I was going through my drawer today to get rid of the papery mess that sometimes makes looking for documents a pain, and i came across some really disturbing things i wrote back in primary school.
For a kid with a relatively good childhood (i think), with a loving family and er, was the school bully *gulp* rather than the victim (i'm so sorry for what i did back then), i was a kid full of angst. We're talking about primary school here, hello? What on EARTH was eating at me back then? I think i was probably too influenced by the books i was reading then, one of which was "The Outsiders".
There are and will always be times when i will wonder and wish i had the opportunity to see myself from another person's physical eyes and intellectual point of view. How do others see me, versus the person that i think i am? Given, each person probably has a modified version of who joline is, but still, i'd like to know. What is it that comes to their minds when they see me approaching? Do they experience dread? Yuck-ness? Happiness? Oh-it's-her-er..,-ok-just-be-nice-and-civil-to-her?
Do people really like me for who i am?
I look at myself and see so few attractive points that i always wonder why and how i have friends.
I remember that back in secondary school, a friend told me: "XXX says that you're the bitchiest RGPS girl (in Ghim Moh Secondary School)". I didn't understand why XXX would say that of me, because i never did anything to her and if anything, i usually stayed away from her and her gang most of the time because i knew i didn't fit in with that clique.
Perhaps i will never know the full story, whether it was borne of adolescent childishness or was it really the case that i was actually such an (fill in unsavoury noun).
For all i know, she could be right.
My digging unearthed this msn conversation i had with a friend sometime, i think... last year. Here's a little bit of history in some history:
J: I used to see you as the joker...
S: Hah and you were the ice queen?
J: ME? Ice Queen? *chuckle* Really ah. How was i like back then? I remember myself being referred to as the "bitchiest RGPS girl" *chuckle* I do admit i could've been quite a bitch.
S: hmm.. no u werent. if being smarter and more articulate was wat being a bitch meant back then.. then u were..
S: woah i'd have loved to be a bitch back then too.. cos tt's how i saw you.. i mean.. not the bitch part..
S: Although i did remember someone once say that it takes persistence to warm your frozen heart.. i dont remember who..
J: *suddenly sits up*
S: cos you were a softie nevertheless... well that's what he/she said..
J: How was i an ice queen?
S: u came off as well fierce and cold.. but i didnt see that eventually..
S: i mean... once i got to know you, it was totally different..
S: there stood a smart, articulate, sporty person.. and u always knew when to do what.. hah... u were more than able at being a lady.
S: a strong willed lady might i add..
J: Goodness, you put me in such good lighting. Though i don't feel worthy of it.
S: Hah.. i never quite saw anything wrong.. Sometimes i worried that i wasn't smart enough to be in your presence.. hahaha..
J: Goodness.. i never meant to make anyone or you feel that way.
How subjective, all this human experience is.
To my Gem who's been working hard through day and through night, through the harsh sun's heat and the rain's cool showers, through flu and sleepiness and all... I just want to reiterate the fact and truth that you do not labour alone. Going through this time with you, is your bestest friend and Creator Father, Saviour and Counselor. Don't give up! Every hour, minute and second that you've got is precious now.
If anything, let the pressure churn out from you a work that speaks the truth in all its illustrative glory... For His Glory.