Monday, March 03, 2008

These gnawing negative feelings inside me refuse to go away. They are resisting and are resistant. It's as if i've forgotten how to be happy anymore with the one person i should be happy with. If only something could be done to change history, or that if the person could just do/say/admit SOMETHING, so that my heart would stop feeling so heavy with hurt. But i can't even think of anything that can be done, because, the damage has already been done and exposed, and all that SEEMS to be possible, is for time and common sense to sink in. And for forgiveness to be given. But i can't. Not yet. I'm still angry, i'm still hurt, i'm still SO FREAKING PISSED with males.

You should have seen the way i was scowling the other day. People on the streets were taking second looks at me, and i suspect that i was scowling way too hard for a normal human being.

There is no peace in my heart and although i am functioning as per normal, i know that at the back of my mind, there is unresolved business that can't be resolved immediately, and there is hate and bitterness swirling about.

I've been trying to think logically and rationally. Trying to piece together the facts and trying to place myself in the person's shoes. Trying to be an understanding person. But nothing seems to help. I'm so consumed by disappointment, anger, disgust, hate, hurt, that my reasoning has become hazy. It's as if the only emotions i can feel for men right now are all these.

I feel like i need to walk away.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

heyyy... totally understand what you are thinking. haha. i'm like-minded.

van

jun said...

love you jojo. jed does toooooo. (:

Ambrose said...

Love, In All Aspects
you know, there're many different ways people care for one another. some are over-protective: they impose strict guidelines upon you, fearing that in the event you cross those invisible boundaries, you'll hurt yourself. some believe in freedom: "if you love somebody, you gotta let him/her go; and if he/she returns someday, he/she'll be yours." aside from that cliche explanation, freedom means allowing a person room to express themselves, and yet ever patiently offering themselves as sanctuary whenever that person runs into trouble. Anger: if you care soooo much for a person, you may get sooo angry with that person.. coz you care. anger, however, can be addictive. "anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering".
and many more. love comes in many forms, aspects shapes. but true love are always the same regardless of aspects.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. ..."
1Cor13:4-8.

There is no perfection in humanity. Hope is your guiding light that leads you out of imperfection. Faith is the fuel that drives you onwards in your quest. But love, oh ever so important love, love is the oil between the gears, the negotiator in a tiff, the sandpaper that smoothens the rough edges, that polishes the gem. Love.. completes.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1Cor13:13

I love, I hate, I anger, I remember, I am human. I forgive, I love, I care, I sympathise, I am human.
We are human, either way we choose. Choices: that's what makes us human.

*hugs*
Ambrose

joline said...

van::

so we must pull through together too!

jun:

*beams* thanks jun.
and yeah, these are the times when i gaze at Jed and wished that he could live long enough to marry me.

ambrose:

sigh. so cheem. ok, i read over again. :-)
ok, kidding. thanks bro.

Anonymous said...

i always believe tat love is not a feeling, it is an action. If u love someone, u not only feel for tat person, u want to do sth to make him happy. "all hearts get broken at some time, but it makes us stronger'. maybe it is time to let go of your anger. if u cant stop getting angry, then let go.

joline said...

anon:

yeap. i agree.

Ambrose said...

i beg to differ! about the technicalities of love that is.
love propagates action. one cannot equate love, an emotion, to an act. rather, think of love as fuel, and action the vehicle of expression.
to love with inaction is still love. eg the girl you love is happy with your best friend. you love her so much, n your best friend as well, that you do nothing, but wish the best for them.
the definition that love is an action is grounded by the fact that action expresses love in a very direct n tangible form. but love is never a tangible thing to contend with.
consider God. like God, love is intangible. you can't see it, but you know it's there.
like God, you can see it at work through the things happening around you eg your mother waking up earlier just to make you toast for breakfast.
if you say love, but your words are not grounded in love, then your words are empty. as with empty words, no actions will back them up, hence the correlational link between action and love.

sincere apologies, but had debates about love in CG, so it's fun to share some of my perspective and insights with... everyone! ^^

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
1Cor13:1-3

Love is also not quantifiable. It is self-subjecting, but it is not comparable. you can measure love from within, but you cannot compare love between others.
ie. i can say i love something more than something else, however hard or contextual my comparison may be, BUT i cannot say the same if i were to compare my love for something with someone else's love for that same thing.
Love, therefore, is one of those things, like justice, loyalty, and courage, which cannot be measured; which are abstract, and always contentious in the eyes of men (and women.. zzz), for we all bear different scales of measurement. That's what makes us unique. That's what makes each and every one of us special. :)

Anonymous said...

love is an action. it is the action of feeling fond of him/her.u know? heh heh