Monday, August 30, 2004

I am Malfunctioning (edited here and there)

SIGH... Wanna HUUUUUGGGG you now man. :-( YESSSSSsssss, sisterhood reigns supreme!!! Glad you dropped a message. Feeling quite beat up. Cannot WAIT for the exams to be over.
I do hope that you are doing ok on your side...

ARGH! Sorry... i updated this post and i lost your comment in the process...

*** ***

I tell you, this is getting from bad to worse.

I don't know who i precisely am, something i should've figured out, at least in part/good part, during my teens years, theoretically speaking.

The main issue:
Am i truly noisy, or truly quiet?
Extroverted, introverted?
Or both?
Or do certain people/environments bring out different sides to me?
I think that's mostly the case...?
Then again, it that really?
As i've said, i'm not sure about anything about myself.

On one hand, i can be so chirpy, enthusiastic, loud, sharp... The Life. I feel the need for attention, the need to contribute actively to whatever's going on.

On the other hand, I am pleased to merely sit all by myself and get lost in my thoughts. Not just alone even, I can do that even in the middle of a bustling Orchard, Mall, etc. And it feels good to be in my own little world of rubbish thoughts.

Sometimes, i scream inside because i want to be heard and to be loud and chirpy, but instead, i'd be polite and "nice" on the outside. And quiet. Where the * did quiet come from, from joline's profile?!?!???!
Most of my friends who've been with me over the years, know that i am SO NOT QUIET.

Of late:
I think i am sinking into a stupor of sometimes thoughtless instances, sometimes thoughtful but aimless and rubbishy instances.
I am becoming spaced out, blur, limbo-ish, SLOW.
Don't mistake my thoughtfulness as "deep".
My thoughts run wild, replaying events/conversations, revolves around self centred issues...
I am forcing myself to seem cheerful. To seem like i am a good conversationalist.
When inside, i just feel like shutting up and spacing out.

Is this just simply a phase everyone has at some point in time?
Or is there something about me that's really changing?
Or am i just... simply put: STRESSED?

I've become more anti-social as well. SERIOUS.
Man... when i came to SIM, i was bursting with energy, not tiring from helping others and making friends...
But now, i don't feel like i want to talk to anyone, i feel like simply isolating myself, get the lecture/tutorial over with and dash on home.

This, i realize when i search myself.

It's not that i really WANT to space out or run away from everyone.
What i think is causing my anti-socialness is BECAUSE... I have not found someone, or a group of people whom i can REALLY, relate to, 100%.
Someone/some people whom i can easily say to (like, out of the blue?): "Ok, i need to shit..." (or something like that)

The people i've met, mostly, are basically all nice. But all things conversational stop at school work.
I've tried to get a little more personal. But doesn't really last.

But of course, i must hasten to add that there are TWO who come somewhat close to more than just schoolmates. I appreciate them... A lot.

It's not anyone's fault. I'm just in a different environment, with loads of different people around me...
And unfortunately, have not met other completely-joline-compatible-jigsaw pieces.

I'm sure I don't have to go into detail about finding Mr Right either.
WHAT are the friggin' chances?!

SO... i guess the reason why i feel so anti-social is because i feel kinda, actually mildly depressed over not having a friend whom i can identify with, spill all the nonsense, and talk about things heart to heart without being PRETENTIOUS.

Ok, so i really miss having that kind of intimate friendships i am/was used to having.

Perhaps i'm not being myself either anyway.

To all those who have felt that in some way, i have not done you any justice as a friend...
I AM SORRY. Tell me to my face if you feel you really have to.

*** ***

Went out with an archer friend today.
I was thinking: "Man, he sounds just like me last time, when i used to try to make conversation with a quiet friend."

I'm awfully sorry. I was so lost in my thoughts and this limbo state.

Put two people together who think about things and you have a SilentFest.

I've yet to know more about him, though so far he seems to come across as a kind hearted, good citizen, thoughtful (both as in "considerate" and "a thinker") person.
GO YOU, Mr Nice!
Heh, and he can come up with quite farni lines that just crack me up.

Come to think about laughter...
I'll be really honest and say that i've not had ONE seriously, LONG, HEARTY, totally REAL SINCERE laugh/guffaw/howl/cackle/HEE!HEE!HEE!!!, over ANYthing in a very very long long while.

I miss that kind of release. It just makes the being feel so much lighter, so joyful, so warm inside. SO REAL.
But i've not had that. And i miss it.

*** ***

Sheesh... WHY? I am OVER him! Why is it that thoughts of him keep drifting into my thoughts?!?! I can understand if this happens around Feb because maybe i still have some deep, inset, cognitive thing about the break-up, which happened then.
But it's not Feb.

I DIDN'T ask for these thoughts to come, they just do. I DON'T want them to! I have a life to live, more important things to channel my thoughts to.

But maybe it's because of unsettled issues.

To make things worse, i actually had a dream last night that included him. GEE! NONSENSE!

*** ***

I checked my email to be surprised by a not-pertaining-to-official-business from The One... Unmentionable.

One thing to say:
I hate archery politics, X suggests i get involved as a member, X made his intentions clear.

If i vote for A, and A wins, X'll be pretty dang pissed and will most probably make my life difficult in archery.

If i vote for X, and X wins, A'll be feeling pretty dang betrayed and might kill me the next time if they come back into power.

Analysis of A:
A hasn't really given me full reason to believe in them if they were to remain in charge of the club. They failed me once and it has hurt very badly.
On the other hand, they were the ones who took me in, believed in me, taught me. And more or less got the AAS moving after years of stagnation.
But even then, ACS has been almost lifeless and nobody really knows what's going on with our club.
If however, A is ousted from this club, they have nothing left except to set up their own club or something. This seems to be the only thread they have. Can i deny them of it?

Analysis of X:
X has now gotten power and i'm not sure how long the reign will be. He in some way has brought archery up, but only to stagnate after a while when i *think* complecency set in.
Now, he claims to bring back the vigour and life, get things moving again. I've seen that in other aspects, shifting this and that, causing some mayhem...
But one thing, they can't seem to update the friggin' website on upcoming events, is that SO friggin' difficult???!!
In fact, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, the only thing they updated on the website is...
Their own NAMES as the new office bearers.
They claim they are still settling and have no time. Ok... is that a valid reason, or an excuse to blot out a glitch in their so called efficiency?


Whatever it is, if i vote in favour of X, life in archery might not be too bad for me.
But then, i will be throwing my archery presence into the hands of political fiends (shall i add an adjective before that? Hm.) who i cannot trust entirely. AND, i will lose trust from the other side. Failed loyalty.

I am torn between, voting for the good of the club, for my own good, or for the good of the party who helped me from the start.

Lord Help... Help me to make a wise decision.

Till Then.
*Will prolly be silent as i have a major assignment to finish*

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