Thursday, October 13, 2005

I couldn't really mug properly without getting this out of my system first. So, here's my broken heart again... Poured out with reckless abandon into cyberspace. Such a strange place to do so, come to think of it.

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Yes, i know what i said and i aim to keep it that way. Peaceful, positive, face looking ahead and wholesome. But it still comes back to haunt me.

I tell the thought to stop there, shut up and go away. But then i realize that cutting it off doesn't work. And so I pause during my precious study time just so that i can spend some crucial minutes to logically rationalize about why i should let it go and why it shouldn't bother me anymore.

Mentally, i go through everything, thought by thought, and along the way, fixing and remedying the negative emotions that come when i hit a sensitive spot in the process. God had heard my desperate cries for help to deal with the pain, to see clearly, to avoid making things harder than it already was.

He was faithful from the very start when He allowed me to overcome the initial brutal gashes. That alone was pretty amazing, for it was through the worst of the worst things that i had to deal with, that i learnt how it is like to truly and fully, forgive.
I would never have been able to do that by myself - Knowing the kind of person that I am: Bitter, resentful and prideful. And dramatic.

All along while dealing with past pains, i thought that by shoving them to the back of my mind after consciously numbing the pain out, i thought that forgiveness had taken place. But how mistaken i was, because i know that deep down, it still lurked and when the time was ripe to wreak havoc, these issues would rear its ugly head and tear me into a million pieces, into a million hating beings.

I will come to terms with those things, soon, because of what the Lord has shown me.

Despite having gone through the most difficult, steep part, here comes the long roadtrip. The time period where i need to receive healing. I need this time to mend, to find reconciliation, to learn how to trust.
And it's not as if i was a very trusting person to begin with. I never ever trusted much and now i'm going to have to start again from something like, lower than zilch.

To reclaim wholeness, I need this time for the healing process to reach completion. The wounds that were inflicted are still there, open, deep, raw and sensitive to the touch.

I need to be reassured, reaffirmed, loved. To know that i am held safe in loving arms that will not let me fall. I need a place to feel safe to cry in, in all my vulnerability. I need to be kept in the truth.

I despise myself for being so weak but i'd rather be weak than to fall back once more into the deep, dark, lonely pit of anger and hatred.
I would rather be weak now and be whole later than to continue to deludedly think that i can stand tall, strong, resilient and untouchable by drawing on that disturbing pool of fuel... Fuel made from cumulated loathing and bitterness.

That is but only a false sense of security in myself, and even so, how can one continue thriving on something so unwholesome? It's a pathetic way to sustain my emotional strength.

So begone you old ways, and Lord, pour in Thy new spirit i pray.


Eliss said...

i dunt understand what is making u so wat u feel now? a person?

joline said...


Oh... there was an incident recently that kind of shook me. It wasn't pleasant at first but things have improved. :-) Yep, so now's just the period of emotional and mental healing. 8-)