appalled at what i saw.

i realize how sheltered i am from the kind of world people around my age and beyond live.

i am not accustomed to hearing bad language, it shocks me when i hear them blatantly said.
i don't see the kinds of social ills that are rampant in society.

when i see these things happen, my inner being feels pain for these people and i long to do something about it.

i want to reach out to them, but because of inexperience and perhaps inadequacy, i fear taking the step.

brb.

Cease. (i must've edited this no less than 6 times)

Why do i keep torturing myself?

Why does it hurt so bad even when i know it's going to happen?

AND HAS HAPPENED ALREADY.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR TOO!

Why jo why. Why do you keep doing this to yourself.

It's been years already and you still feel the stab?

Let go... You HAVE TO LET GO.

But i already have!

Then why am i shaking like a leaf?

God... My Abba Father...
Your love is the only thing keeping me safe and secure.

OH GOD....... WHAT CAN I DO TO RELEASE MYSELF FROM IT?
I thought this was long ago dealt with.

I'm feeling so divided.

A part of me is screaming, kicking and crying.
And feeling so alone and in crippling pain.
I'm trembling.

But the other part of me is sitting calm, with a tilt of the head, smiling subtly and wishing all things well.
Almost... psychotic-like.

Love gives rise to unspeakable joy and such cruel, ruthless pain all in one serving.

Wretched double edged sword.

But then, if Love is as it is from the Bible (which IS, as i believe), the latter part of me should be about the right way to go.

Should that kind of perfect biblical Love give us pain at all?

My life is in your hands Lord. You know what's best for me.

Your love is about the only thing that is constant. Change is a constant, but so is your love.

Take comfort in His love. It is unfailing.

All i need to do is TRUST YOU LORD and walk in your ways all the days of my life.

Normalized somewhat

CHECK THIS OUT... IF YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR BRAIN JOGGLED ABOUT!

ILLUSIONS!

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!

*** ***

Wouldn't it be interesting to be a guy for one day, knowing full well that you were a girl, will return to being one, but just for a single day, you will get to experience all that a guy does.

Ok, maybe a week.

I'm NOT having cheeky thoughts LAH.

The first thing i would do? Is go have a really funky hairdo.

Which reminds me, what if i was a totally cannot-make-it looking guy.
*giggle*

Anyway, then you will see girls from a guy's point of view, how guys have an effect on a girl, how girls have an effect on a guy, how to figure them enigma girls, how to push the right buttons.

What you would see in an attractive girl, to see if the "non-stop sex mindedness" thing is overrated or not.

Being in a whole differently hardwired mind and body.

Then, you get to know what sort of things make guys tick, why they do certain things in a certain way, why some things annoy the **** out of a girl but he doesn't think it's wrong.

What it takes for bonds to form between two guy friends, what annoys a guy about another guy.

*** ***

Having a headache that has been bothering me for the past 3 days or so.

The sort of headache dude that sits at the back of my head, smokes a cigar while it periodically puts a stun gun to the side of my head and presses the "zap" button.

It's not sharp but more a dull throb. Funny gun you have there.

I shall sleep you off soon.

****! ****!

overload, overload.

going bonkers. my mind is zooming from one corner to the other, thoughts and all things neurotic splishy splashy all over the place.

concerns over this and that, worries about that and this, nonsense spouting on my blog in rushes.

everything but essay content is exiting my mind.

i have Lush 99.5 pumping funky frequency through my ear drums, as i try to remain calm and in control, as i blink my tired eyes, and peer tiredly past hair in my face at the lappie screen.

made a radio switch to 97.2. chinese channel, are you surprised?
well, i've made a recent discovery that chinese love ballets can be quite easy on the ear and actually gently pleasing with the nice musical backdrop.

ok, i'm not to lose it. i'm trying not to lose it.

LORD. HELP. ME. PLEASE.

It's fear from last year. The baggage of pain and grades not proportionate to the amount of effort i put in.
The baggage, oh all the **** baggage that's making a stupid small essay such a big issue.

ok, stop.

BE STILL MY SOUL.

I did go back to ACJC during Founder's Day for about... 1 or 2 years? After i packed my bags and left its portals.

This time, it feels like a distant notion to even consider stepping on Dover soil.

Anyway, i had a hoot reading Mr Brown's (www.mrbrown.com) blog and Mr Miyagi's blog.
(on their Founder's Day stint)

Sorry, technology a bit lagging here huh, so you need to cut and paste if you want to read.

And you can access Mr Miyagi's by going through Mr Brown's. And yes, i am not calling them mister because i want to be polite. It's just the way it is.

giving me a reason not to trust you again?

that's too easy for you... you've done it again. congratulations!

there's no reason for me to trust you.
what is there to base the trust on?
AND,
even if what was said was meant to be "hey, trust me because...".

BAH. What do you take me for eh? do you think i was born yesterday?

You've done it before, you've proven that you're capable of being plain childish and manipulative.
(to no avail by the way. read that. and weep.)

Today shall be, "type as and when i feel like it".
off the top of my head, stuff.

11:36am

We need to get a REAL weighing machine. Not that the one we have is showing me something i don't like to see.

Quite the opposite really.
Which is the very reason why i don't believe it.

They say:
There are no ugly women. Just lazy women.

I think, i am lazy. Therefore, that makes me ugly.
So, i am ugly and lazy.
What a brilliant and winning combination.

Looking around myself as i go out onto the streets of O. alone, yes, and i can do that with utmost confidence mind you, (hm, come to think of it, i think i scared off that lady from the modelling agency) i realize what lengths women older and women my age go to to make themselves look desirable/feel good about themselves.

The nails, the hair, the make-up, the... rearrangement of anatomy(?), the shoes, the clothes...

And if you notice, the kinds of things hanging from the average women out there is quite... quite loud.
(that could mean in colour... not always in design, but design can definitely be included, cut, style, accessories... the works.)
That's in my opinion, of course.

Thing is. They bother to do all that for themelves.

And i am thinking: Gee. I am comfortable as i am.

And that would be:
a solid coloured tank (preferably racer back)/polo tee/big or slightly fitting tee
+
my usual hip-hanging-no-butt-to-hold-up jeans/my trusty berms-that-were-around-since-sec-school.
+
slippers/teva sandals.

I can run after a bus, dash up stairs two at a time, sit reasonably comfortably without revealing anything indecent, not worrying if i forgot to shave (!)...

I'm sure i can think of more.

Sometimes i wonder if i can look any better IF i bothered to do something about myself. (HAHA, that came out sounding rather strange)

But look.
I vow that i look odd with any more make-up than what i use now. And i am not exaggerating when i say that i look like someone from a Wayang show if tried to dump on more.

And of course, many other things which would just give you perfect reason to say: That's your problem you boring old lady.

Yes.
I am now not just lazy and ugly, but also conservative, scared and unadventurous.

The perfect candidate for some local makeover show or some glamourette thingy aye?

hohoho. Sad case lah you, jo.

Hotel Rwanda

using my mom's lappie which's a bit messed up so i gotta type most things in small letters. :-)

*** ***

My tutor keeps talking about how she did this and that while teaching in NIE, how the culture is there and how she is doing in the SIM culture, her students there, blah blah blah, "in IE, in IE, in IE..."
That it has turned from pleasantly interesting to jarringly annoying.

Now i guess i know what it feels like for others when i prattle on about all things ACJC.

*** ***

I've decided that i will not deprive myself of brain food, be it in the form of movies or books from the library or concerts or some such, even during the academic year.

living the way i used to last year was rather meaningless. one must know that there is a time for everything.
it's not an excuse to go out exactly, but haven't we all heard... "all work and no play, makes jack a dull boy".

so, i have stomped my foot down and went to watch Hotel Rwanda yesterday.

i am glad i watched it, it was worth my every cent. it was so deep and engaging that when i stepped out from the theatre into the brightly lit mall and saw the bright blue sky outside, i felt almost like i've never lived before.

like, i live in a plastic world.

of course, in different parts of the world and in different stages of national growth, with whatever level of poverty there is, the people all over, go through different forms of troubles and calamities.

But you have to admit that some calamities could be more heavy on the spirit than others.

i might be dying from my academic studies and going insane and breaking down mentally.

i might be going through a rough patch at the office with too much work.

or, maybe i might be facing the very lack of a job altogether.

or, maybe my husband is leaving me for another woman.

But imagine having a gun pointed at your head, your spouse's head (someone you've fallen in love with, given of yourself and share intimate ties with) or child's head (your own flesh and blood and maybe part of your "spirit" even).

you never know when the last breath will be or when will be the last time you get to say goodbye.

death is certain, as certain as taxes.
death is solid, irreversible. by most standards at least.

the dead person has no more life to hope for anything.

that is, unless of course you think that life hath no more meaning. and if you think that living is more of a pain than anything else.

"i would pay you to shoot me and my family"
-Paul, the main character.

The swaying between both ends: the desire to survive and to end the stress upon his shoulders and the horror of what he has seen.

*shiver*

"What's the use? They would simply say: Oh my God, that's horrible... And continue eating their dinner."
(or to that effect)

Having it SAID RIGHT OUT for you to hear really tears a chord inside.
How true it is.
I can picture it happening now. Sinking teeth into fresh homemade food while i watch the news, of people being beaten, people being burnt from bombings, getting shot down.

And not doing anything about their plight.

Once, i thought to myself: "I am a servant of yours God, AND WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!"

Of course there are many considerations that i could go into but that's just another issue to tackle altogether.

there is more about the show i want to ramble about but i have to stop for now. i guess i fall under the "dying under academic circumstances" bit.

till then.
*this's a good start*

Good emotional upheaval

Saturday blew me away.

I'll spare everyone the usual sad talk and launch into the reason why my faith has been given a boost.

Apparently, someone i know just a little, came up to me, in obedience (she was told by the youth pastor to come to me) and prayed for me.

Me: Just curious. Why did you come to pray for me?
J: Honestly, it was actually Pastor E.
Me: Really?
J: He told me, "Go and pray for this girl."

This is the second time in my life so far, that someone has been prompted to pray for me.

The first time someone did, she had tears in her eyes and she prayed something REAL specific too, with reference to an issue i had during that time.
Which was a long time ago.

So when this happens, it always means something special, personal and unique to me.

When she prayed she then said to me, that she was given a word/vision from the Lord which was of a "Locked Door".

She asked me if it meant anything to me.

WHICH DID, A WHOLE LOT.

Won't go into details here. Maybe not yet. Because it involves lots of outpourings.

But for now, i can say that being where i am in the Urban Race (youth portion of church), is where i should be... it's the right place to be.

- Growing in the spirit,
- questioning and learning,
- being refreshed by the insight of others,
- being ministered to by the elders in church,
- having more Christian brothers and sisters who're there to give support,
- and of course, being there to be of service to others who need help,
- to learn what it means to be a servant.

I am reassured by God, that i am someone in His eyes.

In recent days, i have been witnessing a number of small of interesting things from the Lord and i hope that as i continue to pursue God and serving Him, He would reveal Himself to me.

I hope that these are signs of the ball rolling.A start of a great and deep jouney with my God.

I want to leave my old way of life on the ground in a pile, and walk away from it, hand in hand with my Lord.

No more do i want to continue living in a life of uncertainty.

But i want one filled with genuine love for God and with that genuine drive to serve Him because i know God so personally and i want to do His will.

And when i share the good news with others, i can confidently say that i know and love this God of mine.

How can i reach out in Christ's love if i have no idea what it is or means?

I hope that in due time, all that i've been through, will be used for God's glory, for His purposes.

That whatever that He had me go through, would be used as a living testimony for sharing with others what God is about.

Till Then.
*I've got a message that God sent someone to tell me. How cool is that.*

A little clearer.

COOS Tertiary Camp

Mostly, it was a great time of mixing around, cell with cell, with the current undergrads getting to know who the future cell supervisor would be and just getting orientated.

Course there was that one or two, "forever-young" types who came to join in the fun.

Most of us have seen each other before in church and some might've already forged friendships.
But i guess this's just a more formal-informal way to getting/forcing everyone to mingle.

Can't say it was a bad thing. I'm glad i went because it was short and sweet, power packed with enough social stimulation.
And of COURSE, not forgetting the worship we had and moments for reflection and discussion.

Speaking from a recluse-but-actually-a-hidden-extrovert's point of view, you'd better believe it.

But that aside.
*SWOOOSH* (big huge broom to swept the frill away in one gargantuan effort)

What really stayed with me from that camp is the confirmation that i have that God is real and He is my personal Lord.

We had invited an ex-NTU cell leader, LS, to give us a short message for the morning's devotion.
I've to admit that it wasn't so much the message itself that spoke to me.

But it was what was REQUIRED of me and hence the reflection afterward that brought things into focus.

She spoke about "Abiding in Christ". The analogy goes like this:
Jesus is the vine and we, as Christians, are the branches that span out from Him.
We ought to live our lives as living branches, not dead ones that only look pretty with the visage but are actually useless.

By abiding in Christ, we rely our all on Him. And from there, He uses us in seasons of our lives to bear His "fruit".

These fruits we are referring to could be, a fruit of the spirit, like, "kindness", "gentleness", "self-control", etc.

Or, it could come in the form of us perhaps helping someone find God and in due time, this person will come to know the Lord.

And other things.

It is like God doing his work in us, anything, when we rely on Him, so that in due time, we blossom and display His beauty and/or His work in this way.

So, as i sat down alone to pray... I felt really empty, rather useless. I felt like a peanut amongst everyone else in the room. I felt unworthy of God. I felt so small.

To cut the long story short. After our group discussion and sharing, we split up to just uplift one another in prayer.

And all i can say is, when LS, this very anointed sister prayed over me, i just cried.

Everything that she said, just every point in her prayer was so specific to me that i couldn't help but feel touched in my spirit and i just felt hot tears fall.

It's not everyday that you have someone say something SO SPECIFIC even without having to tell her everything.

When we broke camp, i decided that i had to speak to her because i had so many burning questions and i felt really drawn to speaking to her.
It was great seeing that she was edified and me blessed, in the whole process.

One thing she said that i will not forget:
"When i pray, I try my best to rely on the same Holy Spirit that lives in you and me."

The whole thing was confirmation for me as i came to realise: GOSH, i am not all alone... We are all running the same race and we all face the same struggles as Christians living this life in this crazy world.
God is real and no matter what i might think, He has a lot more capabilities than i credit Him with!

Another wonderful thing was that, on the first day, we had a few people who weren't in the best of health, so during our committee debriefing, we just prayed over them to be healed.

And yeah! They got better overnight!

Praise God. :-)

Truly thankful that it has ministered to me (and i know others too) meaningfully.

In time, i hope that the many other youths, or just EVERYONE, will be richly blessed in spirit the same way, or even MORE, than i have been.

*** ***

Have i been too rough with my new phone? The joystick isn't working too swell these days or is the phone just laggy.

I need participants for my upcoming psychological experiment.

Where art thou?

Till Then.
*i wuv psych*

*stares ahead*

1.
Forrest Gump to Jenny: I may not be a smart man... But i know what love is...
(or to that effect)

I wish i had the priviledge of knowing what love is.
Then again, i do know. In black and white text, that is.

We've heard many versions. We've thought we felt it.

I want to know it inside out.

I wonder if "love" to a person with IQ 70 is actually a very simple and straight forward concept indeed.

Maybe we complicate it.

Does the love a child has for his mother (don't give me that Freudian stuff) share the same basis as the love a couple share?

Love.
The 4 letter word that boggles many and even joggles scientists into research.

Sometimes i wonder if it was strong feelings or love.

A friend told me, we'll never know what love is till we know and feel God's love.
Or rather, we cannot love another until we have experienced the love of God.

Can human love be as perfect as that? Even for a moment?
Will all of our striving ever lead to at least near or perfect love?
(right, i know that it sounds like a straight answer is due.)

But, or ok, how about "True love", as we put it more commonly. Heard of that right.

We've heard some really good stuff.

I know so little...
I have insufficient knowledge of such, i shall hesitate to comment further.

2.
People i know who live through or are living through tough circumstances or are depressed/angry/jaded/... inside, seem to have a mighty load of insight into life and many other aspects of existence and the world around them.
Much to say about that but i will zip.

3.
It's that time of the year again, when deep cognitive aspects from history act up.
But i must say, it isn't half as bad as last year.

4.
Tell me, guys.
When you are with a girl (someone that you actually have designs on), and then you happen to see an attractive girl go by and decide to watch her.

What goes through your mind?

Hm, girls, what say you.

***

My lappie has died. Hard drive is down. Rats.

Using the dad's comp isn't a liberating experience so...
Oh well.
Till i can get my lappie done, i guess blogging down my thoughts anytime i want will no longer be convenient for now.

Off to musical enlightenment.

Returned

Back from the tertiary camp that was held over the weekend.

Had wanted to post up something on how it has been a small but significant blessing. But i got gunned down by my mom's killer glare last night so the post isn't done yet.

Catching up with my readings that i've missed now so i'll probably be back only later.

It's been days of mulling, self reflection and realizing my faults and flaws.
And i realize how much control AND how little control i have over who i am and how i can change.

I'm looking forward to the next camp... The planning was insane but everything pulled together in the end.
If the social recluse can say that another camp would be cool, then it must be good.

It was not perfect. But qualitatively, it was perfect.

Thank God.

Later, loves.

both extremes

I never knew that i still hold so much bitterness inside.

It's like a simmering well of poison that stays mostly hidden and concealed under that nicely painted unsuspecting picture...

Until something that makes it boil comes around.

Then, i would taste the anger... And the heart turns cold and hard.

Almost snapped back with something bitter and nasty but stopped just in time.

*** ***

I am VERY GROUCHY. I know, been complaining about it for the last few days about not sleeping well.

But it just came to a complete head today. I was working all the way from morning to night, then to morning again and slept from freaking 7am to 945am.
Only to continue working my posterior off till now.

I wouldn't have eaten if no one had asked me to.

I am blogging because i cannot take it! I need to scream so you shall get it.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am easily pissed and if you so much as raise your voice at me, i will put a frog in your mattress tonight. Or worse.

And this fella * well cannot even WAIT for a while for an email to arrive. I was just going to send the email when C. called me for the second time, *ing shortly, after the first call, hurrying me for the email.

* IT!

It wasn't even 15 minutes, * IT!

BUT.

Amidst all this pissy feelings. I tell you, despite me being such a wreck, dirty, impure and fallen being, GOD IS GOOD and as i am working, HE'S WORKING ALONGSIDE ME!

I had to do 3 things today:
- do the PP slides for the bible trivia
- dash out to get the games logistics
- go down to zap the journals at henderson (WT...)

3 things but that's a whole lotta things for so little time when i had to report by 4pm, but now 6pm.

Been doing the trivia thing for days and it's still not done... While i was slogging away at the laptop, i began to feel the pressure and tiredness from all the days of non-stop work.

So, i bowed my head and said a simple prayer to God... asking him to "please... let me finish the slides on time..."

And guess what. C. called up not long after to tell me that K. was free to pick up the logistics stuff that i was suppose to.

THANKS BE TO GOD!

Then, while still slogging away, quite a while later, C. called again to let me know that i can send the email to the office so that i didn't need to go all the way down.

You tell me who's behind all that?

It's uncanny, it happened all so neatly.
So if you've noticed, all i have to do now is concentrate on the pp slides.

So, I AM OFF FOR NOW!

My little testimony.
That God sees what i'm doing, His hand is never too short to help me, He answers prayers
and... He knows the limits to my overzealous self.

GOTTA GO!

GOD, SHOW ME MORE!

tILL then.
*Lord, to see more of you during this church camp, i pray*

:-I

Apart from God's and nuclear family love, there is no other love that i trust in.

*** ***

Took a scissors to my hair today, out of whim. Snipped off some from the front layers. It's nothing much. Just a little shorter. Hardly noticeable anyway.

It's something i do now and then when i feel like it and it makes me happier.

It's V day. So?

Wrote a loooong entry about my abhorrence for Valentine's Day.
But when i received another sms...
(from a FRIEND.)

Hard Heart melted and well... let's see what the destiny of that post is.

*** ***

ARGH. ANOTHER DAY WHEN MY HEAD TOUCHED THE PILLOW ONLY AT 3+ to 4am! I cannot LIVE like this!
*does a melodramatic faint*

Establishing a very unhealthy internal alarm clock. Brain is working less efficiently. I do wonder how some other varsity students can handle it.

I find myself having too many thoughts with a hopeless capacity to process everything. To even know what the rabbit i am talking about.

I miss my rambly long posts. :-)

Ack. Cognitive Textbook calls. I hate the way it's written.

*** ***

I think i have lost whatever wit i ever even had.
I find myself incapable of twisting something and throwing it back with intelligent wit.

I have become a smile/grin-nod dim-wit, who says, "ok..." or, "sheesh", or, "wa lau" or some other boring trash like that.

Another thing is, from one incident, i've realize that i have learnt to tone down quite a bit with my sarcasm. I actually held my tongue just in time before i blurted out a retort.

I might be wrong here, because maybe some of you might still think i am a rude snot, but i use to be worse ok.
Believe me.
We're getting the watered down version today. *smirk*

Honestly, i never mean to hurt anyone with sarcasm (though people may anyway), i never mean anything with malice.
It might come out sounding rude but there really isn't anything personal.

It's just a part of me.

I was once chastised because of it before. But i guess back then, it was coupled with the fact that i was bitter and depressed then.

It's different now. I want to be who i am, the sharp mouth. But it's been suppressed over the years, that if i were to bring it back, i'm not so sure of the consequences.

Till Then.
*If only time stood still long enough for me to sleep. Without getting caught by the parentals for sleeping in the afternoon*

Bad form

Anyway...

I wish i had been Belinda Lee.

Keanu Reeves is mine.

*** ***

Guilt ridden me, guilt ridden me.

BAH.

It's Chinese New Year, can i just let loose?
I feel the nagging at the back of my mind... "go to work... go to work... you haven't finished your readings, you still have your essay..."

I haven't even gone for my first lecture and tutorial and i am already trying to attempt the question. I have this habit of trying to do everything fast and ahead of everyone and ahead of the given schedule.

Thing is, if i don't solidify and totally get the full picture of the things i've learnt, i'll just waste my energy and effort if i go ahead and write my essay.

*** ***

There seems to be so much i wish to say except that my brain isn't working too efficiently.

Church camp planning, hanging around aimlessly, wishing i could sit in my chair and study, ponder...

I think i'm just... Really tired and not in the best of form.

Someone...
I beseech thee... Whisk me far away, far from the cares of this world, bring me to a place where my eyes can behold the far reaches of this world, where i can take a breath with a chest unladen, and not have an atom of worry at all.

I need to sleep. Just when i thought i could study.

Till Then.
*Lord, please forgive me for putting other things ahead of you.*

Jo at 4am.



Doing some church camp stuff. *goggle*

I am dreaming of the bed, but surprisingly not desperately sleepy.

These nights have GOT to STOP.

Till a more godly hour.

I take my leave.

David Lanz

It'll be forever different now, whenever i pick up a David Lanz CD to play.

I sat (almost) at the feet of my favourite pianist today. Second row from the very front, stall seat.

My parents and i came on time and so i sat all by my lonesome at my seat (because they wanted the cheaper seats, so i paid my own more expensive fare) staring at the black Steinway & Sons grand piano.

The theatre was semi dark while the stage was shrouded in darkness, save for the few spotlights that highlighted the grand.

It was almost surreal just sitting where i was, looking straight ahead, waiting in controlled anticipation/conscious nonchalance (don't ask me why, maybe it's my personal disregard towards looking like a mad fan though i sort of am almost there in truth) for the moment when David (it gets tiring typing David Lanz) comes on stage.

The piano itself was an art piece, the way it stood there in its black, handsome and sturdy grandeur, yet it seemed to also pulsate its own alluring (sexy?) charm.
In David's words, like a "Dark Horse".

I know he composed a song with such a title attributed to the subject instrument.

The music playing in the background seemed almost cheesy in comparison to what i was going to hear.

Then the lights dimmed, covering us in almost pitch darkness.

And David walked out from the black corner of the stage, just as if he melted into our presence. Like, some Phantom of the Theatre house.

It was like a DREAM.

It's not because i see him as my IDOL in that obsessive sense, though but i go around calling him my "ou xiang" because he IS my favourite pianist.
Neither will you see hearts flying around my head and twinkling in my peepers.

But it was something so personal, though impersonal in reality sadly.

This person, whose CDs i've been listening to since i was in secondary school has flown all the way, half way around the world, to our little island to tinkle and bang (artfully of course), a few songs to us.

He was so REAL and no longer just a faceless musician.

The second he dived into his first song, i felt as if i was listening to the studio recorded CD track.

The way the lights dimmed on him as he prepared himself and the way it changed its hue, intensity and colour as he played his songs made him look like an artwork... a fusion, together with the Steinway.

It was a joy watching his fingers move effortlessly on the keyboard, making it look so easy.
Well, he made mistakes too... Two songs were riddled with mistakes.
But it just served to make me think him all the more human. And real.

He's just like one of us. Just... with different circumstances in life.

There was once i noticed how tensed i was all over throughout one of the mistakey songs.

There was just something intriguing about the way a human can command the piano. Pressing the right buttons, hitting the chords, how hard you depress the keys...
Something about control, something about doing it right.

Reminds me of.. God? But doesn't quite fit, right.
:-)

He played mostly the most touching, romantic and all time favourite songs. And those, i am very familiar with.
Some of the others are from albums i possess and a couple from a new album not released here, "The Good Life".

David made his concert a little interactive. Melike. And he has a pleasant sense of humour.

There was this little medley of "childhood songs" which he played and it was just SO FUN!
He did little "gimmicks" here and there, like giving us little funny expressions while he played, pretending like there weren't enough keys on the board when he reached the end of the board, putting on sunglasses when it came to the fast, funky and upbeat part, and DELIBERATELY taking them off when it slowed down to the more "serious" parts.

It was entertaining then. Couldn't get enough of it.

And mind you, besides playing romantic pieces, he's a pretty darn competent jazz pianist. In fact, i think he does play jazz. And if you ask me, he looked a whole lot more comfortable playing jazz.

Oh... i've had a taste of what it is like to experience music live from an artiste i appreciate.

I hope there'll be more events like this to come. But first, i have to find more musicians i genuinely love.
Hm, Keiko Matsui's another.
We'll see.

I am hoping that the image of David sitting at his dark piano, with the dim coloured lights enfolding him, will stick in my mind for a long time to come.

But more so, i hope he returns.

And that those jokers would jack up the publicity.

Till then.
*a pity that i didn't get to speak to him. I remember leaving him a message on his website about how nice it'd be if he came to visit, and perform at our arts centre. It's his first time in this part of the world, he said.*

The moments after...

DAVID LANZ CONCERT TOMORROW at THE ESPLANADE, 8pm.

I've NEVER HAD SUCH motivation to buy tickets for a concert that takes place at the Esplanade apart from band performances by alma mata ACJC.

BEHOLD! MY FAVOURITE PIANIST!!!
I am UNSPEAKABLY EXCITED!
I cannot BELIEVE HE'S COMING TO, IF NOT ALREADY IN SINGAPORE!

*** ***

Hearing a simulated version of how it sounds like from a mortal mouth, i think i can imagine how God aka Jesus might say it and how much He must love me.

And it warms my heart and pricks (sometimes devours) my consciousness, that someone so divine, so brilliant, so perfect, so spotless and clean, so pure...
Could look at me and think no evil thoughts of me but can only love a sinner that is so imperfect, so foul, so filthy.

We hear the "God Loves You" phrase so often that it becomes so hackeyed and it so quickly loses its spiritual touch of reality, it becomes auto-textbook, just-microsoft-text-words knowledge.

Can we say it with tears of gratitude in out hearts, spirits and eyes?

I have to admit that more often than so, it's merely a 3 worded phrase to me.

But then at times, i feel as though my mind is brought to a different level and i see the hugeness of God and that He really does have such an omnipotent presence and a vast unlimited capacity to embrace every single living thing that exists.

It doesn't matter whether WHO we are, or WHAT you have done.

When Jesus was on Earth as a man, he mixed around with the lowest of society, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the adultress, all the very people we'd get (a bit?) uncomfortable around. The sick in the mind, the leprosy ridden, the lame, the blind...
Liars. At some point, we all do lie right?

Despite all that. He loves you and His heart aches for you to know Him.

We wouldn't need God if we were all perfect.

For Him to be your Father.
A Father to those whose Earthly daddy no longer lives, or to be a Father to those whose daddy who is incapable of being one, or to be a Father to those whose daddys have gone off astray.

*** ***

Because i am not that, oh-i-neeeeeeed-you-every-moment sort of person, i find it hard to fathom why some people think about their significant others something like, every second, or well, almost every second of the day.

My sister and i were just talking about how we aren't the kind of girls who need to meet the boyfriend (in this case, a very fictional character for the both of us at this point) often within a week, or even spend long hours together in a day.

As for questioning the girls' point of view, we were wondering whether it is due to a to need to feel identification by virtue of "i am so-and-so's girlfriend".

Or is it just plain neediness. "I feel lonely without you by my side... I need your company, without you i feel empty. Your presence is what i need!!!!!!"
(this is not in said in a general sense which is about when man finds woman. It's about the physical company.)

This, i just cannot fathom.

I can understand the "i love your company" bit, but it is only till there that i can identify.
But i don't get it when one has to feel like one has to spend every spare moment with the other.

Even if i do have feelings for or love someone, i definitely won't want to see him everyday, every moment, hear from him every hour...

It only serves to make me feel caged, watched, stifled.
Sometimes it might feel like i'm being put on a pedestral... Which honestly can be nice sometimes but if too often, will make me feel like conking the guy on the head to knock him out for a bit, while i go take a breather.

Makes me want to go run across the open grasslands of England, skydive or something, ya know?

As for the guys' side, what do you think? How do you feel about this?
If you are the type who needs your girlfriend's company (or imagine one up) every chance you get, why's that so?

My sister says that next time, i am going to have to work out some schedule or timetable with my husband.


*** ***

Now that it's time for me to mug, i am wondering if i put too much stress on myself, which is one reason why i think i don't do as well as i hope for, despite putting so much effort into my work.

I always try to read up as much as i can beforehand by beating the schedule, try to do my assignments before they are due, get worried, slightly frustrated and guilty when i am not being productive.

Are these signs of some sort of workaholic disorder or somesuch.

Other times, I get stressed and i wonder if it's because,

1. the amount of work i put in is too much. OR,
2. i am doing too little and because of my inability to achieve as much, i find that i feel incapable of being as smart as i wish i could be.

Urgh.

I wonder if i take parental expectations a little too far, maybe even to the point of distortion? (ok, that's an iffy)
Such that i think i'm creating my own problems to weigh me down.

Bah.

I love what i'm studying, but i hate all the reading that has to be done.
Maybe i shouldn't stick around at home. It's not a healthy place to be.

You don't want to create negative contingents.
Home=study,
Study=reading
Reading=don't like=bad emotions
therefore,
Home=bad emotions, so,
Home=Bad emotions=unhappy and unhealthy.

Eeek, did i just type that out! ARGH! Manifestation! NO! CANNOT, must psycho self positively.

Okok, out.

Till Then.
*Stop obsessing jo. And you're not going to feel happy if you don't hit the gym like, NOW.*

Bluetooth Happy

More sunset rays


While on the way home, i stopped by the corridor and looked out and yet again couldn't let this one go. I am getting trigger happy... Now that the bluetooth dongle lets me share photos! But hey, doesn't cost me a cent to feel fulfilled inside when it comes to admiring the beauty of nature and sharing it with anyone who can appreciate it too.


Vertical version. Figured i could get more sky, which turns out to be just... grey.


Took this one at Paya Lebar. I looked on to my left and immediately fell in love with what i saw. Swooooosh! SNAP! Thank God for digicams and for bringing it that day.


*** ***

I spent a day out in town yesterday and when it came close to going home, i realized what a homebody type i am. Sure, i like to venture out but i will ALWAYS long for home at the end of it all.
Guess i'm not cut out to be a backpacker.

Speaking of backpacking, i kind of like the idea of travelling around with my well stocked backpack as well as my loving partner bounding faithfully beside me.
(hohoho, sounds just like a happy retriever!)

ANYWAY, i DO MEAN a human being.

No, no, don't think amazing race!
We might just kill each other, but then again, we might end up loving/understanding each other more despite going crazy bonkers or well... remaining perpetually PMS-y, though i doubt any normal man will be able live with it...
and live a long life, for the record.

Especially so, if it is dished out by me. I am a terror! *ROARRRR!!!*

But of course, if he does, he is for keeps forever!

Funny how i used to be able to stay at home for days in a row without feeling the need to go see the outside world... ok fine, apart from the supermarket downstairs.

Now? Gee. I need fresh air, if not, at least something to keep me very very busy.
Ok, but i guess i will be coerced into remaining at home from now on.

Fine by me. My mugging engine is going at almost full throttle. Better make good use of it.

Visited the library yesterday too to look for brain food, but was sorely disappointed, having only found ONE SKINNY BOOK by ONE AUTHOR OUT OF THREE AUTHORS of books i was hoping to find.

*pout*

Argh! OK! Don't puke your dinner out! I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i can't pout adorably.
Bah.
Such are the sorrows of looking chronically nerdy.

Anyway, i managed to obtain TWO Paulo Coelho's books, none of which i've read before so i am a very happy girl.
A very happy nerdy girl.

Jo navigates her way around the library... keeping her head up to look for the fiction section.
She drools mentally as she draws nearer and nearer to finding the sirname of one of her favourite authors.

"COELHO! PAULO!" she finally spies!
Spots TWO BOOKS by him.
With her heart beating at 400 beats/min, she thinks,
"I WANT! GIMME!"

Then she thinks in a more civil manner. "What if someone else comes looking to?"

... ... ... ...

As much as i felt it was my duty to not deprive someone of the same pleasure, i thought, "Look, what kind of rules are those? Sigh. I've been looking and i think i want them too much to let it go."

So there. I took both home. So now my sole responsibility is to finish them ASAP.
As with the 2 other Christian books i promised to read ASAP too.

Garbled too much already eh.

Till Then.
*My life... Rededicated."