Tuesday, March 08, 2005

feeling: seh.

Sleeping properly/enough/and awaking without a headache...
Has become a luxury recently.

My bed wasn't occupied last night. Looks like another 24 hour work marathon thing almost got recorded for the second time.

By God's Grace, my brain is still functioning pretty well even after working on the essay for all those hours.

I hardly noticed the hours go by.

I find it hard to fathom how the hours seemed so short.


I definitely wasn't having fun but i guess i was just... pretty desperate.

Lord... Thank you.

But i realized that my tutor wanted it a certain way, so i have to go back and rearrange and write more.


I "passed out" sometime in the morning when the rest of Singapore was awakening.
Man, i was told that i had better not let this become a habit. I may get insomnia, so says someone who's been through this same phase.

*** ***

It was painful and I look back on it with different coloured vision every now and then.

Sometimes i feel regret, sometimes i feel:

it hurts like my heart had been through a massive compressing machine with spikes on it and hasn't healed. but if i hadn't done what i did, i wouldn't have had the chance to do what i love and want to do for life. amongst many other things. and chances are, may not have met all the people in my life today. Plus, God may not be this strong in my life too had i not done what i had to.

Come to think of it, it feels like, it just happened not long ago.
It's still pretty vivid emotionally though the other details are fuzzy.

I am even amused thinking about it.

In the space of 3 years:
- good friends can come back together and REMINISCE about the happenings in the past years.
- people can easily forget friends
- most people at least, would move on and live life as per normal

in other words, 3 years is a LONG TIME.

And how does my antagonistic heart exist?

It can be cold, hard and unreceptive to love, and at other times, it pines and bleeds.

To the guy who:
Can break the ice, melt every bit of it, march 7 rounds or more around the Jericho wall till it collapses, who can gently open me up with such simple ease with warm honesty, love (Godly and romantic) and humour (wit/morbid/smartly annoying), who can hum in tune with my off kilter frequency with absolute comfort...

You're the man, aye.

Till then, there'll be a wall of politeness, not total honest blabbering, and not baring who i am.

FOr some reason, i can't control it. It just happens.

I guess the onus is on the external environment now. Only when i can truly connect with someone, will i peek over the wall, consider cautiously lowering the draw bridge or maybe breaking it down.

But if the time is right, and if there's something right about him and our relationship with God, then who knows?

I can't even say it outright. The heart lives in solitude and is unreceptive to romantic love.

There is no trust in it.

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