Friday, October 07, 2005

How things have changed. (warning: Long and may cause diabetes or foaming at the mouth)

I cannot believe that it's the end of the year again. Back in primary school, i used to think that the years passed by at such a pathetically slow pace. It was a pain to live out a year, and i would dread having to live through the next one when January hits. But now, it's a different case altogether. Amazing.

If you scroll down, you'll see that i've placed the Archives back. I guess some people still read them. For what, i have no idea. Hur hur. (Am kidding only, don't angry k?)

This was written on the 8th of Dec, 2004. When i was very much an individualistic fella (edited slightly to be more coherent):

"I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.

(edited: the photos are NOT photos taken during my birthday, ok?)

I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.

Gone, *poof!*, are the days of "legitimate teen abhorrence" of your parents and of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)

No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.

Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to a small gathering or small gatherings, to a family affair, to... just a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories if you are lucky, on that special day.

(I haven't decided on what i am going to do on my 21st birsthday this coming December. Though honestly, i don't actually really see it as a big and exciting thing.)

Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?

Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*

Looking through photos of the birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember. First you see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture... And then as you look through the album, you might stumble upon other candid pictures of yourself with him/her and maybe some other more personal photos.

Sad, i say."


Back then when i wrote this, i was hoping that i would still be a swinging, singing single (sounds like monkey liddat) when i hit 21. I had in mind, and planned to be surrounded by just friends and family without having anyone special to share that day with me. I didn't want to have any baggages when it comes to memories and emotions if that relationship ends after an occasion like that.

Flashbulb memories are memories that tend to be lasting and vividly clear because of the emotional ties that are attached to those memories. Think of the September 11th attacks and the Vietnam War, and how it must be for those people who went through all that. Ok, a bit large scale i know, but you get my drift, correct?

So you see, i wanted to save myself from pain. Because i decided that i had experienced enough of that crap stuff for the time being. The approximately 1 and a half to 2 years worth of a backlash for a 9 month relationship was a bit... Extravagent. Hur, hur.

Yeah, yeah. Call me emotional, sensitive and touchy. I am like that lar, very loyal to the end one, ok?

But it looks like my future (or the current present) had a strange way of pulling out strings from my past and weaving them together in a thoroughly insane way that i would never have expected it to. Twisting and turning and... Er... I would've said "to poke me back in my butt" but that would mean that being attached now is a bad thing.

I am just coming to that.

I thought i could control my future, i thought i had absolute power over that. Power over what i wanted and what i didn't. Though i did acknowledge at some point that if things did change, i honestly wouldn't know what i might do.

As present circumstances would have it, i have found (or he found me?) someone who understands me, in all (ok, most) of my weird and eccentric ways, my irrational emotions, who doesn't return my rubbishy crappy attitude the same way i dish it out at him, he who somehow blows my mind when it comes to unearthly patience and tolerance, how he is able to verbalize how i feel inside when i myself can't seem to express them, how he travels from one end of the country to the other just to er, visit me, and a ton of other things that i have yet to discover or i already know, just that i hesitate to tell you for fear of boring the living daylights out of you.
Or maybe make you foam at the mouth.

(but for you, i will sing, ok, i cannot sing chant your praises if you want to know how special you are to me)

Now tell me, how can i possibly be unhappy about being with such a gem? If i could just fabricate a little scene and hope that it is not blasphemous, (God forgive me if it is so) i think i'd imagine a scene where God is working in his Laboratory of Creation:

"And now... for one of my favourite parts in Creating Stuff... *and he walks over to the corner of his Lab, and bends over a very humble looking but somehow-beautiful-in-its-simplicity chest labelled "The Better Ones" "The Gems" and gently flips it open to pick out a tiny glowing green stone-like thing*

Smiling, God drops the last one into the current concoction, "Babies for Year 1983", and waits for the green stone to dissolve before pouring the mixture over a model of Planet Earth.

"Your lives I held in my hand, and I loved you before your Earthly existence. I will love you for all time, and will always be here for you in all the seasons of your life. May i see you and meet with you again when you have lived out the life i have given you. I'm sure you'll have many questions to ask me when the time comes. =) "


***

Ok, maybe i went too far with the "The Better Ones". I am kidding lah because i was reminded of this comic i saw. It was a Gary Larson comic (morbid-dark humour), which i thought was rather cheeky. It was a picture of God shaking a salt shake container labelled "Jerks" over a model of Earth and saying:
"Now, to make things more interesting..."
(or something to that effect)

Anyway, everyone's a Gem in their own ways. We were all created differently but also similarly in some ways. ;-)
But of course as you already know and can obviously see, i am being totally and unapologetically biased. La dee da.

Am i making you foam over your keyboards now? Wait i am not done yet!

And so yes... I "broke my own stay-single-at-21 rule" and i am not regretting it. How can i regret it when...

(Wa lao eh! Joline! Stop it already lah! So mushy, *choke* i want to die already...! *cough* *gag*)

Ok Folks, i hear you.

Back to mugging.

*Thanks mom for letting me enjoy my birthday during the holiday season. How perfect.*

7 comments:

Eliss said...

wah i was tinking ur bday was cuming huh? so coincident that u was tinking abt it. Good for u , having sumoone special to spend a special 21st bday!! Muz throw a big party and CELEBRATE!

joline said...

eliss:

Really? *grin* Now that's a coincidence. ;-) Hur hur, i am honoured to have you remember my birthday.
Frankly, as much as i would love to have all my friends share in some good, clean fun, i don't handle attention very well in large group settings. Tsk, tsk, and i thought i was an extrovert. *pout*
Will be thinking about what to do with myself when the date draws closer. heehee. Thanks girl. ;-)

History Maker said...

hey jo,

hope u will enjoy ur 21st bday this year. I had a bad one though. But in order to have it big and fun, remember to invite ur cell, jc friends, etc.

Will pray for you for your exams.
Do join us for pre-service prayer if possible. We're experiencing a great time there.

Be Blessed.

joline said...

History Maker:

Hi there! Long time no see you here... Thank you, i really really appreciate your kind thought and gesture. Studying for exams this year has been insane...

Hm. I don't believe you've told me about your 21st birthday.

Heh, as much as i would like to have all my friends around, i don't think i'll be able to er... gel everyone together. I would prefer everyone to be comfortable with one another instead of being in different segregated groups.

cheryl said...

Hey joline! cheryl here. hmmm hope you're still ok after all the mugging. two papers only while I have like 10? sob sob..heh heh but i'm sure you'll do fine. will be praying for you!

joline said...

Cheryl:

Aiyo, so nice of you to come see if i am still alive. hur hur. Thank you for your prayers... Appreciate it a lot. You'll be in mine too!

Can understand the myriad of papers you have to face. Take them one at a time, one step at a time and focus on doing each completely and well! And you'll feel the satisfaction of striking it off your exam timetable. heehee.

But if things don't go as planned, it's ok... The best thing is to shrug it off because it's over and donw with and get ready to start again with a renewed frame of mind to conquer the next one!

joline said...

Cheryl:

And yes, and HOW can i forget... Pray before starting on the paper, committing everything to the Lord and remembering that it is done in His strength and not in our own.