Saturday, October 11, 2003

Wandering. Wondering.

Since today has 2 entries, remember to click on today's date again to see all.

For those people who left something on my tag board, i wrote something to ya'll if you haven't already read them.

Came back from church this evening.

The message scared me some.

It was a sequel to the previous one by our senior pastor last week about "unknown whatchamacallit." Can't remember.

This week, it was about: Our salvation is free.
But here on Earth, we have a job to do.
That's even if people don't recognize you for them.
Our treasures are stored in Heaven.
Our standing in Heaven actually depends on it.
What are you going to do with your life?

It really scared me.
Because for one.

I will admit that I'm no great Christian. Really. Yes, I do have a relationship with God but it gets shaky sometimes.
I am born into a Christian family and I've been so blessed for my 18+years. The harsh reality of life sometimes doesn't sink in.
So when things go wrong, I have the tendency to get angry with God because I feel like everything should've just continued being nice and rosy. I try to tell myself God is always there for me, but sometimes the anger gets the foothold.
Which just shouldn't be the case.

I don't go to cell and don't join the Youth service. Honestly, the problem lies both with me and the Youth service. I don't like the people there one bit because I've been hurt once by this cell leader. He was a discriminating #$%^ and that really hurt, since I was only a young teen then and REALLY sensitive.

And so, reviewing my life so far, I don't think I've done anything worthy to be called a "Good and Faithful servant" by God. Maybe I might end up being Head of Road Sweepers in Heaven.

It's not just that I want a great life in Heaven.

It's the crushing, awful, feeling you get when you know someone who loves you is disappointed in you. I got that so often when I failed JC exams and my dad had no choice but to sign those papers saying I failed.

It's the feeling of letting someone down.

I should be mugging now but there were so many things to think and write about. This was one of them.

Actually the other was this.

My dog of 7 years died when I was in JC1, during the first few TRAUMATIZING weeks of school. Really added to the weight of depression ok.
So I was thinking. In relation to the animals-no-spirit thing.
When I go to Heaven, and ask God: "God, could you reunite Prints(my dog's name) and me? I've missed him so much for all this time."
Do you think it's possible?
After all, nothing is impossible for God.

But then even if he is brought back, will he be just a re-creation fabricated from the memories that i've had of him, or would he be the real dog(in spirit lah) i used to have?

Ok, i know talking about his using a dog may sound silly. But really, i say this because animals are said to have no spirit.


Interesting word.

About relationships.

After ending the saga with the ex, things came in stages. (but they're more or less mixed up here)
Happy. now and then.
Haunting memories.
Thoughts of reconciliation that i knew would be useless.

Then... Forgiveness.

I more or less got over him.

Now, it's a different story.


Though i admit that i wish i could have a better social life and a partner.
But i contradict myself.

I shun thoughts of meeting people.
I shun thoughts of being with somebody.

The pain of the past has really made me prefer to avoid relationships although i would like one. How i contradict myself directly!

Well. Brooding stops here.

Anyway, i honestly think most guys find me too mad, noisy, ungirl-like, un-sweet and downright "just friend material". And probably get scared.
All i can say is that, should some fella decide to allow his sorry #$% to like me, at least i know that he likes me, for me.
At least to some degree.

Now, my life revolves around:
1. Family (including my beloved Jed the MinPin. After finding out what he really was like, wanted to call him Bandit instead)
2. Church
3. School Work
4. Eating
5. Sleeping
6. Blogging...

Sigh. It be 10pm.

I've discovered that late nights are no longer for me. I could do it in JC but no more...
I get these terrible headaches that impair me for the entire day.

Ok. I know that this is going to sound very self indulgent. But i'm saying this because i've never dreamt that i would have done this before AND this is something totally new to me.
Do you remember a furniture shop called "Barang Barang", that sells Balinese themed furniture?
Good stuff.
If you walk into a branch, say the one at Great World City, if you go over to the Lifestyle/Aesthetics(whatever) corner, look around and you might find me smiling at you.
(hm... ha, that sounds scary don't it)

Oh, yes. I remember this song. I'm going to try to recall it so forgive me if it sounds funny. But i hope Alwyn, if u are reading, can identify with it.

So you were in it after all
All of those times that i spent crying
Something inside of me was dying
I didn't know that you were there each time i called...

And it's easy now to see it
I don't know how i could've missed it
You were in it after all...

We're always ready Lord to take the Glory...
But we're seldom willing to endure the pain
You were with me when the sun was shining
And you were there beside me when it rained...

Will cease the blog for now. May or may not continue.

Till Then.
*turns off computer*

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