*blinking my crusty eyelids*

It's only been the second day of work (full day) and i'm feeling the sad reality of what it's going to be like when i'm working for real, for the next 40 years of my existence. Oh, i'm working for a week, normal office hours, because i'm standing in for my colleague who's away.

I'm tired, and i've got to ensure that i rest early to get my good solid hours of sleep. One of the things that piss me off greatly is when i don't get enough sleep before something important the next day. Especially if the activity i have the next day isn't exactly something i do for leisure.

I now understand what it means to say "think happy thoughts, happy thoughts!". I've been doing that since last week to prepare myself mentally for this week. Squelching ANY bad thoughts and emotions, and replacing them blindly with every good thought i can muster to allow myself to be swallowed up by positivity. No space for feelings of dread and boredom!

But i thank God that i've been kept really busy these past two days. It helps make time feel as if its ticking on by real quick. Strangely, i enjoy rushing something (a document, presentation, assignment, etc) when the minutes seem like seconds before closing time.

I've been planning my weeks ahead, jotting down my schedule for december till about march. It's not complete but it'll fill up in time. I had promised myself that i would have a week for myself... But that has yet to come to past. Wish i had some time for solitude. To feel the expanse of space for my mind to expand and my being to just fully de-tense. But it's just been so busy.

So yeah, here's just my little wee update about nothing much, very simply written.

Anyway, my Miss Brunei is back for two weeks and it was so nice to be with her over last weekend. Ah, the late night girly talks with her and M was engaging and the time spent with them helped me understand some things better. We don't spend much time outside cell group time like this, and I wish we could have more talks like these, without worrying about the day after and other responsibilities and concerns.

Got to go, or i'll be digging my own grave. Good night.

I love and speak fondly of this school as much as i make mean jokes about it.
(HAHAHA, ok, weird comment but the honest truth nonetheless.) With a final video sweep that i made of the compound, i bid thee farewell. GMSS will be merging with Jin Tai Secondary and the new building will be located at West Coast.

You cannot imagine the amount of memories i have from spending 4 years of my early teenage life in this school. At every turn and corner, there will be a story to tell, a cue for a multitude of memories of what was done and felt in the past.

One of the saddest bits was not being able to access the band room, but i guess seeing my seniors and taking pictures with whoever we could "collect" was worth it.

People with whom i barely spoke with when i was still schooling there suddenly turned into buddies, as we smiled and greeted one another and caught up with the current ongoings. I noticed quite a lot of people from my batch as well as the ones who are at least 3 to 4 years my senior. And there were the hardcore ones, those who were students during the, 1970s and 1980s!

I kid you not.

Anyway, i just got back home from GMSS after an eventful morning and it's pouring, i'm hungry, and i've got to get ready for church now. Man, i owe lotsa people photos. Teehee. Don't worry guys! I've gotten everything downloaded and they'll be coming your way soon. ;-D

P.S.: Thanks Azlan, Jennifer, Daryl and Sijin for spending some time to yak with me, and much thanks to the other guys as well for just being that smiley, friendly enveloping bunch of friends that you are. You guys have a place in my heart even though we hardly see one another. I'm awfully proud of you ok!

some random pictures taken over this year

After sending my phone in for repair at a building opposite IMM, i decided to entertain myself with yet another "got-a-slight-inkling-but-don't-really-know-where-but-i'll-just-go-and-see-how" exploit.
So i took a short park connector walk and came face to face with an old railway track cum BRIDGE across a wide, wide canal. I could see the canal water moving in strong currents beneath me between the wooden planks as i carefully made my way across the bridge under the hot afternoon sun.


Ah, here we can see the old railway track cum bridge. Did you know that at one point, i totally had NO RAILINGS to hold on to for a couple of metres... It was darn scary can? Felt like i was doing a tightrope without a net underneath me.









Just an ordinary bicycle hor.













Eh, don't play play k. It is mercedes one hor.


















I first time see mercedes bicycle. I also wan.



















Wot's that? *peers at the sign on the scaffolding*


















Well, we all knew that, right. Yep. Anger is a dangerous thing.

My exam paper is done with. Don't get me started on what went wrong... I feel rotten but there's nothing else i can do except pray that it will not be as bad as i think it may be and it'll just be according to God's will for me.

Don't laugh, but i kinda feel a bit like a popped pimple right now. All the tension that was stored up over the semester and more so during the exam period has been released suddenly, which has ultimately left me feeling a little sore (in my head) and in raw shock. As much as it is pleasant that the holis are here, i'm still dazed and not quite adjusted to the fact that i'm now officially free till Jan/Feb.

That's how hard i've been working this semester, and i'm not afraid to admit it.

Still, freedom is sweet and i'm going to just lie back and savour my well earned rest.

There're a gabillion things to do! But i'm first going to spend some time with myself, in the quiet as well as in the storm of my own thoughts. I haven't been able to just be still, to have no worries and concerns at the back of my mind, to just be able to lie a little longer in bed without feeling a sense of urgency and desperation to begin the day early to accomplish undone school work.

I need a little time to collect my thoughts, collate all the things that i need and want to do both for others and myself. I'm looking forward to the busy schedule ahead, but before that kickstarts, let me drag my feet a little first won't you.

Which reminds me... Standard Chartered quarter marathon training is in order, and dang, i need to lose (more?) weight for close friend's wedding next year. I don't want to look like a ba zhang in pictures and I'm pretty sure they don't allow black dresses (to hide my flab) on bridesmaids. Boooo. :-(

It's a funky 2:52am now. About time to retune my sleeping patterns as well. Anyway, Ambrose if you're reading this, i'm gonna poke you soon.

Good night ya'll~.

It's that time of the year again. Yeah, the exam period. *snigger* If you didn't get it, it's ok. Lame, and wasn't all that funny.

Anyway, i'm feeling that same old "can't finish studying everything i need to. HOW?!" and i'll step into the exam hall with not much else apart from my pencil case, jacket, watch, water bottle and PLENTY OF HOPE FOR A MIRACLE. And hope, to continue hoping.

Nothing much to say, and i'd rather not spend time blogging too much at the mo. More when everything's over.

One thing's for sure: I need some alone time with myself to think after my exams, spending time with the company of myself. And sleep. Which goes without saying, really.

Drained: Mentally and emotionally, but not spiritually. Kind of in denial too. Close to giving up and not giving it my all, although i know that my being a stickler for perfection will not allow that.

Heeeeeeelllllllpppppppppp..........................................
.... mugging close to 10 hours a day is not fun.

*

Grandpa (from Malaysia) has moved on. And i can't even remember the last time i exchanged words with him or seen him in person.

My system is reeling. Head's giddy. My ears are hearing the world, muffled, by the temporary loss of the ability to pick up certain frequencies. The roots of my teeth are aching.

First it was the electric guitar. We all had to yell for the volume to be turned down. Then the drumset took over the electric guit.

I felt as though my ears were about to burst and bleed.

I had ear plugs on whenever i could use them which was really good, but had to remove them now and then to know what i was playing. (them change of keys! Rah...) And i really got killed man, i tell you. It's no fun standing next a highly utilized drumset in a sound proof room.

Feeling a bit ill now. :o(

***

I really wonder what goes on deep in the recesses of my grey matter. It's quite a wonder how that squishy bulby lump of pulp we call a brain is pretty much the mastermind of most of our functions. Some say our existence transcends that of the physical but that's another debate and discussion altogether.

So i would very much like to know what my brain does when i'm asleep, because for some unfathomable reason it has a tendency to make me dream of people who are no longer in my life. (as in, those who aren't actively interacting with me presently)

Recently, i dreamt of... meh. The-one-before. And the odd thing is that i don't think of the said person often. This isn't the first time of course, and in each dream, it's always like we're back as friends, on talking terms (we're not, at the moment), and friends who are well aware of the history we had before. It's all very strange. I'd be able to see his face very clearly, and the conversations we'd have are always logical, i.e. very undreamlike. So real at times, that i can even hear his voice, true to the genuine thing.

Then there's another person, our previous domestic helper who left due to very troubling circumstances. Every time i dream about her, it's always the same story: She returns to our home and wants to work for us again. Despite the problems that revealed themselves when she took off which left our family in shock, we'd always take her back in. And every time in my dream i would tell her, "You know, in my dreams, i've always dreamt that you'll come back."
And while i look at her as she sits speechless but glad to be back in her room, i inwardly feel as though everything is as it should be.

A dream in a dream, where in my dream i talk about my dream.

random

I got this off Nat's blog, it's funneh! I like the way the Japanese made fun of their iconic export. Check out this Nike advert.

***

$240 for a gym membership at ACJC for two years... with an additional $20 for processing fee. It sounds almost perfect until you do the math.

$10 per month. Now if i were to go to a Clubfit 4 times a month, it would cost me the same. Thing is, do i go to a Clubfit 4 times a week? No. So what makes me think that i'll go down to ACJC that many times as well? (given both the nearest Clubfit and ACJC gym is just one bus ride away)

The only thing about ACJC is that, i get to once again be in the familiar surroundings of my alma mata. I get to use the track and pool, in addition to the gym of course. I can also... pretend to be a student! I've always harboured thoughts of doing that. One day.... Eh, i still look 17 or 18 k? More importantly, my uniform still fits. *smug*ahem*

***

A person i recently got to know in class, after hearing me talk for a bit, said: "Hey, do you sing? After listening to you, i think i can imagine you sing. I think jazz. You've got a low voice. Yeah, maybe jazz."

I was stunned. Not only do i avoid singing to people other than myself (solitude lends me confidence, yo. hur.), it's also a long standing piece of information i tell everyone because it's the truth: That i don't sing. I croak.

And if i'm not croaking, i'm probably trying hard to hit higher notes and killing my brain in the process from the lack of oxygen.

While i might make noises that somewhat resembles the sound of singing, like a cross between whining and a trundling diesel lorry, everyone (my poor cell group) would probably be dying from the awful tone of my voice because i don't have strong or velvety vocals. (neither do any of my family members. hur hur.)

So, obviously, i'm no singa.

This weekend was sweet, because i knew my heavenly daddy has been speaking to me, assuring me of his promises despite some personal issues, through some people over the last two days during cell group and service.

And what he's been saying is gently probing me in my current state of inertia and lukewarmness. Not that i feel disconnected or disappointed in God, but rather it's me who's decided to not call him as often and so it's a bit like:
"Hi dad, yes, good morning, thanks for the new day! I love it, thanks for the food, i know you're here with me..." And that's it. No communion time.

So yes, because of this "distance" i created, i recently have felt as though it's obvious that God wouldn't want to care too much about me or assure me anymore of his love and forgiveness, especially when i have faltered here and there.
But of course that is rubbersquash because he lives for this very reason: To give hope, love, life and acceptance to all sinners who come to him.

As you can see, it's quite nonsensical to think that he wouldn't accept me (or anyone else for that matter) anymore, because it's his very perfect nature to receive and love the broken.

(Excuse me while i laugh at my silliness and enjoy my epiphany. Teehee.)

***

Very briefly, during cell group worship time, a word was released that God is there to and will forgive those of us who have sinned and all we needed to do is just lay them down and let him do the rest. It was as though it was the most important word for the night. And well, it was the only one that night during worship.

Just before that word was given, right where i was, i was reminded of some things, and that i was sinner... And deep down inside my heart and mind, i needed to know that God will forgive and has forgiven me. Yeah, so i felt really blessed and i smiled to myself, thinking "Thank You Lord". :-)

Topic for cell that night was on "Love".

*

Lo and behold, very much of what was stressed during worship time during service and before the communion took place was "Love". O.O

We were told to pair up with someone and think about the first thing/ask God for something that represents Love. (which very coincidentally was not similar but pretty much close to what we did during cell the previus night)

A few things and objects ran through my mind. Pretty cliche stuff, but then i recalled a friend telling me how the "home cooked meal" that she gets to eat is like an expression of love by the person who prepared the food. Somehow, this concept stuck quite strongly and i thought, "Ok, this will be it."

I shared this with my impromptu partner, P.
(Note: P is someone i know by name, but not very well.)

Why did you pick "Home cooked meal?" P inquired of me. I thought she was asking because it sounded quite absurd. (it did, to me at least)

"Well, because... The food that's prepared is like someone preparing it out of love and care... And the meal brings people together so that they can come together to fellowship and bond."
("Family that eats together stays together".)

To tell you the truth, i was close to bursting into tears. I felt my throat tighten, my voice crack and waver and felt tears welling up in my eyes. Good thing i was done before the niagara falls opened shop.

Usually when that happens (overwhelming urge to cry, not just tearing, while talking), i surprise even myself. It's as if i can't even anticipate how i'm going to react and that the way i react is way out of my control. I mean, usually you would be able to acknowledge that you feel a certain emotion before reacting. Eg. Anger before losing your temper, Sadness and Hurt before crying.

When i was done, P said, "Very strange that you said 'home cooked meal', because... (then she tells me about a certain family member.)"

Wow. I'm blown away. :-) Like, what seemed like a random thought (though it did stick once i thought of it) was applicable to her personally. Not so random after all. *knowing smile*

Her image for me was of a ring, adorned with a ruby that signified "precious" and a diamond that meant "committment". In God's eyes, i'm precious and his love is unconditional and everlasting. :-)

Usually when the neighbours have guests, i'd still let Jed be, that is: run around and bark as he pleases, because i know that he'd eventually calm down from his security guard antics and settle down to sleep in one of our rooms.

Today the neighbour's daughter has some friend (friends?) over and because of the frequent ins and outs, i decided keeping Jed behind a door inside the guest room to keep him from barking was a good idea to save both the neighbours and my ears from rupturing.

Ironically as i'm studying, Jed's silent behind the door and the neighbour and her friends... Well let me put it this way. If i didn't know any better, i'd have thought that they were practising some kind of post Halloween rituals on one another.

Can you blame me? They're talking so loudly at a constant level, oh and throw in some tragically high volume punctuating yells, raucous laughter, shrieks and bloodcurdling screams. It's quite fascinating, really.

If only i could tape down their contributions to the noise sound waves so you could hear.

I'm not complaining though, it's not often that my neighbour has her girly get togethers, and those are just pure fun. Bloodcurdling screams and all.

Er... I should know.

Jem and Joy did this, and since i never really do memes i'll try one for fun.

1) How old do you wish you were?
40 and being a great mom.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At my computer doing goodness knows what.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Prod endlessly at the coin return till something happens. If not, put in another coin if i'm feeling rich and adventurous or do nothing and walk away muttering.

4) Do you count yourself kind?
Not always.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my right upper arm, and work those muscles yo!

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish, Mandarin, some dialect and some other non-word i.e sound based ones. Oh, it didn't say "languageS". ok, fine. i think Japanese will be it.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
Sort of. More of the granny than anyone else. She never fails to ask if i've eaten dinner yet. :-)

8) What do you consider a vacation?
When i get undisturbed stretches of time to do whatever i please at my own time and pace.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
I read for fun then forget it a second later.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
*drums fingers* Move my stuff from the chair so he can sit?

11) Are you touchy feely?
Not really, but i try when i know that it may convey comfort or friendliness to someone.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Bleah these general questions that put my simple brain into overdrive! I'm attracted to both nice perfume and gross century eggs. How?

13) Dream job?
Observe people, think and comment, and drink cool drinks and eat steak at a roadside cafe. Hey, you never said i couldn't get paid to do that.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
Animal Planet. But i don't usually watch tv anyways unless there's something on that i like.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
The dog run, have my cell mates come over to my home, or somewhere where i can go sky gazing.

16) Showers or Baths?
Both leh.

17) Do you paint your nails?
When i feel like it, which is rare.

18) Do you trust people easily?
No.

19) What are your phobias?
Having a policeman call to say that there's been an identified body...

20) Do you want kids?
Oh yes. But i'll need to look at a catalogue first.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Essential stuff!

22) Where would you rather be right now?
At home eating oyster omelette with chilli. Dang, i'm salivating now.

23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
That welsh corgi puppy i saw on cuteoverload. After feeling warm and fuzzy, i wanted to just squeeze the little chap to death.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
Heavy. Very. Heavy.

25) Are you paranoid?
Yes.

26) Are you impatient?
Yuh man!

27) Who can you relate to?
Sister, Gem. And other folks who think nothing about times when i need pee, excrete, fart or burp.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Perfectly fine and dandy.

29) Have you been burned by love?
Think it wasn't really love.

30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
...

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
"Ding, dong, ding! You have a call!"

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Essaying. Hum dee hum.

33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
Something rather pious sounding leh.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My beanie bag!

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
White with the text "EA Play" on it. I like it for some weird reason.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and i fell asleep. B-(

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Bacteria, facial oil and glasses.

38) What color are your bed sheets?
while with flowers. EW. I would like to hop down to IKEA for some funkier ones.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
I not rich lah... 10 buckeroos and spare change.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Wing and chest!

41) What's your favorite town/city?
Haven't travelled enough to have a favourite. If you must know, it's gotta be somewhere with open skies and beaches.

42) I can't wait till...
Er, i might scare you all off with this one...

43) What did you have for dinner last night?
Rice boiled by me that went ALL wrong (think "kuey-like" chewy rice), steamed egg, broccoli and chicken.

44) How tall are you barefoot?
1.59cm. But people say i look taller than that le, does that count? *hopeful*

45) Do you own a gun?
Nope, but i do have a compound bow. I miss shooting outdoors.

46) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
I is Milo person.

47) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Er, Singapore. Yuh.

48) Last thing you ate?
Salad.

49) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Prolly some worship song or whatever's playing on the media player, usually Corrinne May.

50) Last thing that made you laugh?
"The archers are winning" (the thing i think gem was describing that was causing the sharp pain in my chest)

51) Worst injury you've ever had?
Can't think of any but there's a funny one:
The time when an almost full glass bottle of ribena syrup fell onto my toe, and a guy friend thought that my toe turned purple because of the syrup colouring and not because of the impact. D'oh!

52) Does someone have a crush on you?
Keanu Reeves? Is it Keanu Reeves?! If so, then I'LL MOVE FOR YOU!!!! (question 10)
Just kidding my gem...

53) What's your favorite candy?
Eh, don't eat much of that stuff. Kinder Bueno rocks though. ;-)

54) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Actually, i want a party to be held when i die. So, anything that's not sad.

55) Five random people to do this! and why?
I too lazy to think le, anyone who thinks they've got time on their hands. And tell me once it's done!!!