Sunday, December 06, 2009

i don't get why the Jet allows the keypad to pop up when i select the field to type in my blog title, but it doesn't let the keypad pop up when i want to enter in an entry in the type-a-post field. touch screen phones. bleargh.

a trip to nie recently shot and blew up my holiday dreams to smithereens. my holiday dreams meaning just 4 weeks of peace, without having to think about work and school.

the good thing was that i managed to tie up the loose ends of one of the major problems i was facing academically, but in the meeting, i was also told that i needed to catch up with the others in dealing with my dissertation/thesis. i told my lecturer honestly that i was so worn out, so tired. i haven't had a break since the beginning of the year, and the stresses of school has taken a toll on me. i'm the not the only one, apparently. my classmates feel the same way. they're feeling more tired than before in this semester that just passed by. and of course, there was the major family issue that erupted in may, that killed my june break AND the peace of mind that i needed to face my practicum (which also started in may, so, no break either).

i actually cried in her office that day. i usually try my best to control myself in front of strangers but i didn't this time. i almost cried in front of my boss at work too when i told her that i had a family crisis and couldn't handle certain things.

i had hoped that i could breathe easier for these few puny weeks in december before school starts again in january. i find that this whole year, my stress levels have been kept at above the normal average levels and sometimes peaking at maximum or close to maximum. i marvel at the fact that i have not yet sprouted out white hair, which i did in JC... oh yes, i DID in JC. gosh.

and so when i finally settled some issue with the lecturer, she dropped the bomb that i still had to do readings for my dissertation and get some writings done because submission next year will be close and i will have my practicum to settle still, AND plus one more academic module. Ok, doesn't sound that bad in number, but finishing the practicum hours are very draining. So, to add a module PLUS carrying out a research and doing research paper writing, is just... monkey.

yet. one thing that took the heat off is that my thesis isn't meant to be a groundshaker, it's just suppose to give me an experience of carrying out a research. my heart slightly lifted when i heard that. lowered expectations is good. i just find it curious that they don't expect more out of masters students.

now as i'm writing this, i'm considering if i should take one more semester to finish this course off (ie, stay in NIE for one more year, versus the 6 months that i have now), or should i stick to my guns, feel the stress build up but finish along with everyone else. I'm thinking about my health, my sanity. My IBS problem started when i was doing my undergraduate studies, and back then, it was worse. Now, it's better but it still occurs. i prefer my stress related health issues to stop at IBS, thankyouverymuch. Through my practicum, i've seen how stress can really cause havoc in a person. It's quite crazy, what it does. I don't want that to happen to me.

i'm just glad that my topic for my thesis interests me. it's on fatherhood (prayed about it), but i don't know how i'm going to develop that into anything just yet.

i guess... i'm going to have to let my interest take me through and God handle the nitty gritty.

and then there is the question of whether i should spend the time left on myself, or spend it on others. that is, leading a group at a youth camp. i'm like... argh. i. need. time. for. myself. i don't know. quandary.

i think i may take up my lecturer's suggestion of taking a break. not some shopping break, not a break that would require moving around and doing things, but something that would allow me to SLOW DOWN to a STOP. to cease the erratic running around and frenzied thoughts that worry me all the time, take some time to chill, reflect, change my mindset on things, so that i can move ahead with a positive mind frame. i don't know what that may be because it's a bit late to go booking for holidays.

so, ambrose, you're right. i NEED TO DO SOMETHING, which is about doing NOTHING. Or, close to nothing.

maybe a trip to sentosa, a short stay at a cheap hotel there. near the beach. i do so miss the beach. then again. where's the money going to come from??? gagh... maybe home will have to do.


chillz said...

if it is really unbearable, yesh u shud take a break, as in graduating 1 yr later rather than 6 mths.but can u bear it? graduating later than ur frends? haiz. so sad to see u so stressed leh. tink abt it. see someone or talk to someone professionally.

joline said...


i was hoping that airing it on my blog would help. sometimes, i feel better by letting off the stress here... yup. :) thanks for your ready concern always dear. :)

well, i was thinking, can i take graduating later? i think so. but since i do want to get out of school soon, maybe biting the bullet is the way to go. will try to snatch good breaks now and then in december.

zzz said...

airing here is temp relief only leh. u need professional help. haiz. i know therapy is expensive. maybe u can call some gd samaritans or sth.

Anonymous said...

me me me! (Know what I am referring to?) Oh man I just realised I am very outdated on happenings in my dear friend's life and hence the stopping by here. Let's spend some good time together, just the 2 of us, just to talk - which is better for you - Dec or Jan? - Liting

joline said...


hey liting! yes, i know what you are referring to... gosh. yes, we NEED to meet up, just u and me to talk. dec is good! i really miss the times when we were in JC and saw one another everyday. will msg you about our date!

joline said...


some things are settled here, while yeah, some pain and anger cannot be relieved here. oh well... haha, looks like Liting has volunteered herself. how sweet! :D