Friday, August 18, 2006

Incomplete

I. want. to. try. some... Gaahhhh....

Note to self: she's got a webbie: www.cupcake-momma.net/

***

I'm going to Ramble because i feel like it. Actually no, i need to.

I'm a half past 6, chapalang, everything-must-try, like-that-also-can, kind of person.

After running and completing my 5km race, i've ceased running not because i don't want to anymore but it's the school work load that has slapped me stuck to the table really hard. Argh, but i'm not biting the dust yet. I still have my standard chartered quarter marathon......

I like my gymming sessions too, but sama, sama... Time's an issue.

And then there's my keyboard lessons that i stopped at the beginning of the year because i wanted to know how it would be if i had my whole thursday off to do my school work. The sacrifice kinda did pay off, but i would really love to get back to the lessons. :-(

Then i wanted to learn the drums but i backed off after reassessing my complete and utter lack of co-ordination, or as some people say, ability to NOT co-ordinate. (since each quarter of your body needs to "dissociate" to do different things at the same time.)

Then there's archery. It's a really sad situation. It's not that i don't love it anymore, but it's just that i'm so busy during the weekdays and saturdays that only my sunday is available to shoot. But then sunday becomes catch-up-with-work day, and so there goes archery. Inevitably, motivation to continue wanes. I'm telling you, this is a very sore spot for me.

Then the 6 string frenzy started when i found that i'm not as hopeless at the guitar than i thought i was. My finger tips on my left hand have developed callouses, and the thickened skin is now peeling, creating little patches of Singapore-, Sentosa-, Java-, Australia-, some other island-like shaped torn and broken dry skin. But due to work that's really time consuming, i find myself unable to continute practising because i know that i'll be tempted to play for a couple of hours on end. My finger tips are going to get soft again if i don't get back to practice.

My dad is always poking me about driving. I took the 4 theory lessons, took and passed the basic theory test, but stopped short at the final theory and practical lessons. I cannot seem to bring myself to take a step forward with this. Because...?
I'm SCARED.

My father often says that i don't have the will and discipline to stick to and master something. I guess when you look at my track record, you'd be most inclined to think so. Sometimes, i condemn and ask myself WHY i do things the way i do and i feel downright mediocre when i am with the bunch of people from each arena of interest. But i guess i have only myself to blame huh.

***

I'm feeling a little fearful about how well i can do this semester because firstly my week looks really packed, even more packed then before. These days, i'm also awaking so late because i feel dog tired by the end of the previous day. I usually shut down in a matter of seconds once i touch the bedsheets at night.

I'll be having school on tuesday and wednesday evenings. Thursday evening, i should be having band practice, and friday evening, cell group. Saturdays: Granny/Work and church (whole day gone). Any other extra time not taken up by the above is spent either essaying or scrambling to catch up with my readings. But I hardly get a whole day off to myself to do my stuff anymore.

Sure, evening activities are only a a few hours, but they're still extremely precious, and they still wear me down.

Secondly, i think i have a problem with my educators this semester and i sure don't think i feel as secure as before. In a way, i'm being trained to be even more independent in my concept understanding than i currently am.

***

As i'm typing all this, another side of me is saying: THEN STEP AND RISE UP! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF COS IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

I know i'll do just that in my own time. I just need to ramble to get it all out of my system. For now, a girl's just got to feel the exhaustion for a while before steeling herself, biting the bullet, taking a deep breath and plodding on.

PS: I thank God that i've got me pard-nah who doesn't whine or complain or throw hissy fits about not spending enough time together. Ok, given we're both mad busy with school now (so that helps put things into perspective) but i'm glad that we're both pretty much independent individuals on our own, so we're good.

4 comments:

liting said...

Jojojo~~ Looks like school's quite a pile for you huh. But still hope to arrange to meet up soon~~~~~ Please VIP reserve some time for us~

Joline said...

Liting:

Yes it has been... And feeling a little downcast, i hope it's just a short term "valley" thing. I'm sure i'll make the time during the not-so-peak periods. :-) You're the group of girl friends who will always be a big part of my life.

Eliss said...

oh joline u r not the only one. i took up x stitch then beading then adobe but where has all this land me? I m jack of all trade master of none.haiz.feel so incapable demoralised now that u mentioned this. And driving too!

joline said...

Eliss:

I guess it serves to remind us about the things that we dared to try. But then it also makes us reflect on what caused us to stop and in doing so, perhaps spurs us to conquer each of these challenges by prioritising, making better use of our time or getting over our fears or whatever that's stopping you from completing what you started.