Owwch.

Today is Watch Joline Hurt Herself day!

No, i'm not in any sadistic, masochistic mood (though i do get that sometimes) but for some unknown reason, i've been really accident prone today.

1. My fingers slip and i accidentally slit a shallow cut on my middle finger with the knife while slicing some cheese.

2. I shocked myself with a burn when i brushed a hand on the hot toaster.

3. I walloped my leg against the toilet seat on my way out from the loo.

4. I cut another finger, this time the pinky, on the metal binding rings on my address book. (it's not serious but enough to make it throb)

I am almost fearful of stepping out from the house this stormy day... But i must because i have a lecture later.

Are my tutors that pissed with me and my assignments? Gah...

Amused

According to the Flying Dutchman's (Class 95's morniing express DJ) kids, toothpaste is good for drying out, or "taming" pimples. Just apply some on the pimple, leave it overnight and it'll do the job.

Out of sheer curiousity and also because i hardly need to look for pimples on my face, i tried it and wala... Its works. Er, for me at least. NOT recommended if you have sensitive skin and if you think you might disfigure yourself. Try at your own risk.

*

(i also received this email on the UniSIM student portal and i'm pretty amused because in my stay here in UniSIM, we've so far been all about studies with no play or anything vaguely interesting. But lookie here!)

"Dear Students of UniSIM

The organising committee of the inaugural UniSIM convocation ceremony is looking for students (who have chosen to graduate with UniSIM Award) with singing talent to come forward for an audition. If selected, he/she will receive personal coaching by renowned music composer, Ms Babes Conde. Ms Conde has composed a UniSIM Song with lyrics written by one of our UniSIM academics. So please volunteer your voice and come forward for an audition.

The person we are looking for should preferably be a soprano/tenor. He/She will present the UniSIM song item for the first time, at the inaugural convocation ceremony to be held on 25 September. "

I don't have a singing voice. :-(

Today's papers featured an article about how this young girl of only 19 years contracted HIV from her steady boyfriend. He didn't know he contracted it from the multiple partners he had had before and now it's been passed to her. The article also went on to elaborate on how people assume that just because someone looks "decent" and is in their social circle, they're "clean".

As much as i really feel like going: "Serves you right for having premarital (and very likely, unprotected) sex" (pardon me for my harsh words because i've an almost murderously firm stand against premarital sex) A bigger part of me feels really upset about how at their young tender age, they've already been given a death sentence... Unless a miracle happens in their lives. Not only do they have to deal with the darkness of ill health looming ahead, it's also going to be a stigma that they'll carry around with them in the years to come. And that cannot be easy. No, it can't.

If people would just curb their carnal desires and abstain, they'd save themselves a lot of complications should the tides change.

Gah... i wrote 2 looongggg drafts in about 2 hours and now i'm wondering whether i should even publish them! On first thought, sounds like a waste of time, but on hindsight i think that what i've written and saved is something that needs to be penned down for reference in future. So... time wasn't wasted.

Anyway, i had such a blast yesterday. Er, that pretty much sums up the 2 long drafts. And no, i didn't do anything way crazy or anything.

Spending time being still and quiet before my Creator as well as yakking, guitar-ing and singing songs with my NTU cell people really just makes my whole entire day.

Since you cannot bring Earthly possessions to Heaven, i wonder if guitars exist in Heaven. I mean, does God approve of some kinds of man-made creations? Can strum, pick,and sing song mah. Heehee.
And how about harps? You know, you always hear of angels and harps.
It's kinda neat to think of heavenly beings playing an instrument that you get to see and play on Earth.

Does that make you wonder where the inspiration to craft harps, on Earth, comes from? Mmmmm.

Or, or, maybe God already put in Man the ability to create instruments that are already being used in heaven?

Or... Maybe God has way cooler instruments up there. Mmm....

From what started off as a need to stop the scalp from itching due to humidity as well as to get a different look... Ugh! Short hair is not me. Remind me never, EVER, to chop my long hair to a short crop again. Neh-verh.

Now to just wait for it to grow out a leeettle beeeet.

***

I opened up Windows Media Player and decided on a little Corrinne May for her beautifully tender, light but still soulful singing and deep chord striking, honest, lyrics. Not forgetting also the awesomely touching song melody compositions and score arrangements.

Then i remembered she had a blog... And i teared a little when i read this post that she wrote.

Makes me wonder about the state of my own heart. But is it? Or is it my own attitude of laziness? Then again. Is it my own fears within his society?

***

Once Hady is eliminated from Singapore Idol, we are more or less... Done. No hope. Gone. I once supported Jonathan Leong, but to me, he could only hide his flaws for a while before showing that he isn't quite up to scratch.

***

Cartoons of the Old (80s-90s)

It all started when KL sent me the link to a Gummi Bears youtube video... Then i figured: Hm... would there be any My Little Pony videos? And OH YES there were... There were even some longer length-ed episodes for fans of the old school cartoon. Now imagine cuteness! giggly-ness! corny jokes!! in the original cartoon... But then... i came across THIS ONE: "Apocalypse Pony"

Yes, yes, morbid i know... Heh, just like me. Cannot stop laughing liao.

*walks off still giggling wildly to herself*

Donch know wot i''m going to do with the locks but the humidity isn't very good for my scalp when i've got hair volume equivalent to like 100 Chewbakas put together, attached to my head. Maybe some of it's gonna come off tomorrow. Yeeaahaah!

***

It's an amazing night to just spend some time walking around downstairs, and perhaps perch myself on one of those wooden benches.

It's serene, peaceful, and while i didn't traipse myself downstairs, i stood next to the kitchen window and let the cold wind that was sweeping in tickle my face.

Absolute bliss. How i wish that more nights and days could be like this... And make it during the holiday season when i'm free to spend my time as i please.

I'm just about wrapping up the essay that i've been working on for the last two weeks. *huge backhand swipe across forehead* I'll be able to send it off tomorrow by morning. Oh, thank God.

I know that despite putting in so much effort into it, i'm kind of sure that it isn't of 3rd level standard, and so probably isn't worth the 'A' that i would so love to have. An 'A' isn't only about pleasing the parentals but it also serves the instrumental function of giving the transcript a face lift. I NEED the 'A', it's really not just about wanting it.

Don't really like attending social psych tutorials really. My tutor hasn't quite got the human touch with the way she handles us, though she says she loves to teach (we only got that nugget of info after coaxing her to share a bit about herself). As much as i feel like doing a disappearing act, i know the law abiding side of me says that i cannot afford to do that. Poo.

I watched as he made his way through the departure hall, had his passport checked and stamped, and felt a sense of emptiness when i saw him turn around to give his cheery wave and then disappear into the bowels of the airport. It looked as if the whole platoon of us had just lost our "tour guide", who was all decked out in his happy green printed shirt. But the mood was far from happy... because this dear cell mate and brother that we got to know and befriend was leaving us for Brunei for good. "For good", in the sense that he is done with his education here and is pretty much "staying put in his home country Brunei".

It hurts to see him and his girlfriend (who left about a month ago) leave us especially after getting to know them better when they first came to join the NTU cell around about a year plus ago. They've become so much a part of us, sharing the same identity and having quite distinct roles in the cell group. I might not feel the full brunt of the loss right now, but i guess when we return to the cell setting in our familiar room in block 6C, i'll probably feel the void more. Still, i know that we'll all pull through, and life goes on.

But i guess, i rejoice to know that God had a reason/reasons in His plan for them when they were brought to Singapore, and as a cell we release them with love. Yet we know that we're still bonded by our friendship and by the body of Christ. We've seen how they've transformed: the same person but leaving with a different spirit and heart. Thank God.

Guess we'll just need to get used to not seeing their faces and feeling their presence with us, though we can still poke them on MSN. :-)

One thing about the NTU cell is that we somehow tend to pick up? attract? students from all walks and integrate them into our friendly and accepting "family", which is probably why it's so large. But because of this teary farewell we had yesterday... we were just joking that we should now make a new rule... No more exchange students, and that the cell will only allow Singaporean citizens and PRs so that we'll not have to go through another heartache. Heehee. But of course, we're just kidding. :-P

***

Own private issues (many, many), academic issues, and family issues... Ah, this week hasn't been easy.

I don't know when the last time was when i broke down from stress like that. I'm sorry i gave you such a fright.

Angry girl made her appearance again today. I just don't get why. Am i really such a bitter and messed up soul?

Or is it just the stress talking. Whatever it is... I don't like being angry because I sure don't like who i become.

Incomplete

I. want. to. try. some... Gaahhhh....

Note to self: she's got a webbie: www.cupcake-momma.net/

***

I'm going to Ramble because i feel like it. Actually no, i need to.

I'm a half past 6, chapalang, everything-must-try, like-that-also-can, kind of person.

After running and completing my 5km race, i've ceased running not because i don't want to anymore but it's the school work load that has slapped me stuck to the table really hard. Argh, but i'm not biting the dust yet. I still have my standard chartered quarter marathon......

I like my gymming sessions too, but sama, sama... Time's an issue.

And then there's my keyboard lessons that i stopped at the beginning of the year because i wanted to know how it would be if i had my whole thursday off to do my school work. The sacrifice kinda did pay off, but i would really love to get back to the lessons. :-(

Then i wanted to learn the drums but i backed off after reassessing my complete and utter lack of co-ordination, or as some people say, ability to NOT co-ordinate. (since each quarter of your body needs to "dissociate" to do different things at the same time.)

Then there's archery. It's a really sad situation. It's not that i don't love it anymore, but it's just that i'm so busy during the weekdays and saturdays that only my sunday is available to shoot. But then sunday becomes catch-up-with-work day, and so there goes archery. Inevitably, motivation to continue wanes. I'm telling you, this is a very sore spot for me.

Then the 6 string frenzy started when i found that i'm not as hopeless at the guitar than i thought i was. My finger tips on my left hand have developed callouses, and the thickened skin is now peeling, creating little patches of Singapore-, Sentosa-, Java-, Australia-, some other island-like shaped torn and broken dry skin. But due to work that's really time consuming, i find myself unable to continute practising because i know that i'll be tempted to play for a couple of hours on end. My finger tips are going to get soft again if i don't get back to practice.

My dad is always poking me about driving. I took the 4 theory lessons, took and passed the basic theory test, but stopped short at the final theory and practical lessons. I cannot seem to bring myself to take a step forward with this. Because...?
I'm SCARED.

My father often says that i don't have the will and discipline to stick to and master something. I guess when you look at my track record, you'd be most inclined to think so. Sometimes, i condemn and ask myself WHY i do things the way i do and i feel downright mediocre when i am with the bunch of people from each arena of interest. But i guess i have only myself to blame huh.

***

I'm feeling a little fearful about how well i can do this semester because firstly my week looks really packed, even more packed then before. These days, i'm also awaking so late because i feel dog tired by the end of the previous day. I usually shut down in a matter of seconds once i touch the bedsheets at night.

I'll be having school on tuesday and wednesday evenings. Thursday evening, i should be having band practice, and friday evening, cell group. Saturdays: Granny/Work and church (whole day gone). Any other extra time not taken up by the above is spent either essaying or scrambling to catch up with my readings. But I hardly get a whole day off to myself to do my stuff anymore.

Sure, evening activities are only a a few hours, but they're still extremely precious, and they still wear me down.

Secondly, i think i have a problem with my educators this semester and i sure don't think i feel as secure as before. In a way, i'm being trained to be even more independent in my concept understanding than i currently am.

***

As i'm typing all this, another side of me is saying: THEN STEP AND RISE UP! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF COS IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

I know i'll do just that in my own time. I just need to ramble to get it all out of my system. For now, a girl's just got to feel the exhaustion for a while before steeling herself, biting the bullet, taking a deep breath and plodding on.

PS: I thank God that i've got me pard-nah who doesn't whine or complain or throw hissy fits about not spending enough time together. Ok, given we're both mad busy with school now (so that helps put things into perspective) but i'm glad that we're both pretty much independent individuals on our own, so we're good.

Honest Confessions

Some things just can't be published. I feel like this G rated blog puts a stopper on my cyber lips, other times it filters my posts either into flippant and happy entries, or just prattly little chatter.

But darker thoughts want to be heard... And sometimes i fight the boundaries of sounding judgemental and speaking forth my honest thoughts. At times like these, i wish i was anonymous, to protect not just myself, but to protect the ones who i feel have caused hurt.

Actually, almost a year ago i did start another blog. And in it, i threw in every single expression of ALL my thoughts, ALL my feelings on certain issues, ALL my pain, ALL my anger. You would never have guessed that it was me writing all that.

After about a week or two, i took a step back, and read it. I read all the entries from top to bottom, and for the first time i realized in surprise how honest it was in comparison to this current one. How i could hear my own voice speaking in clarity and true honesty of what's in my heart, and what was on my mind. It was a place with no bars, no boundaries and where i felt safe to cry. It was totally, completely, ME.

As far as i know, no one had discovered it yet. So i was literally just yelling into emptiness.

And i liked what i saw. I really did.

But then a time came when i acknowledged that i had to let my anger go. I figured that if i kept feeding my pain, i wasn't ever going to heal. And so with some degree of reluctance, i deleted the blog... And there went my hole that i used to yell into.

But sometimes, the pain returns for whatever reason... To haunt you, to test you or to bring you down?
As i weep silently inside, apart from God, i have no one else to tell my pain to. Except the person who caused it, of course. Which i think i might do, in future.

And... No. This wasn't meant to be the confession. I had to censor the real thing all away. Sigh.

Ahhhuuuuggghhhh.......................

A simple two lines worth of an essay question is driving me up the wall! There're just too many issues to consider (but the tutors want to see it analyzed so what can we say against that?) and the information i've gleaned off the book and readings is scattered like hundreds of hard seeds on a cement pavement.

So do i address ALL the issues but only cursorily, or do i pick a few and address them in depth? Or should i try to be a heroine and pao-ka-liao everything to the best of my ability? I tell you, it's driving me NUTS. I'm seeing so many articles, juicy pockets of info, but to make sense of them within an essay, you'll need to at least explain it to some extent. But you cannot (or rather, i don't see how) do all that in just a meagre 2000 words!

Ahhhhuugughhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Farewell for E at Jumbo, East Coast.

Did you see this at Sentosa...?

***

The cousins. (paternal side) and a plate of "Or-nee". However you spell that. I've discovered (actually by mistake) that it tastes SO COMFORTINGLY GOOD. Like the sweet tasting equivalent of a warm, creamy, savoury soup to calm the nerves at midnight.

Jo: "Now we can see who the nuts (tongue flashers) are, in the family...."
Cousin Ian: "Yeah, and that the elder ones are the sabo kings."

***

Brain's been really over sensitive lately - like this uber highly charged but small lump of neurons that onced poked at, will jump up and furiously zap out little lightning thingys at you.

Stimuli like, too much information, seeing too many of something, too much noise, certain types of music, too little emotional support, has been having odd effects on me. I get things like headaches, or a sudden mad buzzing of questions, or a descending feeling of fear, dread or depression.

***

Shall i chop my locks, or perm / straighten, or just go for a really good hair treatment. Yuh, i'm feeling all vain and pampery now.

My mind (or is it more than that, i wonder.) has the funniest way with me sometimes.

After the fireworks display at Marina Bay yesterday night, the bridge that links the One Fullerton with the Esplanade became a tight "road" for two-way human traffic. The squeeze was really maddening (having God on my mind to keep me from thinking bad, negative thoughts really works) and my cell mates, another friend and i found ourselves being jostled along one "lane" towards the Esplanade.

I was pretty much minding my own business as i made my way, trying to make sure that i wasn't going to step on kids that were too short to see, step on shoes or kick anyone's heels. (I was also wondering if my hair stank, and if my friend behind me was secretly choking to death.)

Then somewhere along the way, this thought entered my mind and appealed to my conscious decision making processes: "Look to the left (where people were facing my direction as they made their way toward One Fullerton) 'cos i think i might see someone i know."

Lo and behold. Waddaya know.

About half a minute later, a familiar face i knew popped up from the linear mass of unrecognizable people. DAYANA!
We were so excited over seeing one another (the odds!), but noting as how we couldn't stop to talk, we had to keep moving on and away.

I related this to my sister who then asked me: "Did you dream of me winning one billion dollars?"

-.-"

I'm always having these weird, "coincidental", mind experiences. It's been more than once when particular thoughts would echo in my mind (and/or heart) and then something related to that thought would occur shortly after. But i'm not complaining.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's me just giving these occurences special notice until it feels like it's statistically significant (as opposed to people who've had such experiences but don't think too much of it). Or whether i'm just really........ special odd in that way.

La dee dah. Actually, i really wouldn't mind more of such "coincidences". Wouldn't it be nice to be psychic a prophetic speaker.

***

I popped into my sister's room to find her playing this xbox game that saw her as a third person character who happens to be a "squirrel" who "kills foes by bravely brandishing a frying pan in its right paw" and "battering the enemies to bloody bits and pieces".

Oh. Kay.

The SAFRA Sheares Bridge and AHM Run...

There's this dog in the next block that needs either some form of K9 Kounselling or someone to just give it a warm hug and constant reassuring pats on its head. The depression stricken fella has been punctuating the air with its baying and bellowing, howling and wailing for hours on end already.

I hear things like: (and some plausible translations)

"Aiii-woorrr....." ("the Aiwa player sucks")
"Ohh worrhh......" ("Oh, woe is me")
"Ooooorrrhhhhh......" ("Oh... Bad joke!")
"Ahhrroooowwaaarr...." ("Matt from Funniest Animals should be shot!")
"Arggggwoooaarrr..." ("I'm dying...")
"Arf!-rooowwoooooaarrrr..." ("That poodle is cute!" )
"Rooo... ooaarrr...." ("But i'm all alloooonnneee... *bawl*")
"Ahh-ooorrrrrhhh..." ("Hey, another cutie eye candy!")
"Wooff! Wooooaaaah...." ("I give up...")

It either finds joy in singing to some CD song its owner left in the player, or in conversing with other dogs from another dimension, or is crying foul over bad jokes on Planet's Funniest Animal Videos or it's experiencing some major separation anxiety.

Headache inducing man.

***

hawhaw, soo keewwttt, the leetteeell koochee baybeee.

*head explosion*

i love animal videos. Now where's Jed, i wanna squeeze him.

***

To run or not to run?

Online, it seems to say that registration is closed, but today's papers states that it's still open. There's a leisurely 6km and 10km non competitive run, which sounds very appealing to me. Hrmmm.... Decisions.

Dominic tells me that the song isn't titled "When the Music Fades", but it's actually "Heart of Worship". *chuckle* So, i guess that's not so bad after all, aye.

Presenting... My PINK PICKS! I *heart* you much much.

I got this pair at Peninsula Plaza yesterday at a small guitar shop next to Davis. I can't remember what the shop's called though. The light pink one's 0.46mm thick while the dark pink one's 0.71mm.

It wasn't like i meant to get them in this colour but it was because most of the other picks were either too thick, the purple ones were sadly too thick too, and the others didn't feel comfortable between my fingers. Still. To me, they look absolutely purdy and er... Edible. Kinda reminds me of the strawberry flavoured cream inside "Hello Panda" biscuits.


But yes i do like pink. (something i would not have readily admitted to while in kindergarten, because i wanted to prove that i was different, and not like the "other girls".)

As usual, lameology prevails between Gem and i as we strode out of the shop... If you were there, you'd hear nonsensical lines like these being shot back and forth between the both of us in our attempts in trying to outdo one another:

"I am picking picks"
"I'm being picky."
"Pink Picks!"
"I'm being picky while picking my picks"
"I'm being picky while picking my pink picks"
"The pinks picks were being pickyly picked by the picky picker"
"The picky picker's pinky was pickyly picking the pink picks"
.
.
.
and so on

I think he won. So bad hor, pick on me.

(just kidding! don't be mad!)

prattle

After a few weeks of struggling with the classical guitar and sifting through the worship songs on my mom's song list collection, i've finally found ONE song which (1) i know the chords of (2) my fingers can move easily from chord to chord (3) is a reasonably long song.

And what's the title you ask? "When the music fades".

WHEN THE MUSIC FADES?! FADES?! Gee thanks...! That is sooo encouraging, huh!

Maybe i'm suppose to stick to the keyboard after all. Teehee.

***

Today has not been a good day. Waking up late from having my fatigue fully made up for, beginning the day late, doing everything else except engaging with my readings and planning for my first assignment for the semester. Procrastinating, dragging my mental feet, and physically dragging on the guitar strings with a hard and tough pick actually meant for the bass guitar.

It's almost like the initial stage of denial, but i guess i'm going to have to, and WILL, force myself to get cracking on research and processing the obscenely superfluous chunks of readings. Wait. Ok, fine, just superfluous.

Permit me to complain some more. I need to just rant all my rubbish out. You know how it is with garbage. If you generate out garbage without disposing them, they begin to rot and smell really bad. So hence.

Yeah. So it is searingly hot, with the bright, blue cheery sky as the clear and pretty backdrop to the otherwise boring blocks of buildings. And I cannot be at the pool enjoying myself. Obviously, i'm still in my fantasy, holiday, Hawaii mode.

It's just past 4pm and i haven't accomplished much, while band practice awaits me this evening. Oh how i feel so guilty about spending more time outside home. The usual, the usual - Simply standing there to watch, listen and learn. Again. That's perfectly all right in itself, but i just feel like i could do with more time at home to make up for my slothfulness right now...

Yes, i've been doing that (watching, listening and learning) faithfully (pretty much) for 2 years now, save the times when i felt i was so detached from the ministry that i even (genuinely) forgot to attend practices.

I suppose you could say that my "patience and persistence" has "paid off" since i've now been scheduled to alternate with the other second keys (synthesizer) musician. But truth be told, my patience had worn quite thin many times before and i had questioned my presence in the music ministry.

Sometimes i really marvel at how things work out to test and break down my pride. From the beginning of time, i've HATED the synthesizer. Yes. I've hated it's very sound, it's very effects it's suppose to add on and atmosphere it supposedly creates. I detested the synthesizer. Because it sounded fake, it was the mother contributor of all cheaply made music, and was basically like nerve grating pond scum, bottom-of-the-barrel muck, to my ears. But now, i find myself gaining a starting place in the band as a synthesizer player.

Imagine my horror when my leader approached me and asked me to begin with the synthesizer when i was gunning for the keyboard instead. But you know what?

I appreciate and SEE clearly now, why this took place. And i THANK GOD for the baby stepping stones that were given to me to take instead of allowing me to plunge head first into something i understood nothing about.

Back to the problem with the picture.

So I certainly did not feel like i HAD to play for services, but what i felt was the problem with the picture was that i didn't think i was serving God the way i had planned to when i joined the ministry in the first place. That might translate once again to "playing for services", but you see, that is not the primary gripe. If i had another channel in the same ministry, but where i am still able to serve, then, yeay-ness.

But never we all mind now, right? Since things have taken one step forward.

Meanwhile, i also need to brush up on and polish my familiarity with the chords in the Key of E and A. The horrors.

Back to work.

Life in ACJC would've been awful without you guys. Cheers to our friendship!