Wednesday, October 03, 2007

there are rosy and not so rosy times

Long ago and not too long ago, every time she raises her voice, begins to sound unreasonable, or has a tinge of accusation/highstrung-ness in her voice, or gets annoying in any way, i respond just as hot temperedly like a knee jerk reaction. I had no patience to tolerate what i perceived as nonsense. I would rise to challenge her and an argument would ensue.

These days, whenever she gets into one of those moments, i feel like my world suddenly slows down, my heart beat slows down, my breath gets even. It's not that my brain does not begin shooting out lots of lines to retort back. It does. But i feel my decision making (temporal lobe?) kicking in. And my response? I either dismiss it silently and keep quiet, or, answer what needs to be answered in an even or an emotionless tone.

Life is a lot more peaceful when you choose your battles.

But for him, it's different. It might not be the case on his side, but to me, he always seems to be challenging me. Always being critical, quick to judge. Finding loopholes, rarely encouraging. He makes me feel ignorant, stupid, and youthful in a bad way (as in, "you young people don't know much").

And it hurts. This time, things can swing in two directions. We either have a debate, albeit slightly heated, or, we'd have an argument. These days, the debate happens more often because i try really hard to control my nerves before the situation escalates.

As a kid, i used to marvel at how patient he would be... How he takes a while before he gets agitated, and i always felt safe having him like that. In the recent years though, things have changed. He gets irritated more easily and shows it. I didn't used to be as scared/cautious around him as i am now. He's no monster of course. It's just a change in the dynamics that i've noticed.

No comments: