Thursday, April 08, 2010

to know life, is to know death

Strange urge to share this, and i posted it as a note on fb too:

Had my last class in NIE yesterday night. I returned home feeling as if part of my life got cut off suddenly with no closure. There were short farewells, and then the rapid disappearances of people i know and have journeyed with for two years, but suddenly feel so distanced from. I guess everyone was tired and itching to get home to rest and/or complete the assignments before the deadlines.

We usually close our last lesson with food and drinks, but somehow, we seemed to have lost the enthusiasm for such things.

I miss school life suddenly, now that i've had my last official lesson in NIE. And I realize that i want to treasure every last moment as a student for the next 6 months and not hurry the process.

Now i understand, just in part, of what it means to live life intentionally once you've understood what "the end" means. Coincidentally, this is linked to my last presentation for my module, which also happens to be my last presentation in NIE ever, which was on multicultural counselling for death and bereavement issues.

I started out my course knowing that it was going to be tough, and it was. I struggled and complained. But now I want to savour and grasp every last experience of what it means to be a student. That means, doing my assignments with relish, doing my dissertation with my utmost effort and interest, but yet also feeling the emotions of frustration and pressure, with appreciation and thankfulness instead of dread.

I will stop saying that i want to get out of school and get to work, because I don't know when's the next time i'll ever step into school as a student. Another Masters? PhD? Only God knows. I pretty much don't see the point unless i'll get to do hands on training/practice or if i'm making an actual contribution to something or someone.

Earlier would have been nice, but I'm glad these feelings came now and no later than this.

This concept probably isn't new to you, but i guess i just wanted to share these personal thoughts from my experience.

Life doesn't "begin", or get "happier" or "easier" after a (tough) phase or journey is over. Because there will always be new milestones and new phases, Life therefore happens every second. It is how i let my heart and mind perceive my experiences and what meaning i make and attach to every passing moment that gives life, Life.

8 comments:

zzen said...

haiz...joline, i truly undstd hw u feel, cos my classes are ending real soon....i want to shout:I MISS SCHOOL AND ALL MY CLASSMATES!!!! u knw wat i mean rite? i need a closure, a get together and hug n cry with all my frends for all tat we been thru....SOBZZZZZ

Anonymous said...

congratulations :) you have made it this far.

joline said...

zzen:

totally! organize a dinner with them? I was thinking of doing that with my classmates when our assignments are done and handed in.

anon:

hey, thanks. :) yup, it's been quite an experience. and more things to come!

Anonymous said...

dinner always end up talking to those sitting ard us, the rest nv mingle leh....haiz. i just miss my class alot la....even now with april here,i realised my cos is ending real soon!gonna miss them so much

zzen said...

even though i feel like sleeping in my law of contract classes, (wich is every week 3 days in 1st2 week of may) i still feel without my classes and my lively classmates, i will be so bored. now i m beginning to tink i wont enjoy after exams free time cos no class=no fun.sianz leh.....jo.....how...can we study infinitely? dun end classes la....

Lucille said...

Joline...
I'm telling you from my experience, as well as experiences from others...you don't have to think so far ahead. The things that we plan for our lives, will not (sometimes, usually) turn out the way we planned it to.

What ever you are doing now, just do it diligently. God will settle the rest of the stuff.

After going through school, all the frustrations, anger, whatever grades I got, average or not, I don't really recall what I've learnt.

But still I would still gladly take this path though, if I'm going to live my life all over again. It is training ground for greater things in life. Training ground for your character and mind.

So, even if you're suffering in school now, just remember,treat it as training ground for greater things in life... :)

Everyday is like a new adventure. There will always be peaks and valleys in life. No matter what happens, how bad, how happy it was, everyone of us have passed through that journey.

What matters at the end of the day, is still the love we have with God, our family and friends...:)

Joline said...

Lucille:

that's what this whole post is about.

Lucille said...

Haha ok...I didn't really see that message thru the post..:)