Friday, February 04, 2005

The moments after...


I've NEVER HAD SUCH motivation to buy tickets for a concert that takes place at the Esplanade apart from band performances by alma mata ACJC.


*** ***

Hearing a simulated version of how it sounds like from a mortal mouth, i think i can imagine how God aka Jesus might say it and how much He must love me.

And it warms my heart and pricks (sometimes devours) my consciousness, that someone so divine, so brilliant, so perfect, so spotless and clean, so pure...
Could look at me and think no evil thoughts of me but can only love a sinner that is so imperfect, so foul, so filthy.

We hear the "God Loves You" phrase so often that it becomes so hackeyed and it so quickly loses its spiritual touch of reality, it becomes auto-textbook, just-microsoft-text-words knowledge.

Can we say it with tears of gratitude in out hearts, spirits and eyes?

I have to admit that more often than so, it's merely a 3 worded phrase to me.

But then at times, i feel as though my mind is brought to a different level and i see the hugeness of God and that He really does have such an omnipotent presence and a vast unlimited capacity to embrace every single living thing that exists.

It doesn't matter whether WHO we are, or WHAT you have done.

When Jesus was on Earth as a man, he mixed around with the lowest of society, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the adultress, all the very people we'd get (a bit?) uncomfortable around. The sick in the mind, the leprosy ridden, the lame, the blind...
Liars. At some point, we all do lie right?

Despite all that. He loves you and His heart aches for you to know Him.

We wouldn't need God if we were all perfect.

For Him to be your Father.
A Father to those whose Earthly daddy no longer lives, or to be a Father to those whose daddy who is incapable of being one, or to be a Father to those whose daddys have gone off astray.

*** ***

Because i am not that, oh-i-neeeeeeed-you-every-moment sort of person, i find it hard to fathom why some people think about their significant others something like, every second, or well, almost every second of the day.

My sister and i were just talking about how we aren't the kind of girls who need to meet the boyfriend (in this case, a very fictional character for the both of us at this point) often within a week, or even spend long hours together in a day.

As for questioning the girls' point of view, we were wondering whether it is due to a to need to feel identification by virtue of "i am so-and-so's girlfriend".

Or is it just plain neediness. "I feel lonely without you by my side... I need your company, without you i feel empty. Your presence is what i need!!!!!!"
(this is not in said in a general sense which is about when man finds woman. It's about the physical company.)

This, i just cannot fathom.

I can understand the "i love your company" bit, but it is only till there that i can identify.
But i don't get it when one has to feel like one has to spend every spare moment with the other.

Even if i do have feelings for or love someone, i definitely won't want to see him everyday, every moment, hear from him every hour...

It only serves to make me feel caged, watched, stifled.
Sometimes it might feel like i'm being put on a pedestral... Which honestly can be nice sometimes but if too often, will make me feel like conking the guy on the head to knock him out for a bit, while i go take a breather.

Makes me want to go run across the open grasslands of England, skydive or something, ya know?

As for the guys' side, what do you think? How do you feel about this?
If you are the type who needs your girlfriend's company (or imagine one up) every chance you get, why's that so?

My sister says that next time, i am going to have to work out some schedule or timetable with my husband.

*** ***

Now that it's time for me to mug, i am wondering if i put too much stress on myself, which is one reason why i think i don't do as well as i hope for, despite putting so much effort into my work.

I always try to read up as much as i can beforehand by beating the schedule, try to do my assignments before they are due, get worried, slightly frustrated and guilty when i am not being productive.

Are these signs of some sort of workaholic disorder or somesuch.

Other times, I get stressed and i wonder if it's because,

1. the amount of work i put in is too much. OR,
2. i am doing too little and because of my inability to achieve as much, i find that i feel incapable of being as smart as i wish i could be.


I wonder if i take parental expectations a little too far, maybe even to the point of distortion? (ok, that's an iffy)
Such that i think i'm creating my own problems to weigh me down.


I love what i'm studying, but i hate all the reading that has to be done.
Maybe i shouldn't stick around at home. It's not a healthy place to be.

You don't want to create negative contingents.
Reading=don't like=bad emotions
Home=bad emotions, so,
Home=Bad emotions=unhappy and unhealthy.

Eeek, did i just type that out! ARGH! Manifestation! NO! CANNOT, must psycho self positively.

Okok, out.

Till Then.
*Stop obsessing jo. And you're not going to feel happy if you don't hit the gym like, NOW.*

No comments: