Grumpy at having to wake up early, grumpy that i was running late because i woke up late and had to ensure that the dog was fed, leaving the house later than i should have, knowing that I was going to be inevitably late for the first day at a workshop at the office, meant that I was not in the best of moods.

So happened that i had also chosen to try a new bus route to work in hope that it would be shorter than my usual 1 hour 15 min route.

As the bus pulled into the road with my designated bus stop, as i was unsure of the route, i hesitated and didn't press the "Stop" button. And i was like, "ARGH! Now i have to spend more time figuring out how to get back! Am i going to be late!". I stared out the window in utter despair watching my bus stop pass right on by...

But wait! HANG ON!

For some unfathomable reason and without warning, the bus was already halfway past the stop when the bus driver suddenly swung the bus into the bus bay and stopped with a considerable jerk. Good thing it wasn't crowded or you'd have a bunch of rather disgruntled passengers.

I figured the driver thought that someone at the bus stop wanted to board. But not a soul did.

This took me by surprise, but at that moment it occurred to me that i should be getting off. So i sheepishly pressed the button to let the driver open the back door for me to alight and i hopped off as silently as i could.

The strange thing was, i thought i saw a caucasian lady at the stop who looked like she wanted to board the bus, But when i got off, she was nowhere to be seen.

I messaged Gem to tell him what happened and he said, "haha, maybe the bus driver was possessed by the Holy Spirit and stopped the bus...". You know, i might jolly well agree.

I saw God's grace that morning... and then remembered how it started. Remember miss grumpalofogus earlier that morning? Well, i did leave my home grumpy, but when i was waiting for the bus, i just started to thank the Lord for the beautiful morning, my able body (you know, to run across, uh, i mean jaywalk), and for just every thing that i had in my life. I also started to sing, in my head, a praise song that we've been playing in church recently. I'm glad i chose to change the way i started my day. From a heart of unrest, to a heart of praise and thanksgiving.

It's these funny little instances that God tells me that he knows his daughter needs a hand, and extends it down to her. I love it that He shows me He cares in my everyday living. :) God shows up beyond just church, for sure. It also goes to show and remind me again that God is in control all the time, and that He can always turn a bad situation around for good, and when i share about it, it's for His Glory.

In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

What an experience it was at today's service's worship time. First, it's the first time i'm being accompanied by the synthesizer, and second, i've never had my pastor come up to me to tell me to play out...

We were having a time of free worship after the New Doxology song, and she came up on stage to come alongside me. I knew she wanted to tell me something but my hands were busy on the keys. It was quite amusing to me how she had to gingerly lift my long hair away from my right ear to try to speak to me. I took a moment to pause and remove my in-ears and she told me, "play out a Song of Beauty" and she said "play out... you're holding back"

Boy, i was scared. I mean, what? Me? You mean i have free reign over my chords? Wouldn't i be sidelining the rest of the band since i would be launching into my own tune? And then another part of me was saying: C'mon! This is it! You've always wanted to break out from prescribed progressions, now you can break out into anything!

More so though, i was hesitant about something so new and bold, but i heeded my leader's encouragement and went for it. I just played whatever i thought i should. Whatever the Holy Spirit led me to. On hindsight, i WAS SO GLAD it was in a familiar key, Key of G with just one sharp (F#). Haha.

There were moments when a song of beauty was released, and there was another moment when I distinctively felt God asking me to play C and B repeatedly, as a resounding call saying, "Children, Children". Like He was singing out and calling us. And then the other notes was Him saying, "Hear me. I love you, I love you". At one point, our worship leader J also started to sing out God's message to us.

I could hear my heartbeat thumping fast and loudly in my ears (cos the in-ears closed out other noises) because i was so nervous and hesitant... I wasn't sure what the next chord was suppose to be. I know i hit some weird chords when i meant to play something else.

But i tried... Tuning in my "antenna" as best as i could to the Lord and to play accordingly. As i was playing, i remembered L's card that she gave to me almost exactly one year ago at this time... She wrote, "You paint God's heart with sounds" (27th June 2009) Talk about prophetic, huh? :DDD

I don't remember everything i played, but i remember the single notes on my right hand that was expressing what God wanted to say. I remember those moments to be quite intense for me, trying to tune in to God and figuring what notes i was suppose to hit. I remember being at a lost at what to do next and having to fully depend on the Holy Spirit to lead. I guess that's the way it goes, yeah?

During the debrief session, i was thoroughly encouraged by my ministry mates and was also nudged on to be more bold to play out. After the debrief session, YS came up to me to share of a vision he saw during that free worship time. He told me that as I played out, he saw a painting beginning to form, a painting of a picture that depicted all the beautiful things of God. I was so blessed. :) A Song of Beauty indeed! Though he also said that i could afford to be less hesitant.

I feel like i could've done so much more though i don't really know how to (some of you were spot on, that i was hesitant). Whatever it is, whatever that happened tonight, I give all glory to Father God.

There certainly were limitations on my part and I couldn't have played much without His leading. I just did my best, His song tinkling in my spirit to be released into the physical.

Thank You God. More of this, please? Teach me how!

A long time ago when i was around maybe 5-6 years old i remember being in my church's old sanctuary with my mum and dad one day, before it was renovated. The sanctuary, what it was called back then, was where the adults would go for services.

I remember that incident quite vividly. When the adults were singing with praises and worship to God, i felt a churning in my being. Not the toilet sort of course. For the lack of any better word, my inner being felt "touched" and "inspired", I just felt my insides feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Tears would come and i didn't understand why. But i could draw and write. So i drew an image of something or other, and wrote something with "Jesus" and "Prayer" in it and i remember showing it eagerly to one of my folks.

Looking back, i know now. Being a child, there just wasn't any preconceived ideas, no theology, no debates. Just a clean, untainted slate, open and receptive to God's presence.

And that's how God wants us to be like. To be like little children, coming to Him innocently. With hearts and minds open, clear and totally trusting.

Before i left his study room, dad was telling me that his laser pointer cum powerpoint slides changer (when you press a button) that has been with him for years no longer works. He was a little sad because he was going to have a presentation the next day and no matter what he did, the little device couldn't come back to life. It had well and truly croaked.

I left the room and was doing stuff at my comp when after about 10-15 minutes, dad came by my room entrance and excitely exclaimed, "JO! I'm SO excited!"

"What? Why?"

With a big ole bright grin and waving the pointer about in his fist, he said, "I held the pointer in my hand and said, in JESUS' NAME, IT. SHALL. WORK.! And then i turned it on and... it WORKS!!!!!"

Apparently, Jesus saves/heals electronic devices too. He's quite tech sav(e)vy, huh? :p

Remember i said that i recently have been stuffing my face?

The desperation with which i dug into the fridge looking for something sweet and brown, and the ferocity in how i broke the hard piece into smaller bits, threw them into my mouth and chewed down hard despite my liking for it to be melted and smooth, shocked me.

(I'm surprised i didn't gnaw on the bar a la viking:drumstick)

I actually felt my cranial dwelling neurons sigh a huge sigh of relief as my taste buds savoured, in frenzied urgency, the familiar taste of chocolate.

Uh, I am not pregnant.

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."

***

For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.

that odd yet meaningful dream

I had a really strange dream on friday night...

I dreamt that the whole of NTU cell had gossiped behind my back. And to me in the dream, that was TOTALLY UNIMAGINABLE because, other than my family and close JC mates who've seen all sides to me, they are the closest people to me and people whom i have been honest to! In the dream, R was the one who spilled the beans to me. I'm not sure why she told me what the cell had done, but she definitely wasn't sympathetic either. Apparently, they had talked about all my negative points, and pretty much came to a conclusion that i was NOT likeable.

(NTU cell aka Cell Group = group of people who meet up once a week, every week, other than for church service, to study the bible together)

I can only remember a couple of the things they "did not like" about me: I was told that the cell disliked how i sang so loudly during cell worship as if i was some big shot with a splendid voice, and i was told that they did not like me also because i could not lead them well during cell worship. Which explained why they did not ask me to lead worship anymore. Among other things, they said other bad things about my personality.

And throughout the dream when R was telling me about what cell had spoken behind my back, i was supremely indignant. I was so desperate to understand WHY they did not like me even when all i have done was to be the best friend and person that i could be to them. I was all alone, and felt totally misunderstood. In the dream, i could not comprehend why the people who were so close to me, people whom i had sincerely liked, could do such an abhorrent thing to me.

In my dream, i found that i was greatly distressed because i felt as if all that i was worth depended on whether i was accepted positively by people. The NTU cell is a representation of people who are dear to me. But strangely throughout my hurt and indignance, somehow this message was deposited into my mind:

"Who cares about what others think about you? The opinion of man is superficial and changing. What matters is what God thinks about you, and that is steadfast and everlasting. Your worth is not defined by what people say or feel towards you, or whether people like you. See, even the people who are closest to you have turned against you. You now understand the true meaning of what it means to have the world against you. And you now understand the true meaning and weight of what it means to rely completely on the worth that God gave you."

You see. It is easy to disregard what strangers think about you, and it does not hurt so much when they think badly of you. But when your own close ones begin to hate you, suddenly you feel like your worth is being called into question. Suddenly your identity and reputation is in shambles, suddenly you feel as if you have no where to go.

As i thought more about this, this dream is in line with the Christian walk. God is to take top priority in every aspect of my life, and loving God beyond all else and accepting our identity in Christ is what every Christian is suppose to do. But all too often as we jouney through life on Earth, we forget this and get swallowed up by the worldly things that surround us. We lust after material things of this world, and we accept definitions of people and things set by culture and society at large (Eg. beauty, intelligence, self-worth, etc).

We love and obey God and choosing to do His work is/may be unpopular with the masses. For example, speaking out against homosexuality and abortion, or sharing the gospel. There are times when we may have to do this among people who hate God and Christians (which is actually happening today). And in doing so, we have to forsake our own plans, reputation, safety, etc.

To be able to stand up for the things of God, we need to secure in God. To know that we are loved even when the world hates us.

Therefore, i understand that being secure in God, gives us sureness in our lives. It's being on a foundation that does not change.
You may say: What if you die doing God's work? What kind of security is that?
My answer is simple: The safety that God gives is beyond this physical life. It is eternal. By that i mean, you go to the place where God is to be with him forever. Heaven! It can't be more secure than that. :-)

I don't really know why i had this dream or what triggered it. Thought i'd just share it on this space and i hope that anyone reading this will benefit from it. :-D

*cue in music from twilight zone* I bring you another episode of "strange tales"...

Jo: What does your mom work as? *staring into the distance and the word "remisier" pops into thy head*
S: Oh, she is a stock broker.
J: Is that the same as a remisier?
S: Yes. The same.
J: Before you told me what she worked as, i had the word "remisier" in my head.
J and S: *become wide eyed*

Ok, so the next time someone asks me if i can read his/her mind when i tell them that i did psychology, i shall just look deeply into their eyes, with a slight creepy smile and say, "Sometimes.....".
Hurhurhur.

***

Yesterday, Gem and i were at Watsons holland village choosing a shampoo for me. I was making an evaluation of some brands and just as i said, "The shampoo is quite moisturising", this slim lady with long brown hair and blond streaks walked by us along the same aisle and said outloud to no one in particular: "No, it's not."

I was quite perplexed for a moment, and i asked Gem whether he heard what i did. He said he heard: "Doraemon". (ok, at this juncture, i declare that women have better hearing. heh. ok, kidding...)

After a few minutes of deliberation i picked out a sunsilk shampoo happily and said to Gem, "Ok! It's $6.50 right?", while striding towards the cashier.

Then, the SAME lady who happened to be in the queue in front of me said outloud, "If you have the money to pay for it."

In my head, i was like... "HUH?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE???"
SO WEIRD RIGHT!!!!!

I kept quiet till i paid for my shampoo and then Gem said to me, "Hey, that lady is saying some very bizarre things!"

At first, i thought that her first comment was to the person she was talking to over her handphone or something, through an unseen bluetooth device. But the second "pissed-at-the-whole-world" comment, was just too coincidental that it left Gem and i super amused and bewildered.

HA. These are the things that make life so interesting. I don't even know the lady and whatever she was saying was too directly relevant to whatever i was saying. And i couldn't find the bluetooth device anywhere because her hair was covering most of her head. I wonder what was making her so pissed that night.

***

I don't really know how to begin or end telling you this. But. WOW! God REALLY surprised and blessed me AGAIN. Some 3 years ago, i didn't know if doing my honours was the way to go because i wasn't sure if i'd nail a good pass for it. But well... With hard work and faith in whatever God had in store for me be it good or bad... I just got my official transcript 2 days ago, and i was awarded a upper second class!

WOOooOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOooooOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my Gawssh!

You know. Nothing about what i do makes me deserving. Yes, i did work hard but there were many times when i really struggled through my work, because of never ending deadlines for self study, doing essays and reseach, fatigue (through nights and wee morning hours), severe writers' blocks (can last for 1 week!), immaturity in thought at some points, not being able to attend cell group because of clashes with class, etc. Throw in the fact that I've not been the most angelic of people, with my fair share of horrendous behaviour and unfaithfulness to God. I really had to depend on God to pull me through it all.

With that, i can only say: God, You amaze me.

I just feel that it's appropriate to post this poem by Carol Wimmer here. It really touched my heart when i first read it through an email sent to me. Here we go...:

WHEN I SAY, "I AM A CHRISTIAN" by Carol Wimmer

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

I returned home after a chinese new year dinner at a family friend's home and promptly konked out on my bed while waiting for the shower heater to heat up the water. As i was dozing away, i suddenly began to hear music coming from my radio (i think it was some guitar music from one of my intrumental CDs) and then i saw my dad was sitting at the foot of my bed and he said to me: "Mm, this is quite a nice way to relax after a day..."

I then thought: "Hm, odd..." (because the scene was kinda fuzzy) and then i proceeded to ask my dad: "Do you exist?" (HAHA, what a question) And then i reached out for his foot to see if it was actually solid and whether it was real to the touch. As i pulled on his toe, his leg started ELONGATING! Like, stretching as i pulled!

It was then when my mind registered "I am dreaming", and for some reason, my body began to try to wake up from slumber. I felt my eyes struggling to flit open (they were opening and closing repeatedly), the lids were heavy and my mind seemed like it was zooming out from the dark realm of dreams to reality as we know it. I felt tingling in my right fingers, which were the fingers that were "pulling my dad's toe". I think they were the first body parts that were awakening.

It was such a strange experience because most of the time, we tend to wake up naturally, a smooth transition from unconsciousness to consciousness, such that we don't find ourselves struggling to wake up. But through this experience, i found that i was actually conscious of the process of waking up.

Ha. Like i've always said, somehow my body knows when i need to wake up to bath, brush my teeth, etc. I usually don't sleep right through to the morning when my body knows that I've not done my usual cleansing regime before i retire for the night. Somehow, it'll wake up on its own.

***

Last night, my dad, mom, Jed the dog and i came home from our 4+km walk-a-jog and then had a nice steamboat dinner together. Seeing that Jed had a share of exercise and that he was begging for food, my mom/dad said, "can we at least give him some vegetables to eat? He must be hungry." (he is allowed only one meal a day)

And then just as s/he finished that sentence, a few stalks of raw vegetables fell from the basket that was containing it, onto the table top and onto the floor (where Jed could get it).

Odd huh? *chuckle*

YARRRRRKKKKKKKKKK!

Jo prints out set of songs for BACC.

Jo notices that text is all smudged out on the first page. Jo notices that there is black and red smeared all over paper.

Jo also notices something long and black that is twitching on its own on the piece of paper.

Jo assesses long twitching thing.

Jo realizes with horror that it is a SEVERED LIZARD TAIL SOAKED WITH BLACK INK twitching on her paper.

JO IS $$#^%&^%&% HORRIFIED.

Jo turns second piece of paper around and finds the MANGLED, TORN AND DISTORTED BODY LUMP OF THE LIZARD STUCK BEHIND THE SHEET OF PAPER, PRINTED WITH BLACK STREAKS BY THE PRINTER.

Jo's hand was dangerously near the mangled, torn and distorted lizard body lump.

JO IS SO GROSSED OUT SHE HURRIEDLY CRUSHES UP PAPERS AND TOSSES THEM INTO A PLASTIC BAG.

JO WOULD'VE TAKEN PICTURES TO GROSS YOU OUT TOO IF SHE WASN'T THAT GROSSED OUT HERSELF.

Printer exploration gone wrong for Mr Lizard.

Retarded Lizard!!!

My system is reeling. Head's giddy. My ears are hearing the world, muffled, by the temporary loss of the ability to pick up certain frequencies. The roots of my teeth are aching.

First it was the electric guitar. We all had to yell for the volume to be turned down. Then the drumset took over the electric guit.

I felt as though my ears were about to burst and bleed.

I had ear plugs on whenever i could use them which was really good, but had to remove them now and then to know what i was playing. (them change of keys! Rah...) And i really got killed man, i tell you. It's no fun standing next a highly utilized drumset in a sound proof room.

Feeling a bit ill now. :o(

***

I really wonder what goes on deep in the recesses of my grey matter. It's quite a wonder how that squishy bulby lump of pulp we call a brain is pretty much the mastermind of most of our functions. Some say our existence transcends that of the physical but that's another debate and discussion altogether.

So i would very much like to know what my brain does when i'm asleep, because for some unfathomable reason it has a tendency to make me dream of people who are no longer in my life. (as in, those who aren't actively interacting with me presently)

Recently, i dreamt of... meh. The-one-before. And the odd thing is that i don't think of the said person often. This isn't the first time of course, and in each dream, it's always like we're back as friends, on talking terms (we're not, at the moment), and friends who are well aware of the history we had before. It's all very strange. I'd be able to see his face very clearly, and the conversations we'd have are always logical, i.e. very undreamlike. So real at times, that i can even hear his voice, true to the genuine thing.

Then there's another person, our previous domestic helper who left due to very troubling circumstances. Every time i dream about her, it's always the same story: She returns to our home and wants to work for us again. Despite the problems that revealed themselves when she took off which left our family in shock, we'd always take her back in. And every time in my dream i would tell her, "You know, in my dreams, i've always dreamt that you'll come back."
And while i look at her as she sits speechless but glad to be back in her room, i inwardly feel as though everything is as it should be.

A dream in a dream, where in my dream i talk about my dream.