Monday, September 08, 2008

I don't know.

I just feel so... Blah. It's not like my world is falling apart but it somehow feels a little like that. I guess that is not really the case, so I think it would be more accurately phrased as: there are too many nagging and upsetting (which is subjective) things on my mind now.

School's definitely been keeping me busy. Busy and anti social. The busy part is fine, but being anti social is not something that's suppose to be included in the package. I find myself wanting to run home right after church service when usually i find much joy in hanging out with my cell group or cell group girls. But those days are gone.

I can't even go out because i'm busy catching up with work. Going out on weekdays is not an option unless i make up for the time spent by working extra hard before then. Sundays are catch up days. I feel deprived. Chained. Tired. Drowning and struggling. I meddled with the idea of giving up, though i know that i won't.

I am bogged down by my work and priorities and what's worse, i feel like i don't have the capacity to deal with any more people than i need to. On saturdays after service, the predominant feeling is: I just need a quiet night with very close friend(s). Silent and/or meaningful company is all i wish for. I just don't have it in myself to talk more than i need to. This rotten sense of isolation is leeching into my relationship with God, and i hate it. No relationship with God, no receiving of his love (he still pours his love, but...)that gives me strength to love others. When that happens, i get TIRED.

Then there's the issue of my cousin coming to live with us for an indefinite period of time. She's effectively going to be like a new teenage sister. And that... my friends... is something i have no idea how i'm going to handle. I've never had a younger sibling. It's no more just dad, mom, sister and i. Our little home, our private comfort zone. It's us and one more person. I'm still grappling with the idea of how i'm going to relate. Sister? Cousin? Because, it's going to be for the long haul. And it's a big thing. Lots of thoughts about this.
And then there are (for me to know) that i really want to beat up. Yes, you heard me right. Fed up. Frustrated. Angry.

There's more, but...

I don't know.
Blah.

7 comments:

zen said...

Are u feeling tired? I m too. so bogged down by things, my mind is a whirl nowadays.so many things happened. i just want a break. leave all this nonsense behind and start a new life. BUT i cant. haiz. i wish i can have a new identity. live somewhere. do some other job.....live the way i want.no responsibilities to anyone.....tired....

Rose in Bloom said...

you can still come out for a while to take a short breather yea?

WR @ David said...

Same busy-boat we're in; but each with different course to sail... Some sail solo; while others man a boat with a trusty crew..

(I'm reminded of Ps. Vic's statement during last week's sermon: "To go fast, go alone. To go far, go as a team")

In a "Man-over-board!" scenario, your crew can help pull you/each-other back on-board when it seems the storm has thrown you off for good.
For most folks, perhaps having understanding and die-hard mateys to face the voyage with(even if they make you feel sick before the sea does); makes for a more bearable, interesting & hopefully enjoyable experience. :-)

***

o_O
Not sure who/what you want to rain blows on... but i hope it is a punching-bag that's squishy enough to not wear your knuckles or shins out heh

Mimosa said...

hmm.. remember how you first started school at SIM, and was quite overwhelmed by the load and had alot of worries! do you remember? but you made it and did well too. Ok, maybe u'll say that this round the stuff is harder.. but you're also not the same person as then. defintely have more capacity and skills grown since then rite? so give yourself some time to settle down.. maybe it's just riding the crest of a steep learning curve.

Meet us! Meet us! J and I making plans to go for sat service so you better be there to hang out with us k. heh.

Dominic. said...

hey jo...

when you're really down and out, remember the purpose and reason for why you are placed where you are, why you chose to do things you do. also, remember that the will of God will not lead you to where the grace of God cannot sustain you.

"the margin of leveling-up for a level 50 character is way greater than that for a mere level 5 newbie..."

in other words, you have mature and grown all these while and i'm very sure that God doesn't want the growth process to stop. so, in order to bring you to a higher level, the stretching may have to be more intensive...

it's okay to feel squished and pressurised, but remember to keep an attitude of surrender and press on...you're never alone - God with you and us around you...

cheers!

joline said...

zen:

hey girl, yeah, i was tired. now after coming back from church camp, i am a lot more refreshed! Guess taking a break was good. Would u consider going for a short holiday?

i realize that well, some things cannot be changed. we can only change our thoughts or our behaviours to be able to tackle situations better.

wr@david:

Yup, my crew pulled me back on board. More importantly as well, it was the help of the Big Captain that did most of the work. Big Captain = Father God.

i was really blessed by my crew members over the weekend! Will tell you about it soon.

mimosa:

i remember the stress in sim yeah. and yes, i do think that it is different here. perhaps it's that crazy perpendicular (to the ground) learning line.

there's so much anxiety about facing people with problems for REAL for my practicum. oh good grief. thesis writing and all that. ARGH. i only have 2 years to grasp everything before i am shoved out into the working world.

thanks for the heads up mer! it's real good to hear from you, oh wise one. :-) teehee.

dom:

thanks dom. i have not forgotton my purpose. maybe i just needed some rejuvenation, time of refreshing and restoring of my energy and assurance of living this life.

yeah man, i will really need everyone's support. Like what WR said. Receiving the support from others, and receiving God's word from others, has really blessed me. (esp over the weekend at the worship advance)

joline said...

rose in bloom:

i find it pretty hard to step away from work unless i am FORCED to, with some compulsory mandate. :-) if i had a choice, i would not step away though stepping away might actually be a solution for the short term goal.