Friday, October 01, 2004

Relationships: It's a love and hate thing. (Get the pun?! Anyway, a long, honest and probably incomplete ramble)

Hello peeps! Many thanks for the comments that you've been leaving behind, and i want ya'll to know that they are very much appreciated! With effect from NOW, i will be replying to your comments via the comment box itself. This way, i can reply faster and blog posts will be shortened. Thanks. :-D
Yeah, so no replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.

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Since joining cell, i am meeting new people at an exponential rate!
There's the good and bad of it all.
I am quite the idealist and perfectionist.
But i have to recognize and acknowledge the fact that i am not superwoman, that i need time to adapt, adjust, and fill out into my own skin, which i have not in the past few years!

I blabber a lot about meeting new people because of the very simple fact that it MEANS A LOT to me.
People who don't know what i'm struggling with won't really understand the significance of this "stepping out" into the social world and what it means to me.

(sounds as if i just got released from jail term or just fresh out from the ...... bin)

Am just coming across person, after person, after person... It's overwhelming.

I keep wanting to get home as soon as possible, curl up inside my shell, block out the active world and hide behind the computer screen.

On the flipside, there is another part of me that wants to immerse myself back with people, to once more be like everyone else, able to socialize and contribute.

I tell myself each time when i expect too much, i should just take it easy.
Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies, and they are entitled to it.
I am just afraid that people cannot accept me for who i am.

I long to meet new people in church, that in time, i can call true friends. It's really hard but i guess i should try to downplay the anxiety and let God take the joystick. Erm, i mean controllers.

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Goodness, two years to get over a less-than-one-year serious relationship.
How am i suppose to cope if more dreadful things happen in future?
Bleah, not that i am being pessimistic, but it is the truth that you cannot ignore right?
You don't know what's ahead of you.

I think i need to go psychotherapize myself. *wahaha*
Because i think i have a cognitive problem linked with relationships now.

Relationships scare me and shake me up to the core.
I don't know how to be in one anymore, i am so scared of feeling the same old pain again.
Plus, the same old nagging feeling of "I DON'T TRUST YOU."
Even when Trust is one of the most basic and important foundations in a relationship, apart from Honesty and the rest.
I'M SORRY, but guys have never given me reason to trust them at all.

Although i feel like my life could accomodate someone (erm, i think), i cringe at the thought of the reality that comes along with a relationship.
And i shield away like a maddened horse.

I think that as a result of this fear, i now realize that i have been constructing, (at the back of my mind) a figure of the perfect guy for me.
(note: But... hm, no one said the "most suitable" guy didn't exist right? He doesn't have to be PERFECT. I digress.)

In order to defend against the same pain, i have drawn up some blueprint of how the NEW HE should be...
The other weird thing too, is that despite me wanting someone who's NOT him, i also want someone LIKE him.

So, i am doing a mix and match thing and the result is quite likely to be unattainable...
Yes guys, i hear you. I know it's not like i am entitled to customize my new car or something!

Yeah, but the rationale is so that we will get along reasonably well, we will complement each other, he will get along with my family & friends, and we will get married and live happily ever after.
Don't tell me that that's a fairytale. People DO get married have live happily ever after ok.

I'm not feeling sorry over this, it's just an honest reflection and thus my take on this.
There'll probably be more of these when i wonder about how old i am getting...

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I see so many of my peers moving along with their lives with someone while i am one of those who look at them and think:
When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn? When, when, when...
Wish i had that too. But who do i have?
No one.
Gah, so am i going to be left on the shelf or something.

In a few years time, people are going to be asking me when i am going to get married!

I believe God has my life in His hands, He has His plans.

I am probably not going through the right time for anything else but Him and school and ARCHERY!
(gosh, when was the last time you heard me yabber about that? Feels like a few lightyears)

I am being impatient about my life! Sad to say, impatience is one of my bad points.
Been trying hard to swallow my burgeoning cries for things that i think is best for me.
Down with self satisfying desires!

I wonder if the saying is true.
Chase after Love and it eludes you, wait patiently and it will find you.
Strangely, i find it nonsensical at first, but when i fit it with real life instances, it seems to make a little more sense.

This is one long post.

Have so much to say these days that i have a few saved drafts, waiting to be published.

So, as much as i fear and feel apprehensive being around people...
The irony turns it around.
I WANT to be around people, to be a friend and in turn, have friendships that are in for the long haul.

The simple conclusion/solution to this would be:
Know who I am, what i'm like and BE MORE CONFIDENT!
Aim to please...? There's got to be a line to draw there.

Before i bore anyone anymore on this, let's part for now.

Till Then.
*It's not that I don't care, or don't want anything to do with you. I do, but it's hard. But, when you find that you can open up to me, you'll discover the loyal friend that i can be.*

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