If my current life could be summarized into a song title, it would be: What the @#$%.

Not only is my workload crazy, if that isn't bad enough, my personal life has to take a beating as well.

Yeah. What the @#$%, is a good song title.

Am i mad at God? No. Am i still dependent on God and trusting in Him? You bet. In fact, God is all the more important to me now than ever before. He is the only one i trust. Because humans can be so damn heinous.

But right now... God is out of the picture. My head and heart is just simply swimming in anger and sadness and i think the amount of poison being generated inside me right now can kill off a few hundred rats.

I need counselling. Pronto.

I want to run away. From school, work. Life.
Just make me freaking disappear.

I feel like crying when i think about my workload.

Does anybody hear me?

a huge part of my schooling life involved around playing in concert/military bands... as i'm listening to persis overture, and gloriosa, i am hit by such a longing to be part of a band once again, playing the alto saxophone as part of a contributing sound to the overall band sound.

gosh.

i miss, like crazy, those days. where can i look for a good and established adult band that won't be THAT particular about whether you'd be a liability in terms of technique and skill, but will just be a group of people who play well and also just want to play because, MUSIC is BEAUTIFUL. Period.

Ho hum.

I think i'm going to sign up for the 10km New Balance Real Run but not the Standard Chartered run.

Tradeelala.

There are times when i'm walking along the street and i think about the amount of work piled up and when i realized how much uncertainty i am facing, how many loose ends i have and tend to forget to address, i begin to visualize myself in my room trying to get an opportunity to cry my eyes out.

I am so stressed.

But when i get home, i am seized by duty and responsibility. I do what i need to. But it doesn't mean it's all ok. I still drag all the frustration about with me at my heels.

Sometimes i just need to let out the frustration to start on a cleaner slate.

Today i came face to face again with something that i wish i did not have to face anymore. But life never says that things are forbidden to go on repeat.

This brings me once again to the often said, corny statements: "Lift it up to God, He'll take care of it.", and, "Don't focus on your problems, focus on God".

Maybe it was easier to do that in the past when some of the problems were "smaller", or more temporary.

But some problems are just... you know. Pervasive. It eats into your personal space. It has slid into and invaded your emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological life. Your EVERYTHING. It LIVES with you. It EATS with you. It WALKS with you. It SLEEPS with you. It's a LONG TERM issue. Not something that would resolve in a few days, with a few prayers here and there, or a few months and then people stop asking how you're doing. No.

We're talking about years.

It's like if a loved one has a terminal disease. If a loved one is living an alternative lifestyle, or a life on the edge. If a husband/wife abuses, or has cheated. If a loved one went missing overseas and there is no news of his or her existence. The future of a loved one with special needs. Suffering the pain of having BEEN abused, abandoned, rejected. There are many other issues that people face. You get the drift.

Because of the problem that just chose to lift its ugly head, though I know all the "good Christian" theories, I am now finding it to be of utmost difficulty to separate the act of focusing on God and lifting it to Him, from, denial. That is, choosing to not look at the problem. Trying to push the worry and pain away. Believing it will somehow. Just. All. Go. Away.

I still tag this as Walking with Jesus, and not Walking away from Jesus, because this IS the process of walking through difficult life lessons with Jesus even when I DON'T KNOW HOW. I can't run away from Jesus just because shit happens.

Like what Jess said on sat which i believe with my heart was a fantastic and true comeback to her friend's statement:

Friend: I'm not a Christian anymore because shit happens.
Jess: Shit happens, that's why, I am a Christian.

This is life and this is starkly real. I don't know how to live like i should. So I learn. I cry. I crawl. I get abrasions along the way. I am stunned, feeling weary, stuck in my thoughts and feelings. And I don't know how to continue this post anymore because i am at a loss for words.

I just know that there is only one way up... I sigh as I say this because i am so human... The one way up is, to pray.

Praying is but merely an action. Anyone can pray. The problems may remain for a while to come, but knowing who i talk to is what brings me to a better state of mind and heart.

i can't stop me

Just when i told van, myself 2 weeks ago and over dinner to joy and denise that i was going to give my knees a break , i was once again bitten by the running bug. Argh. I can't seem to stop myself. Talk about a love/hate relationship with running, a la New Balance advert.

So when i got home from cell group, instead of doing my paperwork, i took out my running gear, went running and got home around 12ish am.

Surprisingly, despite having taken a break from running (though i still did some brisk walking) my body felt lighter than i've ever felt in a long time, and my breathing came clear and easy. I also found that i could keep running, as long as i took it at an easy pace which given was slower than my usual pace that's done along the canal. Still, the physical difference i felt was a 180degree change from when i was actually training purposefully and regularly a few weeks ago. How odd.

A big part of the reason why i took off running at a weird hour (other than that i was hoping to find my mates at holland v) was because of defiance. I told myself that the reason why my knees were feeling weird lately was because i WASN'T running (as opposed to what most people would say... that it is stiff from having injured them so much). Maybe i'm in denial but i really felt like the stiffness was because i wasn't using them.

Well, my knee joints were kind of tender when i got home... There is pain only if i place weight on it without using my quads to support the knee cap area or if i twist it in a funny way. Did some strengthening exercises and stretching. I wouldn't say all is fine and dandy... Looks like glucosamine is going to be part of my regular diet.

I guess i enjoyed my run also because i chose to go off the canal with the marked distance, and instead allowed my body and mind decide how far i wanted to go. So, there was no pressure to finish a certain distance by whatever time, and there were no expectations of how much distance i should cover.

It was just me, my asics (am still not a convert though), the road and feeling light and free.

I digress... When i think about my asics, it reminds me of that funny trip to running lab where i got them. The sales guy and i were talking a whole lot about running while waiting for me (i took 2 HOURS to decide) to choose a pair of shoes from 4 pairs that he recommended to me. And after i paid and left, it was gem who showed me what was typed and printed at the end of the receipt. Sales guy had typed at the bottom: "Really cute smile! =)" No wonder he seemed to be taking longer than usual to process my purchase. Teehee.

It's amazing how close minded/tunnel visioned/under exposed/etc some pastors can be.

Case 1:
"Secondary school kids having sex? No lah! So young, how can they be having sex?"

*ROLLS EYES*

Case 2:
"You don't know about the 3 Ss? How long have you been a Christian? Usually if you've been a Christian for a long time, you would know."
(3 Ss refers to self governing, self sufficient, self ...., it's one of the terms used in the misson field in a particular country)

HELLO?! Not everyone is exposed to missionary work terms ok? How can people equate the length of one's walk as a Christian to whether the person knows about some specialized jargon used. Ridiculous conclusion.

And these are pastors in the age range of 50ish. Embarrassing.

Feel like screaming.

Suicide assessment.
Bookmark verses.
Devotionals.
Report writing.
Journal writing.
Closing cases.
Research.
School assignments now beginning.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO STRESSED OUT. STOP GIVING ME THINGS TO DO!

Update 2: I is going to paste triangle on zee car window. And face the temptation of driving around the carpark on my own. Heh. I feel so handicapped not being able to park properly now that i have no poles to help me do things mechanically. Oh well. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Update 1: PASSED. With 12 demerit points. Hurhur. And i got to drive my folks around the carpark at home.... but boy, parking is a #$&#%&##@(#!!!!!!
(no more poles! Dangit!)

***

I want to pass my driving test, i want to pass my test!

(sing song to the tune of "I want to ride my bicycle!" by Queen. I think it's a pretty odd song, but anyway.)

I happened to find this photo of gem from long ago... HAHA. So cute right. I asked for permission leh! He says it was due to the post lunch slump... (i think his branch mates took the photo and added the effects. hurhurhur.) Can you find/see the little stick men?

it's not for us to fight the fire, but the fire (God!) who fights for us!

I'm getting old, man.

Went for The Fire Fight's Album Launch concert, where we had to stand for an hour. I got a backache after that (but the rest of my friends didn't). Fail.

(The Fire Fight is a local, indie band made up of a group of young chaps who love music and are using their music to reach an audience for a bigger life purpose.)

I really enjoyed the music (though i was as stiff as a BBQ skewer) and saw the boys enjoying themselves on stage as well. They were telling a simple but true story of a bear named Henri. But really, the "bear" represents us living today and the story that unfolded was the story of how when we were woo-ed by the devil who lured us into loving the material things of the world but getting burnt in the process, God pursues us, back into his loving arms, back home again.

The boys deserve thumps on their backs!

It was quite funny how the name most heard last night was Jon's because he's a friend of ours, and a couple of us were getting high and it was hilarious what being high does to you. And... quite a number of the audience were from the same place *ahem* as i, and boy, if we wanted to, we could've started a praise and worship session. Haha...

Well done Fire Fight. I know this is your ministry, and I pray that God will continue to partner with you guys to speak the same loving message of God to those who need it, in the language that they know and understand, and find meaning in.