Friday, December 26, 2008

It's kinda sad for me to learn that while i might think that someone is my good friend, the other person may not think i am theirs. It's not because i do bad things... The Reason: Because i don't share much about myself, while they tell me a lot of stuff.

Two people (and maybe more people out there) have told me this recently and it made me think about the way i handle conversations. I tend to be the question asker, the one who listens and never talks much about the self. Most of the time, people open up and pour out stuff and i listen and offer some words or some advice.

I think there are a couple of salient reasons why i don't talk about myself.

Firstly, have you ever been in the presence of people who talk non-stop about themselves? You know those types, like whenever you tell them something you did, or something you thought about, or just anything about yourself, they go something like, "Yeah, yeah... *half interested look* i know what you mean, you know ah, i also.....".

And they launch into this whole long story about themselves and their issues/problems. It's ok when they validate your info and talk about their experiences in relation to what you said. But there are types who never fail to make you feel like they weren't even listening to you, don't care about what you're thinking or feeling, but more interested in talking all about themselves and their woeful/trigger happy life. It's like being totally preoccupied with themselves, in their own little world. When you begin to utter something about yourself, their facial expression suddenly slackens, their eyes wander, and they don't look like they're processing what you say.

I guess having been at the brunt of such experiences often, i learnt to shut up and just listen.

Secondly, i guess it's been a long time since i felt that i've really been listened to. I often feel that perhaps people don't want to listen and that i am not worthy to be listened to. I always feel a sense of guilt when i share something with someone during a conversation. It's as if, by talking about myself, i'm being narcisistic, being a person who talks unnecessarily. I feel like if i am talking about problems, i am a woeful human being. Mostly, i just feel that my issues aren't worth people's attention.

It's only when i am REALLY bothered, do i blurt. When i blurt, i ramble for a long long time. I think JL, V and Joy will know of such times of late. Gem... well, he hears me ramble pretty much ALL the time, because i know he listens.

Ok so now you know.

9 comments:

Flying Dove said...

don't worry...everyone is narcissistic...everyone is interested in themselves...it's just the degree of self-absorption.

Anonymous said...

this woman must be crazy! (i wish she would read this before the camp, haha). feel what guilty when you share huh? tsk tsk.

sometimes it's good to be the listener and observer. haha. me? i'm the yarper. i talk to much for my own good man. hahaha. you definitely can ask my other half. he can vouch how longwinded I am. haha.

i should learn to stay silent. it's golden you know. hahaha.

anyways, love you.

v

Anonymous said...

this woman must be crazy! (i wish she would read this before the camp, haha). feel what guilty when you share huh? tsk tsk.

sometimes it's good to be the listener and observer. haha. me? i'm the yarper. i talk to much for my own good man. hahaha. you definitely can ask my other half. he can vouch how longwinded I am. haha.

i should learn to stay silent. it's golden you know. hahaha.

anyways, love you.

v

z said...

u know, i do feel u r distant to me at times. u dun talk much abt urself.i do talk abt myself, n i like to hear ur comments abt thorny issues i had previously with my sis and cousin.but i guess, u cant be open with practically everyone. well, different pple open up to different pals.be careful who u bare ur heart to.i guess i learnt that this recent two years;(

joline said...

Sorry folks... my replies have taken a long time to arrive...

flying dove:

i agree. :-) guess it's human nature to be so... just the other day, i got to spill a bit of my thoughts to a listening person and boy... i felt somewhat freed. i've always been blabbering to WR, but talking to a girl is different.

van:

heh, thanks for telling me that being a listener is important too. :-) the world needs both types!!!
eh.... i do feel bad talking about myself lor... really.

z:

:-) i love your honesty. :-) i guess we've not been able to really talk face to face so that's why like that lor. but being in contact through our blogs even after JC (where we only got to spend 3 months with each other!) is really a blessing.

z said...

yalor, our blogs kept us connected.now in the 6th year. oh my.cant believe i have been blogging for so long~~~~our frendship has came long way

Flying Dove said...

how is talking to a girl different for u

joline said...

z:

Indeed. One of the pros of technology among the slew of cons. :-)

flying dove:

while guys do empathize too, for girls, u get the sense that there are more caring emotions involved which lends this sense of "a human touch", for lack of a better term. we share stories and find comfort in each other.

girls giggle together, smile knowingly, offer comforting touch, some things guys cannot do.

hm... i'm sure there is more, just can't think of any for now. :-)

zen said...

there is sth abt ger talk tat the closest guy frend cant get involved in. hmmm...
sch starts le, for me,the rush starts agn.haiz....like very tiring leh.....5 more mths...gonna die cos the quota increase by 400 more patients. ARGHHHHh