Saturday, October 16, 2004

Long... Aimless... Droooonnee...

No replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.
And that includes posts that have been pushed from the screen.

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While studying, memories of some past events kept flashing before my mind's eye.
(what "better time" than now. Bleah!)

Most of those memories were the crazy and totally stupid things that i've done in the past.

As much as they are unpleasant, bury-6-feet-underground-worthy, "burn it with mental flames!" and you-wished-it-never-happened-in-the-first-place...

The very fact that i came out of them and actually learnt a thing or two makes their very occurence worthwhile. Ironically.
It is BECAUSE of these things that i have been moulded and learnt not to repeat them.

Who would i be without experiences?
Who would i be without being in situations, circumstances that test me?
Most probably in a world of idealism, hypotheses with fairies and gnomes to boot.

Not to say i am a now street and world wise little witch, because in fact i still am a naive blind worm, but i am glad for trials... and crazy stupid life events.

After one particular recent post, a friend sent me this sms although i don't know if he read that post:

"Learn to love the people who are willing to love you at present, forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting you which led you to love the people you have right now. Morning my friend!"

(edited for erm... international understanding)

Ok, you don't exactly "forget" the people in the past per se, but you do get the drift.
Thanks Azlan. :-)

*** ***

Very surprisingly, the "passing hello friend"(PHF) actually contacted me twice within the space of a month!
D'you know how RARE that is? (i will spare the 4D phrase)

A friend says i get all "happy" when i talk about PHF.
I do? Even now...?
Thought that period was over already.

*** ***

I am currently TRYING to mug the topic on Dyslexia and ironically, i am not understanding or keeping up mentally/intellectually with the material.

Find myself reading the same lines over and over and over and NOTHING is being assimilated! HOW UTTERLY FOUL!
And i can spend an hour doing just that. I have temporarily given up, which is why you are reading this.

I am even missing cell group on saturday just to buy time to mug. How sad is that.
Missing dinner out with church friends as well, for ANOTHER WEEK, because i'm trying to buy time.

I can JUST ENVISION that MOMENT, after my paper, when i grab my bag from the exam hall and.......

Not sure.
I'd either be cussing, moaning and groaning or smiling and feeling contented while scooting out.

It could go either way. It could go... either way.

I can honestly say that so far, i have put in whatever i am humanly capable of.
I have had my bouts of despair, long stubborn breaks and distractions.
(that mostly stem from an information overload)

But i've also spent a fair share doing honest work in the library, painstakingly making notes, ignoring the as-cold-as-ACJC-library-if-not-colder-SIM-library and working as hard as i can.
I've been having late nights too which serve as potentially perfect excuses for headaches to wreak havoc.

*** ***

I told you this is a long and kind of aimless ramble. I'm having one of those moods when you just feel like you need an outlet to just talk and talk, yarn and yarn, babble and babble.

Since there is no one to talk to now at this time of the night, where else but the blog?
So i am going to keep stoning in front of my pc till i obtain a fragment of thought, following which i will just put it down.

*** ***

It's so annoying how my mind drifts as i stare at my textbook.
It drifts to the past and drifts to self fashioned scenarios (that can get pretty scary).

Sometimes, it gets so out of hand that i (don't laugh la, preesh.) wave my hand about myself and tell myself "don't be such an a**!", "you crazy bi***".

Yes, i am weird... Hear me roar.

*** ***

I recently had a memory about a thought i used to entertain when i was a lot younger.

I was a very bitter person (maybe still am, a little) in the past and there were a few people in my young life that i totally abhored.

What would happen is, when i got really mad with any one of those people,

1. i would imagine that the person and i are in something like a boxing ring.
2. the person is now immobile and cannot do anything to defend her/him self.
3. i then proceed to bash up the person and yell (comprises of questions, explanations, screams of hatred, i think) at the person.

I don't know why i'm saying all this here. I guess i need to get it out.
I am a scary person, no?

Another scene i used to conjure and wish COULD really happen is, (and not as violent)

1. the person i feel that has some serious problem and/or has wronged me, is sitting or standing, whatever.
2. he or she cannot say anything no matter how much they want to. In fact, they cannot do anything except sit quiet and listen to every word i have to say. Only the brain can function.
3. It is only after i have talked all i needed to tell them why they have wronged me, can they speak for themselves.

Am i creeping you out?

I told my sister all that and she was like: "How therapeutic."

*** ***

Wonder who actually managed to read all that......
I doubt that i myself, will be able to read through it a second time!
Truly one of those, i-neeeeed-to-talk moods.

Ha, whosoever becomes my future boyfriend/husband (IF EVER!!!) had better know how to listen. (and NO EARPLUGS OK!)
Or know how to yak just as much.
Yakky guys are good company, and better still if you are a bit kuku like me.

Ok... i am going into a subconscious state, rendering myself useless for anymore mugging.

Till Then.
*Love you, all my friends! I'm not -that- bitter anymore lah.*

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