Positivity

Alwyn:
Thanks a lot. I have to figure that one out though. Think long and hard over it.
6 days a week! Really no joke.
And old man doesn't like the sound of it now that they have changed it.

*** ***

There was a woman. Young she is, 36.

I believe she was living a life of her own. Successful, yuppie type of lifestyle. Being able to travel, work abroad, with a pretty decent job.

But one day she awoke to find that she had a monstrous headache that wouldn't go away.
And her colleagues would visit her everyday to see how she was faring but it got no better.
When she went to see the doctor in New York, where she was based at, she discovered that she had some nerve and vein problems in her brain.
In addition, she had also suffered a stroke. A 4cm by 4cm clot in her brain was detected.

She could not fly back immediately to Singapore as it was too dangerous.

When she did return, she lived her life as though it was a dream. Her balanced was messed up, her right side of her body was impaired because of the clot in her left brain.
There was so many things she could no longer do.
The extent of the damage was something no one should go through.

She kept telling her friends... "Wake me up, Wake me up from this dream..."
Her world was nothing like what it used to be.

Anyhow, then a friend brought her to a place where people could help.
In a few months (2-3 months or so), a miracle happened.

She woke up one morning to find that she felt... Different.
She felt, something was different about her today. She felt... something had CHANGED.

She knew her doctor told her that she should not swim unless she had someone to watch over her.
But guess what.
She went downstairs to the pool and jumped in. And SHE SWAM.
She swam, and swam BETTER than she did before the incident.

The doctor told her that the clot was to take at least 6 months to clear.
But no.
She was HEALED!

Even the doctor was astounded.

*** ***

And last week, she was in church to tell us all about it.
When she came forward, she said, "I can't even believe that i was ever sick!"

She was born into a christian family but left the church for 15-20years.

But that day, things changed for her. And she is now a living testimony that God heals.

Even though she had strayed, God still loved her and healed her when she decided to return to the Father.

She knows that God is trying to tell her something.

The place that her friend brought her to, was the Healing Rooms, it is so named.
It is a ministry in our church that serves to open doors to people who need healing from their ailments.

She is not the only one who has experienced healing through the power of God.

*** ***

The Lord never turns away someone who sincerely comes crying back to Him.
He does not gloat, He never rejects, He never drives away.

Instead, He welcomes with open, loving arms.
Just like in the story of the Prodigal Son.

In life, God needs to throw something at us before we realize or learn anything.
We are like repeats of the Isrealites back in history.

God had to teach and discipline the people that He loved.
And that is how we are like to Him today.

*** ***

I love japanese rice.
With the seasoning and stuff.
(the sesame seeds, seaweed, and other whatnots that are brown in colour but tastes good)

Mom made a new pot of it this morning. HEAVENLY!
Dump egg, beef/prawns onto the thing and wala!

Ooohh... Yum.

*** ***

Want to get my PDL today.
Hopefully can also summon guts to call up Clint.
*eeekk!!!*

*** ***

Have not been feeling well for the past few days.
Guts have been acting up on me, making me feel miserable and uncomfortable.
Not that i've been puking, but i feel lousy.

Gotta go. Have to get work done if i want to get out today.

Hmmm.....

Been having a slightly quieter time.
Could be quieter. I wish it so.
I need some peace to gather myself together, quieten my mind, calm my heart and control my emotions.

*** ***

Went to the outdoor range yesterday from 1pm till 6pm. HA.

And my mom tagged along throughout the whole 5 hours. I must contragulate her on her perserverence.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Reading the papers from cover to cover in the shade but in the HEAT.

I hope NOW she believes that i can REALLY shoot for 5 hours non-stop in the heat and sun.
And it is not as if i escape somewhere to meet my secret taleban boyfriend.
*rolls eyes*

My dad and mom got to meet Simon and Clint.

My dad believes he was being sweet talked into letting me join the team.
I agree.
Buttered me up like dunno wad. Embarrassing lor.

Anyway, i did ok even with mom and Simon around. I guess i am moving on.
Not as scared as before.

Groupings were better this week than last week. Still inconsistent.
But i can safely say that when it is inconsistent, it's not horribly off. It's like, in red or blue.
State of mind and body, i suppose.

I had one bull's eye! YAY!

I started archery in march and i guess progress is not too bad. Considering i only go once a week.
HA.

I have learnt that training is everyday, cept monday.
Not 4 times per week.

My old man does NOT like that.

CRUD. I've been wondering and worrying about whether i can handle it.
I've learnt of two girls in NUS who have not decided whether to join either.
ARGH.

My form still sucks big time.

*chuckle*

Then, i am suppose to call Clint to make a trip to SAFRA. ARGH.
This is a super tough decision.

LORD, help me.
My life is yours, my days are yours.
Have it YOUR way.

Life

Life is an interesting thing.

So many experiences.

Time holds so much that can occur. Just within that space.

Then you think of how much more of life you have.

You meet some, you lose some.

You think of how comprehensive it all is.

I know so little. I have experienced so little.

It takes guts to step out.

My cooped up protective life shields me.

Count me blessed or cursed.
Most would say blessed.

I guess life would resume back to "normal".
But with a huge wound that needs to heal. And i will live with the scar.

Life would go back to how Joline once saw it.
School, JC friends, church, archery.
Carefree except for school work.

Relationship? What is that?

Joline will have no more emotional responsibilities.

It is empty.

But at the back of her mind, she knows he still lingers.

She does not know how and what.

She just wants to be alone. To be alone. To heal.

So new, all these.

All part of Life.

Onward Christian Soldier!

*** ***

Clint called to say to come check out a compound bow.

Second hand but very new. $1100. Was told only used once.
Includes: arrow rest, scope and sight and case.

Excludes: stabilizer, arrows and trigger. Prolly the arm guard also.

The scope itself costs a bomb. Can be up to $500, if it's from the brand Sure-Loc.

So, the bare bow itself really doesn't cost very much. That's IF it is a Sure-Loc sight.
Will be poking around tomorrow.

Having to juggle school and potential archery training is something of a daunting task.

The more i think of it, the more i feel afraid.
But i know that if i continue being afraid of being challenged, my kind of life and mentality is useless to me.

I cannot be wallowing away at home, taking my own sweet time.
Sure, my grades have been coming back, making me grin from ear to ear.
But i had so much time, no challenges.

Add some funk.

It is going to help me to focus more, make better use of my time.
To stop dreaming, getting it going on.

Recent events have made me turn to God more and i think i will finally get up and find a cell group.

Priorities.
God, School, Archery and er... (dd..r..r....iiii...vv....ing...) *shudder*

Can i handle it?
Training will take up 4 days per week.

I know that when i focus, i can get things done. (school work)
The side effects are just acute exhaustion after that.

But if that's what it is going to take. So Be It.

I was psychologically psyched up to prove i could achieve some time ago. But the drive has lessened into doubt.

I feel less sure of being able to prove myself.
But i think once i start getting into the groove, i will be fine.

*** ***

It was a desire, within me, to do something for the republic.

Ever since i stepped onto he field, i've tried to keep God in mind.

I am wondering if this path was opened to me because God decided upon it.

I fear that at some point, i will step away from God's agenda. That, i do not want.
I want to cling onto Him. Every step of the way.

PAIN

The truth was revealed in the most terrible manner.

Cold fear gripped my heart.

Tears flowed as i spoke.

Now only pain stabs my heart.

The pain of lost, the pain of suspicion and mistrust.

I have NEVER, EVER felt like this.

To have had feelings but, before anything could happen, future has been snuffed out.

Parental disapproval.

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.

ACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dumb, hurt, silenced.

I can only cry softly to God.
Or wail.

But that would bring my whole confounded family on me like a pack of hounds.

Twisting, pining, numb, ache.

Mistrust, suspicion, reflection.

ALONE.

Pain.
That pretty much sums up everything.

My eyes hurt from crying.

The music playing in the background is the only thing keeping me sane.

Thank God tomorrow's saturday. Church.

OH LORD MY GOD, HELP.

Listening to "Firm Foundation" (kinda ironic, considering recent occurrences)

May the Lord have His way in my life.
Let me not fight for what I want but follow instead His agenda.
Remind me to depend fully upon the Lord.
Let me cling onto His every word, His every will for my life.
Help me to trust You completely.

*** ***

Question:
How do you know when something that is staring in your face is part of God's plan?

Easy answer: Pray.

Question:
How do you differentiate between thoughts and God's voice?

Answer: When God speaks, you will know.

Question:
What if you don't get a response?

Answer: Er... Wait? Continue praying... i guess.

Such instances make life quite hard. When you are feeling lost and are relying on God, somehow... It seems all quiet up there.

*** ***

The collapse of Nicoll Highway came as a full shock.
No more can we go on thinking that nothing can happen to us.
Who would have thought that this would happen in good old Singapore, the highly successful island, with first class facilities. (well, mostly)
Like many have said, it is a miracle that no passenger vehicles on the highway sunk along with the highway.
Furthermore, workers who were working were "partially saved" as they were having a break during the collapse.

It is like this email i received.

It's entitled the Small Things.
I'm not sure about the reliability of the email but you can never be sure that it is lying either.

It speaks of how some people were spared death during the 9/11 attack.
For example,

1. My kid got sick so i had to bring her to the doctor
2. I tripped over a stone and twisted my ankle so i couldn't get to work on time...
...

That sort of thing.

It's these little "ANNOYING" things in life that may actually have spared us our lives.

I stand by the fact that nothing ever happens by chance.

*** ***

I have a very bored pet dog in my room.

He's telling me, in doggy language, to play with him.
But i am typing out a blog entry and attempting to crank out a good psychology essay.

*** ***

What is Love?
I shall go check out the Bible's definition.
And make a check list for the feelings i have.

*** ***

Apparently, one of the archers i was introduced to on sunday found me on Friendster. And he knows... Pdus! Cool.


Got to go.

Till Then.
*Will someone PLEASE sell me your compound bow?*

Whoopee...

First and Foremost:

1. Friend has decided to return back to Christ!!!!!!!! OH!!!! HOOHOOHOH!!!!!! HAPPY!!!!!!!! HAPPY!!!!!!!!
AHH!!!!!!!!!!

2. Thank you all for responding to the previous entry, both in comments and sms. It is really nice to know that you care. What will i do without you. *BIG HUG TO ALL*
I really appreciate it.

3. There was more to it then plain rejection.

*** ***

Things have FINALLY settled down and i hope and PRAY that it's going to stay this way.
I am too tired to carry on arguing and fighting. It doesn't help too that sms can be such a pain.
Sms is like the most discrete form of communication. Especially good when you have parents like mine.

My parents are PROTECTIVE, can be overreactive like potassium in water (is that correct? My chemistry all give back to Mr Paul Cheong already), they are CONSERVATIVE, TRADITIONAL, a bit the CLOSED-MINDED.

Hello... I have a friend who has a mom who,
1. likes him to drink, YES, DRINK ALCOHOL with her. And NO, she is NOT WACKO.
2. dyed his hair FOR him. I think it was... orange.

What a difference.

*** ***

I watched "The Passion of the Christ" on saturday.

I was prepared for a gory, violent show.
I can't say i shed tears enough to feed my dog.
In fact, i didn't really feel emotionally stirred at all.

Am i heartless and insensitive?
I am actually.
But I also say it has something to do with the expectation prior to the show.

But what it HAS done for me though, is this:

It served to me as a reminder that
God is REAL.
God LOVES us.
And just LOOOOK at him. So obedient, patient and kind.
Gentle, like a little lamb.

Do you think any human today will go through all that for his friends, without uttering a curse at least once?
NO!

What Love is This?
God's Love.
God IS Love.
Isn't that such a wonderful truth?

Our lives are in no better hands.
If you think Christians are insane to let their lives be controlled by some unseen force/spirit...
Well, apparently, this unseen force/spirit is very very very caring and loving.
How can we not trust such a being to take care of us.

Of late, because of QT being done in the mornings, i can safely say that i'm beginning to love spending time with God. It wasn't like this some time ago.

By the way, listening to Christian music when one is down is a sure remedy to calm and soothe the soul.
What better way to seek solace.
Everytime there's turmoil, you know someone is there to help.
He works in mysterious ways...

Ah... Bliss in God.

*** ***

Finished church service today, had lunch with family and god bro and his mom.
THEN LEFT FOR ARCHERY!!!!!!!

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF IT!

I was there from 1:05pm to 6:36pm. ( i remembered the log in and out time)

WA. I got sunburnt and thus "earned my strips" as an archer.
Have got these super obvious untanned lines.

My calves are darker then my white chicken thighs. ( was wearing berms)
My face is red with sun kissed splotches.
Very unglam looking tan. Hahahhaa...

My favourite part of the day.

When my shooting kaki and i decided to have some fun at 30m. WOOOTT!

Before he came, i was having my own practice at 18-20m. I must say i've improved lots. And i feel so contented.
Actually had all 5-6 arrows in yellow. And this regular while walking by, gave me some encouragement! *beams*

So when my kaki came, i felt confident enough to move on to 30m. (Simon and Frankie weren't around... So, play around a bit LAH!)
And goodness!!! It started out really funny because we were hitting targets all right... NOT OUR OWN ! We kept shooting into each others targets without meaning to. Which were next to each other. Teeheehee, had so much fun laughing at each other.

But of course, things got better after adjusting the sights.
I'm so happy... I didn't lose any arrows and i managed to hit yellows!
VERY INCONSISTENT though. Some were probably flukes but overall, not bad for a 30m stint, PLUS, the targets were not the regular size ones. They were smaller.

Oh.

And i spoke to the National Coach, Clint.
He says that he'll be looking around for a 2nd hand Compound for me and he says he hopes to see me around soon training with the national team.
*uh........*

Suddenly the thought of it seems almost dreamlike. Unreal.

I was introduced to two national team shooters. Pretty young guys, methinks. Younger than me, at least.

I could hardly remember their names.
But one of them remembered mine.
Was quite shocked when he said goodbye to me before jumped into the car and left.

Everyone seems to be chinese speaking, and there i was, some chinese illiterate. Pathetic.

My parents didn't believe that i was shooting at the range the whole time.
They thought i galavented somewhere.
See how neurotic they are.
Hello, Joline LOVES ARCHERY... why'd she go anywhere...?

I'm back with a
1. remarkably uneven tan,
2. red face,
3. aching right shoulder joint
4. bruises on my left arm.
5. two tingling right fingers. (i need a good finger tab...)

FOR THE LOVE OF THE SPORT!

Till Then
*The Heart Sings.*

Sad.

I hate doing this.
And this is the second time it has happened.

I hate rejection and i hate to reject.

The hurt in my heart is mirrored in the other party's.
But his hurt is a few times mine.

I do not wish to boast. I do not want to come across as a braggart.
Am just feeling SO DARN MISERABLE.

Imagine someone hurting BECAUSE of you. Who ever likes to make ANYONE hurt? (apart from out of spite/revenge)
This is downright cruel. But i had no choice.
All i wanted to do was to help.

Why.
Why.
Why.

The human soul.
The human emotions.
The human body.
All Broken.

Love. Such a word.
So much joy, so much pain.

OH LORD HELP!
Be his solace and mine.
If he would only open his heart to hear.

Out of Hand...

Alwyn:
Thanks Alwyn. I agree with you and been trying to act on your advice.
It sure is comforting to receive advice from a fellow Christian, and better still, someone who's been there and done that.

Not long ago, our church gave us 2 little booklets.
One book was on how to tell people about Christ after watching "Godspell".
The other book was one which we're suppose to give out as a gospel tract.

I think those two books are invaluable bits of help concerning how to "bring" prebelievers to Christ.

Thank God for them.

Yup. For people who have had negative experiences and aren't receptive, it is best to just treat them with tender loving care, be of good christian character (Thanks Alwyn) and give tracts or things to do with God......

Been trying to be a good friend to him but things have taken a twist.
Use a little imagination and i think you will get my implication.

Have not been feeling as down as a few days ago.
I feel somewhat mercifully detached but still able to be friend. But i have something new and delicate to deal with.
And it's not going to be easy.

Lord God, please help.

***

Went to SAFRA last sunday and discovered that the lady there wasn't the mom of David but they're like... cousins!
(oooohhh!)

The best part is, she's in the national team. And in the women's compound team.
WOOT!
She was telling me that the national team needs to train up more women compound bow shooters. No surprises there.
Gladly...

I got a bull's eye at 18m! WOO!!!
With compound, it's easier.

Got to go.
Really hope things will come to a rest. A low, constant buzz will be fine.
I can't take roller coaster emotional rides no more.

Till Then.
*Read your bible, Pray everyday. You will grow, grow, grow...*

Please pardon my evil twin.
Although i think she has made a point i might probably choose to make use of at some point in time.

Ever felt weird because you were trying to tell someone about God even though you had issues with Him yourself?

Last night was as such.

Just cannot begin to express how broken i feel inside. (let's use "X" to denote someone i know)

X is someone i just met recently and X has been sharing with me quite appalling things from his past and present life. It is a wonder how he is able to carry on daily life without going totally insane.
X isn't all that young so that would mean he has been going through some pretty "good" crap.

His situation is unspeakably awful. I can only DESCRIBE the sadness of it all but i cannot go into details.
Those of you out there who might be going through a rough patch or have gone through some, might want to consider speaking to him.
You will not only realize that you're not alone, but there're some people whose situations can be far worse.

Was trying to tell him how God can change his life. God can turn it all around, from something so bad to something good. When God is in the middle, He can turn great sadness into a great testimony.

But there was no way i could persuade him. I don't believe in forcing God down a person's throat. I can't change his mind. I can only tell him but only he can change his own mind.
He's been through so much. I can only nod and say "i understand"... but i never really will. The pain of his predicament is just too great for sheltered-me to comprehend.

Felt terrible that here i was, a christian, trying to tell someone about God, but never having felt the fullness of God at all.

If i were a psychologist or psychiatrist hearing of his problems, WITHOUT having developed a friendship, it wouldn't have such an impact on me.
When he shares his load, i can feel the burden transferring over to me as well.
I know it should not have this kind of negative effect on me, but it is happening. Am feeling down already.

Was i put in this position for a reason? Well, i believe things don't happen coincidentally.
In addition to the problems, we had an argument. Things are just so complicated.
Just two weeks ago, i was carefree with no notion of someone so in need of help.
This day, i suddenly feel as if i have some responsibility to bear.

HOW CAN I HELP?
He jolly well knows i can't help him, says no one can... and staunchly says not even God can. It hurts to hear the whole thing.

It is tragic that on this Earth, some people just have to endure so much pain and loss.
His spirit is just so worn and tattered from all the stones and barbed ammunition that is constantly being lobbed at him.

I want to just push him away. Push him away so that i needn't feel sad. Push him away so that there's one less worry in life.
But even an idiot would know that that is a selfish, abhorrent thing to do.

But if i were to stick with it, i pray... I really PRAY that GOD would help me endure through it.
It is sucking the life out of me.

I know the real person in need here, is X.

God Help. God, PLEASE Help.

Theoretically, i know God never forsakes his children. But ever felt so far from God?

Perhaps my emotions are getting the better of me.
I should learn to be stronger. Both in mind and in emotion.
Learn to know what should bother me and what should not.
Learn how to partition feelings and thoughts from what's at hand.

Turmoil.

Turmoil.

Turmoil.

Heart is aching.

Before i ramble.
Happy Good Friday to ALL.

The day where we remember that God came down as a man, Jesus Christ, to take up the world's sins upon himself and die in our place.
We deserved to die. But no.
To Sin is Death, but God loved the world that he gave his own son to die on the cross for sinners like us.
For us to reconcile with God, we must come to Jesus.
We believe not by emotions, but by faith, we believe.

To God be all the Glory.

*** ***
I will not hesitate to say that my grammar has gone down the toilet hole.

Maybe i should fabricate an imaginary friend.

*** ***

I don't know if i should be thankful or mutter.

Ever since that day my family had that Penang Hawker Fair thing at York Hotel, i've been dreaming of yummiliciously tasty prawn mee and palatable oyster omelette.

Have always liked prawn mee but never was too much of a fan of the oyster omelette.
But that dinner changed the latter.

Everything blended together making it taste just... Exquisite.
Note: I'm no food critic. I just like what i like.

I have re-acknowledged the presence of one store at clementi.
I will go and treat myself one of these days...

I've not been to any other place with prawn mee as good as that.
If anything, i've not had prawn mee anywhere.
WOULD ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND (GOOD) PRAWN MEE?
PRAY, PLEASE tell me...

*** ***

It is never safe to go for outdoor archery anymore these days.
I would say that the weather is unpredictable. But, that is... wrongish because most of the time, it rains.

I think the right word is "fickle". Yes, FICKLE.

I can't tell what season it is anymore. It just does what it likes. It's either my mind has deteriorated into a 12 year old's and i can't seem to distinguish anything, or the environment has really been screwed to the point of no regularity.

*** ***

Speaking about my mind. Have noticed that it has gone fuzzy and blurry.
It is as if the unconscious has been working... well, unconsciously behind my... (back?) mind such that when i encounter a problem, my mind REFUSES to think and analyse.
It just REFUSES... like a stubborn donkey.

When i try to think, only fragments of coherent thought would pierce through the fuzz and mist in my mind.
Then soon after, rubbishy memories will start entering my head and then i'll begin to daydream.

It is as if my mind is going right about bonkers. IS MY BRAIN ROTTING???

Only short flows of proper thought will come and then it'll be interrupted shortly.

My spelling ability has also gone down. My ability to analyse has gone down. My attention span is... 35% efficient.
At this point, i am VERY VERY VERY tempted to say something mean.

Anyway, a friend recently told me: "It seems you need to get angry. It's only then that you'll see things through entirely.
So, is my mission to piss you off?"
*sniggers*

*** ***

This is my blog and i am entitled to say what i want.

How it is perceived will be the reader's choice.
Mean, sarcastic, pointless, illogical, one-sided, whatever...

I'm just not being true to myself. Why should i bother whether or not i will get stoned over the net on my own blog.

Joline has a mean streak in her but because of one incident in her life, it made her change a little.
It was once "mean" and "true"/ "partly true" / "not true".

Now, meanness is restricted to, "mean but TRUE".
Think Simon Cowell.
The "mean but TRUE" comments are the only mean things i dare to say to people.

Some people just don't get it and mistake my complete honesty as being mean.
Think Simon Cowell again.

I'm contemplating spewing all things mean. Whatever the permutation.
Why should i mince my words?
Because this is a public diary?
(rhetorical question)

I want to swear freely but i know that i shouldn't.
Not just because it is ugly to see on screen, but it also reflects an ugly side i'd rather not let loose.
As a learning Christian, there're things you just have to abstain from.

Swearing can successfully give angst.

Of course one can wrestle with words in an intelligent manner to give the same angst.
Perhaps swearing is just a shortcut.

*** ***
Ah, evil twin sister is up and about again.
She decided to come out for a bit to stretch.
*** ***

Maybe it's because both she and i are cheesed that we might not be going to the range this weekend.

The compound bow wasn't suitable.

Draw length was too short.

Actually, most of the "unsuitability" can be adjusted.

The poundage was 39 pounds me thinks. I couldn't pull it past 3 inches maybe?
I was like: Freeeeaaakkk!!! *pant, pant*

Gah.

I've not been told anything. Not even to call Simon.

Bah.

Alwyn:
YERSH!!! Technology is a biggy. Look at swimming.
Spending 1-2k is a lot...
Because i'm looking at it from the view of someone who doesn't have that much disposable money.
But we agree though that when you want something, you'd pay.
Not to say there's no sweat, but to us, it is well worth it.
So, what did you buy?

I'm up to my throat with school work.

So much to do.

*runs around screaming and tossing papers in the air*

Pleased. *grin*

Well, well, well...

Did i say that while i was out at school on thursday, my parents were having a discussion on Jo and archery.

While talking to my dad a while ago, Simon called to tell me to come down to the range tomorrow afternoon.
Jo thinks: My Pleasure!
(you see, my official basic lessons are over. I'll be glad for any chance to go down.)

So now, i've to sign on as a member because it is against the law to own (in future) equipment without having the proper license.

WHOOPEE.

He asked a previous SEA Games archer if she would like to sell her bow to me. I'm supposedly going to have to check it out tomorrow.

My dad seems ok now with the idea of me buying a bow.
I offered to pay for part of it.
We have agreed on it being 50-50.

I have been saving up for a long time... To spend it in a flash is going to hurt.
But hey.
I'm willing to spend it because i am SO sure i want it.

Usually when Jo's sure, Jo IS SURE.
Gut, Heart, Soul feeling, SURE.

Which is why, i am hardly sure about a lot of things.
Go Figure.

*******

The worst part though, is that my MOM wants to come with me to the range tomorrow.

I am not sure if it is going to be WORSE than having Simon breathing down my neck.

One thing is for sure.
I'm going to get a lot of pressure to perform because this is going to be the first time my mom sees me shoot.
Most probably so, my performance will be reported to my dad.

GAh...
I'm only 50% ok with 20-25m. (with the recurve bow)
Hopefully the lady, i think her name is Rachel, will be there so i can try her compound bow.

Wookay.
Better start psyching myself up already. This will be good practice then.

Alwyn:
I will be mindful about that. I know i can trust you on it, you're a great mentor!
Thank you loads. :-)
Affirmative. The Best is Yet to Be!

There.

Alwyn:
Your advice and encouragement never fails to perk me up and think on a different level... and it usually comes at a good time too! (your other personal entries as well!)
Just want to thank you lots. I always appreciate the comments you leave here.
I am close to putting myself in a strait-jacket for blogging again. But this, i could not help.
By no means have i read this before till a few minutes ago.
Inspiration.

Just Go For It

Archery provided the surprise of the 2003 SEA Games when Albert Loh clinched a silver medal. While congratulations poured in, many people did not realise that this young man's success has been possible only because of his refusal to give up despite the odds against him. The former Institute of Technical Education student chased his dream and overcame financial constraints and the lack of public interest in his sport. "At the end of the day, you need to believe what you are doing and just go for it," he says.

(from the Team Singapore Website, http://www.teamsingapore.com.sg/main/detail.jsp?a_id=4729&type=1&cat=2)

It feels kind of nice that this young man and i seem to share the exact same thoughts, even in words.


Huimin:
Sorry girl, this was too much of a lure.
In the spirit of gratitude, just want to thank you loads for your comments! Nice to see you drop by now and then.
Hope your erm... two essays didn't suck the life out of you.

Muddled

Pretty much explains my state of mind.

Been waking up to pretty looking mornings having no drive whatsoever to accomplish my work which has been nagging at me for a while.
I wouldn't say it's piling up as yet. But i do know that if i continue like this, it WILL.

Hitting a plateau maybe?

Hopefully this entry will be short.

I've recently begun doing my quiet time in the mornings instead of at night before i sleep.
Why didn't i do this long before.
I am usually too tired out at night that i fall asleep while praying.

What better way to start the day. Start it off with a talk with my one Creator and Heavenly Father. He's the utmost head of everything in my life.
It only makes sense.

As Christians, we have these few sides or rather, that influence that taunts us continuously.
Sometimes we might seem to feel that picking up the Bible is such a chore.
But i know that my soul enjoys basking with, and in the Lord, no matter what S.A. Tan tries to do to tell me otherwise.

Sing His Praises and Thank the Lord.
Keep mind focused on God.
The devil hates it.

*******

Well.

I've called Simon.

THANK GOD.
God has been so gracious. Yesterday morning, i just prayed that whatever will be spoken about would be favourable... But of course, keeping God's plan/will in mind as well.

And YES.

Was asked: So how should it go from here? Are you interested to further this?

I was SOO afraid he was merely going to tell me the procedures of gaining membership.
But no, he was posing the offer to me about the training team.

Conclusion this far:

I am still unsure, afraid, freaked, worried, about how this's all going to turn out.
The new team people i've to meet, the politics (possibly), the training...
Most of all, MY PARENTS.

The next step is getting me a compound bow.
A brand new one is 2 GRAND. Yes, $2K.

But Simon will be looking out for a second hand one.
The tricky part here is that compound bows are CUSTOMIZED to the archer.
You can't use mine, i can't use yours.

I've spoken to my mom. She's very concerned about my studies.
My dad?
Sceptical as usual.
Made a remark that pierced me.
In times like that, i am determined to prove it to him.
Just like i did not long ago.

I remember how sceptical he was when i said i wanted to do something for the Republic. That was just after our fun shooting stint at SAFRA.

I guess i felt i wasn't going to be tied down and away from my aspirations. And so i just went ahead and paid for my own lessons.
Here i am.

Not trying to boast or sound like an arrogant big shot.

The point i'm making here is:
When you believe in and want something, go for it. When you feel something seems right, don't be afraid. Don't allow yourself to be shot and brought down therefore, discouraged.

**********

I had an experience like this in secondary school.

Our military band was having our annual band camp and during some interaction time, i must've said something to one of my juniors about A Math that one band teacher in charge didn't quite agree with.

That night, she singled me out for a scolding. Using reasons like the above and other stuff.
I knew (at that time) that i did nothing wrong and well... i let my bullheadedness stick with me throughout.

The thing that has stuck with me till this day was this remark she said repeatedly in my face:

"Next year (referring to when i'll be in sec 4 with the stress and all), I WON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HANG YOURSELF."

How's that for a teacher?
She must've been hysterical with anger.

In the end, i did well for my 'O's.
Too bad she quit from our school before the 'O' Level results came out for my batch.

She would have had to eat her own words. And that ugly handbag.

***********

Yup, so don't be discouraged.

Maybe sometimes, people DO have a point when they say something negative because they can see that perhaps after all, you may not have the potential to go far.
Which is why sometimes, you've got to use your gut feeling.

Am not saying this is definitive as things can change like the wind.

Nevertheless.
You DO get my drift.

So much for a short entry.