Thursday, August 17, 2006

Honest Confessions

Some things just can't be published. I feel like this G rated blog puts a stopper on my cyber lips, other times it filters my posts either into flippant and happy entries, or just prattly little chatter.

But darker thoughts want to be heard... And sometimes i fight the boundaries of sounding judgemental and speaking forth my honest thoughts. At times like these, i wish i was anonymous, to protect not just myself, but to protect the ones who i feel have caused hurt.

Actually, almost a year ago i did start another blog. And in it, i threw in every single expression of ALL my thoughts, ALL my feelings on certain issues, ALL my pain, ALL my anger. You would never have guessed that it was me writing all that.

After about a week or two, i took a step back, and read it. I read all the entries from top to bottom, and for the first time i realized in surprise how honest it was in comparison to this current one. How i could hear my own voice speaking in clarity and true honesty of what's in my heart, and what was on my mind. It was a place with no bars, no boundaries and where i felt safe to cry. It was totally, completely, ME.

As far as i know, no one had discovered it yet. So i was literally just yelling into emptiness.

And i liked what i saw. I really did.

But then a time came when i acknowledged that i had to let my anger go. I figured that if i kept feeding my pain, i wasn't ever going to heal. And so with some degree of reluctance, i deleted the blog... And there went my hole that i used to yell into.

But sometimes, the pain returns for whatever reason... To haunt you, to test you or to bring you down?
As i weep silently inside, apart from God, i have no one else to tell my pain to. Except the person who caused it, of course. Which i think i might do, in future.

And... No. This wasn't meant to be the confession. I had to censor the real thing all away. Sigh.

5 comments:

Eliss said...

My kiddy talk finished very soon. less than 18 min lor. the children was so QUIET man i tell u....then hor...i tried to askk them qtn but the teacher shhssshed them.so i end up noone talked except me...hiazzz.....

i went to scientific seminar today! wah so interesting lor. got forensic science saw alot of pics. got huang na's corpse! identified by dental records...got burned...jumped down building corpses! so eye opening lor!

Eliss said...

then got radiography....got much ado abt lumps and bumps...the topic lar...then got cancer pts' xrays...wah these doctors so li hai! salute them...although i sumtimes really cannot stand them!

joline said...

Eliss:

Heh, i wonder whyt the teachers hushed them up... Knowing that they'll ask you non related questions? Mmmm...

And woah, where's this scientific seminar? Not for any tom, dick and harry right...? :-(

Are the doctors that detestable?

Eliss said...

docs are very demanding pple, thats what i feel. Some are quite nice too.maybe i dun like them cos i always kena scolding frm them.
Ya lor the teacher shhhsssed them. Then today a manager talked to me she said my feedback from metho kinderg not good. The teacher suggested that i interact with them more. I told her the truth lor. I want to ask qtns but wat to do one teacher shsssed them so none answered my qtn. Then the manager said let them use the toothbrush show u how to brush but i was speechless. Cos another manager warned me not to let children touch the brush!in case they spoil it! Walau who shud i listen to man?+frustrated+

joline said...

Eliss:

GAh.... i understand how you feel. Somemore, these people are seniors and yet they are giving you conflicting advice. Uhm... i dont really know how to help but i do know that not all advice from adults is right. So... Perhaps next time just do what's best for the kids, or the people you come in contact with. If the higher ups have a problem with that, maybe explain why you did what you did? Cos i think that the ultimate goal is to let the people at the receiving end benefit