Saturday, April 10, 2004

Please pardon my evil twin.
Although i think she has made a point i might probably choose to make use of at some point in time.

Ever felt weird because you were trying to tell someone about God even though you had issues with Him yourself?

Last night was as such.

Just cannot begin to express how broken i feel inside. (let's use "X" to denote someone i know)

X is someone i just met recently and X has been sharing with me quite appalling things from his past and present life. It is a wonder how he is able to carry on daily life without going totally insane.
X isn't all that young so that would mean he has been going through some pretty "good" crap.

His situation is unspeakably awful. I can only DESCRIBE the sadness of it all but i cannot go into details.
Those of you out there who might be going through a rough patch or have gone through some, might want to consider speaking to him.
You will not only realize that you're not alone, but there're some people whose situations can be far worse.

Was trying to tell him how God can change his life. God can turn it all around, from something so bad to something good. When God is in the middle, He can turn great sadness into a great testimony.

But there was no way i could persuade him. I don't believe in forcing God down a person's throat. I can't change his mind. I can only tell him but only he can change his own mind.
He's been through so much. I can only nod and say "i understand"... but i never really will. The pain of his predicament is just too great for sheltered-me to comprehend.

Felt terrible that here i was, a christian, trying to tell someone about God, but never having felt the fullness of God at all.

If i were a psychologist or psychiatrist hearing of his problems, WITHOUT having developed a friendship, it wouldn't have such an impact on me.
When he shares his load, i can feel the burden transferring over to me as well.
I know it should not have this kind of negative effect on me, but it is happening. Am feeling down already.

Was i put in this position for a reason? Well, i believe things don't happen coincidentally.
In addition to the problems, we had an argument. Things are just so complicated.
Just two weeks ago, i was carefree with no notion of someone so in need of help.
This day, i suddenly feel as if i have some responsibility to bear.

He jolly well knows i can't help him, says no one can... and staunchly says not even God can. It hurts to hear the whole thing.

It is tragic that on this Earth, some people just have to endure so much pain and loss.
His spirit is just so worn and tattered from all the stones and barbed ammunition that is constantly being lobbed at him.

I want to just push him away. Push him away so that i needn't feel sad. Push him away so that there's one less worry in life.
But even an idiot would know that that is a selfish, abhorrent thing to do.

But if i were to stick with it, i pray... I really PRAY that GOD would help me endure through it.
It is sucking the life out of me.

I know the real person in need here, is X.

God Help. God, PLEASE Help.

Theoretically, i know God never forsakes his children. But ever felt so far from God?

Perhaps my emotions are getting the better of me.
I should learn to be stronger. Both in mind and in emotion.
Learn to know what should bother me and what should not.
Learn how to partition feelings and thoughts from what's at hand.




Heart is aching.

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