i don't know why. i'm beginning this year with very strange negative vibes and feelings. it's as if, i'm angry at something, angry with a group of people, just plain angry at everything. it's making me just want to retreat to a very faraway place, to just communicate at the minimum level with people. although i know that that would make me feel lonely after a while. but still.
i also get this feeling of intense dissatisfaction. i don't know if this is because i've been away and i've seen another side to life. i wonder if other travellers feel the same way too.
it's feelings that come from knowing that there is so much more to life out there than here in Sg. The market here is so small, our daily occurrences are so small in comparison to what's happening out there. Basically, perspectives are so limited here.
You have to FIGHT for what you want to do. It seems like such a tough and unforgiving kind of society. Or, seems so. Life here seems to be about neverending striving, pace of life keeps you stressed and wanting to keep up to par with everyone and with expectations of society, of yourself and others. It's all about the doing, doing, doing, doing.
I know how Jonah from the bible feels. Knowing God's calling but wanting to run away from it. Running in the opposite direction, far far away. While Jonah knew God was calling, I have simply forgotten. I find myself wondering: did God really call me into this field of work? I can't remember.
Where has my heart gone, Lord? I feel it hiding underneath so much disappointment, angst and dissatisfaction. Can you revive it Lord, like, genuinely revive my heart? I feel so dead.