It's kinda sad for me to learn that while i might think that someone is my good friend, the other person may not think i am theirs. It's not because i do bad things... The Reason: Because i don't share much about myself, while they tell me a lot of stuff.

Two people (and maybe more people out there) have told me this recently and it made me think about the way i handle conversations. I tend to be the question asker, the one who listens and never talks much about the self. Most of the time, people open up and pour out stuff and i listen and offer some words or some advice.

I think there are a couple of salient reasons why i don't talk about myself.

Firstly, have you ever been in the presence of people who talk non-stop about themselves? You know those types, like whenever you tell them something you did, or something you thought about, or just anything about yourself, they go something like, "Yeah, yeah... *half interested look* i know what you mean, you know ah, i also.....".

And they launch into this whole long story about themselves and their issues/problems. It's ok when they validate your info and talk about their experiences in relation to what you said. But there are types who never fail to make you feel like they weren't even listening to you, don't care about what you're thinking or feeling, but more interested in talking all about themselves and their woeful/trigger happy life. It's like being totally preoccupied with themselves, in their own little world. When you begin to utter something about yourself, their facial expression suddenly slackens, their eyes wander, and they don't look like they're processing what you say.

I guess having been at the brunt of such experiences often, i learnt to shut up and just listen.

Secondly, i guess it's been a long time since i felt that i've really been listened to. I often feel that perhaps people don't want to listen and that i am not worthy to be listened to. I always feel a sense of guilt when i share something with someone during a conversation. It's as if, by talking about myself, i'm being narcisistic, being a person who talks unnecessarily. I feel like if i am talking about problems, i am a woeful human being. Mostly, i just feel that my issues aren't worth people's attention.

It's only when i am REALLY bothered, do i blurt. When i blurt, i ramble for a long long time. I think JL, V and Joy will know of such times of late. Gem... well, he hears me ramble pretty much ALL the time, because i know he listens.

Ok so now you know.

24th

Bolt in 3D and dinner at Tony Romas with family. Pony ride and feeding (!!!) sponsered by JL, heart to heart talk, lots of sunlight and packed lunch included (!!!). Many, many well wishes through sms and facebook and email. Movie and dinner with R and Is.

Looking forward to date with Gem and high tea with Is!

Sigh. It was/is a happy 24th. :-)

This post is more for me to remember what and how i cooked some dishes...

Mom has fallen ill with a vicious flu bug. Weird that the doc gave her antibiotics though since it's a virus, which does not respond to AB like bacteria does. So this week i'm the chief cook in the house. Muah haha. My sister is the more trusted cook between herself and i (the food i cook is usually a hit or miss affair... while my sister's usually turns out yummy), while mom is the one who usually takes the initiative to whip up dishes for the family but this time... nasty bug has gotten her down quite a bit.

Yesterday, i made a soupy dish for mom: boiled chicken stock with onions, leeks, potatoes and carrots and chicken chunks. Had to add a bit of that chicken cube thing because the chicken bones being boiled were well, not enough to lend a rich taste. For dad, i made him some pizza bread: bread, tomato paste spread, onions, ham, mushrooms and cheese. Sprinkled a little mixed herbs on the top as it toasted! Delish. He liked it! Mom thought the soup smelt good and tasted good too.

Today, i made mom noodle soup: yesterday's soup leftover with chicken and ikan bilis cubes boiled together in water to make the soup base. Then added in ginger slices and boiled it some more. At the end, threw in egg tofu, and tomatoes as well as enoki mushrooms. Took out some fresh chilled chicken breast and marinated it with a pinch of salt and sesame oil for a few minutes before throwing it into the pot as well. Boiled up the noodles in a separate pan. Once all done, serve everything hot in a bowl. Mom said it was good! :-)

Wednesday. I'm thinking... Either chicken porridge or chicken macaroni soup.

Thursday: One of the above.

Friday: I won't be around for dinner so i'm thinking, maybe i'll make a bit more food on thursday so that it can be warmed up again for dinner.

***

I've noted that i quite enjoy doing my own grocery shopping and cooking with no one in the kitchen telling me what to do. If i don't have picky eaters, then i would enjoy cooking more because then i would be free to cook anything without having to rule out choices of ingredients or specific dishes. I like the thought processes that lead me to think of what flavours should go together in a dish. I get to savour the flavours in my head! Sort of. :-)

Yet, it can be stressful when i've got a time deadline and when i can't get inspiration to conjure up a meal. Today, i woke up from my afternoon nap at around 5pm and asked God, "What should i cook??!?!!" (cos i was thinking about it for a long time and mom was gonna return home soon) And well, i suddenly got the idea to cook the noodle soup thing. The idea came just in time before mom called from the office asking me if i was prepping dinner tonight. God is cool. :-D

It's just the washing up that irritates me. Too much water being used and the repetitious washing is tiring for my hands and brain!

Think my mom is really appreciative and it's kind of funny that i've been "ordained" as the chef for this week because I've even received a little grocery budget. I guess it's practice for me anyway, to learn to visit the wet market a-la-aunty-style and spend wisely by budgeting the spending on food stuffs.

My dad is right. We need to be awful careful before we share the more intimate things in our lives with others. There are times when we feel tempted to share, but it is an act of will to hold our tongue and keep the honesty to ourselves first.

It's not just being honest about some THING, but it's also about being honest with WHO we are as people with other people in our lives. Something i have to figure out.

Which is to me a rather sad existence to be wary all the time, because i'm a frank person, an open book. But in being one, i'm bound to get burnt and get others burnt at some point in time. It's going to take a lot of control on my part to not speak my mind honestly all the time. Sounds a little disturbing, but well, truth is truth. It ain't a perfect and idealistic world.

Are we ready to be honest? Or are we just content with being surrounded by half baked honesty from the people around us? (For the sake of peace and harmony? To be liked?)

It's a delicate balance and lesson to practice. When to be at the right time, and when to never be.

Which is why God is cool. You can be completely honest with him and he won't rat on you, he loves you despite whatever you say, doesn't find fault although he does scold when necessary, is always understanding and non judgmental. Hanging out with God is the most peaceful way to pass the day.