Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I recently told a youth pastor that, "it is ridiculous that i am in counselling (a counselling student). It is ridiculous!" At that, he laughed heartily for the first time in our conversation, only after a good solid 1 hour or so of sharing.

So i shared with him about my fear(s) and why i thought it was utterly ridiculous, and we talked a bit about the prayer he said over me before and what God had told me through him. He was the same pastor who prayed about:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

At that time, this pastor did not know me well and neither did he know that i was a counselling student.

Further into the discussion, he had let on that part of the reason as to why he wanted to catch up with me was because when he went back home that day (the day when he prayed for me) and he felt that God was saying to him, "that He (God) will groom me into someone i never thought/imagine that i would be".

(this is a very real concern for me... because who i am now does not match with who i think i should be or who i would like to be. and in view of my career choice, who i am is a huge factor.)

With that, all the memories of previous messages (all the same in meaning) from God spoken through different people in my life at different times flashed in my mind, and i was like... GOD! I'M WAITING! I WISH I COULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, NOOOOW!!!

When i showed my pastor my incredulous face coupled with my incredulous situation, he said with a broad smile, "You must be on the right path. Because God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." (that's from 1 Cor 1: 27)

(The rest of the verse:

"... God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
(and now the important part...)
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God - that is - our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore it is written: 'Let him who boasts boasts in the Lord'")

Honestly. I'm beginning to feel the heat in class, now that we are kickstarting the role play. Role playing is when we team up with 2 or more other classmates and we take turns to learn to be the therapist and client(s). Also, there is the co-facilitation of a support group.

I totally suck at it right now because i constantly am at a lost of what to ask my "client", my mind blanks out and freezes with despair when my client gives me a certain look or when i run out of things to say, or when i ask a question and realise that it is irrelevant. I often feel that my classmates do not benefit from me being a "stumbling block" (but only for now, NOT in future!!!!) and i feel so bad about it.

I am also beginning to see more conflicts happening in class, between classmates. Sometimes i may be a part of it and it's a sad and demoralising feeling to be on guard all the time. My class size is so small (at its smallest, there are only 5 students, and at its largest, 11 students) that word passes around very quickly.

What's more, let me tell you that working with adults as a young, bright eyed and bushy tailed noob is rather tricky. They are ultra sensitive to dynamics, classroom climate, the very subtle and underlying meanings that lie beaneath simple sounding words of other people. Nothing is as it SEEMS on the surface.

Because the training puts me in a really difficult position as an untried counsellor/therapist, the mistakes that i make are constant and so the feelings of disappointment and me having to berate myself happens all the time.

I'm beginning to see how though i know many things in theory, putting it into practice stumps me completely. I think i know many things, but i fail to deliver. I'm really at Ground Zero, crawling around on all fours trying to find a way of how to get onto my two feet.

Did i also mention? I am the youngest in class and the only one with no formal revelant experience. In terms of maturity/age and work experience, i am the least advantaged.

As you can already tell, the odds are huge... Where I am now, and the place where God is encouraging me with seems like a lifetime apart. The only thing that is keeping me assured and focused on my choice of career is the consistent assurance from Father God that i'm doing the right thing.

But i know that this is part of my moulding process and i have to go through with it despite it being painful... Being pressured and squished into a nice shape at the end of the day.

And really, that makes me confident (though still trembling in my shoes) enough to keep moving on, because of the knowledge that God has already paved the way for me and is cheering for me by the sidelines and at the finishing line.

6 comments:

Zz said...

does it matter? when i was in training, i also nt the sayang dt lor.they cry i let them cry.it may matter to u now, but in real actual life,when u start working, issit really a very impt aspect?as soon as u start working, it will be a different picture.

joline said...

zz:

i don't understand. what do you mean by "issit really a very impt aspect" and "it will be a different picture"? What is?

zz said...

my concerns with dealing with children nv becum true. sch is very theory leh. work is very practical leh. my difficulties i thot i will faced in work, all nv come true at all....

joline said...

zz:

So what were your concerns when you were still in school?

Yeah, school is very theory, which is why doing the practical stuff in the real working world is very daunting for me. Hopefully it won't be as bad as i think although my lecturers very honestly tell us that people's problems can be like a soap opera man.

Peace said...

are u going to deal real patients soon for your practicum?

joline said...

Peace:

uh huh. pretty soon. :o)

(by the way, may i know who you are? :o))