I don't know.
I just feel so... Blah. It's not like my world is falling apart but it somehow feels a little like that. I guess that is not really the case, so I think it would be more accurately phrased as: there are too many nagging and upsetting (which is subjective) things on my mind now.
School's definitely been keeping me busy. Busy and anti social. The busy part is fine, but being anti social is not something that's suppose to be included in the package. I find myself wanting to run home right after church service when usually i find much joy in hanging out with my cell group or cell group girls. But those days are gone.
I can't even go out because i'm busy catching up with work. Going out on weekdays is not an option unless i make up for the time spent by working extra hard before then. Sundays are catch up days. I feel deprived. Chained. Tired. Drowning and struggling. I meddled with the idea of giving up, though i know that i won't.
I am bogged down by my work and priorities and what's worse, i feel like i don't have the capacity to deal with any more people than i need to. On saturdays after service, the predominant feeling is: I just need a quiet night with very close friend(s). Silent and/or meaningful company is all i wish for. I just don't have it in myself to talk more than i need to. This rotten sense of isolation is leeching into my relationship with God, and i hate it. No relationship with God, no receiving of his love (he still pours his love, but...)that gives me strength to love others. When that happens, i get TIRED.
Then there's the issue of my cousin coming to live with us for an indefinite period of time. She's effectively going to be like a new teenage sister. And that... my friends... is something i have no idea how i'm going to handle. I've never had a younger sibling. It's no more just dad, mom, sister and i. Our little home, our private comfort zone. It's us and one more person. I'm still grappling with the idea of how i'm going to relate. Sister? Cousin? Because, it's going to be for the long haul. And it's a big thing. Lots of thoughts about this.
And then there are (for me to know) that i really want to beat up. Yes, you heard me right. Fed up. Frustrated. Angry.
There's more, but...
I don't know.