S'all Good.

Had a great time before, during and after church yesterday.

BEFORE:
We had cell group so we used that time to pray for each other since most of cell mates are going to take on the exams next week.
It was great time of just uplifting each other in prayer.

DURING:
Rather strangely, we had this forein preacher who came to give us the message and it was entitled "Don't Worry".
It was so cool because it was SO APPROPRIATE for everyone struggling with exams.
What was more interesting was that he had never preached on this topic before in all his years of experience.
He just felt that God had placed it upon his heart to bring us that designated message.

Isn't God GREAT?!

YESSS!!!

AFTER:
We headed down to the usual hawker centre for dinner.
It was TOTALLY HILARIOUS. Having the right mix of people around made dinner a real hoot.

I've never laughed so hard and genuinely in a long time!

Oh, and i've discovered...
MAKE-UP MAKES ONE A LIE!
A PHYSICAL LIE!!!

I am a black eyeshadow and black mascara person.
WAIT, don't think drag queen or something lah.

I don't put much at all.
But being complimented for something one does not really have is... just... not right.
Oh well.

What good is it if you are complimented for outward looks when you feel truly ugly inside?
:-(

*** ***

GOOD SHOOTING/ARCHING TODAY!!!

Think i'll just call it "arching" from now on.

The national team has returned and so has the national coach.

The good news is, he intends to make me shoot 70m along with the team next week.
(at long last, some form of breakthrough, small or not, it doesn't matter.)

I just started on 50m today after my month long break.
BUT WHO CARES?!?!
70m HERE I COMETH!

I am happy with my form and groupings today.
Good arching today.
GOOD GIRL, well done, me.

It ain't perfect but i think i got qualitatively better.
My weight training has done me good.
And i think my break has done me good too.

I no longer just keep shooting end after end despite knowing that i am no longer going to be productive.
Hopefully, i've passed that "over-excited" mentality and am a more mentally matured/focused archer.

Discovered a funny thing.
One ex-national team member thought i was already in the team.
(HOW he got that notion, i do not know.)
And apparently, this news was passed on to someone else.
Good thing i cleared that up pretty quick.

It's not just this instance because there was another once as well.
I never realized that people actually talk about me.

You find out only when it gets to you.
It feels odd because i don't consider myself a prominent figure at the range.
When you realize that word actually gets around... you realize the seriousness of the fact that what you say can also go around just as quick.

It's quite scary/unsettling at times.
Hopefully, most of it is harmless information.

Gotta go. Birthday dinner wth family!

*** ***

(11pm)

I am beat. Nice and tired out.
Perfect for a good K.O.

Good night ya'll.

Till Then.
*Always Trust in the Lord.*

:-< (updated...again)

I feel violated.

*** ***

(2:47pm)

I feel a heaviness in my heart since i awoke and as i go about the day.

Thank God i have cell and service later... To immerse in nothing else but the Lord. To just worship Him because He's the head of all things, He's Everything.
The one i know i can turn to regardless of what life as in store.

I hate the feeling that's hanging over me.
I shake my head in a bid to get it out... physical manifestation but of course it doesn't work.

Must deal with this like another of life's experiences.
Such things serve to build me up, whether in maturity or emotional strength or whatever else.

It may look like something trivial on the surface, but in truth, it runs deeper.
YES, you wouldn't understand.

Okay, off to church i go.

Lord, please sustain me.

Might come back to ramble more.

*** ***

(9:26pm)

Ya know, you know how some troubled people keep their problems to themselves while everyone says it's always best to spill?

Well, how about this. I want to spill but i only have my blog for company. I don't want to trouble my girl friends who are coming face to face with their exams and can jolly well do without my whining, nor do i want to subject another friend to my endless whinings about my own problems.

I feel like a first class brat.

So there. My dear blog. It's just you and me, honey.

It feels so weird not blabbering things to a human being. So used to being blessed that way.

So yeah... I've already made my move... And i don't know what else i need to do to make amends.
Is what i've done inadequate?
Must i do more? Am i expected to do more?
If so, i'm sorry, but i don't know. Honestly.

Am i blowing it out of proportion? I think i do that sometimes.
I think the ball is no longer in my court.

I really think i should give myself a real huge smack, right across my face with a sperm whale.

Me and my stupid honesty.
Me and my STUPID HONESTY.
Me and my STUPID BRUTAL HONESTY.

I don't expect anyone to be reading this through because right now, this is just me talking to self, more or less.

If i feel "violated" (strong word, but that's what i mean), which i do, i wonder why i feel like i have to make the peace.
I think... "normal" was not the word of the day. DEFINITELY NOT.

Talk about multiple sides to a person. I really don't know what to think now.

I know/I guess you wouldn't be reading this.
Personally, it's all well and good if you do anyway.

Am i being overeactive and emotional? Good heavens, why am i pouring it all out here.
Whoever knew this side of me.

Maybe life has been too good.
I need to be awoken from my little puny world. HELLO?!

It's eating me. Eating me inside.

Stream of consciousness anyone.
My eyes are drooping, getting lazy, slow... Brushing teeth feels like it's going to take all my energy.

I'm swinging between fear, confusion, pain, disgust.

Why do i even bother? Why do i get so moody?
Because friends mean so much to me. A single friend means so much to me.
You don't know how hard it is, you don't know my history, you don't know a lot of things.
So don't you even dare.

I am wasted. Without the booze.

Ya know what.
I'm tired of this shit for today. Enough.
Like i said, i didn't expect anyone to read this. If you did... Goodness knows what you're thinking now.

Till Then.
*I consider my part to be done. It's in your hands.*

If only i knew. (updated)

But FIRST...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IVAN!!! *confetti!*
Blessed Birthday, my friend. :-)

*** ***

I've been assigned the marketing job with respect to the Archery Club of Singapore.
I'm freaking and procrastinating (yes, i ADMIT it) because i'm so scared of messing the entire thing up.
What does jo know about marketing and advertising?

ZILCH! ZERO! NULL! NOTHING!

*buries face in hands in despair*

This isn't some school project, this is REAL WORLD stuff.
REAL MONEY, REAL TEAM WORK, REAL TARGET AUDIENCE.

*screams*

*** ***

I don't like thinking over it and coming to a conclusion i'm not even sure about.
Why can't it just be as clear as summer sky?

Silence is beautiful.
Silence is peaceful.
Silence can be a conversation on its own.
I love the "right" silence.

But it's also nice to hear those sweet words.
Just for that small instant...
The day ends on a perfect note.

But sadly, people are strange and such is life.

*** ***

I am proud and not proud of self.

Went gymming today, starting out on my archer's training programme.
Problem is, my knee kept crying out to me after the gymming session even though i only had a very short jog.
*FROWN*
Old injury.

I then went on another of Jo's i-don't-know-where-i-am-going-to-go-but-i-am-going-to-find-that-place-anyway trips.

On a quest to find my Jurong Archery Centre! YES! THERE IS ONE NOW!

Spent a good hour or two trudging around the Jurong area, with the industrial, residential and what-have-you buildings.

After hunting back and forth, i went into a residential provision shop.
Before stepping in, i asked the Lord to give me someone who KNOWS where the place is and also to UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! (was praying against coming face to face with an ancient ah pek)

Lo and behold, a friendly teenage girl was behind the counter and she was exactly who i needed.
So, with her accurate directions, i finally made it there!

THANK GOD! :-)

I do like embarking on those i-don't-where-the-place-is-but-i'll-find-my-way-around trips.

Unfortunately, i treated myself to an ice-blended WHITE CHOCOLATE drink. (super sinful but i didn't quite like it though after a few gulps)

And when i got home, i stuffed my face with M&M white chocolate.
*mumble*
There goes my gym session.

Till then.
*I hope and i wonder.*

Word of the Day: sian

Archery Sunday:

I was ACTUALLY BORED during archery practice today.
That is VERY UNUSUAL.

It's been more than a month i think of archery's absence in my schedule.
So, i should be hopping mad with enthusiasm, right?
WRONG!

Well, all in all, i can say that i am happy with my form. My groupings were there, good stuff.
Even for short range recurve. HAH.

I guess what made things dull was that the indoor range's distance was pretty sad. Less than 18m.
That's a piece of cake for compound archers.

All in all, i got more exercise from lugging my equipment there and back home than from shooting/arching.

Everybody, please laugh with me:

Walking along Orchard when this lady came right up to me and said:
"Would you like to be a model?"

WAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaaaaa!

Things sure happen for a reason:

I had a GEMs profiling exercise in church yesterday. It was about finding your spiritual gifts so that you are better able to serve in the church, Christian community and beyond...

And then the sermon we had that day itself was on "Shaped to Serve".
It really spoke to me because serving in a ministry with whatever i may possess has been an issue with me lately.
I feel like, it's time that i contribute and serve in church.

So, before the congregation was released, there was the FIRST altar call.
I felt SUPER COMPELLED to go forward for prayer. But i was struggling inside.

I felt something yelling in me to make a step forward but yet i looked around me and noted that not many people went up for prayer and that my cell mates didn't seem moved by it.

So, it kinda made me feel so uneasy inside to step up in front of hundreds of people.
Including my parents.

It wasn't just the uneasy feeling about stepping forth.

The struggling also came from wondering whether the urging was really from God, or emotions.
Or whether this message was really meant for me and that serving is really an issue in my life and that i am not kidding myself.

I wondered if this was truly the first step into understanding my calling in my Christian walk.

I began to pray...
Asked God: You know, if this is really meant for me, show me a sign Lord. Let something happen to tell me that this is really an urging from you.

True enough, the pastor up front made a SECOND call saying, "Church, if you feel as if you are struggling inside, all the more... Come forward and we will pray for you."

The rest, you can guess. :-)

*

I grumbled and mumbled, wondering what was going on.
And then, the next split second, you called.

Strange looks:

There's this Barang Barang branch at Paya Lebar. I've never been there before and so when i spotted it from a distance, i decided to pop in to have a look. It looked really classy and cosy from outside.

I tell you... It was SUCH A THERAPEUTIC EXPERIENCE walking through the furniture store.
The slightly dim lighting made colours more subdued, warm, and woody. It's like walking through a more sophisticated jungle home.

This branch had more stuff to see. More furniture, it was a bit more exotic, had a richer variety of household items that totally took my breath away.

BUt the MUSIC! OH THE MUSIC THEY WERE PLAYING!
It WAS SO WONDROUS!

I felt like my soul had been uplifted and was floating along with the sensual, rich and exotic heavenly sound(s).

Naturally, being a super vainpot (but a rather not-pretty one) i stopped by the Aesthetics corner to check out if they had put up the pictures.

HAH! There were pictures of Betty only. HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm nothing in comparison to her. She's SO PRETTY, that i look like scum next to her. HONESTLY.

Apparently, the cosmetics counter where both Betty and I would have our pictures on was not present at this branch.

What i found most scary/amusing/weird was that, when i walked by the cashier counter, where the group of Barang Barang staff were gathered at, one of the girls whispered something to the rest and the whole group turned around to glance at me. *aagggh*

Stupid me got lost in the rather huge store so i ended up walking around and around and around the place and well... quite scary lor.
Eyes followed.

*eek!*

But what's even more EEK worthy, was that when i was on the mrt, this ah pek kept looking at me!

HAVE I SPROUTED A SECOND HEAD SUDDENLY OR WHAT?!?!?
I LOOK VERY FARNI ISSIT?!

I think it's my terrible haircut. Sigh, fishball head, i am.

Interesting family dinner:

My mom was such a dear and cooked us a western meal and since we're trying to clear our free stock of alcohol, we opened a bottle of red wine.

Just a small little bit i had, and my heart started racing at 100 beats per minute and my face was flushed and warm!

It was funny seeing faces getting red, especially dad's, when the red started spreading down his neck and beyond! *chuckle*
Tipsy family, a rare moment.

"Whatever":

Ok, so what is being said/meant? Bleah, this and that was said, don't know what it all means exactly.
Then again, maybe i do, maybe i don't.
But whatever it is, to me, it's a straight line until proven otherwise explicitly.
Assumptions are total no-nos.

*** ***

Hope the alcohol lets me sleep real good later.

Till Then.
*loopy grin to you, mate*

archery babble

Well, of course i cannot stay away long from blogging when it's about archery, now can i?

Refletched my Arrows!:

Nothing much except that i have FINALLY refletched my 21 arrows.
20 of which i refletched BY MYSELF!
If i had left it to the guy to do it for me, i'd have to pay $2 for each arrow.

(refletch = to put on a new set of fletches to replace the old and torn ones. Fletches are "feathers" as the layman puts it.)

No way hosay am i going to do that. He was nice enough to teach me how to do it using their fletching jig.
(fletching jig = the piece of equipment for putting fletches on arrows)

I have learnt that anything in my clumsy hands becomes a dangerous weapon to anyone around me.
*cringes at my handful of totally unglam moments of klutziness*

I've switched from curly fletches to the straight rubber ones.
From yellow fletches to bright orange.

So that i can see the darn thing in the grass should it get lost if it shoots through the target board.
Wanted bright hot pink but it didn't suit the colour of my nock (nock = the thing that helps attach your arrow to the bow string) and they didn't have enough anyways.

Is this a challenge or is God trying to tell me something?

You wanna know what is SO uncanny?

1. my bow gets delayed coming to Singapore
2. It gets spoilt for a bit then fixed.
3. Team Manager chose the wrong time to "give" me my forms
4. New MC steps in and i no longer get my forms
5. The National Team move to another range, so there goes the Coach along with them
6. New MC totally stink like fresh excretion
7. We have an evil, sly, cunning, cheating, golden mouth AAS president.
8. We have an AAS secretary who SHOULD be updating the website but knows poop about computers.
9. Now, the silly fellas in Sports Council didn't bid (?) for a compound (as opposed to recurve?) event in the next upcoming SEA Games, so now my chances of getting into the team is pooped even further.
(the coach had intended to put me into the women's compound team for the SEA Games)

I tell you.
EVERY ONE of these things happened one after another in such an uncanny way.
Each time, it makes the situation WORSE AND WORSE. It's just UNBELIEVEABLE!

Is this some challenge for me to go against the odds, OR, is God trying to make me see that it's just not for me.

I am indignant because i was at first given the opportunity from the very beginning but then things began to snowball into such a huge big mess! ALL AGAINST ME.

The ONLY good thing that is going to happen now is,
THE NATIONAL TEAM IS COMING BACK TO THE RANGE TO TRAIN.
SO, HERE COMES THE COACH AGAIN.

Starting my Training Regime

I bought this book on physical training for archers.
So, yes, i am going to train by myself for the next month or so, in preparation for the upcoming Year End shoot.

I cannot make it for the SAFSA shoot because i think it's a half FITA and i cannot shoot at 60m and 70m yet.

In addition, i have to start from scratch since i'm coming back after about more than a month i think of not shooting.

Spending the hols

You know, when the long hols roll around, people around me expect me to do something "worthwhile".

Now, that's subjective.

*this portion has been omitted*

Till Then.
*DOWN WITH THE STEWPID NEW AAS MC! YOU ALL DESERVE GO TO DOWN TO WHERE YOU BELONG*
*oh and... Uhm..., cute! ;-)*

All Systems Crash

My brain refuses to work, my hands refuse to type and i feel a bit like a zombie.

It's like, with the end of the exams, all systems go B-L-A-N-K.

S-H-U-T D-O-W-N.

I had a torrent of things i had wanted to do before but i realize i can't really remember... Except for the real salient ones.

I'm not complaining lah. I'm glad the exams are over though everyone else's is gearing up to go into full swing soon.

I just don't like losing myself.

I have nothing interesting nor intelligent(if there ever was) to blog about.

Had a rotten rotten rotten lousy haircut yesterday.
Feel like breaking out into loud unkind mutterings.

*** ***

On a less negative note.

Met up with a JC good friend yesterday (after bad haircut... ARGH!) to catch up, hang around...
The usual fare of a movie, dinner, walking around and chatting.

He's like, one in a very small few who can understand, if not understand, at least can tolerate my strange eccentricities, odd mutterings and outbursts of loony behaviour.

Bless his soul.

Ok, i admit that i made my first ever debut to NYDC.
Yes, i've NEVER BEEN to NYDC so far in my pathetic tortoise life.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN JOLINE?!?!
PLUTO?!

But... Thanks Ivan for everything yesterday. You are a greatly appreciated friend.

*** ***

I know there was so much i wanted to say but my brain's gone.
Before i bore everyone...

Joline, out.

mmfhhh.

wa... i don't know why i'm typing this right now.
if i sound like some drunken ah pek, please forgive me...

exams are over, over over.
it's interesting that about a couple of days before the paper, i began to have those headaches again.
The one i had experienced not long ago due to bad sleeping hours.

As i was saying, about a couple of days ago, it returned, but were only prodding at my temples.
But it's only after the paper proper when it has escalated and taken over my head...

I know it's crummy having a headache but i THANK GOD ANYWAY, for delaying the onset of the fullblown headache.
Well, it's a natural biological thing so i just need to get my proper sleep back.
Goth Girl is now so free, it's crazy.

I'll blog more bout that later. It's now 2:06am.
I've get energy oh YEAH, but my head is in bad shape.
Howling at me to knock off and so i will, with a grumpy grunt.

OH ME, Oh my... Ohmy head...

*mmmmmmmmmmmmm..............*

The Before Exam Blabbering.

In just a few hours, Goth Girl will be released back into the real world, out from the House of Horrors...

She'll sleep like a rotting log and then awaken as a super energized archer!
*ahem*

I MISS ARCHERY!!!


Sigh. My eye bags and dark circles have been uplifted to a new level of perfection in its creation.

The skin under my eyes used to be dark.
Now, it's dark and puffy.
It's so puffy i don't need to smile to get them to enlarge.

So, i don't think you want to see me smile. Because the pure ugliness of it will kill you.

*** ***

Strange. The hours to the exam seem to be passing by at a really slow pace.
I count that as good.
Gives the illusion of longer time to revise.

I've never felt this worried about an exam SINCE THE 'A' LEVEL CHEM PAPER!

I remember studying under the Sports Complex stairs with good friend Betty...
Studying Food Chemistry at the 11th hour!
HOW HORRFIYING IS THAT?
Sheesh. 'A' Level and still so unprepared.
There was no excuse for being so unprepared.

It is by pure God's Grace that i passed Chemistry with a D.
I think that breaks Mr P Cheong's record for "poorest student's chem grade".
Oh, you see, he said that his poorest chem student got a C in the past.

And i consider myself to be the poorest or one of the poorest chem students in class.
It always applaud people who like and do and understand chemistry.

A 'D' grade is nothing spectacular of course. It's below average.
But considering that i've never passed more than 2 or 3 chemistry tests (tests: topical tests, mid and end year exams)...

THROUGHOUT my ENTIRE JC LIFE, a 'D' grade was a miracle.

Before receiving my results, i even had a dream that i had a glowing red 'F' printed on my transcript.
Traumatizing.
*hands pressed hard against cheek coupled with a horrified expression*

I am having this blunt headache prodding suggestively at my temples.

Ok, i guess the next time i'll be back blogging will be if i am either tired of revising or if i'm back after the paper.

I really hope i'll do good.
I'm not just doing this for myself, but for the parentals who've invested so much in me.
To let them down is a downright dirty deed on my part.

Lord, when i am weak, you are strong.
I do it in your strength and no longer in mine.
I commit everything into your sovereign hands...
My best i will give, and everything else is for you to deal with.
I put it into the deposit box with the hole.

Emo Jo and a half as long post. Enjoy... Topic in bold for reference. *muahahaha*

No replies here because they are where you left yours. That includes posts that have been pushed from the screen.


*** ***

Lovesick?

Mike the noble, decent, lovable, not bad looking single doctor talks in private at the hospital balcony with Carrie the mostly, goody-two-shoes, married, desirable, beautiful and pretty decent but stubborn women.

Carrie: I'm sure that you will find the perfect girl for you, Mike.
Mike: (in the most decent, pained, noble way) I have found her... But i can't have her. (this makes you almost want to cry)
Carrie: ... (looks on in speechlessness and helplessness although she already knows his predicament)

Mike: Do you know that it's taking every ounce of my will power, not to reach out and touch you, hold you and kiss you?
Carrie: ... (ditto the above)

Before she leaves,

Mike: (reaches out to her with one hand and gently touches her soft cheek.... As if to say "My heart aches so badly, I love you so much but i can't have you. This is all that can be between us.")
Carrie: (looks at him meaningfully) I gotta go Mike, i need to...

I dunno, maybe typed dialogue doesn't quite give the same impact. And the very fact that that was an excerpt from our afternoon soap opera, might just make it seem unimportant and cliche...

But when i saw and heard the way it was acted out... it just SQUEEZED my little achey breaky heart.

Then there's Pearl Habour. (ok, i couldn't hear their names exactly la, so i'll just gasak (that means "anyhow").

Emmeline: You died.
Reeve: But i'm back, it's ok now.
Emmeline: (looks undecided but proceeds with determination anyway) When you died... I died.

I think so far, that's the only line that has been ringing in my head since after the show.
When all things Lifespan Development should be instead.
Bleah, so much for studying.

*** ***

Guys and Planes

There's this thing about guys and cars, i believe i mentioned that before. Something rather sexy about it.
I think there's also something about guys and planes.

Think it's the whole: "I'm a pilot, i'm JUST SO cool... I'm so GREAT. See my gorgeous plane? See my cool shades and buff body?"

As he comes strutting out from that fighter aircraft, the proud girlfriend feels so warm and fuzzy inside that her wonderful mate is a PILOT.
And all her friends go, "oh you lucky thing... your boyfriend is SUCH a hunk..."

Hello? Wake up?!
HAHa.

CrummafuddaDud.
The stupid i'm-flying-off-to-war-and-leaving-poor-girlfriend-behind stuff reminds me of a certain person.
Oh, go away!

On a different note.

Thoughts about War... and Us.

Watching Pearl Harbour stirred up some thoughts and yeah, you guessed it. It stirred up thoughts of the reality of the terrors of war.
What the world and countries would be like (reactions, who's on whose side) if war breaks out.
What kinds of bombs and things will be showered on us. (that's putting it mildly)
How will new developments help to protect us, to whatever extent.
How do we cope in times of war.
World War III?

Ties between countries are so important.

There's a lesson to you, Mr. said-Singapore-is-the-size-of-a-piece-of-pisai.

There's so much going on around the world and who knows how long it will be before it escalates.
Bringing people from all around the world into a state of mass side-taking and whatever else is reason for war, adversity and... finally into war.

How fast, how painful would the process of death be if i got flung off from a bomb explosion?
I rather die quick than have my arms and legs chopped off one by one.

What if someone points a gun to my head, or yes, threatens to chop off my limbs in order to make me renounce my God?

Easy to say that i won't renounce God now. If ever in that situation, i really hope and pray that i'd keep to my promise.

Imagine a time war has begun on the grounds of religion.
Imagine being out with friends and suddenly you are attacked by a bunch of armed anti-Christians and they demand that "whoever's a Christian, STEP OUT NOW."

Would i?
*gulp*

I think about it and i wonder what i would do...

How about, what if i am tortured by the anti-Christians and am asked to reveal the whereabouts of my family?
Or, what if one of my family members is caught and reveals our whereabouts?

Imagine the turmoil of emotions between family members.
Can you forgive? Can you still love?
Can you still see through the situation and still love?

Ok, i think examinations make the mind think more than i should.
Not good when things you think about aren't exam related.

*looks at time*
*HOWLLLLLL*

Till Then.
*Forgive Me.*

Long... Aimless... Droooonnee...

Note:
No replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.
And that includes posts that have been pushed from the screen.

*** ***

While studying, memories of some past events kept flashing before my mind's eye.
(what "better time" than now. Bleah!)

Most of those memories were the crazy and totally stupid things that i've done in the past.

As much as they are unpleasant, bury-6-feet-underground-worthy, "burn it with mental flames!" and you-wished-it-never-happened-in-the-first-place...

The very fact that i came out of them and actually learnt a thing or two makes their very occurence worthwhile. Ironically.
It is BECAUSE of these things that i have been moulded and learnt not to repeat them.

Who would i be without experiences?
Who would i be without being in situations, circumstances that test me?
Most probably in a world of idealism, hypotheses with fairies and gnomes to boot.

Not to say i am a now street and world wise little witch, because in fact i still am a naive blind worm, but i am glad for trials... and crazy stupid life events.

After one particular recent post, a friend sent me this sms although i don't know if he read that post:

"Learn to love the people who are willing to love you at present, forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting you which led you to love the people you have right now. Morning my friend!"

(edited for erm... international understanding)

Ok, you don't exactly "forget" the people in the past per se, but you do get the drift.
Thanks Azlan. :-)

*** ***

Very surprisingly, the "passing hello friend"(PHF) actually contacted me twice within the space of a month!
D'you know how RARE that is? (i will spare the 4D phrase)

A friend says i get all "happy" when i talk about PHF.
I do? Even now...?
Thought that period was over already.

*** ***

I am currently TRYING to mug the topic on Dyslexia and ironically, i am not understanding or keeping up mentally/intellectually with the material.

Find myself reading the same lines over and over and over and NOTHING is being assimilated! HOW UTTERLY FOUL!
And i can spend an hour doing just that. I have temporarily given up, which is why you are reading this.

I am even missing cell group on saturday just to buy time to mug. How sad is that.
Missing dinner out with church friends as well, for ANOTHER WEEK, because i'm trying to buy time.

I can JUST ENVISION that MOMENT, after my paper, when i grab my bag from the exam hall and.......
Hm.

Not sure.
I'd either be cussing, moaning and groaning or smiling and feeling contented while scooting out.

It could go either way. It could go... either way.

I can honestly say that so far, i have put in whatever i am humanly capable of.
I have had my bouts of despair, long stubborn breaks and distractions.
(that mostly stem from an information overload)

But i've also spent a fair share doing honest work in the library, painstakingly making notes, ignoring the as-cold-as-ACJC-library-if-not-colder-SIM-library and working as hard as i can.
I've been having late nights too which serve as potentially perfect excuses for headaches to wreak havoc.

*** ***

I told you this is a long and kind of aimless ramble. I'm having one of those moods when you just feel like you need an outlet to just talk and talk, yarn and yarn, babble and babble.

Since there is no one to talk to now at this time of the night, where else but the blog?
So i am going to keep stoning in front of my pc till i obtain a fragment of thought, following which i will just put it down.

*** ***

It's so annoying how my mind drifts as i stare at my textbook.
It drifts to the past and drifts to self fashioned scenarios (that can get pretty scary).

Sometimes, it gets so out of hand that i (don't laugh la, preesh.) wave my hand about myself and tell myself "don't be such an a**!", "you crazy bi***".

Yes, i am weird... Hear me roar.

*** ***

I recently had a memory about a thought i used to entertain when i was a lot younger.

I was a very bitter person (maybe still am, a little) in the past and there were a few people in my young life that i totally abhored.

What would happen is, when i got really mad with any one of those people,

1. i would imagine that the person and i are in something like a boxing ring.
2. the person is now immobile and cannot do anything to defend her/him self.
3. i then proceed to bash up the person and yell (comprises of questions, explanations, screams of hatred, i think) at the person.

I don't know why i'm saying all this here. I guess i need to get it out.
I am a scary person, no?

Another scene i used to conjure and wish COULD really happen is, (and not as violent)

1. the person i feel that has some serious problem and/or has wronged me, is sitting or standing, whatever.
2. he or she cannot say anything no matter how much they want to. In fact, they cannot do anything except sit quiet and listen to every word i have to say. Only the brain can function.
3. It is only after i have talked all i needed to tell them why they have wronged me, can they speak for themselves.

Am i creeping you out?

I told my sister all that and she was like: "How therapeutic."
HAHA.

*** ***

Wonder who actually managed to read all that......
I doubt that i myself, will be able to read through it a second time!
Truly one of those, i-neeeeed-to-talk moods.
Deprived.

Ha, whosoever becomes my future boyfriend/husband (IF EVER!!!) had better know how to listen. (and NO EARPLUGS OK!)
Or know how to yak just as much.
Yakky guys are good company, and better still if you are a bit kuku like me.

Ok... i am going into a subconscious state, rendering myself useless for anymore mugging.

Till Then.
*Love you, all my friends! I'm not -that- bitter anymore lah.*

Ploughing through.

Note:
Hello peeps! Many thanks for the comments that you've been leaving behind, and i want ya'll to know that they are very much appreciated! With effect from NOW, i will be replying to your comments via the comment box itself. This way, i can reply faster and blog posts will be shortened. Thanks. :-D
Yeah, so no replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.

*** ***

I have decided that that guy is just simply that kind of person so there is totally nothing going on.

"I have to get used to these things..."

Anyway, off for now because i will be minced if i don't finish the all important "consciousness" topic for my exam.
Not sure if i'll update because most of the things in my head incline towards
"PERSONAL", and everything else is just random scrappings from a tired and sloppy pig swill brain.
(does that ring a cruel bell? *smirk*)

Yeah, so, as most of the psychology students would declare but since we are all hardworking, diligent and never-say-die people who're hungry for success, as unconscious as we are, we shall endeavour to mug!!!
(and mind you, the consciousness topic is just a little abstract...)

G'day.

Befuddled

Grr.

I feel as if every minute of my life has to be filled with studying, mugging, sitting at my table staring at a textbook memorising things.
If i am not studying or doing anything school work related, i feel guilty.
I feel guilty even when i take a short trip out to spend time with myself.
The irony is ... I hate doing work.

*howl*

I wouldn't be awake now if i wasn't being an idiot earlier on.
I was already almost done with my psych chapter (on psychoanalytic and humanistic psych) but i was a bullhead and went on surfing the net... and even playing a vocab game.

So now i am stuck with work at 2am and I AM ANNOYED.

I also have, right now, an irritated stomach/intestines because of some powderful homemade chilli.

I have been doing mindmaps to help me remember my work, and i think i can say that it has helped somewhat though it takes an awful long time to do a good one.
Then again, a "good one" isn't exactly suppose to be stuffed with too much info right?

*miserable mumble*

Yeah, so on my first try at the mindmap thing, i found out, "WOW! you mean everything in the chapter can be condensed like this?"
(was never one to believe in it at one point, you see.)

Nice concept right?

But no, workaholic Jo had to go and do some other inane thing to make life more complicated for herself, because the mindmap looked too deceivingly simple.

Please tell me that i am a silly poot.

Arrrhhh, i'll take my leave as for now.
Blogging isn't going to help me finish that chapter.

I think my pocket Oxford dictionary is friggin' outdated. It doesn't have "befuddled" in it.

Feeling: Lazy.

1.
I am seriously addicted to Bubble Tea. Why am i typing with capital first letters? It's not like it's God...
See? It's become something important.

I've gotten seriously hung up on bubble tea. I don't know.
I suggest that they have now laced the drinks with some subtle substance to bring back the money making trend.

Yah, yah, stupid i know. But WHY OH WHY?!
I'm NOT PREGNANT.

I tell you, since the advent of "Sweet Talk" (a dessert and bubble tea chain) with their marvellously low prices for the stuff,
I CANNOT GO BY WITHOUT BUYING MYSELF BUBBLE TEA.

It has become a tad more serious that it has recently escalated from one cup per purchase, to now THREE cups at one go.
The absurd reasoning is: I am worried that by the time i get home, my first cup would have been completely polished off and i'd have nothing left "for later".

I am THAT addicted.

2. (HONEST)
Am i really so undeserving of a place in our local unis? (aside from SMU, but even then, it was my last choice.)

Firstly, I couldn't even get into one of the "dumping ground" courses where people with grades WORSE than mine got in.
Secondly, even with the SAT and Chinese components scrapped, (which coincidentally were the 2 things i vehemently THOUGHT was blocking my path into my desired course in uni) i STILL couldn't get in.
I prayed and asked, and thought that if God felt it was for me, I'm sure that by pure supernatural intervention, he could've easily given me a place.

But it was never meant to be.
I guess things I want don't fall into God's plan for me. As much as i long to be elsewhere, who knows, something good can come out of this.

It was just like how i excelled in my humble neighbourhood school.
Ok, though I did became a rather icky person in some sense (i hope i have remedied that a little since then), i was also given opportunities i would MOST probably have NEVER been given had i gone to some high-ranking girls' school.
Because of what my teachers saw in me, i discovered (some) of my talents and grew in some areas of what makes me.

No doubt i would never know what a better school would've groomed me into, but it was within that humble environment, that i could shine.
And eventually, i did well in my 'O's and went to my dream JC. (which is a different story of love and hate)

I guess being where i am now could've been used to teach me humility which is something i lack.
Yes, i admit, i am a snob.

3.
Guys are SO ODD. Ok, ok, maybe just this one is.
It's like, one minute, his actions seem to indicate the desire for something more than friendship, and the next, he treats you either like everyone else, or he more or less couldn't really bother.

All right, don't jump into conclusions. I won't tell you if you ask, because it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad or guilty or anything.
In this case, ignorance is bliss for you.

No more sweet talkers ever, i don't like sweet talkers, and if you are one, use it erm, in moderation, or exclusively for the girl you really like. (AND MEAN IT!)
Not for every girl you want to string along.
Or every girl. Period.

Till Then.
*Biological Psych. My favourite*

What a day. But i... Loved it.

Note:
Hello peeps! Many thanks for the comments that you've been leaving behind, and i want ya'll to know that they are very much appreciated! With effect from NOW, i will be replying to your comments via the comment box itself. This way, i can reply faster and blog posts will be shortened. Thanks. :-D
Yeah, so no replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.

*** ***

Oh goodness. I had a REALLY long day yesterday (friday) and i am still up into saturday's wee hours of the morning.

I shouldn't be typing this, nor should i be yakking online.
But i feel like i need an outlet!

Had a really long day yesterday but every minute of it was worth it, although i came home knowing and dreading the fact that i have a ton of work to do...
I'm honestly drowning in work, it's crazy ok.

I really don't know how i am going to pull through my revision for psychology, let alone the exam itself.

It's been terrible.
Dear friends have been trying to make me feel better (thanks Liting girl). I feel all right for a while, but then as reality hits me again and as i stare at my work pile, my heart sinks into despair.

*** ***

I am SO TIRED.
My eyes have been brutally abused since the exam prep began. Late nights and bad lighting...

Anyway, friday was spent first trying in vain to study for only 4hours or less.
I tried to awake at 6am to make up for the time that i'll be in NTU. But that, as you may have anticipated long ago, DIDN'T materialize.

So, studied some classical, instrumental conditioning, by Skinner, than looped off to go buy the birthday girl's present.
Argh. I REALLY didn't know what to get her. I just bought her something i thought i might like myself.
Poor attempt Jo, poor attempt.
But at least, i TRIED.

So, i happily took the bus to NTU, taking cell leader's estimated directions in FULL TRUST. Thank God, he was right.
No, not that i don't believe in his directions, but i sure don't want to get LOST in NTU.
NO. WAY.

Ok, so as usual i am the early bird, and... Happily sat down to mug somemore.
(yes, i brought my TB to mug if i figured i had the opportunity and time)

Was then whisked off to Hall 1 to cook food in the hostel's kitchenette!
OH HOW FUN!
YES! TOO MANY COOKS, BUT WHO CARES?

Many Hands Make Light Work as opposed to Too Many Cooks spoil the Broth.

Neh, neh, had fun.
And yes, a guy friend was the chief chef! Wahaha, well i suppose he does cook his own meals in hostel.

(i will talk about the hostels another day, MUST TALK about the hostels!)

Yep, so we managed to serve up spagetti and salad and fruit for all to eat.
And not forgetting the "Fair Lady" birthday cake from "Polar". Ha.

We had a time of good clean fun and laughter.
Being with church friends is so different from being with other friends. To be very honest.
The atmosphere is caring, polite but not unbearably so, helpful, and how should i put it... Clean?

Hope to get to know them more and more.

After clearing up (an easy task because everyone helps and we are so not inconsiderate and messy) we gave the birthday girl her present.
Yay! Hope she likes them... :-)

After which, the hostelites escorted the non-hostelites to the bus stop to go home.
Phew, hot and humid night it was.
My hair was getting icky and gross. Why? You don't want to know anyway.

This is a very condensed version of what happened. SIGH.
I cannot manage anymore tonight.

I am weary eyed.
I feel as if my lids are crusted and it kinda pains me when i blink.
It is so, not comfortable.

*** ***

I surprise myself, i made it this far.
Time Check: 3+ am.

I am still awake. My dark circles have gotten to be a marvellous shade of grey now, approaching black. Ok, a bit kua zhang but you get my drift.

NEED to yodel. Everyone's asleep, yes, they lead normal lives, while i am staring at printed dead processed trees.

I notice even that i am not using my usual tone (then again, i might be mistaken, i will need a second opinion on this).
In actual fact, i kind of like this semiconscious ramble. ha.ha.ha.

It's so weird.
BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG OK?

It's my exam period and strangely, i am getting a lot of people asking me out.
ARGH, why now? Why now?
I am SO SHORT OF TIME to study... It's CRAZEE. Just simply CRAZEE.

I'm beginning to appreciate going out and being with people though, little by little, one step at a time...

Blah... but it's all happening NOW, during my exams.
Then, i have to like, turn them down and miss out on more socialising exposure.
I DO want to be with them!

And then, when I finish MY exams, THEIRS begins!
Maybe it works well this way anyway, because then we can take turns to pray for each other. :-)

My eyes are about "burning slightly" now. Tired, tired, weighing a ton.

Ok, back to work. See if i am still not brain dead in a while more.

RECORD SMASHING!
5:11am!
Will leave a note for family members NOT to wake me up or they'll end up with one less finger.

Till then.
*crawls over to the study for more cramming...
that's done. Bed. Bed.*

Medical Students' Disease and Singapore Idol erm... misfits.

(this portion has been removed by the author)

I seem to live in a world of my own and my social skills suck to the core.
And it seems i am unable to figure out some things to do with relating to people...
Ok, but i don't rock back and forth.

And i am DOING PSYCHOLOGY?!

Call this the "Medical Students' Disease" Or "Introductory Psychology Students' Disease".

DON'T LAUGH!
It REALLY EXISTS!
(albeit described by 19th century Humorist Jerome K. Jerome.)

It is characterized by, "strong tendency to relate personally to, and find in oneself, the symptoms of any disease or disorder described in a textbook".

Anyway, i mean it in a very loose sense.

Tell me i need therapy.
I deserve to be lying on the couch, not sitting thoughtfully behind it.

Oh, did anyone tell you why Psychologists sit BEHIND the patient?
It is so that they can giggle and laugh without the patient seeing them.
Or, allows them to go get a drink or go for lunch without being seen if it gets too boring.

No, no. I am kidding lah.

But honestly, and seriously.
I think that the laughing and giggling reason makes a good deal of sense.

I don't fancy giving away what i think and getting beaten up by an irate patient now, do i?

*** ***

I am still sore about Jeassea and Beverly being out of the competition.

Ok, so the rest have MANY FRIENDS to back them up eh?
Well, to those of you who voted your friend(s) because they are your friends but cannot make it in terms of REAL IDOL TALENT (just admit it ok!), this is for you:

"So you want to EMBARRASS OUR ENTIRE REPUBLIC IS IT?!?! YOU WANT YOUR CANNOT-MAKE-IT FRIEND TO GO ON THE WORLD STAGE (if ever, choy!!!) AND PAI SEH ALL OF US AS A NATION?!

Not only will they be an embarrassment, you are not giving the ones who can really sing the victory they rightfully deserve as a TALENTED singer. That's MORE than i can say for your friends!

Your friends are a POOR REPRESENTATION OF THE TALENTS WE HAVE OK, SO STOP BEING SUCH A CHILDISH PRICK AND VOTE FOR THE ONE WHO CAN SING TEN MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOUR FRIEND!"

This is about TALENT, not about POPULARITY alone, but that seems to be the factor causing all these misfits to surge ahead of the rest.

Want me to name a few? Oh, i'll tell you!

DISCLAIMER: I have NOTHING against them personally. I think they're all so brave to be up there, doing their utmost best to achieve their dreams. I couldn't do that.
But this is my opinion, which has as much right to be aired as anyone else's on the face of this planet.

I think Jerry and Chris should end their Idol road now.
They JUST don't make the cut at any song they attempt to sing!

As for Taufik and Leandra, they can only sing to certain songs.
(although Taufik has been very fortunate, because so far, his choice of songs have been very suitable)

Maia, for some reason, she likes to sing songs meant for more edgy voices but she DOES NOT have the edge in her voice. Sorry mate.

Sylvester.... is an interesting chap.
David, no comment.

Daphne... Erm... Very juvenile sounding voice. I think she shouldn't continue in this season. Just... not there.

Olinda? THE SINGAPORE IDOL... in MY BOOKS.

Tolong, Tolong Singapore...

Open your eyes, your ears, your brains...

Till Then.
*Jerry made me go constipated already... Almost burst my lung as well*

ONE DOWN!

The humanities exam DID NOT GO WELL.

One:

You have to think at rapid fire speed from the very second you begin, and you almost have no time to choose what questions to pick.
Needless to say, there was no time to say a decent prayer from the moment you step into the hall!!!
Everything was happening blow by blow, at a crazy pace.

RAAA!

It's not that i didn't plan my time. I did ok.
I suppose the whole "exam craziness" just did me in.

LESSON LEARNT:
Get used to exams after almost two years of it's absence. Calm down, don't freak and don't think you're going to die, think straight, and finally TIME MANAGEMENT!

Two:

My liquid paper ran out shortly during the paper as well. *bitter mumble*
This IS NOT TRIVIAL OK!

We were told not to have annotations in the books that we bring in, so i spent part of the day before the exam LIQUID PAPERING my books!
(Books: Illustration book--book of paintings, Resource Book--book of poems.)

BUT DIDN'T THE EXAMINATION BOARD FIGURE OUT SOME TIME AGO THAT STUDENTS ARE HARDWORKDING AND ACTUALLY MAKE NOTES IN THEIR BOOKS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR?!?!?

As a result of that, my liquid paper ran out during the paper and i was dissed to no end at that point.

LESSON LEARNT:
Expect... the Unexpected. OR, JUST GET EXTRAS OF EVERYTHING!

Three:

After using the computer for assignments and whatnot throughout the year, i've gotten used to the fact that you can delete, edit, improve as you like, over a period of time.

As a result, my phrasing during the exam was like SO BABY-INFANTILE-MONOVOCABULARY-like, using the same old words over and over. No standard at all.
Like point form answers simply arranged in paragraphs.

LESSON LEARNT:
How? I don't know... Just swallow and learn how to be versatile.

Four:

I screwed one section of my philosophy answer and it bugged me all the way home, all through the night but surprisingly i could sleep.

Apart from that section i screwed, i can hardly bear to think back on the argument section. What a stupid argument... And the only reason why i wrote about 2 and a half pages is because my words was SPRAWLED across the lines.

And the philosophy section was easy peasy.

Five:

The only good thing i have to say is that, for once, in a LONG WHILE, i do not feel regret pertaining to lack of preparation.
Like for the 'A's, i've borne a slight guilt that i could've done more to get better grades.

But this time, i KNOW i did all i could and if it screws, i know i have nothing to blame myself for.
REALLY. It's not that i want to attribute my failure to external forces because i refuse to see the truth.

So, GO ME. I AM a good girl, I am.
(sounds like Eliza Doolittle, no?)

Six:

Sigh, what would i do without good friend Ivan?
Thank YOU SO MUCH.
How many friends would be so willing to "book the time slot" after the exams JUST to hear whining?
He was, and i am forever grateful. Thank GOD for YOU!

Seven:

Well... after all this grumbling, i am still grateful to God for bringing me through the exam, finishing whatever i had to write (or scribble rather) in the scanty given time.

I am now just going to gently push that episode aside, and remind myself that it's OVER, no point dwelling on it because it will only drag me down further.

God is in control, no matter what happens.

I leave the results to Him.

Till Then.
*PSYCHOLOGY PAPER... SCREAM*

The night chilly,
The wind sharply cold,
it carasses my skin.
Face tipped to the sky.
Clouds, odd patterns they keep to.
Unique by day and night.
Her silver glow, piercing the clouds.
Colours so mysterious.
Will you join me?

Lapping waters, slapping the stones.
Peaceful, yet disturbing.
Beckoning but repelling.
Only the disturbed go near, too far.
Face tipped to the sky, the endless stretch of the heavens.
Wraps our Earth, the gentle curve.
Gusty wind, against my cold cheeks.
The dark night sky calls.
Will you join me?

Looking about me.
Who is near?
No one, nothing but my own chains.
Who understands me?
Who do I have?
Silence roars.
Who will join me?

Relationships: It's a love and hate thing. (Get the pun?! Anyway, a long, honest and probably incomplete ramble)

Note:
Hello peeps! Many thanks for the comments that you've been leaving behind, and i want ya'll to know that they are very much appreciated! With effect from NOW, i will be replying to your comments via the comment box itself. This way, i can reply faster and blog posts will be shortened. Thanks. :-D
Yeah, so no replies here because they're in the same commentary box where you left yours.

*** ***

Wow.
Since joining cell, i am meeting new people at an exponential rate!
There's the good and bad of it all.
I am quite the idealist and perfectionist.
But i have to recognize and acknowledge the fact that i am not superwoman, that i need time to adapt, adjust, and fill out into my own skin, which i have not in the past few years!

I blabber a lot about meeting new people because of the very simple fact that it MEANS A LOT to me.
People who don't know what i'm struggling with won't really understand the significance of this "stepping out" into the social world and what it means to me.

(sounds as if i just got released from jail term or just fresh out from the ...... bin)

Am just coming across person, after person, after person... It's overwhelming.

I keep wanting to get home as soon as possible, curl up inside my shell, block out the active world and hide behind the computer screen.

On the flipside, there is another part of me that wants to immerse myself back with people, to once more be like everyone else, able to socialize and contribute.

I tell myself each time when i expect too much, i should just take it easy.
Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies, and they are entitled to it.
I am just afraid that people cannot accept me for who i am.

I long to meet new people in church, that in time, i can call true friends. It's really hard but i guess i should try to downplay the anxiety and let God take the joystick. Erm, i mean controllers.

*** ***

Goodness, two years to get over a less-than-one-year serious relationship.
How am i suppose to cope if more dreadful things happen in future?
Bleah, not that i am being pessimistic, but it is the truth that you cannot ignore right?
You don't know what's ahead of you.

I think i need to go psychotherapize myself. *wahaha*
Because i think i have a cognitive problem linked with relationships now.

Relationships scare me and shake me up to the core.
I don't know how to be in one anymore, i am so scared of feeling the same old pain again.
Plus, the same old nagging feeling of "I DON'T TRUST YOU."
Even when Trust is one of the most basic and important foundations in a relationship, apart from Honesty and the rest.
I'M SORRY, but guys have never given me reason to trust them at all.

Although i feel like my life could accomodate someone (erm, i think), i cringe at the thought of the reality that comes along with a relationship.
And i shield away like a maddened horse.

I think that as a result of this fear, i now realize that i have been constructing, (at the back of my mind) a figure of the perfect guy for me.
Who DOESN'T EXIST, DUH!!!
(note: But... hm, no one said the "most suitable" guy didn't exist right? He doesn't have to be PERFECT. I digress.)

In order to defend against the same pain, i have drawn up some blueprint of how the NEW HE should be...
The other weird thing too, is that despite me wanting someone who's NOT him, i also want someone LIKE him.

So, i am doing a mix and match thing and the result is quite likely to be unattainable...
Yes guys, i hear you. I know it's not like i am entitled to customize my new car or something!

Yeah, but the rationale is so that we will get along reasonably well, we will complement each other, he will get along with my family & friends, and we will get married and live happily ever after.
Don't tell me that that's a fairytale. People DO get married have live happily ever after ok.

I'm not feeling sorry over this, it's just an honest reflection and thus my take on this.
There'll probably be more of these when i wonder about how old i am getting...

*** ***

I see so many of my peers moving along with their lives with someone while i am one of those who look at them and think:
When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn? When, when, when...
Wish i had that too. But who do i have?
No one.
Gah, so am i going to be left on the shelf or something.

In a few years time, people are going to be asking me when i am going to get married!

I believe God has my life in His hands, He has His plans.

I am probably not going through the right time for anything else but Him and school and ARCHERY!
(gosh, when was the last time you heard me yabber about that? Feels like a few lightyears)

I am being impatient about my life! Sad to say, impatience is one of my bad points.
Been trying hard to swallow my burgeoning cries for things that i think is best for me.
ME. ME.
Down with self satisfying desires!

I wonder if the saying is true.
Chase after Love and it eludes you, wait patiently and it will find you.
Strangely, i find it nonsensical at first, but when i fit it with real life instances, it seems to make a little more sense.

This is one long post.

Have so much to say these days that i have a few saved drafts, waiting to be published.

So, as much as i fear and feel apprehensive being around people...
The irony turns it around.
I WANT to be around people, to be a friend and in turn, have friendships that are in for the long haul.

The simple conclusion/solution to this would be:
Know who I am, what i'm like and BE MORE CONFIDENT!
Aim to please...? There's got to be a line to draw there.

Before i bore anyone anymore on this, let's part for now.

Till Then.
*It's not that I don't care, or don't want anything to do with you. I do, but it's hard. But, when you find that you can open up to me, you'll discover the loyal friend that i can be.*