Last saturday, i was out of the house and trying to get to church on time. I had about 40min to get there but being a saturday, the buses usually take longer to come. I was running late because i had cooked and packed my own lunch for the day.

I had 2 options to get to church. On the same side of the road, i could wait for 92 which can take as long as 15 minutes to show up. Or, i could cross over to hop onto the 61. Which also takes ages to turn up, similarly, more so on saturdays. Weekend off peak kind of timings.

I refused to take a cab (unnecessary $ spent) and for someone with little time to waste, it was a gamble. Very often in the past, when i chose to cross over, i would see the 92 bus trundling along on the side that i had just forsaken and i'd mutter and grumble at Murphy for his stupid but ever so true, law of everything-that-can-go-wrong, will.

This time however, i turned to God. It was like a revelation. D'oh. God is all knowing, isn't He? Why didn't i think of this earlier.

Jo: *huffpuff*anxious* Okay God. Do you think you could tell me which bus will come first?
God: This side. 92 will come first.
Jo: *concurs*seems to get the same sense as well*

Meanwhile... Jo keeps swinging head looking back and forth to both ends of the roads. 92? 61? 92? 61? Come. ON! Time was ticking by.

And it's impossible to climb over the bridge and sprint in time to catch the bus on the other side. Especially in your saturday church best.

Boy, was i anxious. If you could see me, i looked like a very nervous meerkat.

Jo: *thinks* Come on! Either bus doesn't seem to be coming... (Roads looking devoid of either)
God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: But this is like, what if 92 doesn't come? Then it would be like, sheesh, that voice was just me talking to myself... I'm scared of that happening cos i want to know that it was you talking to me.
God: 92 will come first. It will.
Jo: Okay... *somehow feet stays implanted onto the ground*

Still swinging head back and forth looking at the roads.

10-15 minutes had already passed. Why do both roads look so empty?

God: Don't you trust me?
Jo: I do... Uh... But... (inside i was like, YEAH RIGHT?! You behaving like this doesn't seem to tell God that you do! But i can't help it...)

And guess what.

92 came. Spot on, with the contender bus 61 nary in sight.

And i got to church on time.

God, you ROCK. And you're pretty funny. And merciful to your silly daughter...

I need to practice hearing you better, Father.

In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

What an experience it was at today's service's worship time. First, it's the first time i'm being accompanied by the synthesizer, and second, i've never had my pastor come up to me to tell me to play out...

We were having a time of free worship after the New Doxology song, and she came up on stage to come alongside me. I knew she wanted to tell me something but my hands were busy on the keys. It was quite amusing to me how she had to gingerly lift my long hair away from my right ear to try to speak to me. I took a moment to pause and remove my in-ears and she told me, "play out a Song of Beauty" and she said "play out... you're holding back"

Boy, i was scared. I mean, what? Me? You mean i have free reign over my chords? Wouldn't i be sidelining the rest of the band since i would be launching into my own tune? And then another part of me was saying: C'mon! This is it! You've always wanted to break out from prescribed progressions, now you can break out into anything!

More so though, i was hesitant about something so new and bold, but i heeded my leader's encouragement and went for it. I just played whatever i thought i should. Whatever the Holy Spirit led me to. On hindsight, i WAS SO GLAD it was in a familiar key, Key of G with just one sharp (F#). Haha.

There were moments when a song of beauty was released, and there was another moment when I distinctively felt God asking me to play C and B repeatedly, as a resounding call saying, "Children, Children". Like He was singing out and calling us. And then the other notes was Him saying, "Hear me. I love you, I love you". At one point, our worship leader J also started to sing out God's message to us.

I could hear my heartbeat thumping fast and loudly in my ears (cos the in-ears closed out other noises) because i was so nervous and hesitant... I wasn't sure what the next chord was suppose to be. I know i hit some weird chords when i meant to play something else.

But i tried... Tuning in my "antenna" as best as i could to the Lord and to play accordingly. As i was playing, i remembered L's card that she gave to me almost exactly one year ago at this time... She wrote, "You paint God's heart with sounds" (27th June 2009) Talk about prophetic, huh? :DDD

I don't remember everything i played, but i remember the single notes on my right hand that was expressing what God wanted to say. I remember those moments to be quite intense for me, trying to tune in to God and figuring what notes i was suppose to hit. I remember being at a lost at what to do next and having to fully depend on the Holy Spirit to lead. I guess that's the way it goes, yeah?

During the debrief session, i was thoroughly encouraged by my ministry mates and was also nudged on to be more bold to play out. After the debrief session, YS came up to me to share of a vision he saw during that free worship time. He told me that as I played out, he saw a painting beginning to form, a painting of a picture that depicted all the beautiful things of God. I was so blessed. :) A Song of Beauty indeed! Though he also said that i could afford to be less hesitant.

I feel like i could've done so much more though i don't really know how to (some of you were spot on, that i was hesitant). Whatever it is, whatever that happened tonight, I give all glory to Father God.

There certainly were limitations on my part and I couldn't have played much without His leading. I just did my best, His song tinkling in my spirit to be released into the physical.

Thank You God. More of this, please? Teach me how!

Yesterday, "church" was so different for me.

I can honestly say that for a while now, things haven't been as "fruitful" as i would want with respect to ministry (worship/music team) and my personal walk with God. But yesterday was different. And it all started with knowing God's mandate of royalty upon me, and the choice to ACCEPT IT.

One thing i've taken away from the school of supernatural worship speakers is the assurance of WHO I AM, my IDENTITY. That as Christians, we are Royalty. We inherit God's identity, y'know what i mean. Like, THE CREATOR, THE MOST INTELLIGENT BEING WHO EVER EXISTED, THE GOD OF ALL HEAVEN AND EARTH, IS MA DADDEH.

And since He is my DADDEH, who does that make ME? Did you get that? Could it sink in? I'm a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING. YOU, when you believe, ARE ALSO a CHILD of the MOST HIGH KING!

And that has changed me, my perception of myself. And domino-ingly, that changes how i worship Him, receive Him and receive all His promises and good gifts.

During worship jam yesterday afternoon, i was playing the keys and of course, it wasn't perfect but i know something in me was different.

I was playing from a heart that knows that, I am WORTHY to give worship to God. Like, GOD SEES ME AS WORTHY TO GIVE HIM WORSHIP. Sure, i'm a little human bean and actually bluntly speaking, a stinking rat and perhaps unspeakably worse by His standards but because Jesus took my place of sinfulness, I am considered completely clean and worthy to be in God's presence (without being struck down dead like in the olden times before Jesus came). It's MY PLACE to worship God, y'know? It's my RIGHT.

I used to worship and still have part of my mind thinking, "I'm no good a person, God won't accept me or my worship, i'm lousy, i'm not liked, He doesn't love me as much as other people..." And though it was a part of my mind, those thoughts took over my WHOLE being. So "worship" became a chore, something painful, something dreadful.

But yesterday, i worshipped and enjoyed it so much because i was FREE! In knowing that there is full acceptance from God! Wow. What a change it brought!

I realized i was tired of the "routine" because i wasn't getting the fullness of what those activities meant. I wasn't immersed in its reality, when i wasn't worshipping like i could. They were, simply just activities, i.e. meaningless.

And i saw a really cool... i don't know... vision story of myself with God? While J was leading worship, He saw us dancing with God... and here's what I personally saw:

I was dancing in a ballroom with God and He was like this white robed figure and i was like a small child. We were twirling and swinging about. I got tired after a while, and i sat down on what looks like a park bench by the side and instead of sitting beside me, Father God knelt in front of me on bended knee, like how a man would when he is asking for his girlfriend's hand in marriage. And i felt like Father God was "laying down his majesty and his heart" just to romance my heart again, for me to love Him again and follow after Him.

As we continued to worship, I saw Father God and I started to dance again and this time, we were twirling so hard round and round that i literally FLEW UP INTO THE AIR (woah lao eh!) and my hands left His and i was left thrown up into the air and started falling down again... And that's when God caught me in his hands and help me high up, I looked down into his face and there was SO. MUCH. LOVE. Like. There was silence between us, but in His eyes, there was adoration. Like how a mother would look at a baby with loving eyes.

When i saw this, I started to sob in the room and i was so glad that i brought tissue this time. Thank God for the awesome water resistant Bobbi Brown eye liner and almost budge-proof Majorlica Marjorca mascara man...

During worship, amazing words were shared. That God wanted to give us and assure us of His promises (for me, that would be my identity in Him!), that God wanted to GIVE so much to us today and that all we needed to do was to trade in our faith (the currency) for whatever gifts he would give to us. The visions shared were that we were being given a key to unlock His storehouse (WHAO!) and another one that was cute was of Jesus pushing a cart selling different kinds of bottled water. Thanks C and J were releasing those words. They were amazing. Oh, but hold on there's more.

The sermon was on honouring as the key to receiving (Matthew 10:40-42). It's a teaching about how if we receive someone (in this context, it means: to honour/to have a friendship with someone who has certain giftings from God), we can receive the giftings of that person as well. And you know how we ended? Pastor J shared her annointing with all the youth leaders, and after that, all who wanted to receive spiritual gifts could approach the leaders to be prayed for. You know, it was such a continuation from the worship session before our sermon... God was just releasing all His gifts to His children, all those who wanted it, generously! Just like the storehouse/Jesus selling water visions!

After being prayed for by a particular leader and friend, i sat there and i was so amused... At how the scene before me was really us just "shopping" (remember Jesus's cart of bottled water?) for our desired gifts from Father God. It was so amazing. I was so blessed.

Thank You God. And a Happy Father's Day. You probably had it all planned already... You are so cheeky!

Last night, dinner was a simple yet satisfying affair with V and Y. I had 6-8 pieces of sushi, shared 2 desserts and had milk tea. I used to be able to exercise control over my food portions to curb the dreaded IBS bloatedness but as usual and lately... i've been stuffing myself silly and regretting it later. I know (both in stomach and mind) that i'm full, but my mental hunger isn't satiated at the same rate as my stomach. Ah well, but i think i've stumbled upon something really helpful for bloatedness...

Was feeling quite bloated (i think the milk tea did it man...) from the overeating and while waiting for the girls, i popped this pill called "Dandelion Complex" from Vitahealth (free from my Cozycot card goodie bag sign up).

I'm not sure what exactly did the trick, but i felt the warmth from the peppermint (an ingredient in the pill) go down into my stomach and in a matter of minutes, i felt the bloatedness lessen somewhat. I'm not sure if all this was a placebo, or whether it was the peppermint or the whole pill itself, but i really did feel slightly better. Shall try it again when i have the chance. Darn, but it would mean i would need to feel bloated again some time. Bah.

Anyway, here's what the pill bottle label states:

"Rich fatty meals and overeating (!!!) tend to cause digestive discomfort. VitaHealth Dandelion Complex is a unique formulation that combines Dandelion, Artichoke, Ginger and 3 other herbs to:

- Help maintain healthy digestion system
- Support liver health
- Promote healthy fat digestion"

Under ingredients, it says it contains: Dandelion, Burdock, Ginger, Artichoke, Peppermint, Capsicum.

Will update again if there's anything notable.

Update!
I just googled "peppermint + digestion" and WOAH LA... --> "(...) A number of studies support the use of peppermint for indigestion and irritable bowel syndrome... (...) A number of studies have shown that enteric-coated peppermint capsules can help treat symptoms of IBS, such as pain, bloating, gas, and diarrhea. (University of Maryland, Medical Centre)

"Peppermint aids digestion by helping to prevent cramping of the smooth muscles lining the intestine. Studies have shown that peppermint can significantly reduce symptoms of gastrointestinal upset, and may even help prevent the formation of stomach ulcers. Peppermint tea has been used to treat colic, heartburn, indigestion, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)." (extract from http://www.vitaminstuff.com/herbs-peppermint.html)

***

Loving every moment of my self imposed break... (when i should be doing my disseration research. Hm...)

Went shopping (for me, it's mostly window shopping) with the 2 girls and I realized that there's no real point for me to go shopping because most things (clothes) cost $30+ and above, which i'm not really willing to pay UNLESS i REALLY like the item a lot. So, i just revert back to shopping online where it's definitely more kind to my student pocket. Haha, ah well. But still, i love looking at clothes, touching and feeling the fabrics and experimenting with what would look nice on me. After all these years, i'm still trying to understand my body better.

Plucked some guts to wear out my beachy looking wedges today, this pair of shoes that i bought a couple of years ago from Bata but never wore out till today. Must say that i kinda like how it looks when i wear it but i need to learn how to walk less like an ungainly ogre... Had to consciously tell myself to walk with my legs closer to one another and not stomp around so much!

Think i might go back for that basic Zara tank top ($19.90). It has a lovely cut, and it's made from a very comfy material. Stretchy, dreamily soft and silky, and thick.

Ok, time for bed.

HATE paperwork (post counselling report writing). Like, detest.

But... Anyway, with a little help here and there, i'm finding it to be a slightly more positive experience being in the counselling room... I find that having a little confidence (and of course, some priming) helps a big fat deal.

Today, had counselling "overload" in a good way. Lots of case conceptualization training, analyses, learning from others and just talking things out with my counsellor classmate who helped talk me through some of my own knots. Realized, it's quite nice talking to guy friends cos they don't get emotional easily. Sure, there are cons to that part of men (the whole hear-problem-give-solution shebang), but sometimes, all you need is some straight talking guy friend who is sensitive to your worldview but who will also challenge you without having emotions as part of the equation.

Learning curve is like scaling the Devils Tower. But after a day of counsellor-cog-wheel-frenzy, it feels pretty good actually. I think it's because i find myself thinking more in line with other counsellors and i feel as if i'm doing some things right. AT LAST. Need more practice in the counselling room, need dialogue with other experienced counsellors. There's so much to learn and i am lapping it up!

Got home after a long day of being at work and school and looked at my growing pile of clothes that were meant to be hand washed. On other nights, i'd be groaning internally but tonight i decided, "kay, tonight's a good night for some quiet, solitary, brainless activity". So i take my pile of clothes to the washing area and started the whole washing routine. It felt good. Seriously.

Today was a good day. Started pretty darn early, but i was surprisingly "lucid" the whole day despite all the mental acrobatics. On most days, i would've shut down a long time ago.

It must've been mom praying for me throughout the day. Yesterday night, i was grumpy, solemn, stressed, anxious and downright grouchy. So much so that i blurted it out to my mom and she cheerfully said that she would pray for me. Well, looking at the dramatic change in me today, all i can say is, prayer works.

Well. Of course. :)

Wow. If you remember, i was really upset over a certain person (X) who was, in my opinion, giving me plenty trouble. Simply put, person in authority who might've been able to help me had her hands tied. X is a "big shot", so it's not so easy to change status quo.

I prayed about it very honestly to Father God. You know, just telling Him how i really felt about her and the whole situation. I specifically asked Father for X to take the initiative to opt out. As i was asking God for that, it occured to me that that scenario happening actually seemed very unlikely/impossible.

But i remembered the story of Gideon. Of how Gideon went to war with only 300 men each armed with a trumpet, clay pitcher and a torch against thousands and thousands of enemies, and won it. I mean, who in the world goes to war with a flower pot, a musical instrument and a simple light source?! Much less, WIN it?

Gideon did. Because He had a God more awesome than any million of battle worthy soldiers.
And so do I.

So, i just had faith that my God is a God who works in funny ways which i'll never come up with and He'll make a way for me. So i just did my part: be nice, respectful and do what needed to be done.

Until now, i find it hard to actually realize that God really answered my prayer the exact way I had hoped for, just in the nick of time. A prayer completely answered though it had seemed so unlikely!

This little dude was perched in a zen-like manner on the first step of the flight of stairs. ALMOST squashed him when i came pounding down the stairs. Isn't he cute? Check out his awesome curled tail with the tip just hanging over his head! He didn't even so much as budge or twitch when i stuck my camera near his lizardy face. I was ready to leap back if he jumped or anything though. Heh.

Driven by the reality of my gross natural curls that ruined my side parting, my bald spot on my preferred side to part my hair at (too many years at the same parting), the itch for a new look, i went to cut myself some bangs at JP. I really like it! Even though my sister thinks i look toot. I love my sister, she tells me her honest opinion without hesitation and i in turn appreciate her prompt and objective feedback. After all, i always prefer the truth over a lie that would make me "happy".

I was thinking about doing this for weeks and finally, when Van said "Just go!", i decided... OK, I SHALL! I figured that i might chicken out at the entrance of the salon, but somehow, something about the place made me take a step in to enquire about the price for cutting a fringe. A nice lady greeted me and answered my queries, and when i decided $5 was a good deal, i decided to give it a go.

I was praying, "God, please give me an experienced stylist!" (i was frekkin scared because i'm not one to follow trends and i've never had bangs maybe since i was a wee kiddo?!)

And true enough, God gave me the LEAD HAIR STYLIST can? Who was the same nice lady who answered my queries. In about 10 minutes, i was done, and personally i think she did a quick, professional and tidy job. Just by looking my hair over and flipping it about, she could pinpoint how my hair behaves (natural waves, cannot cut too short and not this way, etc) and what i should avoid and what would be suitable for my face shape and manageable for me to maintain. Ok, maybe i look like a goon here. HAHA. I like!

Ok, slightly more normal looking here.

A testimony for the sceptic, who is me.

We were outside one of the practice rooms waiting for a group of people to come out, when cheryl, my band's bass guitarist, shared with me and others around her that she woke up this morning with her hands red, swollen and painful and she had no idea why. And boy, were they really red, and swollen. In my mind, i was thinking: "should we pray...? sigh, don't want..." (my lazy, faithless human mind)

But my worship leader said, "come, lets pray for cheryl..." so we gathered around her and a few of us led outloud in prayer of healing for her hands. When 2-3 people were done praying, we looked at her hands again and saw that the redness had lessened but it was still swollen and painful. Usually, i remain quiet unless i feel that i have something to say but during a silent moment, Tomlin said, "I just feel that, joline, you should pray for cheryl. I asked God who else should and i saw your face... Just hold on to cheryl's whole finger."

I was of course stunned (more on that later, because i have some background info) but so i started out. I firstly declared that we have the holy spirit in us, and that allows us to do what Jesus could do in the past and therefore we have every ability of the holy spirit. I said to God, since you said you wanted to use me to bring healing to others, then this is what i'm asking for. With that, i just asked for healing for her hand and commanded the swelling and pain to leave. When we checked, the redness had gone down a little more but it was still swollen and painful.

By that time, it was time to enter the room for our pre-service prayer and so we decided to just trust God for the healing to come in time.

As usual, we started our time just singing and worshipping God... And for some reason, the prayer time we had was so intense. People were receiving words of affirmation of love and also God was telling us how He wants us to trust Him and His ways and to move along with His plans.

While worshipping, i suddenly had this strong urge to go over to cheryl on the other side of the room to pray again for her hands. At first i was like, "Nah... are you sure this is me just wanting to be altruistic or is this really God inspired?"

But then, my pastor had a vision of a mighty rushing river, but there were people standing by the side afraid to jump in. She felt God saying that the river was his holy spirit, and was saying to us to not be afraid to jump in because although it looks scary, he will never allow us to be hurt or killed but instead would lead us with His power.

At first i thought that did not make much sense to me but as i reflected on it, it DAWNED on me that: HEY. THIS IS EXACTLY what i am going through... (more on that later, as i said! :oD)

We started to sing the bridge of the song "Healer" and i was again stunned because we weren't spending the time praying for healing but rather we were just listening to God.

With the urge so strong to go over to Cheryl and with the final push/cue as they sang "Healer", i went over with both faith and fear in my heart. It occured to me that perhaps God was going to allow THIS time instead to show us His healing power. This was the moment.

To my surprise, two of my other friends also started to approach cheryl to pray for her. I was like, "oh. my. word". It was like, we were all prompted at the same time!

(i checked with Tomlin and he said that at that moment, he "sensed that something was coming". Cool huh?)

I decided to choose confidence over disbelief, and knelt in front of cheryl, held both her hands and started to pray with two of my friends as the rest sang and worshipped in their own way.

As the time came to a close when the music died down, i opened my eyes and cheryl and i smiled at one another... And she opened her hands and... There was NO MORE REDNESS, NO MORE SWELLING, AND BEST, NO MORE PAIN.

Those around us who saw us in a huddle asked if her hand still hurt and she said "There's no more pain!"

I myself could not believe it even when she showed me her hands and exclaimed, "See! Back to skinny fingers! You can see the bone!"

Ok, my faithless doubting mind always doesn't run far from me, i had to keep looking at her hand to see the difference... It was indeed back to normal. Earlier on, it was seriously red and swollen but now, the difference was STARK. Haha, i told her we should've taken a before and after photo...

I still have to say that God has to throw a brick at me at times. I am a very careful charismatic (the denomination) christian and i question and doubt a lot. Even with a miracle occurring before my very eyes, i could still ask myself whether it was really true and maybe there is a scientific reason for it, or maybe it was my friend's prayer (which is such a ridiculous thought because it is God's power and not who prayed that makes the difference) or whatever.

It's not that we can demand things out from God the Genie as and when we want to. Whatever happens or does not happen is God's choosing. Even if nothing visible happens, that is not the point. What matters is that i'm relying on a living God with whom i have a relationship with, prayer changes things in the invisible spiritual realm and I am simply choosing to step out in faith (and some inevitable fear of course) and exercising the bible's truth.

I know that what i saw and experienced was true and real. Nothing can take away the fact that it happened and that God partnered with me and my friends to pray and see the healing happen to bless my friend.

This incident has bolstered my faith and my resolve to continue in my walk with God despite the things happening around me. I am tired of being a quiet status quo christian. I am tired of being sceptical and jaded. I want to bring God's kingdom onto the streets. Yes, i am an imperfect, weak and flawed human being prone to going back to my old ways, but my Father God is neither of that. And that gives me all the reason to trust and move forward and bring destruction to barriers and obstacles, seen and unseen.

***

Background info will share in the next post or so.

While waiting for my god brother's water baptism to start, i decided to take parts of my lovely monster yamaha keyboard since i brought the camera with me on stage.

Sigh, i still couldn't get a proper video of him being baptised in the pool though.

Methinks this is a good stock photo to mess around with. :oD

Anyways, i am WAYYYYYYYY PROUD of my god brother. Getting baptised and all. And he's always saying this: "I want to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness." He's thinking of serving in the music ministry soon too. :-D



***

Check out this "baby". It's as big as my palm!



But WAIT! There's a contender on the right! As you can see, my fingers of my right hand have disappeared beneath the mushroom.

My mom, demonstrating that mushrooms can be quite good substitutes for eyes if you think yours are too small.

Yes. This is the contender i spoke of earlier. It is literally as big as your face.

My mom being my mom, in one of her wackier moments, took two mushrooms and placed them in front of...


I don't know if i should even be telling you to go figure..

I did NOT take a photo of that. Gosh, my mom is more garang than me.



NB: Once again, i think the alignment has gone wonky.

***

Does anyone have any suggestions for good clothes blogshops? I'm on the prowl...

V: i looked thru 3 collections and somehow... i have concluded that in general, tracyeinny's style is different from mine. pragnaz's webbie seems to be down/dead?

I recently told a youth pastor that, "it is ridiculous that i am in counselling (a counselling student). It is ridiculous!" At that, he laughed heartily for the first time in our conversation, only after a good solid 1 hour or so of sharing.

So i shared with him about my fear(s) and why i thought it was utterly ridiculous, and we talked a bit about the prayer he said over me before and what God had told me through him. He was the same pastor who prayed about:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

At that time, this pastor did not know me well and neither did he know that i was a counselling student.

Further into the discussion, he had let on that part of the reason as to why he wanted to catch up with me was because when he went back home that day (the day when he prayed for me) and he felt that God was saying to him, "that He (God) will groom me into someone i never thought/imagine that i would be".

(this is a very real concern for me... because who i am now does not match with who i think i should be or who i would like to be. and in view of my career choice, who i am is a huge factor.)

With that, all the memories of previous messages (all the same in meaning) from God spoken through different people in my life at different times flashed in my mind, and i was like... GOD! I'M WAITING! I WISH I COULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, NOOOOW!!!

When i showed my pastor my incredulous face coupled with my incredulous situation, he said with a broad smile, "You must be on the right path. Because God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." (that's from 1 Cor 1: 27)

(The rest of the verse:

"... God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
(and now the important part...)
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God - that is - our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore it is written: 'Let him who boasts boasts in the Lord'")

Honestly. I'm beginning to feel the heat in class, now that we are kickstarting the role play. Role playing is when we team up with 2 or more other classmates and we take turns to learn to be the therapist and client(s). Also, there is the co-facilitation of a support group.

I totally suck at it right now because i constantly am at a lost of what to ask my "client", my mind blanks out and freezes with despair when my client gives me a certain look or when i run out of things to say, or when i ask a question and realise that it is irrelevant. I often feel that my classmates do not benefit from me being a "stumbling block" (but only for now, NOT in future!!!!) and i feel so bad about it.

I am also beginning to see more conflicts happening in class, between classmates. Sometimes i may be a part of it and it's a sad and demoralising feeling to be on guard all the time. My class size is so small (at its smallest, there are only 5 students, and at its largest, 11 students) that word passes around very quickly.

What's more, let me tell you that working with adults as a young, bright eyed and bushy tailed noob is rather tricky. They are ultra sensitive to dynamics, classroom climate, the very subtle and underlying meanings that lie beaneath simple sounding words of other people. Nothing is as it SEEMS on the surface.

Because the training puts me in a really difficult position as an untried counsellor/therapist, the mistakes that i make are constant and so the feelings of disappointment and me having to berate myself happens all the time.

I'm beginning to see how though i know many things in theory, putting it into practice stumps me completely. I think i know many things, but i fail to deliver. I'm really at Ground Zero, crawling around on all fours trying to find a way of how to get onto my two feet.

Did i also mention? I am the youngest in class and the only one with no formal revelant experience. In terms of maturity/age and work experience, i am the least advantaged.

As you can already tell, the odds are huge... Where I am now, and the place where God is encouraging me with seems like a lifetime apart. The only thing that is keeping me assured and focused on my choice of career is the consistent assurance from Father God that i'm doing the right thing.

But i know that this is part of my moulding process and i have to go through with it despite it being painful... Being pressured and squished into a nice shape at the end of the day.

And really, that makes me confident (though still trembling in my shoes) enough to keep moving on, because of the knowledge that God has already paved the way for me and is cheering for me by the sidelines and at the finishing line.

And so it has been...

It hasn't been easy. I've only had 2 days in school and i have been bombed, shell shocked, pick-up-jaw-off-the-floor horrified, by the amount of work (and the quality of work expected, as V and i have agreed on) meted out by the lecturers.

To date (my collection as of monday and tuesday only, ok!):

1. Group work: Journal summary and analysis + group meetings + presentation (due: 18th August 2008)
2. 1 Week study of newspaper articles + Report writing
3. Daily/Weekly textbook readings.
4. Weekly written reflections (due: weekly)
5. Essay (counting...)
6. Interview (to my really agreeable interviewee, THANK YOU. You have really blessed me beyond any word of thanks.)
7. Reading of supplementary journals (got the kind where you need coffee as a companion)
8. Future group work and ROLE PLAY. OH MY *beep beep beep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I CANNOT ACT! I LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY! AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR CLASS PARTICIPATION POINTS!)

Is this what full time undergraduates have to deal with too? Is this normal? (I did my undergraduate studies part time. It was busy, yes, but not THIS loaded!) OR, is this what a masters course is like? It's totally new to me!

So, let me tell you.........

- Because i'm the youngest in the cohort of 14 adult students, i constantly feel like i am the most inexperienced of the lot. Feeling judged and calculated.

- Feel as if i've to prove myself smart enough to be able to match their experience.

- I'm going to be STREEEETCCHHHEDDDD!

- But i have to remind myself that God gave me this place and so i need to be assured that HE HAS prepared the way already, that i have His favour, and that everything will be taken care of. Honestly, my self reminders of God's plan and purpose are so MEEK in comparison to my mental yellings that tell me to do things in my human strength and way. That I am to be the one who has to make things happen. God, help.

- That said. Because of all my mad struggling, i think a result of this is that doing this course is going to pull me closer to God, that we're going to work more closely together hand in hand. And i guess I'll gain a better understanding of His work in my life through our partnership.

- I am having to learn to rely on Him a whole lot more because while doing this course, i am constantly faced with the fact that I am so weak and unable. I'm never going to be able to achieve and complete things all on my own. My ability is limited, but God is strong, able, all knowledgable and INFINITE! That's why for everything that "i am able" to bring to completion, i can only say that i do it because i have God by my side, and that I can do all things (purely) through Christ who strengthens me. Oh my goodness. Just as i typed that out, it's like a rhema effect. The TRUTH of that word from the bible is astounding! Jesus Christ, makes up for the rest of me, that cannot.

- It was hard to type "I can do...". I just wanted to leave it as "I do all things...", because it just says that "ok, in whatever i do... in all that i do...". It doesn't DECLARE the positivity of the fact that I CAN do, that even through challenges, it is still "I CAN". It's hard to include the "can" word. Because in actuality, i feel as if i CAN... NOT! By placing a "can" into that line, i notice a pulling out of myself from a negative mental and attitudinal rut.

- I THANK GOD THAT i am NOT in Australia!!! If i don't have my immediate social support, i think i would really burn out prematurely. Imagine having to live in a whole new environment, new culture, with new people (i'm generally shy), plus having the pressure (and not pleasure) of NEW WORKLOAD in a short span of time. Oh my goodness. I think i would be crying everday.

- When people ask me, "So how's school?", with bright eagerness in their eyes, i just smile a really weird smile, which is quickly followed by a grimace, and then a long whine, and then a groan and then... silence. It basically means that i am at a lost for words. My thoughts and emotions are still reeling from shock and flying around above my head. I've yet to bring them all down to a logical and rational order to cope and make sense of eveything. So... Please bear with me?

- With a busy schedule, i now realize with all seriousness... That EVERY minute in the day counts.

- Because the rest are all adults who have been in the working world for quite a while, i think i sense some level of guardedness about them. I get this sense that it's currently "my own survival is important". Probably stems from their experiences of working with people. Sigh. I want to make good friends. Lets see how it goes.

- And last of all and most interestingly... A quiet voice has been saying to me... (me no have schizophrenia, ok) + (And it took me mildly by surprise):

"Love. Do all that you do with love. Look at your classmates with love, love your classmates through your behaviour, how you treat them, let love show through your actions. Don't be sucked up by the competition, but instead let your behaviour be governed by moving in an opposite spirit. Don't be intimidated. Love is what this is all about. Counselling is about love. So, love."

It can only be my Heavenly Father speaking. God is love, and only His voice would speak out to me to love others, against my own ugly human nature that complains, judges and hates.

(Wow. People say to me that God speaks to them here and there, on the bus, while walking and so forth. I always thought to myself in response that "Nah, God wouldn't speak to me (because i chose to believe that i am not important enough). He never does. Let alone as i go along my daily life". But HAH. Look what happened. Time to change mindset! Hope this is encouraging to you.)

(I guess, it's also about whether we are willing to listen, or, be still and quiet enough to listen.)

***

Refreshing reflection! Now, back to planning out my work schedule with Jesus. :-)

It's me! I'm BACK! I SURVIVED!

Interestingly, i feel more refreshed than when i left. Of course, i need a good break in general, but mentally, i am feeling better.

2 weeks more before Joline's out of YGOS. I am looking forward to my 1 month break before school begins in August. But i'll definitely be occupied with a major project, like my friends' wedding video. I hope the NTU people start school only in end july, so that i'll be able to spend some quality time with them before school begins as well. The more i think about even going down to NIE to just register in july, the more brain chills i get! I'm dreaming of the lunch meetings, the rendezvous, the studying together, my counselling course, being on campus, restarting my archery again, jogging with JL (and whoever else that is game) around NTU/track, working out in the gym. Whoo-ooo-ooo. *brain chill*

In all honesty, i doubt that i will be able to fulfill all that i am dreaming of. Ah, but one can hope, right.

My Library Gang Bintan trip has also been CONFIRMED! OH MY GWASH. FINALLY! We've been fantasizing about going for a holiday together since we all graduated and started working... It's been a ripe 3 years or so (or is it more than that?) and now it is HAPPENING. We had plans to travel to somewhere further actually but i guess because some people aren't exactly loaded, *ahem*yourstruly*cough* travelling further was an issue.

Much has been going on in my head regarding my future. I've been asking God: God, what is it you want me to do in my life? I'm totally "at your disposable" you know? All you need to do is just tell me, just say so, and i will do it.
(but i never really hear him clearly about this.)

I'm also questioning and answering myself. I'm thinking:-

Q: If handling, being and dealing with people is so hard for me personally, that it is a struggle, than why in the WORLD am i bothering to train myself to take on a job that requires me to "take care" of people? WHY in the WORLD am i going headlong into something that arouses so much FEAR and STRESS in me?

A: I think it's strange that i'm choosing to do something completely opposite to what i am comfortable with. If i had things my way, i'd just settle for something easier, or less conventional. You know, like maybe be a zookeeper, or an archery coach, or travel the world making documentaries about animals or our planet. But if you were to ask me WHY i choose to do counselling, i'd tell you that i believe the people of our society today, really need something. There is a need for social, mental, emotional well being. Spiritual well being even. And i want to do my part to help. There is so much pain and twisted values these days and it's being passed down to our younger generation and it breaks my heart to hear about what it does to them. So i'm thinking... Is my desire to do what i want to do driven only just by wanting to make the world a better place? Or is it possibly driven by love? And whose love? My love? God's love? Even that can be a struggle to answer at times. But i know that if there is love involved, it is not my own, but Father God's love for his people (which is actually everyone on this planet!). And this is probably it, that i believe this is why i choose what i choose to do... To carry out my duties inspired by His love inspite of all the fears.

So i'm thinking. Is this therefore the "thing" that God wants me to do in my life? I'm going against my human nature for a cause, so.... that's good, right? Right? But of course, there are times when God makes use of our strongest assets to do his work in places where we may be most comfortable in. But i guess there are times when He also wants to teach some of us something, or to stretch some of us that need stretching.

For now, he has so obviously opened the door for me to enter the counselling field. I feel as if his favour is on me to pursue this. First it was when YGOS willingly took me in for just 2 months (which is generally not entertained) and then NIE which offered me the counselling course despite me being a young 'un, a graduate from UniSIM (which some people tend to have certain pre (and mis?) conceptions about), someone with no relevant working experience (at the point of my interview, all the working experience i ever had was of selling Body Shop products back in 2003 while waiting for uni to begin and printing invoices and collecting $ since 2006 at my other workplace), i'm far from scholar material, and i also could only hand in 2 referee reports out of the required 3 (i typed out and clipped a very earnest sounding letter to NIE, together with my application, to apologize for not meeting the requirements). Not forgetting the highly embarrassing fumble i made during my interview when i blabbered something and ended my blabber with "erm, er, never mind. *giggle*"
Oh goodness, so retarded!

My conclusion is: I will continue to pursue this as long as the coast is clear and until God decides to say ENOUGH, closes the doors and places me somewhere else.

So anyway. I've got ONE more day of break at home to do my YGOS reflections and then it'll be back to work on tuesday. Hm, i look forward to my Breadtalk breakfasts almost every morning before hitting the workplace. Teehee. *beam* I'm wondering if i should begin using my lunch hour to go running. I usually feel like a squishy and pudgy pao after lunch and it makes me feel uncomfortable! A surefire way to put on weight sia... I think i've been doing well in keeping my weight in check at the moment, and i don't wanna mess it up!

All righty, good night folks. It's 4 in the morning. A long post after a long time. Talking in long rambly posts often is more my thing!

PS: KUNGFU PANDA IS DARN FUNNY. I LAUGHED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW SIA!

Hey everyone.... :-)

I'm back from camp with a class of students from KSS and dinner with my Library Gang girlies. I'm not feeling as dead as a few days ago because i was like... the only or one of the only people who actually slept early during the chalet. HA. The YGOS staff and volunteers mocked me for sleeping so early and said that they'll make me sleep at 3am next time. ARGH! NO!!! Shucks, i found out that i pretty much lose out even to the older adults at YGOS. Woah seh, how do they do it lor. Weeks of camps, work, family life, late nights, school work... Always smiling, always friendly, always pursuing what is good and noble. I take my hat off to them.

The class of students were as interesting a bunch as students go, though i can't mentioned too much here. I just pray that seeds of life, purpose and hope have been sown into their lives.

Going through all this with YGOS is definitely ripping me out from my comfort zone though i've been blessed with the best colleagues that i can possibly have. Which is a saving grace. I stumble and grab around as i navigate my way through my journey, but i feel like this is really just the process of growth. You know. How you will grow best when you are put through new things, when you experience challenges and tackle opportunities to exercise your skills, and test your limits and make new ones.

I'm still learning to be comfortable with who i am, how i work, how to handle myself under stress (this one is HARD), to show love and not dwell in selfish pride, carrying myself with confidence and sharing the gospel. Amongst other things, i'm sure.

I've got a live-in temporary brother! :-DDD
My cousin from M'sia is here to stay for a while till he can get accomodation near the uni of nanyang. ;-p He's here to do a masters program too and he informed me about the status of the accomodation waiting list for graduate hostel living. 200 names on the waiting list! I have no chance sia.

I'll be off to JB tomorrow. Wedding photoshoot! (ain't mine)

So much drama has happened over the past one week that i don't even know where to begin and how much i can really share over the internet. Anyway, here goes:

1. Close shave with Death
A few seconds made the difference between life and death in my family on saturday. I could have been made an orphan or i could have lost one parent in an accident. Apparently some totally reckless and selfish driver beat the red light at a junction, and almost CRASHED into the right side of the car that my folks were in. If my dad had not seen the car coming on his right at the corner of his eye and jam braked, a horrible tragedy could have occurred. When i think about what my folks went through, no words can express how angry i am at that inconsiderate driver. I can only say that GOD PROTECTED MY PARENTS and perhaps it was not their time to leave the Earth yet.
This incident REALLY woke me up from my complacent attitude towards loving and caring for my folks and family. I realized that i have not loved them enough and showed enough care and gentleness towards them in their lives so far. I know that i have not given them what they deserve as well meaning, loving and long suffering parents. If they had died, i would feel intense regret at my actions and behaviour towards them.
I now don't take it for granted that they will be home every day. I used to just believe that they will be home everyday as per normal, and it was so mundane that it became unimportant. But now, cold water has been thrown in my face as i am shown that death CAN happen within my family. There's no such thing as, "It will never happen to me." It CAN happen to you. I now thank God every time i see my parents at home. It's a miracle and a blessing to see them alive and healthy everyday. I will never forget that, and neither should you. Take me seriously. Don't EVER take your loved ones for granted.

2. Lovely Friends
Had dinner and ice cream with a small group of cell mates who were still around after service... And then had good, honest girly chats and chill out session (actually, sunday was darn hot!) from saturday to sunday. Enough said. :-)

3. Official "Internship" at YGOS
I have joined Youth Guidance Outreach Services (YGOS) as a "intern" on a program called Project Servant. Will be serving there for 2 months. Oh man. I don't know where to begin to tell you guys about it. Got so many thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes i lose them just when i want to pen them down. Argh. The gist is that i will be coming into contact with youths-at-risk, doing stuff like: befriending, going for camps, counselling, facilitating... I'll tell you guys more about what i've been doing and what my thoughts are.
I had a staff retreat from monday to wednesday, and i thank God that i joined them at such a good time. People had time to see who i was, and i had time to get to know others more. I learnt more about what YGOS does and it was enriching.

But not everything was great, and it's not anyone's fault really. Like i said, i'll talk more about that later, IF i can.

4. YGOS - Day 1
Today i had my first day at work and well... time passes really quickly at YGOS! :-) Can't wait to see how i will be interacting with the youths. I haven't officially met any one of them yet.

5. My application got...
While i was sitting at my dining table downstairs, my dad came back from work and stood at the top of the staircase, clinching a stack of letters in the crook of his arm. I spotted an A4 size brown envelope and wondered if it was for me. He stood there longer than usual and said to me: "I think this is your offer letter" with a smile. So i walked up to him and took the envelope and realized that it was from NIE. I wasn't sure if it was really an offer letter since i could not see anything through the transparent plastic window on the envelope that was vaguely related to being accepted. All i saw was: "FULL TIME MASTER..."
While ripping the letter flap, i told my dad, "Skarly it's just a letter to say that i've been (cleanly and promptly) rejected without even a second round of interview...". He just smiled at me, and we both waited in anticipation to see what the document was about.

LO and BEHOLD. I pulled the sheet out and it said...:
"We are pleased to inform you that your application for admission as a full-time candidate for the degree of Master of Arts (Counselling and Guidance) has been successful."

I read that line several times before it hit me that i WAS OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED. I mean... I've been so accustomed to receiving rejection letters from local universities that i was expecting to see something like: "I am pleased to inform you that while you made the first round, we regret that we cannot offer you...."

YES. I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE EN ROUTE TO GETTING MY MASTERS IF I JUST ACCEPT THE OFFER!!! WOW!
The idea blows my mind!

I want to stay in hostel leh, for at least one semester. But i heard that only undergrads get guaranteed a place to stay. I admit that i don't actually need a place to stay at all since i don't stay that far away from NIE. But STILL! I want some campus life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been CRAVING some kind of authentic campus life since forever.

Then again, i have to think about whether i'm really going to take up the offer. Wouldn't it be great though, to do my practicum at YGOS? Hmm, yeah......... ;-D

To Synth

I've always avoided using the string sound whenever i'm playing the synthesizer for service (basically because i don't like the fake sound). But what makes it hard for synth players like myself to fully use the capabilities of the synth in the auditorium is the lack of opportunities to be able to play around with the sounds.

So anyway, the topic of "variety of sounds" came out during last week's debrief and i felt a little indignant. Because i think that while the people-up-there feel that we are free to experiment, there are the elements of communication, subjective tastes in music and personalities that can come in the way of creating One Unified Complementary Sound.

There's also the thing about taking risks, making mistakes and all... And i guess we'll just need to be at the mercy of the amount of forgiveness and understanding from leaders and the band in the midst of trying out what they tell us to.

As i'm sitting here editing my essay, i'm listening to my library of contemporary christian music (and other stuff) with a more specific goal of listening out for what the synth players are doing.

My main question at the moment is:
HOW on EARTH do they switch from sound to sound so fast while filling in, in the appropriate places without missing out a beat, all within the same song and without causing the song to sound empty during the pockets of time used to change sounds?

While another concern is:
I get the feeling that people are not ready to hear the voice of the synth doing its intermittent bursts of effects, albeit using pretty cool sounds. Well, will never know till i do something out of the ordinary eh?

I think that level of deftness will come with familiarity and more practice (both of which i'm not getting). Hey, lets be honest about it, yeah. I think i'll certainly aim to come at a time well before sound check.

But my one last, and actually the most important concern is:

Though having a range of musical styles and variation can help being fresh vibrancy to worship, i don't think we should be too hung up over technicalities. You've got to admit that with better music, people may fall into the trap of paying more attention to the music than to God Himself.

We need to know when to quit being obsessive and pay attention to the real spiritual issues at hand that we may be blind to by our thoughts that we "are doing all right" in our playing and leading. What the ground experiences may not be what we think they're going through. That said, i think the congregation also need to know when to take a step back to recognize that the music is only a tool to help in encouraging worship, and not out there to fabricate a holy-airy-fairy feeling of worship or to create some kind of wannabe rock concert. The music shouldn't really matter, in actuality.

Ok, done muttering for now.

I spent yesterday afternoon venturing around town (Raffles Place) accompanying a young secondary school going youth in snapping shots of what inspired him. (picture a 22 year old bounding beside a 15-16 year old)

It wasn't so much a physically demanding day, but it really was quite a mentally taxing day... In trying to make the whole photo taking outing well meaning, in keeping our conversations fruitful and also in trying not to be push my fuddy-duddy-old-conventional-bore-of-a-nerd personality that i am.

I prayed really hard on the bus... Pleading with God to guide me, to lead me in my words and actions, to shake me from my fears, to just be there with me throughout. For those of you who know me, i'm petrified of people. So you can imagine, i was trembling in my shoes when i had to buddy a youth on my own, of whom i do not know that well, and a youth that's "at risk".

And i really thank Him for being so thoughtful... It was really nice that i was paired up with this guy whom i had the opportunity to talk to for a bit during a previous weekend when we got to the meet the youths for the first time. Oh, and better still, he is from my alma mata. :-D Father God's so funny.

I was quite alarmed initially when my buddy decided to venture off away from the other groups to forge our own photo trail, but the good side to that was he was so self-motivated that i didn't have to worry all that much about having to ride on the enthusiasm of the other groups to evade the issue of slacking or taking "nonsensical" shots. He pretty much led the way and took quite a lot of good pictures. Ah, God knows what i can and can't deal with.

Ah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a breeze to keep some things in check though.

But after the day was done... i was left with so many thoughts. (I realize why i'm such an apathic, and numb person. It's because when i DO feel and think of stuff, i shove them aside because i'm too lazy and afraid to process them. So much so that it's become habitual.)

Because of that bad habit, i really cannot remember much of what i was thinking of, but the most salient thing that has stuck with me from yesterday is this thought: "So now that everything (your volunteer work) is over, what are you going to do from here?"

Now I remember feeling emotionally drained and even relieved that i didn't need to try so hard to drive things along anymore. Like, "Oh man, thank goodness it's over", and sanity returns to my bones.

But then my next thought was: "Is this where it's just going to end? Are you going to let your life revert back to the comfortable and self-centred trundle? Was this just a one time thing? Is this where your so-called 'caring for others' ends?"

I've already seen and heard bits and pieces of what these youths have gone through, and the kinds of lives they live. My educational pathway has brought me through the portals of the good and not so good schools, and i've seen some of the polar ends and different facets of society. Not many, but my horizons are broadening slowly.

I feel challenged by something or someone as i look back on my life and think about what i want to do for life. Many people in the past month or so have posed me THE QUESTION: So what are you going to do in future as a career?

Often, i give the same answer: "I don't know and i'm lost and still discovering." Perhaps an excuse to buy more time to think about what i'm going to do with myself, and perhaps even, more time to NOT think about it.

I'm now trying to look at my life from a macro point of view and i'm asking myself: What has God been putting me through all these years? And through what he's done, who's that completed person at the end of the road that He's envisioned me to be? Who is she and how will she eventually use what she has to serve Him?

I have less than half a year to get some solid options out on paper.

PS: I feel a sense of profound happiness, pride and fulfilment whenever i look at the straw star he made me, and the lollipop he placed into my hands (i cannot bear to eat it, and the ants must NOT get it!). I smile inside when i think back on how in little ways, he showed his care and consideration for me. :-) Thanks L, despite the things in life that you have to bear with, i truly hope that you'll allow God to work in you and change you into the man he wants you to be.

Signing up for Spectra365 wasn't an easy decision for me. (and i don't think i made it easier for Lala... Sorry girl. :-S)

Knowing myself, getting involved in community projects are probably one of the last things that i would -willingly- do. The simple reason, as well as irony, is that i fear people. I fear meeting people, i love AND hate small talk, i feel that i'm not a confident person who's settled comfortably into her own skin. And mind you, all these churning in me alongside the desire to be able to help people.

During the decision making process, i had to give up something that although affirmed me in my gifts, it played up my ego (the bad side to serving on stage). It was either that, or joining the project. But something in me would not allow myself to have any peace if i didn't commit a handful of saturdays to the project. With much struggling and deliberation, i said "yes". In that same instant, i felt very strongly that i did the right thing BUT, i also felt jittery. I could feel the skeletons in my closet clattering away in anxiety.

The first day of Spectra365 came and left, seeing around 80-90 young volunteers going through a ropes course to build up our confidence, to enable us to see the parallel between that and what was to come.

Sometimes you just need to take the first step to overcome your fear. It doesn't mean your fear disappears, it just means that you managed to pluck up the courage to face the challenge. Also, we learnt that we need to face our challenges alone at times, and that we may not always have the benefit of having people around us to cheer us on. Yet, that doesn't mean that we stop in our endeavours. So, the upcoming challenge for all of us will be meeting, bonding and working together with youths at risk in the saturdays ahead.

Previously, at the point of saying yes to the project, i was under the impression that we were going to be dealing with children. But as things moved along, we were recently told that we were going to deal with youths (13 to 20-ish years old).

I baulked at first. Scared out of my wits. With youths, you inevitably get a more complex person to deal with.

But then it dawned on me... How i used to tell myself that given a choice, i'd rather be with secondary school students if i ever got to be a teacher. In other words, i realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reach out to the very group of people i want to, without having to be a teacher, and they're not just any "regular" youths in that general sense, but youths who will require something extra.

I know it'll be naive of me to think that i can 100% change or be a 100% ultra-positive-impact on someone's life in only a few days, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do what i can.

And so it is with cheerful anxiety and joyous fear (plus cranking and storing up on the PR juices) that i'll wait till the day that i can meet the youth that i'll be attached to. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter... Lets see what magic we'll create together when we go on our photo taking trip at the end of Feb!

(Note: we're to take about one or a few days to break the ice with the youths at the beneficiaries' place, then there'll be a designated route for a photo taking trip where we'll work together with the youths to take photos together)

I'm probably going to need to study some national geographic magazines while i'm preparing for it though. My knowledge of photography is sooo limited. Teehee.