Thursday, June 21, 2007

Have you ever felt God's love/touch so strongly that when it came on you, it shocked you and made you cry uncontrollably? It's not a bad kind of crying, but it comes because of an unexplainable filling of the spirit that just overwhelms you.

Last saturday, my band mates and i were praying in the room upstairs before service, and i just felt in my spirit that i had to kneel before the Lord in surrender. In just that period of worship and prayer, i have come to more clearly understand what it means to "focus on God", to "surrender", to "worship".

As i knelt behind the keyboard, i put aside everything in my mind and chose to not believe in the devil's lies about me being worthless and unloved. Instead, i chose to believe that i was a child of God, sinful, but still loved wholly, precious and thought about fondly by my Father. I chose to believe in that identity, that though i am not perfect, i can come to God knowing that i am accepted, and not condemned in his sight, that i have every right to come before God as a child would to her daddy.

Sitting still, i realized that i was actually opening my heart to God (an action i never quite understood... am still unclear but i am learning along the way), making it receptive to what he wants to deposit into my heart. I focused on the Lord, and very naturally worshipping him deep in my spirit. Sometimes words cannot express how much you want to say, that's why speaking in tongues is so important.

That's when i felt something unexplainable fill my heart and tears just spilled out. If i weren't with like, 15 other people in the room, i wouldn't have dammed up my tears. I felt like God was revealing his heart for me, to me. The intensity of it was strong enough to actually surprise me out of my worshipping and i sat there reflecting on what i just experienced... And also because i didn't want to flood the floor...

And so here i am, blogging this to remind myself of the milestones in my walk with God. I just love thinking back on the precious times when God reveals himself to me and in doing so, teaches me about how it is like to be with him. In future, what i know can also be used to plant something into someone else. I've had the privilege of being able to do this and it really edifies me to know that someone else benefits. :-)

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

tats touching....

joline said...

anon:

=) I guess it comes out naturally from the heart when God does something personal and wonderful. =D

petit rose said...

now that u've blogged about it, it made more sense when I think about past few experiences of uncontrollable crying. It felt like something taking over me and just can't stop crying, but enjoying the feeling of lightness in the heart afterwards.

joline said...

petite rose:

So funny, but so nice right. :-)

Anonymous said...

are u sure? I feel so bad after crying, wat with the blocked nose and the red eyes and ugly face in the mirror. Oh i hate it. why not laugh instead? but then agn, i doubt u can laugh in some sad instances.shoots.dun cry! if u can help it.bless u

Anonymous said...

there is this chinese song that says crying makes one see clearer.cry if u must, laugh when u shud.

joline said...

anon:

no lah. like i said... this kind of crying isn't the bad kind of crying and it can't really be controlled. you're not sad at all! It's the kind of crying that comes when you are moved and touched.

besides, red eyes and stuffy nose always clear up after a while anyway.

Anonymous said...

i dun feel good after crying leh...but really seldom touched until cry. I frustrated until feel like crying got leh. those kids lah, drive me nuts.

joline said...

anon:

*sayang*

petit rose said...

I wish I could experience that kind of crying again, haha. It's been a long time...

joline said...

petite rose:

:-) i'm sure our Father is waiting for you to open your heart to him too! :-) God always wants to have an intimate relationship with us.