I could have been born anywhere in this world. I could have been born in poverty, or a place where the news of Jesus has not been reached. I could have been born into a rich family, or a messed up family, rich or poor or average.

But God put me here. I know what comfort is. I also know pain. I know who God is because of my upbringing and being in a community that has helped lead me in my walk with God. I may not be in the most perfect situation, as there are always worst, or better.

And I see, that i have much to be thankful for. I don't know the whole picture, but there must be reasons for me to be here and not somewhere else. And that's comforting to know. :)

Grumpy at having to wake up early, grumpy that i was running late because i woke up late and had to ensure that the dog was fed, leaving the house later than i should have, knowing that I was going to be inevitably late for the first day at a workshop at the office, meant that I was not in the best of moods.

So happened that i had also chosen to try a new bus route to work in hope that it would be shorter than my usual 1 hour 15 min route.

As the bus pulled into the road with my designated bus stop, as i was unsure of the route, i hesitated and didn't press the "Stop" button. And i was like, "ARGH! Now i have to spend more time figuring out how to get back! Am i going to be late!". I stared out the window in utter despair watching my bus stop pass right on by...

But wait! HANG ON!

For some unfathomable reason and without warning, the bus was already halfway past the stop when the bus driver suddenly swung the bus into the bus bay and stopped with a considerable jerk. Good thing it wasn't crowded or you'd have a bunch of rather disgruntled passengers.

I figured the driver thought that someone at the bus stop wanted to board. But not a soul did.

This took me by surprise, but at that moment it occurred to me that i should be getting off. So i sheepishly pressed the button to let the driver open the back door for me to alight and i hopped off as silently as i could.

The strange thing was, i thought i saw a caucasian lady at the stop who looked like she wanted to board the bus, But when i got off, she was nowhere to be seen.

I messaged Gem to tell him what happened and he said, "haha, maybe the bus driver was possessed by the Holy Spirit and stopped the bus...". You know, i might jolly well agree.

I saw God's grace that morning... and then remembered how it started. Remember miss grumpalofogus earlier that morning? Well, i did leave my home grumpy, but when i was waiting for the bus, i just started to thank the Lord for the beautiful morning, my able body (you know, to run across, uh, i mean jaywalk), and for just every thing that i had in my life. I also started to sing, in my head, a praise song that we've been playing in church recently. I'm glad i chose to change the way i started my day. From a heart of unrest, to a heart of praise and thanksgiving.

It's these funny little instances that God tells me that he knows his daughter needs a hand, and extends it down to her. I love it that He shows me He cares in my everyday living. :) God shows up beyond just church, for sure. It also goes to show and remind me again that God is in control all the time, and that He can always turn a bad situation around for good, and when i share about it, it's for His Glory.

It was funny how on a sunday morning when i was suppose to be watching Inception and getting my brain all twisted up with Gem, i landed up pretty much all alone with nothing urgent to do sitting at the Food Basement @ 313.

The taglines stuck on decals on the walls surrounding me read: 'Food to Go for People on the Go'.
And I was going nowhere.

In those moments, two things happened. One, i had time to sit and talk to God and pray. Which was such an irony. I was more free being out than i would be if i were sitting at home. Two, a family that descended on the seats next to me really blessed me. Not that they did anything to or for me. All they did was, BE a family. From the way parents spoke to the children, and children to parents, you could tell that there is love in the home and mutual respect for one another.

Though i was either looking straight ahead (of course sometimes secretly glancing at the children from the corner of my eyes) or having my eyes closed, i was smiling inside.

I read an article today in Shape magazine and was stoked over this term: ethnobotanist. An Ethnobotanist is a scientist who studies how people use plants. So in the pages that followed, there were suggestions on how to make home remedies for ailments that can be treated with the medicinal properties in plants.

This just sparked in me a few things.

WHAT?! THERE'S SUCH A THING?!?!?! WHY DIDN'T I KNOW? I'D HAVE GONE AND LEFT AND STUDIED THIS! (and of course, get out of Singapore's boring, boring pool of occupations and university courses)

Okay, well, yes the above and...

1) Passion

Yesterday, mum asked me: "what is your passion?"
I answered: Animals.

On hindsight, i should have said "nature". I love nature. It calms and fascinates me. Brings me close to God. Nature is insane. That is, insanely creative, ingenious, overwhelming, encompassing, unified.

2) "Aromatherapy" (i use this term loosely) and other natural remedies isn't Evil

I disagree with the belief that using plants for healing and recovery is something that is "not from God", as some people may say.

Think about this for a moment. The very ingredients that modern medicine is derived from are cultivated from natural elements --> Plants/Organisms. Who created plants and organisms? God. So if Christians can see medicine as one way that God helps man to heal from sickness, why not plants?

After all, God CREATED these very plants to have their medicinal properties. He basically provided His children on Earth with, i quote Shape magazine, "an all-in-one living supermarket, pharmacy and home improvement centre". God is an extravagant God. He blessed us with nature and all it has to offer, for our benefit. And it isn't just for the pretty view.

So, it isn't as airy fairy or as "new age" as it's made out to be. As long as we know who created all of these, and thank Him, the One who provided.

(Back to Passion. I love things to do with health. beauty. i'm vain, told ya! but i share good tips too!. sports. music. food and cooking.)
(so what am i doing being a counsellor to humans? well... That's God's doing. :) it's the passion to follow His will even though it scares me BAD. i always have thoughts of running away. But there's something i heard recently: fear is used by satan to stop us from doing God's will because he doesn't want us going where we should. so how? Lean on God, His love (God is Love, yo.). And as the wise book says, there is no fear in love.

Yet, the truth is. I always had this feeling that being a counsellor is my calling for this season, but may not necessarily be so for the rest of my life. I don't know if people have heard me, but when i share my testimony of why i'm in this profession, i always add, "I definitely know that this is what God wants for me to do, for now."

There, i said it in black and white.

Last saturday, i was out of the house and trying to get to church on time. I had about 40min to get there but being a saturday, the buses usually take longer to come. I was running late because i had cooked and packed my own lunch for the day.

I had 2 options to get to church. On the same side of the road, i could wait for 92 which can take as long as 15 minutes to show up. Or, i could cross over to hop onto the 61. Which also takes ages to turn up, similarly, more so on saturdays. Weekend off peak kind of timings.

I refused to take a cab (unnecessary $ spent) and for someone with little time to waste, it was a gamble. Very often in the past, when i chose to cross over, i would see the 92 bus trundling along on the side that i had just forsaken and i'd mutter and grumble at Murphy for his stupid but ever so true, law of everything-that-can-go-wrong, will.

This time however, i turned to God. It was like a revelation. D'oh. God is all knowing, isn't He? Why didn't i think of this earlier.

Jo: *huffpuff*anxious* Okay God. Do you think you could tell me which bus will come first?
God: This side. 92 will come first.
Jo: *concurs*seems to get the same sense as well*

Meanwhile... Jo keeps swinging head looking back and forth to both ends of the roads. 92? 61? 92? 61? Come. ON! Time was ticking by.

And it's impossible to climb over the bridge and sprint in time to catch the bus on the other side. Especially in your saturday church best.

Boy, was i anxious. If you could see me, i looked like a very nervous meerkat.

Jo: *thinks* Come on! Either bus doesn't seem to be coming... (Roads looking devoid of either)
God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: But this is like, what if 92 doesn't come? Then it would be like, sheesh, that voice was just me talking to myself... I'm scared of that happening cos i want to know that it was you talking to me.
God: 92 will come first. It will.
Jo: Okay... *somehow feet stays implanted onto the ground*

Still swinging head back and forth looking at the roads.

10-15 minutes had already passed. Why do both roads look so empty?

God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: I do... Uh... But... (inside i was like, YEAH RIGHT?! You behaving like this doesn't seem to tell God that you do! But i can't help it...)

And guess what.

92 came. Spot on, with the contender bus 61 nary in sight.

And i got to church on time.

God, you ROCK. And you're pretty funny. And merciful to your silly daughter...

I need to practice hearing you better, Father.

In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

What an experience it was at today's service's worship time. First, it's the first time i'm being accompanied by the synthesizer, and second, i've never had my pastor come up to me to tell me to play out...

We were having a time of free worship after the New Doxology song, and she came up on stage to come alongside me. I knew she wanted to tell me something but my hands were busy on the keys. It was quite amusing to me how she had to gingerly lift my long hair away from my right ear to try to speak to me. I took a moment to pause and remove my in-ears and she told me, "play out a Song of Beauty" and she said "play out... you're holding back"

Boy, i was scared. I mean, what? Me? You mean i have free reign over my chords? Wouldn't i be sidelining the rest of the band since i would be launching into my own tune? And then another part of me was saying: C'mon! This is it! You've always wanted to break out from prescribed progressions, now you can break out into anything!

More so though, i was hesitant about something so new and bold, but i heeded my leader's encouragement and went for it. I just played whatever i thought i should. Whatever the Holy Spirit led me to. On hindsight, i WAS SO GLAD it was in a familiar key, Key of G with just one sharp (F#). Haha.

There were moments when a song of beauty was released, and there was another moment when I distinctively felt God asking me to play C and B repeatedly, as a resounding call saying, "Children, Children". Like He was singing out and calling us. And then the other notes was Him saying, "Hear me. I love you, I love you". At one point, our worship leader J also started to sing out God's message to us.

I could hear my heartbeat thumping fast and loudly in my ears (cos the in-ears closed out other noises) because i was so nervous and hesitant... I wasn't sure what the next chord was suppose to be. I know i hit some weird chords when i meant to play something else.

But i tried... Tuning in my "antenna" as best as i could to the Lord and to play accordingly. As i was playing, i remembered L's card that she gave to me almost exactly one year ago at this time... She wrote, "You paint God's heart with sounds" (27th June 2009) Talk about prophetic, huh? :DDD

I don't remember everything i played, but i remember the single notes on my right hand that was expressing what God wanted to say. I remember those moments to be quite intense for me, trying to tune in to God and figuring what notes i was suppose to hit. I remember being at a lost at what to do next and having to fully depend on the Holy Spirit to lead. I guess that's the way it goes, yeah?

During the debrief session, i was thoroughly encouraged by my ministry mates and was also nudged on to be more bold to play out. After the debrief session, YS came up to me to share of a vision he saw during that free worship time. He told me that as I played out, he saw a painting beginning to form, a painting of a picture that depicted all the beautiful things of God. I was so blessed. :) A Song of Beauty indeed! Though he also said that i could afford to be less hesitant.

I feel like i could've done so much more though i don't really know how to (some of you were spot on, that i was hesitant). Whatever it is, whatever that happened tonight, I give all glory to Father God.

There certainly were limitations on my part and I couldn't have played much without His leading. I just did my best, His song tinkling in my spirit to be released into the physical.

Thank You God. More of this, please? Teach me how!

Yesterday, "church" was so different for me.

I can honestly say that for a while now, things haven't been as "fruitful" as i would want with respect to ministry (worship/music team) and my personal walk with God. But yesterday was different. And it all started with knowing God's mandate of royalty upon me, and the choice to ACCEPT IT.

One thing i've taken away from the school of supernatural worship speakers is the assurance of WHO I AM, my IDENTITY. That as Christians, we are Royalty. We inherit God's identity, y'know what i mean. Like, THE CREATOR, THE MOST INTELLIGENT BEING WHO EVER EXISTED, THE GOD OF ALL HEAVEN AND EARTH, IS MA DADDEH.

And since He is my DADDEH, who does that make ME? Did you get that? Could it sink in? I'm a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING. YOU, when you believe, ARE ALSO a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING!

And that has changed me, my perception of myself. And domino-ingly, that changes how i worship Him, receive Him and receive all His promises and good gifts.

During worship jam yesterday afternoon, i was playing the keys and of course, it wasn't perfect but i know something in me was different.

I was playing from a heart that knows that, I am WORTHY to give worship to God. Like, GOD SEES ME AS WORTHY TO GIVE HIM WORSHIP. Sure, i'm a little human bean and actually bluntly speaking, a stinking rat and perhaps unspeakably worse by His standards but because Jesus took my place of sinfulness, I am considered completely clean and worthy to be in God's presence (without being struck down dead like in the olden times before Jesus came). It's MY PLACE to worship God, y'know? It's my RIGHT.

I used to worship and still have part of my mind thinking, "I'm no good a person, God won't accept me or my worship, i'm lousy, i'm not liked, He doesn't love me as much as other people..." And though it was a part of my mind, those thoughts took over my WHOLE being. So "worship" became a chore, something painful, something dreadful.

But yesterday, i worshipped and enjoyed it so much because i was FREE! In knowing that there is full acceptance from God! Wow. What a change it brought!

I realized i was tired of the "routine" because i wasn't getting the fullness of what those activities meant. I wasn't immersed in its reality, when i wasn't worshipping like i could. They were, simply just activities, i.e. meaningless.

And i saw a really cool... i don't know... vision story of myself with God? While J was leading worship, He saw us dancing with God... and here's what I personally saw:

I was dancing in a ballroom with God and He was like this white robed figure and i was like a small child. We were twirling and swinging about. I got tired after a while, and i sat down on what looks like a park bench by the side and instead of sitting beside me, Father God knelt in front of me on bended knee, like how a man would when he is asking for his girlfriend's hand in marriage. And i felt like Father God was "laying down his majesty and his heart" just to romance my heart again, for me to love Him again and follow after Him.

As we continued to worship, I saw Father God and I started to dance again and this time, we were twirling so hard round and round that i literally FLEW UP INTO THE AIR (woah lao eh!) and my hands left His and i was left thrown up into the air and started falling down again... And that's when God caught me in his hands and help me high up, I looked down into his face and there was SO. MUCH. LOVE. Like. There was silence between us, but in His eyes, there was adoration. Like how a mother would look at a baby with loving eyes.

When i saw this, I started to sob in the room and i was so glad that i brought tissue this time. Thank God for the awesome water resistant Bobbi Brown eye liner and almost budge-proof Majorlica Marjorca mascara man...

During worship, amazing words were shared. That God wanted to give us and assure us of His promises (for me, that would be my identity in Him!), that God wanted to GIVE so much to us today and that all we needed to do was to trade in our faith (the currency) for whatever gifts he would give to us. The visions shared were that we were being given a key to unlock His storehouse (WHAO!) and another one that was cute was of Jesus pushing a cart selling different kinds of bottled water. Thanks C and J were releasing those words. They were amazing. Oh, but hold on there's more.

The sermon was on honouring as the key to receiving (Matthew 10:40-42). It's a teaching about how if we receive someone (in this context, it means: to honour/to have a friendship with someone who has certain giftings from God), we can receive the giftings of that person as well. And you know how we ended? Pastor J shared her annointing with all the youth leaders, and after that, all who wanted to receive spiritual gifts could approach the leaders to be prayed for. You know, it was such a continuation from the worship session before our sermon... God was just releasing all His gifts to His children, all those who wanted it, generously! Just like the storehouse/Jesus selling water visions!

After being prayed for by a particular leader and friend, i sat there and i was so amused... At how the scene before me was really us just "shopping" (remember Jesus's cart of bottled water?) for our desired gifts from Father God. It was so amazing. I was so blessed.

Thank You God. And a Happy Father's Day. You probably had it all planned already... You are so cheeky!

On Jan 17th, i wrote about how God led me to choose Fatherhood as my dissertation topic and how opporunities started to unfold before me. Do you remember?

Well... God keeps making my jaw drop over and over again.

This week when i went to my practicum site, big boss introduced me to a YEAR LONG Fathering workshop that we'll be conducting with some major social services ministries/bodies in Singapore. My brain was popping FIREWORKS, i tell you.

Why?

Firstly, MY practicum site is taking charge leh! So i don't need to go through any other organizations, cutting down on the red tape.

Secondly, the time frame of the workshop coincides with the time frame of my dissertation. Usually, the difficulty in gaining access to a population for research is one of the main bug bears for students doing the research portion for their dissertation/thesis.

Thirdly, when i shared that i was interested in the effects of Fathering on relationships, my boss shared that that was what she was interested in too.

Fourthly, she's HIGHLY supportive of my research though i'm just an intern. She seems to be the kind of person who sees the unpolished gem in people before they even manifest any kind of strengths. When i told her that my supervisor isn't too well versed with Fatherhood, she was like, "Aiya! Learn (directed at the supervisor) together lah!" I wanted to laugh. Her view that people shouldn't just do what's comfortable is admirable. She's super gung-ho man.

Fifthly, there may be a grant involved... Hmm. Not sure how that would work out.

Wow. God. You're amazing. Typing all this out is like the revelation hitting me all over again. Last year i hadn't any idea that this was how things were going to pan out. I'm seeing AGAIN, how God is already chionging ahead, clearing and preparing the path, and assuring me, "Yeah! Follow through! You're going the right way!"

If GOD (hello, the Almighty Creator, no?), tells me that i'm going the right way, then... I SCARED OF WHAT SIA!?!

A long time ago when i was around maybe 5-6 years old i remember being in my church's old sanctuary with my mum and dad one day, before it was renovated. The sanctuary, what it was called back then, was where the adults would go for services.

I remember that incident quite vividly. When the adults were singing with praises and worship to God, i felt a churning in my being. Not the toilet sort of course. For the lack of any better word, my inner being felt "touched" and "inspired", I just felt my insides feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Tears would come and i didn't understand why. But i could draw and write. So i drew an image of something or other, and wrote something with "Jesus" and "Prayer" in it and i remember showing it eagerly to one of my folks.

Looking back, i know now. Being a child, there just wasn't any preconceived ideas, no theology, no debates. Just a clean, untainted slate, open and receptive to God's presence.

And that's how God wants us to be like. To be like little children, coming to Him innocently. With hearts and minds open, clear and totally trusting.

I cannot wait to become a counsellor with a reasonable number of years of experience in the field, to be someone who is more confident, more skilled... Because i really want to help. I realize how much i enjoy the helping process, but the journey to learning to be a better counsellor is certainly painful. And i really mean, painful.

Someone had a word from Father God for me, and that was: Persevere and press on. Your mountain needs to be conquered and you can't conquer it if you don't climb it. You are not alone He is already ahead of you holding the ropes for you and securing it so that you will not fall off the cliff. Only persevere and you will reach the summit.

It's certainly a steep cliff here. And i'm at ground zero. I wish there was an elevator, but it looks like there're no short cuts and i'm going to get some hard knocks climbing up. I just have to trust God that He's got my back in everything that i do and it doesn't matter if i, in my definition, fail and screw up. Because in Him, i've got full insurance and assurance coverage.

weather or not, i believe.

This morning as i look out my window to behold the clear, brilliant blue sky with puffs of white clouds, i'm reminded of God's humour and goodness that i wanted to share...

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and my family was going to spring a BBQ surprise on him with two other families whom we're close to and have known for years. On the surface, i looked fine and even emotionally felt fine. But if you know some thing about me and my family, celebrating his birthday isn't an easy affair deep down inside. But, anyhow...

The weather looked good for the early part of the day, but slowly and surely, the sky started to turn grey... and then the rain came in all its glory the way it has in the recent days in the west side of Singapore. The sky remained dark and grey. It rained for hours. The kind of rain that keeps going on and on and on...

It was quite saddening because firstly, it was our planned surprise (food was prepared by all parties involved), and secondly, we hadn't had a BBQ in a long while. But i decided to just PRAY and TRUST. Truth be told, there were times when i was telling God i trusted him, more to convince myself to trust! As i chopped my garlic and onions and minced up my basil leaves in the kitchen which has a nice big window, i kept praying and asking God for good weather in time for our BBQ.

If you could read my thought bubbles, you'd see things like "God! The plants have already been watered... Enough rain!", "God! PLEASEEEEEE stop the rain!" "Please please please please..." "God, please stop the rain to prove to (X, no names here!) and to me that you are a good and great God!"

Let me tell you, there were times when the rain seemed to lessen and when i got excited, the intensity picked up again. -.-"

So the time came when our friends arrived and i had to collect the BBQ pit keys from the security office. I trudged up with a big ole brolly, slippers slapping into fresh puddles, with thick rain drops drumming down around me. Even the friendly guards were empathetic towards us and gave some advice about how to keep the food sheltered. When i returned to the pit to hand our friends the keys, it was 6pm. They then began to set up the pit with such enthusiasm anyway.

Then the miracle happened.

Between 6 to 6:30pm when i started to squirrel the food downstairs (while sister distracted dad with his new iphone in the room so that he would not know of our disappearances), the rain started to lighten.

I asked God, "God, i'm trusting you for a total stop of the rain!" I cannot explain it, but i just BELIEVED that God would stop the rain though it did not look like it would at all. I felt like a child begging her dad for a toy, but somehow the begging was a happy kind of begging.

I am fully aware of the fact that i'm just a tiny little speck of a human child in the whole of Singapore, let alone the universe, and that asking God for him to stop the rain just for me and my family and friends seems like an arrogant, smartass, self indulgent favour to ask of such a gigantic and all knowing, powerful God. But even so, it was His heart that i trusted.

And at scheduled 6:30-6:40pm when it was time to bring dad down for his surprise, the rain had stopped. Totally.

Not just that. The sky had cleared, the clouds had broken and parted. Once more, blue was back and there was a brillant, orange sunset that was just beginning to spill its orange glow all over. As far as i know, such rich orange sunsets happen only on hot, rainless days.

I felt like God was saying, "Just wait for it... Trust me. I know when's the best time. It will be amusing!"

From just a moment ago when the rain didn't seem like it was going to stop, within a short 30 minutes, it did. And we even had a beautiful sunset. All of us who were there were praising God for the good weather, just in time!

Yes, i may be a small speck asking for weather to stop just for me, for my dad, his friends and for his birthday. From a God.

A huge, unseen, maybe seemingly distant God.
An all intelligent, all powerful, all mighty, all just and righteous Warrior God.
Yet He is also an all loving, all kind, all merciful, Creator God.

Yes, i may still be a speck to many, but my dad and I are not specks to Him. To Him, we are Children. Precious. Loved. Remembered. Cherished.

And it is precisely because God is all that, and more, that makes Him the God I believe in and worth doing so.

I do wonder what yesterday did for X, but i hope that this little episode ministered in a simple and profound way.

Wow. If you remember, i was really upset over a certain person (X) who was, in my opinion, giving me plenty trouble. Simply put, person in authority who might've been able to help me had her hands tied. X is a "big shot", so it's not so easy to change status quo.

I prayed about it very honestly to Father God. You know, just telling Him how i really felt about her and the whole situation. I specifically asked Father for X to take the initiative to opt out. As i was asking God for that, it occured to me that that scenario happening actually seemed very unlikely/impossible.

But i remembered the story of Gideon. Of how Gideon went to war with only 300 men each armed with a trumpet, clay pitcher and a torch against thousands and thousands of enemies, and won it. I mean, who in the world goes to war with a flower pot, a musical instrument and a simple light source?! Much less, WIN it?

Gideon did. Because He had a God more awesome than any million of battle worthy soldiers.
And so do I.

So, i just had faith that my God is a God who works in funny ways which i'll never come up with and He'll make a way for me. So i just did my part: be nice, respectful and do what needed to be done.

Until now, i find it hard to actually realize that God really answered my prayer the exact way I had hoped for, just in the nick of time. A prayer completely answered though it had seemed so unlikely!

A Post for the Girls (+ Cheap Yummehs + Item for Sale!)

Kinda having internal girly giggling right now, because, well, i had a lone ranger girly short evening out with myself (after dinner with Gem) and i don't know where to begin talking about it. Needless to say, there will always be window shopping involved and wishlists being mentally drawn out. Ok, not mentally, i actually made a memo to myself in my phone to remind myself of what i'd like to get once my current stuff (face wash, scrubs, etc) run out. So this post is for the girls. :) Which would apply to most of the people reading here, methinks :)

1) Raffles City

Was walking about the cosmetics/shoes/toiletries department and checking out products from the brands that i favour/hear more about. And i found a couple of gems!

"that girl", Brightening Face Primer, $58:


Decided to drop by the Benefit counter to take a peek at the stuff they have. Usually, i don't have the patience to find out what the products are about. If you notice, Benefit products have a lot of funky names in bold and fancy fonts, but what it is and what it is for is usually not very prominently shown. But this time i had a nice salesgirl answer my query about which ones were their best sellers, and this was one of them, and now i know why!

I must say i was duly impressed. The product came out of the bottle as a pink liquid and went onto my skin just like any other smooth creamy make up cream. After some blending about and having it dry up a little, the imperfections on my hand looked smoothened out (wrinkles) and hidden (freckles): an illusion of perfect skin!

The liquid dried up without feeling oily at all or overly powdery. Altogether, my skin looked evened out and when i compared both hands side by side, i was quite wow-ed. Of course, the skin on the back of my hand is generally smoother than my face so the effects of the product was magnified. All in all, i guess if you prefer light make up, this would actually go very well on its own, OR, with a little foundation after the primer. I don't know how it will look like on blemished skin though. But i think if your skin is average-ish, then this might be good! Of course, do sample it first. I don't know if sensitive skin can take it.

Clarins UV Plus Protective Day Screen, $70 (gulp!):

What i look for in sunscreens is that it should not be thick and pasty, should not leave an odd white film on my face, should feel light and natural on the skin. This pretty much did the trick. It was lightweight and didn't have that gross pasty white residue. It didn't dry up as a powder, so it did leave the skin feeling a little moist. All in all, pretty decent. Pricey though. Eeks.








2) Blogshop: Lilies of the Field

LET ME SCREEAMM: AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY LOVE THE DRESSES THAT I'VE JUST PURCHASED FROM THEM!

Found out about this blogshop from another person's blog that i've been reading. I found the website to be pretty decent: pleasant, neat, tastefully set up, and there was effort put into the photography of the items on the model (who has a really nice figure without looking malnourished!) So, i chanced upon two lovely dresses from their latest collection.

They fit me to a T! AUGGHHH! Happiness.

This one was the one i fell in love with immediately when i saw it. It's a lace overlay CNY-ish dress in purple. It was initially "pending" (meaning stock was all fully "choped" but not paid for yet by potential buyers). So the seller said that if anyone backs out from the sale, she'll let me have a piece. I was quite sad that i couldn't secure one for sure. Was at my desk the other day when i prayed and ask God for it... You know, just innocently so like a little kid. Heehee. To my utmost GLEE, when i met the seller today to collect my items, i peered into the brown paper bag and caught a glimpse of the shiny purple fabric inside. I was SO happy, you can't imagine. THANK YOU PAPA GOD. :DDDDDD *beam* I'm his girly plus chor lor daughter who is just starting to appreciate dresses.

Ok, tummy is bulging a bit here from a yummy dinner i had with Gem earlier. Char siew and siew yoke rice, with the shop's awesome gravy and chilli. He gets all the good food lobangs from his friends and he brings me there to try. So far all the recommendations have been great!

This was the sleeveless structured dress, another one that i allowed myself to purchase.

















NOTE: I have a size S lace overlay cheongsam (in champagne) (click on the link, scroll down the page and you'll see the model wearing it. The image's colour does not show the true colour. In real life, the colour is beige-ish and not silver) that i'm willing to let go of because while most of the dress fits me, the shoulder part doesn't because of my broad shoulders (dang, should've bought M instead!). My shoulders stretch the fabric a bit so it looks quite strange on me. To be honest, the workmanship is so-so, but it is definitely wearable. It would be a waste if no one wants it. I'm good selling it off slightly cheaper than the price i bought it at ($30).

Measurements of dress: Point to Point 14" to 16", Down 33"

**ok, end of girly ramblings**

Remember the char siew rice i was talking about?

The stall name is: New Rong Liang Cantonese Roast Duck (...) Soup. Sorry, i cannot read it either and can't remember the full name. It's quite a mouthful. This was where Gem brought me on our latest food trip. It's situated in a dingy below-building-void-deck kind of coffee shop. The building is directly behind Iluma, at Bugis. Oh... for the love of char siew, siew yoke, duck meat, laap cheong, gravy and chilli. It is YUMS.

And get this. A decent plate of char siew rice is only $2. Char siew with siew yoke rice is $2.50. No wonder there was a good queue when we got there.

Before i left his study room, dad was telling me that his laser pointer cum powerpoint slides changer (when you press a button) that has been with him for years no longer works. He was a little sad because he was going to have a presentation the next day and no matter what he did, the little device couldn't come back to life. It had well and truly croaked.

I left the room and was doing stuff at my comp when after about 10-15 minutes, dad came by my room entrance and excitely exclaimed, "JO! I'm SO excited!"

"What? Why?"

With a big ole bright grin and waving the pointer about in his fist, he said, "I held the pointer in my hand and said, in JESUS' NAME, IT. SHALL. WORK.! And then i turned it on and... it WORKS!!!!!"

Apparently, Jesus saves/heals electronic devices too. He's quite tech sav(e)vy, huh? :p

We're all so STOKED because the project is taking off, and seems to have started on a good note!

It's not our project. It's God's project. And I must not forget that.

"weighty" issues

As you can see. Huge long list of sports events for this year on the right. :) I shall pick and choose the ones i think are do-able for me. Ragh, i can't help it but rest assured that i will pick the ones my body can handle. I want to do my sport(s) for life and not kill my body too soon and have it cut short.

Since last year, i've been toying with the idea of doing duathlons and mini triathlons to branch out from just plain running, but getting a bike is too expensive for me at the moment and keeping it in good condition requires time to maintain (from observing my sister who's into triathlons). We'll see how it'll work out.

Speaking about health and sports. Recently, my weight has been something of a topic for people who've not seen me in a while. Actually, even those who've been seeing me relatively often have noticed that i've shrunk somewhat. Some people said i looked "gaunt", some said i looked "nice what", some said i looked like "skin and bones" (haha... you know who you are! :P), some said i looked "unhealthy".

I don't really know how to respond to their surprised questions and comments, except to cursorily name one of the few reasons that explain what they see. It got me thinking about what started this whole continuous weight loss. Though i can assure you that i am not anorexic or bulimic, because i love food too much to be! Long story ahead...

It all began when i developed mild IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) during my undergraduate days. My doc said there is no distinct cause for it, though it is most likely due to my lifestyle. At that time, i was stressed most of the time from school and stress is apparently one of the lifestyle related causes for IBS.

Since there was no specific cause, he could only treat the symptoms. So he got me started on establishing good toilet habits. I learnt that i had to avoid certain foods as well because they made me bloat up. I underwent treatment with medication, fibre supplements and even laxatives. Within the few months of treatment, my doc said i had lost a bit of weight. (Ragh, because carbohydrates was one of the things i had to avoid due to bloating)

Things definitely got better in about 4-5 months, with less bloating. But not without being extra careful about my diet. Back then, my concerns were what i put into my mouth. Today, it has developed into a careful monitoring of what i eat, when i eat (time of the day), HOW i eat (i realized that taking more time to eat slowly and chewing my food thoroughly before swallowing eases the job of my digestive tract, less bloatedness), even.

As a zealot-runner, i took part in regular running events. But it was this one sports expo that i went to when i went to collect my Standard Chartered race pack that knocked some reality into me. I stopped by a Cali Fitness booth and did a body composition test, just for the fun of it. And to my ultimate shock, i was informed that at my size at that time (i had always considered myself healthy and even slim-ish!) i was close to being overweight.

My fat content was apparently quite high, which i didn't expect at all. I can't remember which year it was when i found out. But together with that bit of info, plus in 2007 when i put on 3kg SUDDENLY for NO apparent reason after my 21km Standard Chart race (weight ballooned to 58.5kg), i decided that i really needed to lose the weight.

So one day when i stepped on the scales, i prayed. I asked God, "God, i need to lose the weight to get to my ideal weight of 50-51kg. Can you help me, can you partner with me on this? We'll do this together."

I'm serious! I prayed to Father God to help me lose weight. I'm sure He does care about that too to help me! So, guys and girls, you now know what to do if you need help in this area ok.

So of course then came the decision to start making changes to live healthier. CY calls me a health freak in mock disgust though he's one himself! Hur. Well, what did healthier living mean for me? I lived and still live by these mantras:

1) Always pick food that will give NUTRITION. Meaning, i MUST get my fix of proteins, fibre and carbohydrates in my meal (try as far as possible though it's hard when you're eating out). Don't get things that give you calories but yet does not give you nutrition. For instance, potato chips, certain biscuits, doughnuts, etc. These are empty calories.

2) Avoid processed food as far as possible. Eg. i avoid cakes, soft/can drinks, biscuits that i think do not contribute to my health. But... (see point 3)

3) Yet, if something is really good (even if processed AND unhealthy), i WOULD eat it. Hence, I use my daily calorie intake only on food that is worth eating (i learnt this important lesson from a doctor who writes the famous local food blog: ieatishootipost.blogspot.com). Meaning, if the food i'm eating is yucky and/or unhealthy, i won't force myself to eat/buy it just so that i will have something to eat. If something is not worth eating, don't. So yes, i do eat stuff like fried pork lard. Heh. YUMMEH. Because it tastes good to me and it's something i won't regret eating. Which brings me to point 4...

4) Diet is a huge portion of what makes you physically. Hence, "you are what you eat". But like me, if you've eaten stuff you KNOW don't quite score well (PORK LARD!) in the health department, then you need to work it off.

5) When i eat, i don't gobble. When you eat slowly, you'll realize how little food you really need in order to feel full. If you gobble a lot in a short time, you'll realize later on how full you made yourself to be. Whereas when you take a longer time to eat (and hence eat less), your body has enough time to tell the brain that you are full. Less food eaten = less excess calories.

6) Fullness: I eat till i'm just about right or slightly less than just about right. I used to think this was torment! I mean, hello, i LOVE food so if i did this, i would be eating so little!!! But when i didn't heed this, i suffered a lot of bloating which over time i realized was very uncomfortable, so i've learnt to listen to my body and just practice this. I'm now benefiting from this, thankfully.

I realized when i followed these points, it all came together to help me manage my diet, weight and health (IBS) overall. Of course, i was also accountable to God in that i wanted to take care of His temple (my body) and to make sure that i didn't go overboard with the weight loss and have it turn into something pathological. Honestly, there were times when losing the weight was so important that i would do and think really stupid things. So i would have to refocus and remember that i was doing this for my overall health and not to achieve a number on the scale.

There are other things, like stress from school (NIE ah... tsk tsk) and personal life, my busy schedule that sometimes forces me to eat only light meals, my "shrunken stomach" (i feel full with just a bit of food... quite annoying and also amusing lor cos i love to eat at mega buffets like the one called The Carousel), that have also contributed.

Anyway. This has been a rather long post after allowing myself to recollect the whole journey. So after 4-5 years of living this way, i've slowly lost the weight and i'm now at a healthy average of 51-52kg.

Come to think of it, losing 6-7 kg in 2 years (from 2008 when weight was 58.5kg after the 21km run) is actually a long and gradual process (think: it's losing a tiny 67grams a week *chuckle*). Which i guess is healthy weight loss. I'm hoping that the changes to my physical body is deep (cardiovascular improvement, better metabolic rate, etc), rather than on the surface like how it is with crash diets.

This post was pretty much about the eating and food part of living healthily. Maybe i'll talk about my sports regime some other time. :)

Fatherhood

Some time last year, i asked God: "What topic should i do for my dissertation?"

And i felt God say: "Fatherhood".

My initial reaction was: "Ok, duh, God, that was a no brainer... So typical!" But i decided to believe that that was what God wanted me to do, so i've kept it in mind to look out for anything to do with fatherhood so that i could use the resources. And also... hopefully yo find a place that would allow me to carry out my data collection.

Strangely enough in the months that came, i began to see posters/email notices related to events that are trying to bring fathers together with their children, an article in the newspaper about father-children relationships, societies and groups stepping up to make fathers more aware of their roles in the family, their importance in their children's' lives. I even saw an MCYS grant being offered for people interested to carry out studies on family related issues.

Recently, when my classmate found out that i was not doing my dissertation this semester and would therefore not graduate at the same time as him, he tried to persuade me otherwise. I was told that i could just take it easy, don't take on a topic too big for myself, just do something simple and it can easily be done. A part of me wanted to give in, to maybe change my mind and take up his advice. But somehow, i felt that firstly, i don't think i will be able to handle the dissertation and i did after all make this decision to prolong for another semester for good reason, and secondly, i felt that since God wanted me to DO this, then i will NOT be swayed.

As if to drive in His divine point... On watch night service (church service on the 31st of december 2009), our senior pastor focused all our prayers on something that he felt weighed very strongly on his heart, and it was PRAYING FOR FAMILIES and for FATHERS/MEN TO RISE UP. My heart kind of skipped a few beats. And to make it even more blatant, our adult services have begun the new year with a series of sermon teachings on the importance of the role of the father.

I'm completely blown away. Every sermon that i've sat in so far has been difficult for me to listen to, given the family saga that i've been through recently involving my father. I know first hand the kind of raw pain that a father can inflict on his children, and i knew exactly what my pastor was saying and i was nodding in agreement.

Week after week, my jaw drops again at how applicable the sermons are to my dissertation topic and at how more resources for my topic are being made known to me (which i really need as a student needing contacts and resources). Our senior pastor believes that fatherlessness is a big root problem in society today, giving rise to many social problems. That it is time that the hearts of fathers should turn towards their children, and vice versa.

I'm like, "WOW GOD! This cannot be coincidental... this whole slew of stuff coming my way and how my dissertation lands itself at such a time as this. Really helpful for me! Thanks Father God. :)"

I feel like i'm going to be a part of a movement, even if it's just a small part. I'm just wowed at how all this is coming together.

Narnia is freaking awesome. Ok, I'm biased because i love medieval related war scenes (swords! bows! arrows! catapults! chain mail! armour!), horses, mythical animals, animals in general. But as i was saying...

In Prince Caspian, I love it when little Lucy emerges from the forest, steps onto the bridge and faces an army of probably hundreds. She's fearless as she unsheathes her little dagger. She appears all alone till the majestic Aslan comes up from behind to stand beside her.

I just love the image it portrays. Despite facing the odds of 2 is to hundreds, she had placed her complete trust in her hero, the one whom she believes had come to overcome and to save. So much so that she could step out in total confidence to confront grown and war bloodied men with her tiny "letter opener".

It isn't just about what we can do on our own. After all, all we can do is give whatever we've got. We can't go beyond that. What we CAN do however is believe in the One who has the utmost wisdom, power and authority, who will make up for what we lack to help us conquer our challenges.

That is what makes the whole difference.

Breathing a little easier now, now that the assignments have all been handed in. I have just my practicum hours left to clock (ARGH, i still don't know if i'll have enough hours), reports to write as i go along, and session preparations to be done as i think of the intervention plan for each person. It's quite draggy work, but give me this any time, rather than school work man.

I was just thinking of how much work takes up my time such that I am wondering how my involvement in church will be like in future when majority of my life will be consumed by work. I'm hoping that as a counsellor, work stops in the office, but with the way things are right now... I'm suspecting that reports will eat into personal time, which isn't the way i want to live!

I caught myself thinking a while ago, whether i can skip this and skip that and just go for service only. It was then when I pretty much realized that you know, it's because i am around in church a lot that keeps me encouraged because of the friends i meet and the whole atmosphere of being in the presence of like minded people. This isn't to say that God doesn't exist outside of church, nor does it mean that my Christian walk ceases to exist once i step out of church.

But what i DO realize as part of REALITY, is that if i become too busy, and church and Christian living is relegated to a trip to church for 2 hours out from the whole week, i am likely to go down the slippery slope of being a sunday Christian. A Christian in name only, with just a hollow heart. Honest.

That was when it DAWNED on me... why, it's so important to have some form of commitment to a ministry(s), where I am accountable to people and there will be at least two or three people who will care enough about me to check up on me now and then. (Ok, i'm thankful that i can think of at least three. Which reminds me. Have I ever bothered about those who haven't been showing up? I think i tend to take the stance that they don't want to be bothered, so i in turn don't bother them...)

It's important to have people check up on you to see if you're still alive, whether you've died from being blown up in the kitchen or something like that, but it's even more essential that there are people who will ask how you're doing, not judge/scold you about why you've not been around and will even ask if there's anything that they can pray for you for. Those people are so precious and far and few in between.

Then again, i'm glad that what i am choosing to do with my life is something i knew God has planned for me to do. And with that, i know that i cannot do it without Him, i know that i will always be relying on Him to guide me and to bring me through. Which helps me keep close in step with Him. By default.

But still, i may fall into the trap of treating God like a genie, and though I toil with and for Him, I may still lose sight of the purpose of the journey every now and then, right?

Which brings me back to full circle. I need to be kept active in my ministry and guard my walk with Jesus like freaking jealously.

I typed out an email telling my pastor that I am unable to go to Maliana for the mission trip this december. I had tears in my eyes as i finished typing out the email. It is due to school, finances, due to family issues, that made me sigh and decide that I could not afford to go.

Maliana (in East Timor) was my very first mission trip destination, and that place and the children there have a very deep and special place in my heart.

I was about to click on "send". But something in my heart pulled back and i just clicked on "save now". I don't know when that email will be sent.

God, is this you telling me to go, is this me being reluctant to allow you to make a way for me? Or is this just a fact of life that I have to give this one a miss again?