Thursday, August 26, 2004

Personal Disclosure (long ramble, be warned)

All that money for just the memory cards for the dream machine...? woohoo! So, to get or not the get.
Well, i believe that if you feel you want it so bad, it's going to work for you and it's calling to you... considering you won't be penniless for the next month that you live on cabbage soup, then perhaps it'll be a worthwhile investment.
By the way, them shots of the cameramen and the atheletes was just truly amazing. Felt like one was transported right to that spot in Athens. Goodness... the whole array of spiffy equipment was just gawk worthy!
About the coach. Sounds pretty likely. Think he's waiting me out, and in the meantime, trying to get me to do my part to show some merit as well. The question though, is timing/when. Because of the politics involved, timing is crucial.
Glad you like the card. :-D

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And the dog muses about the meaning of life. Posted by Hello

Been thinking and wanting to blog this down before, just never got down to it after it was erased forever due to my carelessness. Ok, i've also forgotten the most part of it.
I think this post is going to be very haphazard-like as my thoughts are little fragments floating about in space.
Here goes:

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I guess i'm very much the traditionalist. Amidst much talk about people losing values to become more secular, i guess i still belong to the "old" traditional type, when it comes to relationships.
I am inclined to think that more shallow relationships tend to occur between people of a certain group type.
Feel free to enlighten me about your thoughts on that.

Anyway, i don't drink, not even for social purposes. Maybe only if my family has decided to open one of the numerous hamper alcoholic drinks.
Eg. XO and the like.

Never smoked, never done drugs, don't enjoy getting piss drunk, i haven't been to places most people my age and younger even, frequent. I am quite happy staying out of them.
I feel like i've broken the law already just by skipping one class.

I don't believe in slutting around, i don't believe in being cheap.
I am the quite low maintenance type.
But of course, it'd be nice if the guy is naturally sweet...

If i like a guy... sigh. I'd never be the one to tell him first. Well at least, i've never done that so far. I may... if circumstances push me that far. I've never pursued anyone explicitly.
I like it the other way around, really.
At most, i'd... Oh wait! This is public! Mustn't expose tactics or else i might draw weird stares from guy friends!!!

I gotta admit that single life frees me from committment, being accountable for anything. I don't owe anyone an explanation for where i've been, who i've talked to, what i'm doing. I'm free to go out with whichever guy friend i like and no one other than parentals, can say no.

But there comes a point when as a single who's experienced a relationship before, feels lonely and longs for that loving partnership one can have with someone one has deep feelings and cares for. That special someone in life.

And it has to be this time when the feeling has to hit. When i'm still in first year uni.
I know now, that studies and a relationship don't go hand in hand for me. UNLESS, my partner is the sort who totally understands my style and can leave me alone for long stretches of time.

I'm the sort who needs space. I don't like being restrained as i like my freedom. The more one controls me, the more angry i get and the more likely that i'll retaliate.
If one can give me space, that's one major point.

I guess there's one person who has the qualities of someone i could be with. BUT, to be true to the both of us, i had to be honest and tell him that i felt that somewhere, there's something that doesn't quite go, between us.
I think it hurt him because it was only after one year (and feelings grow) that i told him the truth.
We are good friends now, not uncomfortable with that fact. It is this one aspect about him, maturity about "rejection", that i really like about him.
(isn't rejection such an ugly word? But i lack a better one)

Then there was this other person. Not sure if he still reads this blog. I know he commented once looong time before about something i wrote, but that was yonks past.

Just because of my restrictive parents, that i think played a part in making me Queen Suaku of the Universe, i missed two events that were important to two guy friends.

One of which is the one i mentioned about 2 paragraphs up. After the ex, he was the one and first guy i actually liked. A LOT.
For a time, we seemed pretty close and i thought: Hey, gosh... I really like him. It looks like it's going somewhere.

But since that one particular day, he more or less disappeared. He is now nothing but an occasional "hello, ..."

I had no idea why that had to happen.
Was it because she could step in when i couldn't?
You don't know how much it hurt when you told me... But who am i to voice it. It's your life.
Of which i play no part anymore, i think.

Or were we just too different in your eyes?

Anyway, no hard feelings at all. Nope, nope, none at all.

Ah hah. Then i shocked myself not long ago.

All along, i thought i had my heart under control. That i was smart, all knowing about who i wanted and who i didn't want. I thought i was very well versed already with matters pertaining to my heart.
But BOY! Was i horribly wrong...

I thought i would never fall for another suger coated tongue..
I thought i knew what i wanted and would never fall for that again.
But no. I entirely outdid myself.
Not only was he really good with words, we had different beliefs and values.

I told myself long before, to never fall for it but i did. I was so sure of myself. But i ended up betraying myself, my God. I was so BLIND.

NOTE: It's not that i view relationships with differing religions as abhorrent. It is merely a rule i follow and adhere to, that as a Christian, my partnership must be with someone who loves the same God. So, it is a fault on my part to have given in. To say i was blind, is not because you're a worthless, bad person that i should never have bothered about. It is just that i have failed in something and failed someone that i hold dear.


The problem is, i am a hopeless romantic. The type who falls for sweet mouths.
They make me feel special, wanted, treasured, loved, warm inside.
But of course, the downside is, there's the insecurity that he's like that to every other female. That no one is really special anyway.
And that it's just another tactic to string the hopeless romantics along.
Or just some ego trip?

I tell myself: I've learnt already, I know now... I'm not stupid anymore.
But you know, i'm not so sure of myself anymore.
That was exactly what i told myself before but see what happened.

Perhaps it was a humbling experience from God above.
Thank you Lord for showing me that.

I'm not sure when i'll meet my match. I'm not sure if i ever will. Honestly, as i've said before...

I'm weird, i'm not like a lot of girls.
I'm not demure, nice-type, pretty, slim, gentle... I'm not from any some such coveted university.

I'm not brilliant like Ho Ching, i'm not the other Joline Lim, from HCJC. Dangit, she's a scholar!
I am not outstandingly talented.
I am not tall. I don't have nice legs.

Stocky and muscular, for you?
No thanks? Ah, i thought so.

Apart from looks, who i am, the eccentric little goose, greatly sieves or filters the kind of guys i meet and the kind of guys who accept me for who i am.
Let alone the guys who actually end up liking me.

Sad eh?

Anyway, at least something wants my attention now. Yes, what is it?

Till Then.
*Critical review of a psychological research journal article*

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