Was going through my old chemistry, mathematics and biology exercises (oh, the blood, sweat and tears...) from JC because i decided that i really needed to empty out the clutter for a new season in my life.

While flipping through the stacks of files with fullscape paper filled with my writing of solving sums, finding measurements of chemicals, etc, i found that i didn't quite understand or remember any of the stuff from math and chem anymore. (Bio was my pet subject though)

Goes to show how essential those things learnt at the A Levels really are to real life huh. I can only hope that the abstract/logical/creative/etc thinking that was suppose to develop as a result of all that torture actually happened. Otherwise, what in the world was all that FOR?! HAHAHA.

thought for the day

God made so many kinds of people and is always moulding all sorts of people to be who they were meant to be... Like, people...

who have keen business sense... to make money and give it away (hopefully)
who go through pain and hurt (or otherwise) to bring healing to the hurting
who are artistic, bringing another dimension of beauty that touches the hearts and souls of the beholders
who love probing into the realm of science, only to discover that there must be a higher brain behind all of it
who are annoying (at times or all the time)... to build patience and Godly love in the rest of us (haha, maybe this isn't biblical)

who do you think God made you to be? :)

It was funny how on a sunday morning when i was suppose to be watching Inception and getting my brain all twisted up with Gem, i landed up pretty much all alone with nothing urgent to do sitting at the Food Basement @ 313.

The taglines stuck on decals on the walls surrounding me read: 'Food to Go for People on the Go'.
And I was going nowhere.

In those moments, two things happened. One, i had time to sit and talk to God and pray. Which was such an irony. I was more free being out than i would be if i were sitting at home. Two, a family that descended on the seats next to me really blessed me. Not that they did anything to or for me. All they did was, BE a family. From the way parents spoke to the children, and children to parents, you could tell that there is love in the home and mutual respect for one another.

Though i was either looking straight ahead (of course sometimes secretly glancing at the children from the corner of my eyes) or having my eyes closed, i was smiling inside.

I read an article today in Shape magazine and was stoked over this term: ethnobotanist. An Ethnobotanist is a scientist who studies how people use plants. So in the pages that followed, there were suggestions on how to make home remedies for ailments that can be treated with the medicinal properties in plants.

This just sparked in me a few things.

WHAT?! THERE'S SUCH A THING?!?!?! WHY DIDN'T I KNOW? I'D HAVE GONE AND LEFT AND STUDIED THIS! (and of course, get out of Singapore's boring, boring pool of occupations and university courses)

Okay, well, yes the above and...

1) Passion

Yesterday, mum asked me: "what is your passion?"
I answered: Animals.

On hindsight, i should have said "nature". I love nature. It calms and fascinates me. Brings me close to God. Nature is insane. That is, insanely creative, ingenious, overwhelming, encompassing, unified.

2) "Aromatherapy" (i use this term loosely) and other natural remedies isn't Evil

I disagree with the belief that using plants for healing and recovery is something that is "not from God", as some people may say.

Think about this for a moment. The very ingredients that modern medicine is derived from are cultivated from natural elements --> Plants/Organisms. Who created plants and organisms? God. So if Christians can see medicine as one way that God helps man to heal from sickness, why not plants?

After all, God CREATED these very plants to have their medicinal properties. He basically provided His children on Earth with, i quote Shape magazine, "an all-in-one living supermarket, pharmacy and home improvement centre". God is an extravagant God. He blessed us with nature and all it has to offer, for our benefit. And it isn't just for the pretty view.

So, it isn't as airy fairy or as "new age" as it's made out to be. As long as we know who created all of these, and thank Him, the One who provided.

(Back to Passion. I love things to do with health. beauty. i'm vain, told ya! but i share good tips too!. sports. music. food and cooking.)
(so what am i doing being a counsellor to humans? well... That's God's doing. :) it's the passion to follow His will even though it scares me BAD. i always have thoughts of running away. But there's something i heard recently: fear is used by satan to stop us from doing God's will because he doesn't want us going where we should. so how? Lean on God, His love (God is Love, yo.). And as the wise book says, there is no fear in love.

Yet, the truth is. I always had this feeling that being a counsellor is my calling for this season, but may not necessarily be so for the rest of my life. I don't know if people have heard me, but when i share my testimony of why i'm in this profession, i always add, "I definitely know that this is what God wants for me to do, for now."

There, i said it in black and white.

Yesterday was our 4th year and 8 month anniversary... It's almost 5 years since we've gotten together. But if i were to hazard a guess, just for fun, of the amount of time that we've ACTUALLY been in each other's physical presence, i think it would only come up to... 2 1/2 to 3 years? HAHA. Mostly because we're both quite busy in this phase of our lives. Busy-ness usually ISN'T and SHOULDN'T be a reason to explain away the lack of time spent with your partner. But, we've been REALLY busy.

I guess we're both independent individuals who also enjoy our space and own activities, but of course each other's company as well. There is a comfort in being both apart and together. Perhaps that is easier to say and do for now since we've not started living under one roof. But still, we are who we are and we are perfectly fine without clinging to one another.

I've learnt though, that being TOO involved in your own life has its pitfalls because that sidelines the other person and s/he may be prone to wander... in whatever ways you can think of. It is never good to take the other person's presence for granted. So Gem and i do keep the smses going, though not all that often, but at least one sms conversation a day. Or a call.

There's been a lot of "wedding talk" around me recently. Friends talking about getting married soon and friends talking about the things i should do in prep for my own wedding... Not that he has proposed anyhow. hurhur. I can't wait to be at my friends' weddings, i don't mind being a jiemei over and over if they don't mind the supposed "inauspicious" aura around that. :P

I happened to glance at the stack of GNC Fish Oil capsules that my folks have stocked up on and decided to try one just for fun. So i shook out a lovely yellow softgel pill and supposedly washed it down with some tap water... Well, supposedly. The dang thing took like 10 minutes to fully make its descent down my throat into my stomach. HAHA. Felt it slowly centimetering its way down via peristalsis despite my efforts at making it go down faster with my morning earl grey tea. Felt so constipated in my throat! Kinda like a smaller scale of the feeling you get when you've swallowed a hardboiled egg too quickly and the contents are so stuck that you just have to not panic, just breathe slowly and let it go down without gagging.

Recently, i've given up on my Dr Brandt eye cream. It does nothing for me even after using it religiously... and it has the nerve to make my eyes feel puffy and heavy after applying it during the day! Bah. So i decided to give Aesop's parsley seed anti-oxidant eye cream a try. Well, i like it so far and my eye bags do look slightly better (i'll elaborate on this later). Ok, SLIGHTLY. Aesop does not promise to do things that it cannot do like some other brands, which i respect so much.

By the way girls, i'm currently trying this little regimen out. I've done just a bit of reading on the internet and decided to do (in Gem's words) a little "science experiment".

Project ZapDarkEyeCircles (NOT eye bags... cos they're still there)

Before i sleep, i warm up an eye pack and place it over my eyes for as long as i feel is necessary. This supposedly causes the blood capillaries to dilate and increase blood flow. Well yeah, when i looked into the mirror, i was horrified to see my undereyes so red. So that worked. I'm dilating the capillaries to help decongest/detoxify the eye area later...

After which, i used a small loofah/brush to gently "dry brush" my neck and eye area. I cannot really demo how i did it here, or describe it. It's something i learnt at a workshop that i attended with my mom and am willing to try out. Click on the link to read about it!

When i'm done, i put on another eye pack but this time, a cold/cool one over my eyes. This causes the capillaries to constrict again and lessen the redness from the previous increased blood circulation. When i'm happy/eye pack has warmed up/when i've fallen asleep and woken up with a start at 4am to find the tv still on and the "cool" eye pack warmed up from my body heat (this is usually the case), then i'll smooth on some of the Aesop eye cream. And then, i hit the sack.

In the morning... I am PLEASED to find that my eye bags aren't as red anymore!

So, i'm not sure if the improvement is from the cream, or the massage or both. So, i guess i'll know in time to come. Whatever it is, i'm going to continue with this regimen since it works for me and also well, by the end of the day, my eyes feel tired again and will need some TLC.

Oh, and something i found rather amusing from the Aesop eye cream packaging. I was expecting your usual factual tips you get from health and beauty products:

"Aesop Eye-giene (hurhur) Tips

- The skin around your eyes is the second thinnest on your body. Always smooth product in, never rub. (sounds normal enough)
- The eye area has very few sebum producing glands so is prone to dryness. Hydrate regularly.
- Sleep derivation is evidenced under the eyes. Treat yourself to an early night at least once a week (HAHAHA. Boy, do they know how busy people are nowadays around the globe!)
- Wearing UV protective sunglasses in summer (in Sg, it's all the time, baby) helps prevent squinting, an unnecessary strain for the eye area.
(and lastly... the one that took me by surprise)
- Avoid excessive tears by only watching movies with happy endings."

Ah, the packaging writers have a sense of humour, no? :)
I think that's the kind of attitude i want to have in life. Throw in a little humour, we don't have to be so prim, proper and serious all the time!

V and i went to the littlematchgirl boutique at Tiong Bahru Plaza this evening... and i think we left the floor slippery with our drool.

The collection that they've got currently is SO, ME. Toga tops and dresses, tops with frills that are not over the top but just enough to accentuate the lines on the garment, lace, semi-looking halter neck tops (dunno what you call them). Gosh. LOVE. Slightly annoyed that their website does not seem to be working. Meh. :(

Didn't buy anything cos the clothes weren't within my budget. Some other boutiques that are carrying stuff now that are extremely me are, Miss Selfridge, Dorothy Perkins, Mango... All the earthy tones, relaxed, flowy, beachy at times. AGH! But all cannot afford. This's one of the pertinent reasons why i resort to shopping online. Ah well.

Ah yes, we watched How to Train your Dragon, and it is such a lovely, heart warming show... And cute as well... The character creators and animators really know how to make (animal loving) audiences squeak with delight! The dragons behave exactly like dogs and cats that we are more familiar with. Themes in the movie were love and friendship, family, acceptance, identity. Toothless the dragon reminded me of Jed big time, so much so that i just wanted to go home and cuddle Jed so bad!

At the end of the show, the image of Hiccup and Toothless walking side by side each other with each of their little physical flaws is stuck in my mind. Hiccup lost his leg from the knee down and had a metal replacement, while Toothless's tail had a fin missing... Handicapped in some way, but both accept one another as they are and help one another make up for their shortcomings. Sweet. :)

All Assignments. Status: DONE
It is really all over now. (Unless i fail my module lah)
Ah, so bittersweet. Now... time for my dissertation! :D

*

Sad. My glass bottle of Aesop facial cleansing oil crashed onto the floor this morning just before i needed to leave for school. My heart dropped to the floor along with bottle as i stared at the shattered bottle and the glass shards that lay on the floor from my bathroom to my room, and i felt such a sense of loss when i saw the rich yellow oil spread across the tiles. To think that just a moment ago as i was washing my face i was thinking: I must find a way of how not to waste this...

I know, it's just a facial cleanser... But it was something i saved up for because it really is quite pricey and it was something that never failed to give me precious, refreshing, pleasureable moments in the middle of a busy day whenever i inhaled the beautiful aroma of botanical oils. Oh well. :(

On another note... Well, my semester is OVER! ALL my assignments have been handed in. No more pressing deadlines! :DDD True, i've STILL got my dissertation to write, but that's another chapter altogether.

I spoke to my lecturer in her office today and I'm reminded again of how grateful i am for her support for me. She was the one who listened when my class had a mini crisis, she helped me through my practicum last year when i was facing some issues, and she was there as i spoke and cried (yeah, i did... the tears just came uncontrollably. *facepalm*) in her office when i shared how i taxed i was feeling from my family situation and needed a break form everything.

Today, she expressed to me that she and the other lecturers see potential in me to pursue my PhD. I've ever thought of doing that, yes. But that will come after some working experience and only if it contributes to something. I would only do it if it benefits in some meaningful way, because... i HATE academic writing. I'm honoured that she would think this of me as i do hold PhD holders in high regard. As i walked out from her office, i have to admit that i was chuckling to myself about my recent couple of assignments that was... well... kinda just well, in my opinion, sucky.

So i came home and had a leisurely lunch of leftover dinner from yesterday.

I can't remember the last time i had lunch in front of the television in the afternoon. Or watching television in the afternoon, for that matter.

(ok, i know that privilege doesn't apply to working people though!)

to know life, is to know death

Strange urge to share this, and i posted it as a note on fb too:

Had my last class in NIE yesterday night. I returned home feeling as if part of my life got cut off suddenly with no closure. There were short farewells, and then the rapid disappearances of people i know and have journeyed with for two years, but suddenly feel so distanced from. I guess everyone was tired and itching to get home to rest and/or complete the assignments before the deadlines.

We usually close our last lesson with food and drinks, but somehow, we seemed to have lost the enthusiasm for such things.

I miss school life suddenly, now that i've had my last official lesson in NIE. And I realize that i want to treasure every last moment as a student for the next 6 months and not hurry the process.

Now i understand, just in part, of what it means to live life intentionally once you've understood what "the end" means. Coincidentally, this is linked to my last presentation for my module, which also happens to be my last presentation in NIE ever, which was on multicultural counselling for death and bereavement issues.

I started out my course knowing that it was going to be tough, and it was. I struggled and complained. But now I want to savour and grasp every last experience of what it means to be a student. That means, doing my assignments with relish, doing my dissertation with my utmost effort and interest, but yet also feeling the emotions of frustration and pressure, with appreciation and thankfulness instead of dread.

I will stop saying that i want to get out of school and get to work, because I don't know when's the next time i'll ever step into school as a student. Another Masters? PhD? Only God knows. I pretty much don't see the point unless i'll get to do hands on training/practice or if i'm making an actual contribution to something or someone.

Earlier would have been nice, but I'm glad these feelings came now and no later than this.

This concept probably isn't new to you, but i guess i just wanted to share these personal thoughts from my experience.

Life doesn't "begin", or get "happier" or "easier" after a (tough) phase or journey is over. Because there will always be new milestones and new phases, Life therefore happens every second. It is how i let my heart and mind perceive my experiences and what meaning i make and attach to every passing moment that gives life, Life.

A long time ago when i was around maybe 5-6 years old i remember being in my church's old sanctuary with my mum and dad one day, before it was renovated. The sanctuary, what it was called back then, was where the adults would go for services.

I remember that incident quite vividly. When the adults were singing with praises and worship to God, i felt a churning in my being. Not the toilet sort of course. For the lack of any better word, my inner being felt "touched" and "inspired", I just felt my insides feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Tears would come and i didn't understand why. But i could draw and write. So i drew an image of something or other, and wrote something with "Jesus" and "Prayer" in it and i remember showing it eagerly to one of my folks.

Looking back, i know now. Being a child, there just wasn't any preconceived ideas, no theology, no debates. Just a clean, untainted slate, open and receptive to God's presence.

And that's how God wants us to be like. To be like little children, coming to Him innocently. With hearts and minds open, clear and totally trusting.

weather or not, i believe.

This morning as i look out my window to behold the clear, brilliant blue sky with puffs of white clouds, i'm reminded of God's humour and goodness that i wanted to share...

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and my family was going to spring a BBQ surprise on him with two other families whom we're close to and have known for years. On the surface, i looked fine and even emotionally felt fine. But if you know some thing about me and my family, celebrating his birthday isn't an easy affair deep down inside. But, anyhow...

The weather looked good for the early part of the day, but slowly and surely, the sky started to turn grey... and then the rain came in all its glory the way it has in the recent days in the west side of Singapore. The sky remained dark and grey. It rained for hours. The kind of rain that keeps going on and on and on...

It was quite saddening because firstly, it was our planned surprise (food was prepared by all parties involved), and secondly, we hadn't had a BBQ in a long while. But i decided to just PRAY and TRUST. Truth be told, there were times when i was telling God i trusted him, more to convince myself to trust! As i chopped my garlic and onions and minced up my basil leaves in the kitchen which has a nice big window, i kept praying and asking God for good weather in time for our BBQ.

If you could read my thought bubbles, you'd see things like "God! The plants have already been watered... Enough rain!", "God! PLEASEEEEEE stop the rain!" "Please please please please..." "God, please stop the rain to prove to (X, no names here!) and to me that you are a good and great God!"

Let me tell you, there were times when the rain seemed to lessen and when i got excited, the intensity picked up again. -.-"

So the time came when our friends arrived and i had to collect the BBQ pit keys from the security office. I trudged up with a big ole brolly, slippers slapping into fresh puddles, with thick rain drops drumming down around me. Even the friendly guards were empathetic towards us and gave some advice about how to keep the food sheltered. When i returned to the pit to hand our friends the keys, it was 6pm. They then began to set up the pit with such enthusiasm anyway.

Then the miracle happened.

Between 6 to 6:30pm when i started to squirrel the food downstairs (while sister distracted dad with his new iphone in the room so that he would not know of our disappearances), the rain started to lighten.

I asked God, "God, i'm trusting you for a total stop of the rain!" I cannot explain it, but i just BELIEVED that God would stop the rain though it did not look like it would at all. I felt like a child begging her dad for a toy, but somehow the begging was a happy kind of begging.

I am fully aware of the fact that i'm just a tiny little speck of a human child in the whole of Singapore, let alone the universe, and that asking God for him to stop the rain just for me and my family and friends seems like an arrogant, smartass, self indulgent favour to ask of such a gigantic and all knowing, powerful God. But even so, it was His heart that i trusted.

And at scheduled 6:30-6:40pm when it was time to bring dad down for his surprise, the rain had stopped. Totally.

Not just that. The sky had cleared, the clouds had broken and parted. Once more, blue was back and there was a brillant, orange sunset that was just beginning to spill its orange glow all over. As far as i know, such rich orange sunsets happen only on hot, rainless days.

I felt like God was saying, "Just wait for it... Trust me. I know when's the best time. It will be amusing!"

From just a moment ago when the rain didn't seem like it was going to stop, within a short 30 minutes, it did. And we even had a beautiful sunset. All of us who were there were praising God for the good weather, just in time!

Yes, i may be a small speck asking for weather to stop just for me, for my dad, his friends and for his birthday. From a God.

A huge, unseen, maybe seemingly distant God.
An all intelligent, all powerful, all mighty, all just and righteous Warrior God.
Yet He is also an all loving, all kind, all merciful, Creator God.

Yes, i may still be a speck to many, but my dad and I are not specks to Him. To Him, we are Children. Precious. Loved. Remembered. Cherished.

And it is precisely because God is all that, and more, that makes Him the God I believe in and worth doing so.

I do wonder what yesterday did for X, but i hope that this little episode ministered in a simple and profound way.

Cleared out old blog links and adding new ones to the side... If anyone objects to either, please let me know!

***

It's quite freaky for me to learn that some people want to be psychologists because they think that they can judge others.

***

As a noob, training and learning to be a counsellor is painful.

My skills (which of course is limited at the moment) is openly challenged, i am fearful and anxious. There is a lot of pain to hear about and work with in the counselling room which i cannot "bring home" after a day's work. Mistakes are plentiful, disappointment in myself is cutting and sometimes sadly becoming a familiar feeling.

Yet, for now, it doesn't make me want to give up. Instead, it spurs me to want to be a better counsellor. I think it helps greatly that i have the support of colleagues and a good working environment. I noted that this feeling of wanting to be better isn't something i had to force myself to feel that i had to do. I didn't have to tell (or psycho) myself into thinking that i had to take all the negative feedback positively. The desire to improve just comes out naturally from my being.

Some might say, "you're not jaded enough", or, "you just wait". True to some extent. Burnout happens to many a counsellor, and it can happen subtly or drastically. I know i have to be consistently aware of my emotional and mental states, take stock of what's happening to be able to manage the issues as they come.

I wrote this as i was reflecting on what was happening in me and i wondered and then realized how crucial it is for counsellors to have a supportive friend or family member, a network that will help us release the pent up pressure inside. And i think, i'm pretty blessed. :)

For those who know me, i'm generally more of a pessimist, so saying this in all honesty surprises even myself!

Though i knew it then, it didn't hit me as hard before. But i now know why junior college life was so friggin' hard for me and why i didn't do all that fantastic for my 'A' Levels.

Because NOW it gives me the opportunity to understand life from their point of view, to tell them that there IS hope and a fighting chance if they try, though the road is definitely rough.

Not to say that counsellors who were super pro back in college can't be effective, but i really feel that there is so much more meaning when i speak as someone who struggled too.

I would find it so much harder to empathize, encourage, cheer them on if i had breezed through college and got my As. If everything was perfect, i would have had nothing to share.

So yes. There is a reason for what i went through. To be of some help to those around me where i am placed for this season.

Avatar

Edit: woah, i'm thinking of catching the show again and/or buying the DVD. if there were non-pill versions of addictive drugs placed in movies to keep people watching, i think James Cameron stuffed this one full of it and it's working for me and loads of other (unsuspecting)people and critics! (same for his other movie isn't it, the Titanic? There were people who watched it 100 times or more!)

For the first time ever, we double dated. Well, sort of. Haha. It was the first time the folks went out to watch a movie on a weekday night either in a looooooooooong time, or if ever.

Last week, i told mum that i was going to watch Avatar with Gem and she promptly asked dad if he wanted to go as well. So this evening, two couples went to the Lido Cineplex for the 7:30pm show.

Boy.

I will be eating, sleeping, thinking, DREAMING, Avatar, man.

The story is simple. Man wants resources from the land belonging to a difference race (the Na'vi) and push their agenda by force. The Na'vi retaliate, the hero who served Man at first moved his allegiances from Man to the Na'vi when he learns about their way of life and when he falls in love with one of the Na'vi. Full on battle, Na'vi wins, and hero becomes a real member of the Na'vi.

But more than that, there were quite a handful of messages! It subtly or otherwise raises issues and familiar political topics like the the war in Iraq, Afganistan, the destroying of the Amazon forest by heavy industry, genocide of Native Americans (read from an online article), that nature will eventually "fight" back when the balance between nature and human activity (extraction of resources, etc) has been upset (global warming anyone?). I was amused and appalled that they even threw in the term "shock and awe", a concept (from the Nation Defense University of the USA) referred to as "rapid dominance" (wikipedia: "spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight").

After the show, it even got my folks discussing the content. As a bonus, my mom didn't get motion sickness. I was a bit worried that she might and wouldn't enjoy the 166 minutes in the cineplex because we watched it in 3D and there was quite a lot of action. Haha. Everyone liked the show, and i was glad it was moolah well spent.

In the first part of the show, there was a lot of "romancing" going on between the movie goer and movie. My church mate likened it to watching Jurassic Park, when you get to experience the vastness and lushness of the flora and fauna and the sheer monstrosity of the lifelike dinosaurs. In my opinion, the purpose was to allow the viewer to appreciate and sink into the beauty of a different world, to come to value the culture, creatures and livelihood of a people different but yet not so different from ourselves.

So when the destruction kicks in, you pretty much may feel some degree of pain and grief that the Na'vi must've felt when they saw their beloved forest (their whole lives, basically) and loved ones being murdered. My mom commented that when she was watching the war take place, she "felt disturbed". She could feel the chaos. For some people like myself, i didn't feel sad at all when a human being took a hit because all our sympathies were with the Na'vi.

Honestly, i walked away with one thing resonating most strongly in my mind and soul. And that is that what i saw really isn't very different from what's happening today in our world. The tribes of indigenous people being harmed today due to the destruction of their forest homes for the resources present there aren't from another planet, they're just on the other side of OUR planet. Even if the extraction of resources isn't the main issue, there has been and probably still is the senseless discrimination of such people.

I don't know what i can do to stop it, and my heart grieves.

Narnia is freaking awesome. Ok, I'm biased because i love medieval related war scenes (swords! bows! arrows! catapults! chain mail! armour!), horses, mythical animals, animals in general. But as i was saying...

In Prince Caspian, I love it when little Lucy emerges from the forest, steps onto the bridge and faces an army of probably hundreds. She's fearless as she unsheathes her little dagger. She appears all alone till the majestic Aslan comes up from behind to stand beside her.

I just love the image it portrays. Despite facing the odds of 2 is to hundreds, she had placed her complete trust in her hero, the one whom she believes had come to overcome and to save. So much so that she could step out in total confidence to confront grown and war bloodied men with her tiny "letter opener".

It isn't just about what we can do on our own. After all, all we can do is give whatever we've got. We can't go beyond that. What we CAN do however is believe in the One who has the utmost wisdom, power and authority, who will make up for what we lack to help us conquer our challenges.

That is what makes the whole difference.

Breathing a little easier now, now that the assignments have all been handed in. I have just my practicum hours left to clock (ARGH, i still don't know if i'll have enough hours), reports to write as i go along, and session preparations to be done as i think of the intervention plan for each person. It's quite draggy work, but give me this any time, rather than school work man.

I was just thinking of how much work takes up my time such that I am wondering how my involvement in church will be like in future when majority of my life will be consumed by work. I'm hoping that as a counsellor, work stops in the office, but with the way things are right now... I'm suspecting that reports will eat into personal time, which isn't the way i want to live!

I caught myself thinking a while ago, whether i can skip this and skip that and just go for service only. It was then when I pretty much realized that you know, it's because i am around in church a lot that keeps me encouraged because of the friends i meet and the whole atmosphere of being in the presence of like minded people. This isn't to say that God doesn't exist outside of church, nor does it mean that my Christian walk ceases to exist once i step out of church.

But what i DO realize as part of REALITY, is that if i become too busy, and church and Christian living is relegated to a trip to church for 2 hours out from the whole week, i am likely to go down the slippery slope of being a sunday Christian. A Christian in name only, with just a hollow heart. Honest.

That was when it DAWNED on me... why, it's so important to have some form of commitment to a ministry(s), where I am accountable to people and there will be at least two or three people who will care enough about me to check up on me now and then. (Ok, i'm thankful that i can think of at least three. Which reminds me. Have I ever bothered about those who haven't been showing up? I think i tend to take the stance that they don't want to be bothered, so i in turn don't bother them...)

It's important to have people check up on you to see if you're still alive, whether you've died from being blown up in the kitchen or something like that, but it's even more essential that there are people who will ask how you're doing, not judge/scold you about why you've not been around and will even ask if there's anything that they can pray for you for. Those people are so precious and far and few in between.

Then again, i'm glad that what i am choosing to do with my life is something i knew God has planned for me to do. And with that, i know that i cannot do it without Him, i know that i will always be relying on Him to guide me and to bring me through. Which helps me keep close in step with Him. By default.

But still, i may fall into the trap of treating God like a genie, and though I toil with and for Him, I may still lose sight of the purpose of the journey every now and then, right?

Which brings me back to full circle. I need to be kept active in my ministry and guard my walk with Jesus like freaking jealously.

I honestly don't care about what people say, but i believe that it IS possible to bring God's love to people through my field of work. Whether it may be to my colleagues or to the people I will see.

I have seen the ways, it is my purpose, and i WILL do so. Time is not something I am in control of, but as long as God hasn't closed the chapter of my life on Earth, my life is for this purpose. Even if i may not see immediate results, i would have at least set something going in some way or other.

Frankly speaking and i am not afraid to say this: If we keep letting "rules"/rationalizations/etc come in the way of making a difference in other people's lives, we actually just perpetuate those obstacles.

I believe, "To see things you've never seen before, you have to do things you've never done before".

AMEN.

To put a cup filled with soybean milk to my lips and taking a deep, satisfying gulp, is a pure blessing of providence.

I count it nothing less than a privilege.

When we are surrounded by abundance, it seems like it's normal to be having the things that we have. Even assuming that it is our human right to have the things we want. Sometimes, we even demand more.

But how many people in other parts of the world, in slums, in poor districts, can afford to demand that? Their basic human right of dignity is sometimes even forfeited and denied. Let alone having basic necessities like food, clothes, clean water... Or soybean milk for that matter.

I'm blessed, and my heart aches with gratitude.

My dad is right. We need to be awful careful before we share the more intimate things in our lives with others. There are times when we feel tempted to share, but it is an act of will to hold our tongue and keep the honesty to ourselves first.

It's not just being honest about some THING, but it's also about being honest with WHO we are as people with other people in our lives. Something i have to figure out.

Which is to me a rather sad existence to be wary all the time, because i'm a frank person, an open book. But in being one, i'm bound to get burnt and get others burnt at some point in time. It's going to take a lot of control on my part to not speak my mind honestly all the time. Sounds a little disturbing, but well, truth is truth. It ain't a perfect and idealistic world.

Are we ready to be honest? Or are we just content with being surrounded by half baked honesty from the people around us? (For the sake of peace and harmony? To be liked?)

It's a delicate balance and lesson to practice. When to be at the right time, and when to never be.

Which is why God is cool. You can be completely honest with him and he won't rat on you, he loves you despite whatever you say, doesn't find fault although he does scold when necessary, is always understanding and non judgmental. Hanging out with God is the most peaceful way to pass the day.

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."

***

For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.