wholeness, I need this time for the healing process to reach completion. The wounds that were inflicted are still there, open, deep, raw and sensitive to the touch.

I need to be reassured, reaffirmed, loved. To know that i am held safe in loving arms that will not let me fall. I need a place to feel safe to cry in, in all my vulnerability. I need to be kept in the truth.

I despise myself for being so weak but i'd rather be weak than to fall back once more into the deep, dark, lonely pit of anger and hatred.
I would rather be weak now and be whole later than to continue to deludedly think that i can stand tall, strong, resilient and untouchable by drawing on that disturbing pool of fuel... Fuel made from cumulated loathing and bitterness.

That is but only a false sense of security in myself, and even so, how can one continue thriving on something so unwholesome? It's a pathetic way to sustain my emotional strength.

So begone you old ways, and Lord, pour in Thy new spirit i pray.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter Scale has just hit Pakistan over the weekend, i think?

Natural Disaster upon natural disaster. Crises upon crises. Strange person(s) rising up, claiming to come in YOUR divine name.
Wave after wave of problems engulf the world today.

They don't seem to be ceasing and they are occuring so close to one another.

Lord oh Lord, are these signs of the end times? Or is this just a period of concentrated crises for a short term bigger purpose?
I take this as an indication to be more serious about the ones around us whom we love, but do not know you. We cannot afford to slack around anymore.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Archery Kaki: "Aye, your bow got grow mould already anot?"

Me: "No, no, don't have, i checked already. But got dust on the case..."

*** ***

Jia jia lat lat man... I haven't shot an arrow in months and i have actually fogotten how it's like to feel the arrow clear the arrows rest, leave the bow, see it fly and watch it land with a "thunk" on the target board.

Went back to the clubhouse today for a final committee meeting before we make a move over to the Jurong premises. Bye bye Paya Lebar, and Hello Jurong! Yeah! Nearer to my home too. *grin*

Looks like it's going to be one busy holiday break after my exams, what with all the archery kakis arrowing (oops) me to do what i should be doing as an "active member". Yeah, and at the same time, it's about time i get out there and get a proper archer's tan too. ("You're a half baked archer lah..." Dad said. Gee wow, thanks. *pout*)

"There's a time for everything ok? Now is the exam period..."
"But before exams, what were you doing? Sleeping most of the time..."

(I was seen as sleeping most of the time during the day because i was actually awake during the night, doing school work. Sheesh...)

"No, but what matters is that the love for the sport is still there.."
"But you can love a sport from your bed!"

"No... What matters is that the love is still there. The bow is not a waste as long as i still love the sport, because once the exams are over, i'll be back at it."

I tell you, he should NEVER try to win an argument over such things. Asking for trouble only. >:-I

I came home and decided to set up my bow, have a good look at it and to try to draw it as well. The draw weight was last adjusted to about 35-39 pounds and i am sad to say that i looked constipated while doing so and my bow arm was shaking before long.

I foresee a tough time ahead getting back into form - Back to my training regime both on the range and at the gym. But what can i say? That's my idea of Bliss.

Well, something else was equally Blissful, but dum dee dum. Hm, hm, hm.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Friday, October 07, 2005

How things have changed. (warning: Long and may cause diabetes or foaming at the mouth)

I cannot believe that it's the end of the year again. Back in primary school, i used to think that the years passed by at such a pathetically slow pace. It was a pain to live out a year, and i would dread having to live through the next one when January hits. But now, it's a different case altogether. Amazing.

If you scroll down, you'll see that i've placed the Archives back. I guess some people still read them. For what, i have no idea. Hur hur. (Am kidding only, don't angry k?)

This was written on the 8th of Dec, 2004. When i was very much an individualistic fella (edited slightly to be more coherent):

"I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.

(edited: the photos are NOT photos taken during my birthday, ok?)

I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.

Gone, *poof!*, are the days of "legitimate teen abhorrence" of your parents and of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)

No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.

Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to a small gathering or small gatherings, to a family affair, to... just a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories if you are lucky, on that special day.

(I haven't decided on what i am going to do on my 21st birsthday this coming December. Though honestly, i don't actually really see it as a big and exciting thing.)

Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?

Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*

Looking through photos of the birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember. First you see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture... And then as you look through the album, you might stumble upon other candid pictures of yourself with him/her and maybe some other more personal photos.

Sad, i say."

Back then when i wrote this, i was hoping that i would still be a swinging, singing single (sounds like monkey liddat) when i hit 21. I had in mind, and planned to be surrounded by just friends and family without having anyone special to share that day with me. I didn't want to have any baggages when it comes to memories and emotions if that relationship ends after an occasion like that.

Flashbulb memories are memories that tend to be lasting and vividly clear because of the emotional ties that are attached to those memories. Think of the September 11th attacks and the Vietnam War, and how it must be for those people who went through all that. Ok, a bit large scale i know, but you get my drift, correct?

So you see, i wanted to save myself from pain. Because i decided that i had experienced enough of that crap stuff for the time being. The approximately 1 and a half to 2 years worth of a backlash for a 9 month relationship was a bit... Extravagent. Hur, hur.

Yeah, yeah. Call me emotional, sensitive and touchy. I am like that lar, very loyal to the end one, ok?

But it looks like my future (or the current present) had a strange way of pulling out strings from my past and weaving them together in a thoroughly insane way that i would never have expected it to. Twisting and turning and... Er... I would've said "to poke me back in my butt" but that would mean that being attached now is a bad thing.

I am just coming to that.

I thought i could control my future, i thought i had absolute power over that. Power over what i wanted and what i didn't. Though i did acknowledge at some point that if things did change, i honestly wouldn't know what i might do.

As present circumstances would have it, i have found (or he found me?) someone who understands me, in all (ok, most) of my weird and eccentric ways, my irrational emotions, who doesn't return my rubbishy crappy attitude the same way i dish it out at him, he who somehow blows my mind when it comes to unearthly patience and tolerance, how he is able to verbalize how i feel inside when i myself can't seem to express them, how he travels from one end of the country to the other just to er, visit me, and a ton of other things that i have yet to discover or i already know, just that i hesitate to tell you for fear of boring the living daylights out of you.
Or maybe make you foam at the mouth.

(but for you, i will sing, ok, i cannot sing chant your praises if you want to know how special you are to me)

Now tell me, how can i possibly be unhappy about being with such a gem? If i could just fabricate a little scene and hope that it is not blasphemous, (God forgive me if it is so) i think i'd imagine a scene where God is working in his Laboratory of Creation:

"And now... for one of my favourite parts in Creating Stuff... *and he walks over to the corner of his Lab, and bends over a very humble looking but somehow-beautiful-in-its-simplicity chest labelled "The Better Ones" "The Gems" and gently flips it open to pick out a tiny glowing green stone-like thing*

Smiling, God drops the last one into the current concoction, "Babies for Year 1983", and waits for the green stone to dissolve before pouring the mixture over a model of Planet Earth.

"Your lives I held in my hand, and I loved you before your Earthly existence. I will love you for all time, and will always be here for you in all the seasons of your life. May i see you and meet with you again when you have lived out the life i have given you. I'm sure you'll have many questions to ask me when the time comes. =) "


Ok, maybe i went too far with the "The Better Ones". I am kidding lah because i was reminded of this comic i saw. It was a Gary Larson comic (morbid-dark humour), which i thought was rather cheeky. It was a picture of God shaking a salt shake container labelled "Jerks" over a model of Earth and saying:
"Now, to make things more interesting..."
(or something to that effect)

Anyway, everyone's a Gem in their own ways. We were all created differently but also similarly in some ways. ;-)
But of course as you already know and can obviously see, i am being totally and unapologetically biased. La dee da.

Am i making you foam over your keyboards now? Wait i am not done yet!

And so yes... I "broke my own stay-single-at-21 rule" and i am not regretting it. How can i regret it when...

(Wa lao eh! Joline! Stop it already lah! So mushy, *choke* i want to die already...! *cough* *gag*)

Ok Folks, i hear you.

Back to mugging.

*Thanks mom for letting me enjoy my birthday during the holiday season. How perfect.*

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I now pronounce you... 2 years of age, "The Vacuum"! To more years of collecting my cerebral rubbish.

(Too lazy to get a more dignified looking vacuum, you know, the age old "Rainbow" brand one we've got that has withstood the years. It is just a few years behind me, perhaps about 14-15 years old, i think?)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Do you think it has become way too cluttered? The "Comrades" portion was done in a bid to give my friends more character here than just being Names-on-the-Blog.

And i was just wondering if anyone knows how to create those Click-Me-And-I'll-List-Out-the-whole-bunch-of-Contents thing. It would be gorgeous if i knew how to do that, though I reckon that if i put ALL that into a scroll... I might blind and confuse myself too.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Wow, now, when was the last time that i actually managed to stay away from blogging for a week?

Going through those 23 comments from the previous post (and counting, if anyone else leaves me anything) really makes me smile.
A Thank You to everyone who contributed to making that special day memorable... with your comments, MSN chit chats and calls... (it's quite funny, come to think of it)
*chuckle* You know who you are. ;-)

And of course, to you.

*** ***

The Technoidiot has done it again. I have conquered HTML.


Er. I mean... Erm, ok... Well...
It's been a long while since i said that i wanted to switch to Blogger Comments, which is a lot more reliable, i think. But since i had no idea which were the the Haloscan HTMLs to delete, i had put this on hold, and for way too long.

Ah well, i've finally figured out what to do (and during the meddling, i was terrified of accidentally deleting the WHOLE HTML TEMPLATE. Hence I made sure that i kept copying and saving it onto Word) and hieh hieh, i am happy to say that i have my template saved up in Word and i shall be switching soon.

Being a Sentimental (and sometimes for the dumbest things), I feel sad that all the comments that you, my friends, have all left for me will disappear from sight. :-( But i guess it will be an improvement, looking at the bigger picture.

Change is constant and this change will, i believe, serve you and me better. Yay!

Alamak, machiam like such a big issue liddat... Arhh. I am a Sentimental ok?