Grumpy at having to wake up early, grumpy that i was running late because i woke up late and had to ensure that the dog was fed, leaving the house later than i should have, knowing that I was going to be inevitably late for the first day at a workshop at the office, meant that I was not in the best of moods.

So happened that i had also chosen to try a new bus route to work in hope that it would be shorter than my usual 1 hour 15 min route.

As the bus pulled into the road with my designated bus stop, as i was unsure of the route, i hesitated and didn't press the "Stop" button. And i was like, "ARGH! Now i have to spend more time figuring out how to get back! Am i going to be late!". I stared out the window in utter despair watching my bus stop pass right on by...

But wait! HANG ON!

For some unfathomable reason and without warning, the bus was already halfway past the stop when the bus driver suddenly swung the bus into the bus bay and stopped with a considerable jerk. Good thing it wasn't crowded or you'd have a bunch of rather disgruntled passengers.

I figured the driver thought that someone at the bus stop wanted to board. But not a soul did.

This took me by surprise, but at that moment it occurred to me that i should be getting off. So i sheepishly pressed the button to let the driver open the back door for me to alight and i hopped off as silently as i could.

The strange thing was, i thought i saw a caucasian lady at the stop who looked like she wanted to board the bus, But when i got off, she was nowhere to be seen.

I messaged Gem to tell him what happened and he said, "haha, maybe the bus driver was possessed by the Holy Spirit and stopped the bus...". You know, i might jolly well agree.

I saw God's grace that morning... and then remembered how it started. Remember miss grumpalofogus earlier that morning? Well, i did leave my home grumpy, but when i was waiting for the bus, i just started to thank the Lord for the beautiful morning, my able body (you know, to run across, uh, i mean jaywalk), and for just every thing that i had in my life. I also started to sing, in my head, a praise song that we've been playing in church recently. I'm glad i chose to change the way i started my day. From a heart of unrest, to a heart of praise and thanksgiving.

It's these funny little instances that God tells me that he knows his daughter needs a hand, and extends it down to her. I love it that He shows me He cares in my everyday living. :) God shows up beyond just church, for sure. It also goes to show and remind me again that God is in control all the time, and that He can always turn a bad situation around for good, and when i share about it, it's for His Glory.

Last saturday, i was out of the house and trying to get to church on time. I had about 40min to get there but being a saturday, the buses usually take longer to come. I was running late because i had cooked and packed my own lunch for the day.

I had 2 options to get to church. On the same side of the road, i could wait for 92 which can take as long as 15 minutes to show up. Or, i could cross over to hop onto the 61. Which also takes ages to turn up, similarly, more so on saturdays. Weekend off peak kind of timings.

I refused to take a cab (unnecessary $ spent) and for someone with little time to waste, it was a gamble. Very often in the past, when i chose to cross over, i would see the 92 bus trundling along on the side that i had just forsaken and i'd mutter and grumble at Murphy for his stupid but ever so true, law of everything-that-can-go-wrong, will.

This time however, i turned to God. It was like a revelation. D'oh. God is all knowing, isn't He? Why didn't i think of this earlier.

Jo: *huffpuff*anxious* Okay God. Do you think you could tell me which bus will come first?
God: This side. 92 will come first.
Jo: *concurs*seems to get the same sense as well*

Meanwhile... Jo keeps swinging head looking back and forth to both ends of the roads. 92? 61? 92? 61? Come. ON! Time was ticking by.

And it's impossible to climb over the bridge and sprint in time to catch the bus on the other side. Especially in your saturday church best.

Boy, was i anxious. If you could see me, i looked like a very nervous meerkat.

Jo: *thinks* Come on! Either bus doesn't seem to be coming... (Roads looking devoid of either)
God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: But this is like, what if 92 doesn't come? Then it would be like, sheesh, that voice was just me talking to myself... I'm scared of that happening cos i want to know that it was you talking to me.
God: 92 will come first. It will.
Jo: Okay... *somehow feet stays implanted onto the ground*

Still swinging head back and forth looking at the roads.

10-15 minutes had already passed. Why do both roads look so empty?

God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: I do... Uh... But... (inside i was like, YEAH RIGHT?! You behaving like this doesn't seem to tell God that you do! But i can't help it...)

And guess what.

92 came. Spot on, with the contender bus 61 nary in sight.

And i got to church on time.

God, you ROCK. And you're pretty funny. And merciful to your silly daughter...

I need to practice hearing you better, Father.

Yesterday, "church" was so different for me.

I can honestly say that for a while now, things haven't been as "fruitful" as i would want with respect to ministry (worship/music team) and my personal walk with God. But yesterday was different. And it all started with knowing God's mandate of royalty upon me, and the choice to ACCEPT IT.

One thing i've taken away from the school of supernatural worship speakers is the assurance of WHO I AM, my IDENTITY. That as Christians, we are Royalty. We inherit God's identity, y'know what i mean. Like, THE CREATOR, THE MOST INTELLIGENT BEING WHO EVER EXISTED, THE GOD OF ALL HEAVEN AND EARTH, IS MA DADDEH.

And since He is my DADDEH, who does that make ME? Did you get that? Could it sink in? I'm a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING. YOU, when you believe, ARE ALSO a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING!

And that has changed me, my perception of myself. And domino-ingly, that changes how i worship Him, receive Him and receive all His promises and good gifts.

During worship jam yesterday afternoon, i was playing the keys and of course, it wasn't perfect but i know something in me was different.

I was playing from a heart that knows that, I am WORTHY to give worship to God. Like, GOD SEES ME AS WORTHY TO GIVE HIM WORSHIP. Sure, i'm a little human bean and actually bluntly speaking, a stinking rat and perhaps unspeakably worse by His standards but because Jesus took my place of sinfulness, I am considered completely clean and worthy to be in God's presence (without being struck down dead like in the olden times before Jesus came). It's MY PLACE to worship God, y'know? It's my RIGHT.

I used to worship and still have part of my mind thinking, "I'm no good a person, God won't accept me or my worship, i'm lousy, i'm not liked, He doesn't love me as much as other people..." And though it was a part of my mind, those thoughts took over my WHOLE being. So "worship" became a chore, something painful, something dreadful.

But yesterday, i worshipped and enjoyed it so much because i was FREE! In knowing that there is full acceptance from God! Wow. What a change it brought!

I realized i was tired of the "routine" because i wasn't getting the fullness of what those activities meant. I wasn't immersed in its reality, when i wasn't worshipping like i could. They were, simply just activities, i.e. meaningless.

And i saw a really cool... i don't know... vision story of myself with God? While J was leading worship, He saw us dancing with God... and here's what I personally saw:

I was dancing in a ballroom with God and He was like this white robed figure and i was like a small child. We were twirling and swinging about. I got tired after a while, and i sat down on what looks like a park bench by the side and instead of sitting beside me, Father God knelt in front of me on bended knee, like how a man would when he is asking for his girlfriend's hand in marriage. And i felt like Father God was "laying down his majesty and his heart" just to romance my heart again, for me to love Him again and follow after Him.

As we continued to worship, I saw Father God and I started to dance again and this time, we were twirling so hard round and round that i literally FLEW UP INTO THE AIR (woah lao eh!) and my hands left His and i was left thrown up into the air and started falling down again... And that's when God caught me in his hands and help me high up, I looked down into his face and there was SO. MUCH. LOVE. Like. There was silence between us, but in His eyes, there was adoration. Like how a mother would look at a baby with loving eyes.

When i saw this, I started to sob in the room and i was so glad that i brought tissue this time. Thank God for the awesome water resistant Bobbi Brown eye liner and almost budge-proof Majorlica Marjorca mascara man...

During worship, amazing words were shared. That God wanted to give us and assure us of His promises (for me, that would be my identity in Him!), that God wanted to GIVE so much to us today and that all we needed to do was to trade in our faith (the currency) for whatever gifts he would give to us. The visions shared were that we were being given a key to unlock His storehouse (WHAO!) and another one that was cute was of Jesus pushing a cart selling different kinds of bottled water. Thanks C and J were releasing those words. They were amazing. Oh, but hold on there's more.

The sermon was on honouring as the key to receiving (Matthew 10:40-42). It's a teaching about how if we receive someone (in this context, it means: to honour/to have a friendship with someone who has certain giftings from God), we can receive the giftings of that person as well. And you know how we ended? Pastor J shared her annointing with all the youth leaders, and after that, all who wanted to receive spiritual gifts could approach the leaders to be prayed for. You know, it was such a continuation from the worship session before our sermon... God was just releasing all His gifts to His children, all those who wanted it, generously! Just like the storehouse/Jesus selling water visions!

After being prayed for by a particular leader and friend, i sat there and i was so amused... At how the scene before me was really us just "shopping" (remember Jesus's cart of bottled water?) for our desired gifts from Father God. It was so amazing. I was so blessed.

Thank You God. And a Happy Father's Day. You probably had it all planned already... You are so cheeky!

On Jan 17th, i wrote about how God led me to choose Fatherhood as my dissertation topic and how opporunities started to unfold before me. Do you remember?

Well... God keeps making my jaw drop over and over again.

This week when i went to my practicum site, big boss introduced me to a YEAR LONG Fathering workshop that we'll be conducting with some major social services ministries/bodies in Singapore. My brain was popping FIREWORKS, i tell you.

Why?

Firstly, MY practicum site is taking charge leh! So i don't need to go through any other organizations, cutting down on the red tape.

Secondly, the time frame of the workshop coincides with the time frame of my dissertation. Usually, the difficulty in gaining access to a population for research is one of the main bug bears for students doing the research portion for their dissertation/thesis.

Thirdly, when i shared that i was interested in the effects of Fathering on relationships, my boss shared that that was what she was interested in too.

Fourthly, she's HIGHLY supportive of my research though i'm just an intern. She seems to be the kind of person who sees the unpolished gem in people before they even manifest any kind of strengths. When i told her that my supervisor isn't too well versed with Fatherhood, she was like, "Aiya! Learn (directed at the supervisor) together lah!" I wanted to laugh. Her view that people shouldn't just do what's comfortable is admirable. She's super gung-ho man.

Fifthly, there may be a grant involved... Hmm. Not sure how that would work out.

Wow. God. You're amazing. Typing all this out is like the revelation hitting me all over again. Last year i hadn't any idea that this was how things were going to pan out. I'm seeing AGAIN, how God is already chionging ahead, clearing and preparing the path, and assuring me, "Yeah! Follow through! You're going the right way!"

If GOD (hello, the Almighty Creator, no?), tells me that i'm going the right way, then... I SCARED OF WHAT SIA!?!

HATE paperwork (post counselling report writing). Like, detest.

But... Anyway, with a little help here and there, i'm finding it to be a slightly more positive experience being in the counselling room... I find that having a little confidence (and of course, some priming) helps a big fat deal.

Today, had counselling "overload" in a good way. Lots of case conceptualization training, analyses, learning from others and just talking things out with my counsellor classmate who helped talk me through some of my own knots. Realized, it's quite nice talking to guy friends cos they don't get emotional easily. Sure, there are cons to that part of men (the whole hear-problem-give-solution shebang), but sometimes, all you need is some straight talking guy friend who is sensitive to your worldview but who will also challenge you without having emotions as part of the equation.

Learning curve is like scaling the Devils Tower. But after a day of counsellor-cog-wheel-frenzy, it feels pretty good actually. I think it's because i find myself thinking more in line with other counsellors and i feel as if i'm doing some things right. AT LAST. Need more practice in the counselling room, need dialogue with other experienced counsellors. There's so much to learn and i am lapping it up!

Got home after a long day of being at work and school and looked at my growing pile of clothes that were meant to be hand washed. On other nights, i'd be groaning internally but tonight i decided, "kay, tonight's a good night for some quiet, solitary, brainless activity". So i take my pile of clothes to the washing area and started the whole washing routine. It felt good. Seriously.

Today was a good day. Started pretty darn early, but i was surprisingly "lucid" the whole day despite all the mental acrobatics. On most days, i would've shut down a long time ago.

It must've been mom praying for me throughout the day. Yesterday night, i was grumpy, solemn, stressed, anxious and downright grouchy. So much so that i blurted it out to my mom and she cheerfully said that she would pray for me. Well, looking at the dramatic change in me today, all i can say is, prayer works.

Well. Of course. :)

A long time ago when i was around maybe 5-6 years old i remember being in my church's old sanctuary with my mum and dad one day, before it was renovated. The sanctuary, what it was called back then, was where the adults would go for services.

I remember that incident quite vividly. When the adults were singing with praises and worship to God, i felt a churning in my being. Not the toilet sort of course. For the lack of any better word, my inner being felt "touched" and "inspired", I just felt my insides feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Tears would come and i didn't understand why. But i could draw and write. So i drew an image of something or other, and wrote something with "Jesus" and "Prayer" in it and i remember showing it eagerly to one of my folks.

Looking back, i know now. Being a child, there just wasn't any preconceived ideas, no theology, no debates. Just a clean, untainted slate, open and receptive to God's presence.

And that's how God wants us to be like. To be like little children, coming to Him innocently. With hearts and minds open, clear and totally trusting.

weather or not, i believe.

This morning as i look out my window to behold the clear, brilliant blue sky with puffs of white clouds, i'm reminded of God's humour and goodness that i wanted to share...

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and my family was going to spring a BBQ surprise on him with two other families whom we're close to and have known for years. On the surface, i looked fine and even emotionally felt fine. But if you know some thing about me and my family, celebrating his birthday isn't an easy affair deep down inside. But, anyhow...

The weather looked good for the early part of the day, but slowly and surely, the sky started to turn grey... and then the rain came in all its glory the way it has in the recent days in the west side of Singapore. The sky remained dark and grey. It rained for hours. The kind of rain that keeps going on and on and on...

It was quite saddening because firstly, it was our planned surprise (food was prepared by all parties involved), and secondly, we hadn't had a BBQ in a long while. But i decided to just PRAY and TRUST. Truth be told, there were times when i was telling God i trusted him, more to convince myself to trust! As i chopped my garlic and onions and minced up my basil leaves in the kitchen which has a nice big window, i kept praying and asking God for good weather in time for our BBQ.

If you could read my thought bubbles, you'd see things like "God! The plants have already been watered... Enough rain!", "God! PLEASEEEEEE stop the rain!" "Please please please please..." "God, please stop the rain to prove to (X, no names here!) and to me that you are a good and great God!"

Let me tell you, there were times when the rain seemed to lessen and when i got excited, the intensity picked up again. -.-"

So the time came when our friends arrived and i had to collect the BBQ pit keys from the security office. I trudged up with a big ole brolly, slippers slapping into fresh puddles, with thick rain drops drumming down around me. Even the friendly guards were empathetic towards us and gave some advice about how to keep the food sheltered. When i returned to the pit to hand our friends the keys, it was 6pm. They then began to set up the pit with such enthusiasm anyway.

Then the miracle happened.

Between 6 to 6:30pm when i started to squirrel the food downstairs (while sister distracted dad with his new iphone in the room so that he would not know of our disappearances), the rain started to lighten.

I asked God, "God, i'm trusting you for a total stop of the rain!" I cannot explain it, but i just BELIEVED that God would stop the rain though it did not look like it would at all. I felt like a child begging her dad for a toy, but somehow the begging was a happy kind of begging.

I am fully aware of the fact that i'm just a tiny little speck of a human child in the whole of Singapore, let alone the universe, and that asking God for him to stop the rain just for me and my family and friends seems like an arrogant, smartass, self indulgent favour to ask of such a gigantic and all knowing, powerful God. But even so, it was His heart that i trusted.

And at scheduled 6:30-6:40pm when it was time to bring dad down for his surprise, the rain had stopped. Totally.

Not just that. The sky had cleared, the clouds had broken and parted. Once more, blue was back and there was a brillant, orange sunset that was just beginning to spill its orange glow all over. As far as i know, such rich orange sunsets happen only on hot, rainless days.

I felt like God was saying, "Just wait for it... Trust me. I know when's the best time. It will be amusing!"

From just a moment ago when the rain didn't seem like it was going to stop, within a short 30 minutes, it did. And we even had a beautiful sunset. All of us who were there were praising God for the good weather, just in time!

Yes, i may be a small speck asking for weather to stop just for me, for my dad, his friends and for his birthday. From a God.

A huge, unseen, maybe seemingly distant God.
An all intelligent, all powerful, all mighty, all just and righteous Warrior God.
Yet He is also an all loving, all kind, all merciful, Creator God.

Yes, i may still be a speck to many, but my dad and I are not specks to Him. To Him, we are Children. Precious. Loved. Remembered. Cherished.

And it is precisely because God is all that, and more, that makes Him the God I believe in and worth doing so.

I do wonder what yesterday did for X, but i hope that this little episode ministered in a simple and profound way.

Wow. If you remember, i was really upset over a certain person (X) who was, in my opinion, giving me plenty trouble. Simply put, person in authority who might've been able to help me had her hands tied. X is a "big shot", so it's not so easy to change status quo.

I prayed about it very honestly to Father God. You know, just telling Him how i really felt about her and the whole situation. I specifically asked Father for X to take the initiative to opt out. As i was asking God for that, it occured to me that that scenario happening actually seemed very unlikely/impossible.

But i remembered the story of Gideon. Of how Gideon went to war with only 300 men each armed with a trumpet, clay pitcher and a torch against thousands and thousands of enemies, and won it. I mean, who in the world goes to war with a flower pot, a musical instrument and a simple light source?! Much less, WIN it?

Gideon did. Because He had a God more awesome than any million of battle worthy soldiers.
And so do I.

So, i just had faith that my God is a God who works in funny ways which i'll never come up with and He'll make a way for me. So i just did my part: be nice, respectful and do what needed to be done.

Until now, i find it hard to actually realize that God really answered my prayer the exact way I had hoped for, just in the nick of time. A prayer completely answered though it had seemed so unlikely!

Before i left his study room, dad was telling me that his laser pointer cum powerpoint slides changer (when you press a button) that has been with him for years no longer works. He was a little sad because he was going to have a presentation the next day and no matter what he did, the little device couldn't come back to life. It had well and truly croaked.

I left the room and was doing stuff at my comp when after about 10-15 minutes, dad came by my room entrance and excitely exclaimed, "JO! I'm SO excited!"

"What? Why?"

With a big ole bright grin and waving the pointer about in his fist, he said, "I held the pointer in my hand and said, in JESUS' NAME, IT. SHALL. WORK.! And then i turned it on and... it WORKS!!!!!"

Apparently, Jesus saves/heals electronic devices too. He's quite tech sav(e)vy, huh? :p

We're all so STOKED because the project is taking off, and seems to have started on a good note!

It's not our project. It's God's project. And I must not forget that.

Fatherhood

Some time last year, i asked God: "What topic should i do for my dissertation?"

And i felt God say: "Fatherhood".

My initial reaction was: "Ok, duh, God, that was a no brainer... So typical!" But i decided to believe that that was what God wanted me to do, so i've kept it in mind to look out for anything to do with fatherhood so that i could use the resources. And also... hopefully yo find a place that would allow me to carry out my data collection.

Strangely enough in the months that came, i began to see posters/email notices related to events that are trying to bring fathers together with their children, an article in the newspaper about father-children relationships, societies and groups stepping up to make fathers more aware of their roles in the family, their importance in their children's' lives. I even saw an MCYS grant being offered for people interested to carry out studies on family related issues.

Recently, when my classmate found out that i was not doing my dissertation this semester and would therefore not graduate at the same time as him, he tried to persuade me otherwise. I was told that i could just take it easy, don't take on a topic too big for myself, just do something simple and it can easily be done. A part of me wanted to give in, to maybe change my mind and take up his advice. But somehow, i felt that firstly, i don't think i will be able to handle the dissertation and i did after all make this decision to prolong for another semester for good reason, and secondly, i felt that since God wanted me to DO this, then i will NOT be swayed.

As if to drive in His divine point... On watch night service (church service on the 31st of december 2009), our senior pastor focused all our prayers on something that he felt weighed very strongly on his heart, and it was PRAYING FOR FAMILIES and for FATHERS/MEN TO RISE UP. My heart kind of skipped a few beats. And to make it even more blatant, our adult services have begun the new year with a series of sermon teachings on the importance of the role of the father.

I'm completely blown away. Every sermon that i've sat in so far has been difficult for me to listen to, given the family saga that i've been through recently involving my father. I know first hand the kind of raw pain that a father can inflict on his children, and i knew exactly what my pastor was saying and i was nodding in agreement.

Week after week, my jaw drops again at how applicable the sermons are to my dissertation topic and at how more resources for my topic are being made known to me (which i really need as a student needing contacts and resources). Our senior pastor believes that fatherlessness is a big root problem in society today, giving rise to many social problems. That it is time that the hearts of fathers should turn towards their children, and vice versa.

I'm like, "WOW GOD! This cannot be coincidental... this whole slew of stuff coming my way and how my dissertation lands itself at such a time as this. Really helpful for me! Thanks Father God. :)"

I feel like i'm going to be a part of a movement, even if it's just a small part. I'm just wowed at how all this is coming together.

I've not posted much about thanking God for anything recently, but today i will. :)

I don't usually play the first keys for service, but this saturday i got the chance to, so in addition to my usual synthesizer duties, i could play the first keys aka, piano as well. I'd say that skill wise, i'm not as zhai as my other counterparts. My chord theory is quite basic, and my fingers just aren't as nimble as quick as theirs. Which makes me a better synthesizer player because my fingers don't have to move much and i just need to meddle around with sounds and simple or broken up chords. (though as i've mentioned before i think, i've hated the synthesizer since i was a kid)

Contrary to what the worship team in the congregation/choir said which were a lot of positives, those who were serving today (people with the in-ears) could hear all the boos boos, and somehow today, we just didn't seem as tight as usual. Part of me was fearing that part of the reason was because it was my fault for not being confident enough in my playing, for tending to launch into my own rhythm and tempo, or just not being a good enough musician. Especially since it's not common that i get to play both keys.

But underneath the skill part, i knew that i have not been able to worship at home on the piano as often as i used to due to my crazy schedule these days. So that means that i've not had many opportunities to practice and figure out new ways to play. The piano has sort of become a table of sorts. Quite sad, really. Also, I knew that i was playing with a broken heart... Not broken as in surrendered to God per se, but broken because of whatever's been happening in my life. I was like, "God... Just work through me with whatever i have. I really am just going to rely on whatever basics i have. All i have are the simple stuff."

I knew the countless mistakes i made, and so when we wrapped up the service and headed for our team debrief, i was all ready for the firing squad... Though at the back of my mind i was asking God, "God, please, please, i'm ready for the firing squad, but can you just give me some encouragement?"

God being so sweet, really did send people to encourage me... My team's bassist came and said to me that the chosen notes that i played spoke (in a musical sense) to him, it brought him to a place of peace with God. He said, "I saw a picture, of me in a cave, on a lake in a cave. You know, a place of peace, like how everyone has a place of peace with God."

I also got encouragement from my worship leader who said i played well, and another worship leader also gave feedback that the synthesizer patches that i chose were good. He said, "There were some really good patches here and there. Eh! This kind of thing cannot keep to yourself, must share!" Later when i asked him which part exactly he was referring to, he said to go listen to the recording, but he added, "You have this... ability to hear sounds and use them to make them work."

Boy, was i SO encouraged by the end of the night. I was thinking: God. Thank you. I REALLY needed that. Inspite of my so called inadequacies and numerous mistakes, you know the state of brokenness i'm in and what i just needed to hear at this point in time. And you sent people to encourage me, to tell me that You spoke to them through the music played. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

it's not for us to fight the fire, but the fire (God!) who fights for us!

I'm getting old, man.

Went for The Fire Fight's Album Launch concert, where we had to stand for an hour. I got a backache after that (but the rest of my friends didn't). Fail.

(The Fire Fight is a local, indie band made up of a group of young chaps who love music and are using their music to reach an audience for a bigger life purpose.)

I really enjoyed the music (though i was as stiff as a BBQ skewer) and saw the boys enjoying themselves on stage as well. They were telling a simple but true story of a bear named Henri. But really, the "bear" represents us living today and the story that unfolded was the story of how when we were woo-ed by the devil who lured us into loving the material things of the world but getting burnt in the process, God pursues us, back into his loving arms, back home again.

The boys deserve thumps on their backs!

It was quite funny how the name most heard last night was Jon's because he's a friend of ours, and a couple of us were getting high and it was hilarious what being high does to you. And... quite a number of the audience were from the same place *ahem* as i, and boy, if we wanted to, we could've started a praise and worship session. Haha...

Well done Fire Fight. I know this is your ministry, and I pray that God will continue to partner with you guys to speak the same loving message of God to those who need it, in the language that they know and understand, and find meaning in.

A testimony for the sceptic, who is me.

We were outside one of the practice rooms waiting for a group of people to come out, when cheryl, my band's bass guitarist, shared with me and others around her that she woke up this morning with her hands red, swollen and painful and she had no idea why. And boy, were they really red, and swollen. In my mind, i was thinking: "should we pray...? sigh, don't want..." (my lazy, faithless human mind)

But my worship leader said, "come, lets pray for cheryl..." so we gathered around her and a few of us led outloud in prayer of healing for her hands. When 2-3 people were done praying, we looked at her hands again and saw that the redness had lessened but it was still swollen and painful. Usually, i remain quiet unless i feel that i have something to say but during a silent moment, Tomlin said, "I just feel that, joline, you should pray for cheryl. I asked God who else should and i saw your face... Just hold on to cheryl's whole finger."

I was of course stunned (more on that later, because i have some background info) but so i started out. I firstly declared that we have the holy spirit in us, and that allows us to do what Jesus could do in the past and therefore we have every ability of the holy spirit. I said to God, since you said you wanted to use me to bring healing to others, then this is what i'm asking for. With that, i just asked for healing for her hand and commanded the swelling and pain to leave. When we checked, the redness had gone down a little more but it was still swollen and painful.

By that time, it was time to enter the room for our pre-service prayer and so we decided to just trust God for the healing to come in time.

As usual, we started our time just singing and worshipping God... And for some reason, the prayer time we had was so intense. People were receiving words of affirmation of love and also God was telling us how He wants us to trust Him and His ways and to move along with His plans.

While worshipping, i suddenly had this strong urge to go over to cheryl on the other side of the room to pray again for her hands. At first i was like, "Nah... are you sure this is me just wanting to be altruistic or is this really God inspired?"

But then, my pastor had a vision of a mighty rushing river, but there were people standing by the side afraid to jump in. She felt God saying that the river was his holy spirit, and was saying to us to not be afraid to jump in because although it looks scary, he will never allow us to be hurt or killed but instead would lead us with His power.

At first i thought that did not make much sense to me but as i reflected on it, it DAWNED on me that: HEY. THIS IS EXACTLY what i am going through... (more on that later, as i said! :oD)

We started to sing the bridge of the song "Healer" and i was again stunned because we weren't spending the time praying for healing but rather we were just listening to God.

With the urge so strong to go over to Cheryl and with the final push/cue as they sang "Healer", i went over with both faith and fear in my heart. It occured to me that perhaps God was going to allow THIS time instead to show us His healing power. This was the moment.

To my surprise, two of my other friends also started to approach cheryl to pray for her. I was like, "oh. my. word". It was like, we were all prompted at the same time!

(i checked with Tomlin and he said that at that moment, he "sensed that something was coming". Cool huh?)

I decided to choose confidence over disbelief, and knelt in front of cheryl, held both her hands and started to pray with two of my friends as the rest sang and worshipped in their own way.

As the time came to a close when the music died down, i opened my eyes and cheryl and i smiled at one another... And she opened her hands and... There was NO MORE REDNESS, NO MORE SWELLING, AND BEST, NO MORE PAIN.

Those around us who saw us in a huddle asked if her hand still hurt and she said "There's no more pain!"

I myself could not believe it even when she showed me her hands and exclaimed, "See! Back to skinny fingers! You can see the bone!"

Ok, my faithless doubting mind always doesn't run far from me, i had to keep looking at her hand to see the difference... It was indeed back to normal. Earlier on, it was seriously red and swollen but now, the difference was STARK. Haha, i told her we should've taken a before and after photo...

I still have to say that God has to throw a brick at me at times. I am a very careful charismatic (the denomination) christian and i question and doubt a lot. Even with a miracle occurring before my very eyes, i could still ask myself whether it was really true and maybe there is a scientific reason for it, or maybe it was my friend's prayer (which is such a ridiculous thought because it is God's power and not who prayed that makes the difference) or whatever.

It's not that we can demand things out from God the Genie as and when we want to. Whatever happens or does not happen is God's choosing. Even if nothing visible happens, that is not the point. What matters is that i'm relying on a living God with whom i have a relationship with, prayer changes things in the invisible spiritual realm and I am simply choosing to step out in faith (and some inevitable fear of course) and exercising the bible's truth.

I know that what i saw and experienced was true and real. Nothing can take away the fact that it happened and that God partnered with me and my friends to pray and see the healing happen to bless my friend.

This incident has bolstered my faith and my resolve to continue in my walk with God despite the things happening around me. I am tired of being a quiet status quo christian. I am tired of being sceptical and jaded. I want to bring God's kingdom onto the streets. Yes, i am an imperfect, weak and flawed human being prone to going back to my old ways, but my Father God is neither of that. And that gives me all the reason to trust and move forward and bring destruction to barriers and obstacles, seen and unseen.

***

Background info will share in the next post or so.

I was running late for my family's renuion dinner and there i was at Kallang trying to "fight" for cabs. Apparently, 3 sets of people kinda intercepted "my cab" by standing in front of me instead of behind me (although 2 sets of people were nice enough to still ask if I wanted the cab when it stopped for them instead of me). I was kind of annoyed but i told myself not to worry and that God will provide for all his children and that he would provide for me too.

After a while i thought to myself that my location had too many people in need of cabs, so i decided to walk around the bend to a less crowded place. But then as i stood by the roadside, i felt really stupid because i realized that: alamak... how can i get an empty cab at my spot if all the cabs that went by the previous spot are taken by the people before me? I began to realize that the likelihood of getting a cab was even slimmer at where i was...

Just then, this green cab came along and the driver spotted me. He started to turn in to the kerb despite me not even sticking out my hand to flag it down because (1) there was this HUGE bus just behind it and i didn't want the uncle to kena mashed by the bus if he stopped suddenly, (2) i couldn't see if the cab was empty.

But i opened the door of the cab and asked,
J: Uncle, can we go to ******?
U: Oh? At *****?
J: Oh, yes yes!
U: By CTE?
J: Uhm, whichever's faster.
U: Ok, whichever's faster.

The funny thing was that i only knew my gran's address but i really did not know how to describe to the uncle WHERE my granny stays. I was prepared to have to check the street directory book if he did not know where it was since it isn't a well known place. I even had the wrong impression of where she was staying in my head ( i was thinking "Upper Serangoon" when she's actually at Serangoon Gardens). Had he asked me where the rough location was, i would have blabbered the wrong place. But lo and behold, he totally KNEW where it was despite me just telling him the name of one of those small lanes somewhere in Serangoon. I didn't have to explain anything to him, and i only had to sit back and relax (was feeling tired and gross after cycling 30ish km).

When i alighted, i told him, "Woah uncle, i was scared that you wouldn't know this place you know..." and he replied, "Oh, i come here before..."
This cab driver was DEFINITELY Godsent, man!

And boy, he took me there for a fare less than 10bucks and i even got there before all my relatives did!

Seeing this from a wider point of view, I learnt that as Christians, we don't have to "fight" against people and situations. There really is not point in getting mad and indignant over worldly things because our "battles" aren't physical. All we need to do is just trust that God would take care of everything simply because He is Daddy God. He knows all our needs, we just need to ask and believe in His goodness. Boy, he is a much bigger and able God than we take him for sometimes!

My Father has a sense of humour man.

Yesterday i was telling God with some level of anguish in my heart, "God, i've been so busy with my own errands to run, i've been so distracted this week and i don't like it. I want to worship you in every area of my life, how can i worship you even in my daily living? I want to worship you throughout the week, connect with you. Nothing makes me as happy when you are in my heart. Nothing compares to you. I know my heart longs so much for you, cos it's empty without you."

That evening, R (someone who does NOT message me normally) messaged me to ask if i was going to church. I was like, "huh" OH YEAH, there's Soak and Seek tonight!" Although i had known that it was tonight, i was kinda like not too keen on going and had forgotten until R texted me.

Note: Soak and Seek is a time for the musicians, dancers, etc (the "artsy" people) in church to come together for combined worship and bible study.

My attitude in response to that? Get a load of this: " Huh, I don't want. Feeling lazy... don't want to leave my home."

Than i realized, "Hello? Didn't you just tell God that you wanted to worship him?"

It's so sadly amusing, how when the real thing comes along, my human weakness clouds my heart's desires. I thank God for that realization and i decided that i was going to make that choice to worship God with all my will and strength.

God was obviously saying, "You said you wanted to worship me right? Here you go, are you going to come for this (Soak and Seek)?" It was a little admonishment for me from Father God. I know it was certainly divine... R did not message anyone else to ask and he definitely does not message me normally. Guess i had to be reminded to learn to put my will into action. :-D

Oh, and through what God told R (at the end of the session, we prayed and asked the Lord how we can bless our friend), Father wants me to read the book of James. Wokay! How specific! I like. :-)

whao...

I am listening to the band recording of last week's worship at service and i am having GOOSEBUMPS. The GOOD kind of goosebumps. It's like somehow, we've been refreshed by God during our camp such that when we came together to worship as a team, we just really flowed as a band, playing out in music what God was putting into our hearts to play.

God, He did it again. :-D

I wrote this some days a go, but now it's ready to be posted up!

1. God really knows my needs even BEFORE i tell him...

Now, bank accounts are meant to see your savings increase right? Yes. So, having received my allowance from my work last month, i was pretty happy about the digits and i had really just wanted to keep things the way it was. I was exceptionally reluctant to spend on things, though there are lots i really want to buy for myself!

So with the bintan trip, i had to draw out a sizeable amount and i admit that i was feeling disturbed at the sudden drop in finances. My phone bill also came in today and it was HIGHER than usual, because i was in Malaysia last month and the smses chalked up a sum. Also, this is coupled with the fact that i am no longer going to be working and therefore, NO INCOME anymore. Although i will still survive on kind parental support, i have to watch every penny that comes out from my wallet or i may run low.

But as i was packing a while ago, out of the blue, my dad came into the room and he said with a smile: "Need some money to spend?"
I was STUNNED and i couldn't even reach out to take what looked like blue notes in his hand.
He said: "It's just ****** only...."
Jo: But still... I'm really thankful. Thank you, thank you! I really appreciate it...
Dad: Good. Good night! *smiles to himself as he exits my room*

Then, a few minutes later, MOM came in with a smile and i can almost feel her heart beaming with delight as she blessed me financially too!

I'm like, OH MY... I was brooding over the cash flow and i had all my broiling concerns about finances which kept drumming away in my head the last few days. And sadly, I didn't think that it was important enough for God to care. In my mind, i just figured that i would just swallow my circumstances and handle my own problems in my own way. But you know, God cares and he supplied my needs (through my folks)! It's just so amazing... I really should trust God a whole lot more even in the everyday/mundane things.

2. Being assured of my future.

Today at worship ministry bible study, we were asked to pair up and just ask God how we can prophesize, or simply put: bless, the person we were paired up with. J and i sat down to pray and she said that even before she paired up with me, she had a vision of me, for me...

J saw that i was standing in a forest, with trees surrounding me all around. There was no path leading out from the forest and she asked God for light so that she could see. Then, light appeared and it illuminated a dirt path that led out me out from the forest and... When i got out, before me was a beautiful, magnificient view.

J didn't know what it meant, but felt that God was saying that "He would show me, in his time, what he intended for me."

I was so STUNNED (again). Because right now, i am facing both certainty and uncertainty in my life.

My certainty: the road to being a counsellor is right before me; God has clearly opened the door for me.
My uncertainty is: I have such a great fear of people but YET, i know nothing else that i am passionate about. And i am going headlong into a career where i have to deal with all sorts of people EVERY day. Having experienced interaction with difficult people, i have begun to doubt my ability to love and reach out to those in need.

In my heart, i have been constantly asking myself and i have been wondering incessantly: HOW on the WORLD is God going to use me? I just don't see how it is possible. I am weak, fearful, doubtful, inadequate!

My personality is a complete opposite from the other counsellors i have met. I just cannot see how i can be useful, how i can bless others, how God can use me, a person who is choosing to do something so opposite from what i am normally more comfortable doing.

It's such a mismatch, and i am just, like what J said, in a forest. I cannot see where i am going, i cannot see what God has planned. I cannot the picture yet. I cannot see HIS big picture. I'm still far away from the finished product.

But God has now told me that, in time, i will see. I will see the light, and i will be led. I will eventually be led to see the beautiful outcome of what He has planned for me. I will come to see it.

And this gives me the assurance that i have to just keep walking in the direction that i am walking towards. Because God WILL reveal the fruits and reasons in time to come!

Oh, and note: J had no idea of the things that i am going through, so you can see, that it's REALLY God just speaking to me through J! :-D

So much drama has happened over the past one week that i don't even know where to begin and how much i can really share over the internet. Anyway, here goes:

1. Close shave with Death
A few seconds made the difference between life and death in my family on saturday. I could have been made an orphan or i could have lost one parent in an accident. Apparently some totally reckless and selfish driver beat the red light at a junction, and almost CRASHED into the right side of the car that my folks were in. If my dad had not seen the car coming on his right at the corner of his eye and jam braked, a horrible tragedy could have occurred. When i think about what my folks went through, no words can express how angry i am at that inconsiderate driver. I can only say that GOD PROTECTED MY PARENTS and perhaps it was not their time to leave the Earth yet.
This incident REALLY woke me up from my complacent attitude towards loving and caring for my folks and family. I realized that i have not loved them enough and showed enough care and gentleness towards them in their lives so far. I know that i have not given them what they deserve as well meaning, loving and long suffering parents. If they had died, i would feel intense regret at my actions and behaviour towards them.
I now don't take it for granted that they will be home every day. I used to just believe that they will be home everyday as per normal, and it was so mundane that it became unimportant. But now, cold water has been thrown in my face as i am shown that death CAN happen within my family. There's no such thing as, "It will never happen to me." It CAN happen to you. I now thank God every time i see my parents at home. It's a miracle and a blessing to see them alive and healthy everyday. I will never forget that, and neither should you. Take me seriously. Don't EVER take your loved ones for granted.

2. Lovely Friends
Had dinner and ice cream with a small group of cell mates who were still around after service... And then had good, honest girly chats and chill out session (actually, sunday was darn hot!) from saturday to sunday. Enough said. :-)

3. Official "Internship" at YGOS
I have joined Youth Guidance Outreach Services (YGOS) as a "intern" on a program called Project Servant. Will be serving there for 2 months. Oh man. I don't know where to begin to tell you guys about it. Got so many thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes i lose them just when i want to pen them down. Argh. The gist is that i will be coming into contact with youths-at-risk, doing stuff like: befriending, going for camps, counselling, facilitating... I'll tell you guys more about what i've been doing and what my thoughts are.
I had a staff retreat from monday to wednesday, and i thank God that i joined them at such a good time. People had time to see who i was, and i had time to get to know others more. I learnt more about what YGOS does and it was enriching.

But not everything was great, and it's not anyone's fault really. Like i said, i'll talk more about that later, IF i can.

4. YGOS - Day 1
Today i had my first day at work and well... time passes really quickly at YGOS! :-) Can't wait to see how i will be interacting with the youths. I haven't officially met any one of them yet.

5. My application got...
While i was sitting at my dining table downstairs, my dad came back from work and stood at the top of the staircase, clinching a stack of letters in the crook of his arm. I spotted an A4 size brown envelope and wondered if it was for me. He stood there longer than usual and said to me: "I think this is your offer letter" with a smile. So i walked up to him and took the envelope and realized that it was from NIE. I wasn't sure if it was really an offer letter since i could not see anything through the transparent plastic window on the envelope that was vaguely related to being accepted. All i saw was: "FULL TIME MASTER..."
While ripping the letter flap, i told my dad, "Skarly it's just a letter to say that i've been (cleanly and promptly) rejected without even a second round of interview...". He just smiled at me, and we both waited in anticipation to see what the document was about.

LO and BEHOLD. I pulled the sheet out and it said...:
"We are pleased to inform you that your application for admission as a full-time candidate for the degree of Master of Arts (Counselling and Guidance) has been successful."

I read that line several times before it hit me that i WAS OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED. I mean... I've been so accustomed to receiving rejection letters from local universities that i was expecting to see something like: "I am pleased to inform you that while you made the first round, we regret that we cannot offer you...."

YES. I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE EN ROUTE TO GETTING MY MASTERS IF I JUST ACCEPT THE OFFER!!! WOW!
The idea blows my mind!

I want to stay in hostel leh, for at least one semester. But i heard that only undergrads get guaranteed a place to stay. I admit that i don't actually need a place to stay at all since i don't stay that far away from NIE. But STILL! I want some campus life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been CRAVING some kind of authentic campus life since forever.

Then again, i have to think about whether i'm really going to take up the offer. Wouldn't it be great though, to do my practicum at YGOS? Hmm, yeah......... ;-D

long long ramble

So wot happened at the interview you ask? Firstly. It REALLY WAS 2 hours long. ha. And well, it went pleasantly enough. Read on for the details:

When i arrived, i was given a case study to read in a cold and quiet room, along with another interviewee. I made some notes on the sheet of paper... Mostly jotting down my analyses of the case study. When i mean case study, i mean, that the sheet of paper had a hypothetical situation of a family that was having their first consultation with me in a counselling session. The scene was of a family that was having problems with their "havoc" teenage daughter.

I made all my analyses till i had none left and I asked God: "Ok, what else do i need to consider?"And a thought popped into my head, "Think about what you would do in this situation."
When i received that answer from God, i was struck by how i missed out on such an obvious thing to think about. I mean, i analysed EVERYthing except for thinking about what i should do as their counsellor. Which would be the most commonsensical question that the interviewers would ask. I only had a few minutes left to think about it too... But God is so cool. :-) He told me what i should do.

Soon after, i was called into the room with one lady, and one man. They didn't like, stand up to greet us and shake hands. So, i was kind of at a lost of what to do. Somehow, everyone seemed a little tentative.

So it turned out to be a group interview: 2 interviewees, 2 interviewers. We were asked about our backgrounds, what makes a good counsellor, what are our best qualities to offer as a student and as a potential future counsellor, what our commitments are to the course, where will we be headed after the course (if we do get in). Oops, am i revealing too much? There were some other questions targeted at my *ahem* competitor.

I made a booboo blunder at one point... When competitor made her stand on something, lady interviewer asked me if i had anything to comment... I blabbered something or other, that was 50% sense, and 50% nonsense. For my 50% nonsense, i stuttered one line, contracted verbal constipation, stared hard at competitor (till she raised an eyebrow at me), stared at interviewer, and gave an embarrassed laugh, and said, "Erm, never mind." So... Joline. Good grief. Lady interviewer DID NOT LOOK THE LEAST BIT IMPRESSED WITH ME. She had such a demeaning look on her face. *shrinks timidly into a corner*

But i kinda "redeemed" myself later on during the case study analysis. When the guy interviewer posed THAT question: "So, what would you do in this situation?" (See? GOD IS SO AWESOME HOR.) I waited for 2-3 seconds to see if competitor wanted to answer. Since there was a moment of silence, i decided to speak up first. After which, competitor agreed with everything i said, when interviewer asked if competitor would like to comment on my answer. Interviewers seemed to take well to whatever we both said. But there was no way that i could fathom what they were thinking. They just nodded, smiled, analysed our answers here and there, and asked a few questions to clarify some points.

At this point, i was really thanking God for my experience at work. Although i don't get to meet clients as a counsellor, i get to observe what the psychologists do at the center. So, i was able to draw on what they do at work and applied it to the case study.

In general, I noticed that competitor was faced with more grilling than me, because she threw in some of her own theories and slightly "of-concern" comments. To which the interviewers had to intervene to get/make some things clear. Somehow, the guy seemed to be more firm/critical with competitor than he was with me. (by the way, competitor is twice my age.)

So after our case study discussion, we had to write a short essay, which was a reflection and self report on our strengths and weaknesses. I wrote about my childhood "traumas" (haha) which kinda precipitated some problems for me today... And how i had to overcome some of these fears when i went to Timor. Gosh. The Timor trip and its challenges really has been a timely example for me to write about in my various self reports.

All in all, i can't tell whether they were impressed with either of us. They looked super composed, critical, careful, pleasant but stiff.

I am not sure about why they were so easy on me. ONE: they could have like, after hearing my first few answers to their questions, written me off already as a non-potential. So, maybe they didn't have to bother about grilling me since i'm already out. Or, TWO: they heard and saw everything they needed to see and know from me, and already made the decision that i can move on to round 2. There's NO way of telling.

My dad and cell mate commented that a possible reason for a group discussion is to stimulate competition. Like, to see who's the leader and follower, who's the one with the bright ideas. In actual fact, both competitor and i were kinda backing one another up... Not really going against each other's viewpoints. Hur.

Apparently, competitor asked the interviewers what their expectations were of future students, and one of the answers they gave was that, they hoped to get a group of students who could work with one another. Hey... So maybe the group interview is not all about competition, but to see if the interviewees can cooperate and work cohesively.

I won't really know the outcome till perhaps a month or two from now. That's a long time to wait, i must say. Round 1 is done! I wonder if i'll make the cut into Round 2.

***

I was just talking to Gem about how i bet i could be much better looking (HAHAHA) if i bothered to dress up. Like, you know, paint my finger and toe nails, put on contacts and make-up, put on false eyelashes, do my hair, wear heels, dresses, be more fashionable, yada yada yada. I mean seriously. There is SO MUCH more that i can do to look more spruced up. But i am lazy and well, i just can't see myself prancing about in such feminine wear in the first place.

And Gem said matter-of-factly: "I am comfortable with your sense of style. And i like it that you don't require so much time to dress up before you go out."

Some time ago, he also told me that he thinks going natural, without having make-up on, is nice.

And Joline grins inwardly like nobody's business.

How can i thank thou for not imposing standards of feminine vanity upon thee?
Muah hahaha.

***

I just came back a while ago from cell group and a short girly night out. Gosh. Good friends, good conversations, good ICE CREAM *heehee, thanks J* and a ride home (much appreciated, D)... Wonderful way to end the night.

***

You know. If i had my own way... I'd be out in the wild, being with wild animals. Maybe filming a documentary for Animal Planet and/or Discovery Channel. Or, if i had my way, i'd spend my days training and going on adventure races/trips. Or doing other sporty things. Make a living from being with animals or doing sports.

I have all my life to live out. About 50 more years of it. For all i know, i might move from one occupation to the next, achieving these funny little desires. :-)
Zookeeper, right WL? ;-)

***

Time to sleep now... Though i feel like i could just go on and on and on and on...

Good night! It's going to be another good day in church tomorrow!