Thursday, October 19, 2006

I decided to take a look at my collection of drafts and i was quite taken aback to discover that my own voice was shushed by my own censorship board, resulting in drafts written and stashed away in cold storage for as long as 2 years.

For the fun of it, i shall pluck some of them out (never before published), modify it here and there and publish them. I kinda wash my hands off some of these old posts' stances because they were written at a time when the mind was going through a different stage altogether.

***

20th May, 2005.

It feels a little strange. Ok fine, i agree that even the plainest, most OBVIOUS things in life amaze me. And to everyone else, it's: duh.

It makes me feel oddish inside how when a universe constructed by two people in love can become utterly and completely shattered and destroyed. And then comes along the next significant other who you begin to build a new universe with.

You know... how a "universe" can be so self sufficient, with everything you could need and want inside it. But when the time comes when it becomes dissipated molecules, everything special you had with the person "no longer exists". Meaning, it should exist only as memories/lessons/etc, but it shouldn't be something you dwell and harp on emotionally and psychologically like it is all you ever know or think about or live for. Neither should it be the place where you run back to to seek solace. It is no more, we live in the present, so get a grip.

And when a new person steps in, it feels as if the newcomer is intruding into that shattered universe, looking around and picking up the pieces and trying to fix it together, but infusing a whole new twist to it. Personalized to create something new, and "adulterated", although that really IS a normal next thing to happen.
But it feels like, "snatching". You know... like something bad.

Feels as if you're doing a very nasty injustice to the other party of the shattered universe.

But i'm just saying. So yeah.

11 comments:

lakeside girl said...

I'm kinda "guilty" of that too.

My hoard of drafts, my collection of unspoken thoughts. Someday when i find my security in the Lord, i'll learn how to wear my heart on my sleeve and publish them, one by one.

But Jo, i always appreciate the glimpse to your soul through this blog space.

joline said...

lakeside girl:

*hug* I don't know about you, but surely there're some things that even after being resolved and having healed from them, it is not necessary to publish them?

*bows* honoured to be even considered worth a second look.

mimosa said...

A very very apt description of that whole experience of breaking up and starting over again.

joline said...

mimosa:

Yeah... It's a little sadness-inducing too especially when an individual thinks through it and feels all its implicated meanings. Yet at the same time it's a fascinating and utterly normal process of being in and out of relationships.

The thing to be mindful of (i've learnt) is to deal with the old baggages before stepping into a new universe.

Jem said...

Wah... from me first glance. Morbid... Scary way of putting things! I agree with dealing with old baggages first =D It can really solve alot of problems.

*waves* - No tagboard... so I'llw ave here =D

joline said...

Jem:

Before, i say anything, Happy Belated Birthday! :-) Sure hope that you had a blast and enjoyed your time with all the important people in your life!

Heh, yeah lor. I'm going to ignore that there is a lack of a tagboard for now.

*morbid grin* Yes... er well, i'm a bit of a morbid character. At least in my thoughts, yes siree. I blame those remnant influences i assimilated from my teenage days. Hur.

Yeap. It's true isn't it... Which is why i sincerely respect those people who, though long for a relationship, restrain themselves from having one till they know that the baggages have been thrown out. That way, they are ready to face the new challenges with mature insights, rather than fight through them with a clogged and confused mind and heart. It's showing some level of "responsibility" for both parties, i guess.

ambrose said...

i contributed to yur teenage life! urm... does that make me a morbid-inducing agent? MuaHaha -,-'"
oi jo... can't wait for exams to end.. reading this post... makes me wanna start another fight w u again. Muahaha!! =p
i thought a dinner was enough. make it lunch too now -BLEAH!-

Jem said...

righto~ B'day's not around for another 2 weeks =D

morbid? You can't be morbid... cos I am! There can only be ONE! Technically I should only say that after slicing off your head...? but we're civilised people. Go get a new tagboard or smth like that lah~ then I can drop of random gestures =Þ

Ambrose, you are incapable of inducing anything negative... if anything, it'd be making people screwed up with you and your MS...

joline said...

Ambrose:

Yeah lor. You made me learn how to appreciate lame jokes. :-( *snigger*snort*

OEI! Fight what fight eh? You want an epic war huh, starting from lunch? Make sure it's a saturday... so after lunch we later go to church for youth service and then forgive one another.

Jem:

W.H.O.O.P.S. *pai seh* Ok, i'll save my well wishes for the real thing. :oX

Heh, heh. We seem to be happy being known as people of the morbid circle. For the tagboard... think a new one will be up maybe next week.

jem said...

*taps foot* waiting on you =D

joline said...

Jem:

I will deliver! Haik!