Some things just can't be published. I feel like this G rated blog puts a stopper on my cyber lips, other times it filters my posts either into flippant and happy entries, or just prattly little chatter.
But darker thoughts want to be heard... And sometimes i fight the boundaries of sounding judgemental and speaking forth my honest thoughts. At times like these, i wish i was anonymous, to protect not just myself, but to protect the ones who i feel have caused hurt.
Actually, almost a year ago i did start another blog. And in it, i threw in every single expression of ALL my thoughts, ALL my feelings on certain issues, ALL my pain, ALL my anger. You would never have guessed that it was me writing all that.
After about a week or two, i took a step back, and read it. I read all the entries from top to bottom, and for the first time i realized in surprise how honest it was in comparison to this current one. How i could hear my own voice speaking in clarity and true honesty of what's in my heart, and what was on my mind. It was a place with no bars, no boundaries and where i felt safe to cry. It was totally, completely, ME.
As far as i know, no one had discovered it yet. So i was literally just yelling into emptiness.
And i liked what i saw. I really did.
But then a time came when i acknowledged that i had to let my anger go. I figured that if i kept feeding my pain, i wasn't ever going to heal. And so with some degree of reluctance, i deleted the blog... And there went my hole that i used to yell into.
But sometimes, the pain returns for whatever reason... To haunt you, to test you or to bring you down?
As i weep silently inside, apart from God, i have no one else to tell my pain to. Except the person who caused it, of course. Which i think i might do, in future.
And... No. This wasn't meant to be the confession. I had to censor the real thing all away. Sigh.