Friday, November 04, 2005

It was a huge hurricane. The diameter of it made no mistake with its message to anyone who sees it: That you're going to die.

And that's what someone told me: "We're going to get fragmantalized." But strangely, he said it with a grim smile on his face. Maybe that's because we knew that if we do die, we'll still see one another, but just in another dimension.

As a group of us lay down together, closing our eyes tightly, praying silently, we waited for death. "God, please make it a fast one." I uttered, to the agreement of the others around me. I was prepared to be flung around and shredded into a million ribbons by broken debris, for all i wanted was a death that was fast and with little suffering.

But oddly, as the hurricane howled through the building we were in, nothing happened, and we opened our eyes to find each of us all in one piece.

*

On the streets, we ran helter skelter and I held Jed tightly in my arms after finding him alone and lost a little earlier. I saw the hurricane coming and i knew i wanted to die. And yes, dumb as it sounds, i stood in its way, waiting to be buried by the huge amount of sand and debris that it was carrying. The force of it hit me and buried us, but rats, under all that, i was still alive and breathing. I hadn't died yet! I managed to clamber out from my failed sandy grave but to my horror, found that Jed was injured on one of his forelegs and was limping.

And that point, i turned to my dad who also managed to climb out from the debris and i asked him: Dad, should i let Jed go? (meaning: should i leave him because we couldn't afford to nurse him in such a crisis)

In that moment of anguish, i knew i had to let him go and i began to cry.

I opened my eyes to see my partially dark room, as daylight snuck in. And true enough, i awoke to a stuffy nose and hot tears springing from both my eyes and felt them stream liberally down my face.

*** ***

I told you i was morbid.

Anyway, i let mom in on this dream i had the night before and she brought up the article written about a prediction that someone made about Singapore and Malaysia getting hit by a tsunami too.
It doesn't do much to comfort me to know that this same person had also predicted the Thailand tsunami.

I have very mixed feelings and questions about this. Ranging from:

- How big would the tsunami be? How far in would it reach?
- How prepared is Singapore? In terms of taking the predictions seriously and in terms of infrastructure?
- Will telecommunications hold? How can we reach our loved ones after the crisis has struck?
- How much time do we have left, IF it happens?
- Can i handle seeing death strewn all over the land?
- How can i reach out to my friends in Christ's love? I cannot bear the thought of losing them.
- how prepared AM I? (mentally, emotionally and spiritually?)

I have no reason to worry about myself, because i know who and where my faith is placed in. Though I fear death in the sense that i fear what happens when i my biological heart stops:
- What does the spirit do when it no longer resides in my body? Does it like, get sucked out into some much-spoken-about dark tunnel?
- What would i be able to see? How would i feel? Would i be able to feel anything?

Apart from that, it's really the people around me that i worry for. About losing them, or seeing them suffer, held captive, tethering between the living world and the dead.

Worse, losing them for all eternity to the one of this world.

As it is even without some natural disaster, other disasters are already taking place and there is so much to be done for others. Broken families, torn relationships, even those under stress at work or at school, wounded souls and hearts, lost, angry people, people in dire straits but still trying to find something to hang on to, to survive.

But what am i doing? I am so ashamed of myself, for i am just merely sitting back, looking concerned, feeling sympathic, but not moving in prayer and offering some practical help out of love. Such insane hypocrisy on my part.

*** ***

I write this not to dishearten or to implant seeds of fear, but i write this as a reminder that there is a world out there, outside of our own little bubble of both pleasures and struggles, that implores and begs for help and healing. And we the ones who can, to some degree, give it, should, in whatever ways that we can.

In this borrowed time that we've been spending with our various chases, it is still possible to pour out compassion and to lend a hand, with no strings attached and to give freely without boundaries, from our hearts.

It is so easy to talk passionately about helping but it's such a huge challenge, even a barrier, for a hard and prideful hearted person like me to walk the talk. God, i need a heart that is softer, humble, not afraid to look stupid. A heart that is genuine, and not self seeking. A heart that bleeds for others, and not for myself.

I smile when i see some of my friends... For there is a glow about them that is indescribably beautiful. It is the kind of beauty that does not fade and age with wrinkles and does not depend an ounce on physical looks. But it's a beauty that arises from taking God, His ways and His heart, seriously. With that kind of devotion to reverence, this beauty is everlasting.

And so... I shall end this by saying something rather anticlimax lah, but i really mean it:

Kudos to those who have been and are taking active steps to love those within their reach, be it friends, family members and even strangers. The Lord knows your heart and sees your every deed.

2 comments:

weirong said...

Sat's sermon certainly ties-in with what you've written here(somewhat prophetic i must say!)..

Perhaps your vivid dream was inspired by higher-powers who're prompting you to reach out? Stirring-up a deep-compassion you've held within yourself that's yearning to be expressed-outwardly..

Let us pray on it and share our blessings by spreading God's love.
:o)

joline said...

Weirong:

Strange sometimes, how it happens. And it ain't the first time too, methinks.

"The world needs love.... That's the only thing, that there's just too little of."