First post after a month at work

Where have I been you ask?

It's been about 1 month since I've started at my new workplace. In summary... I'm on a ridiculously steep learning curve.

I've had 1 traumatic event, which happened to be my first ever case done as an employee. That sure was scarring, but I learnt valuable lessons: to not be intimidated, to find ways out from being cornered to give solutions.

And then though i had expressed reservations about working with a certain population of folks, i'm now working with them and I must say they are generally a delightful bunch once you can engage them.

There have been times that i mentally try to plan an escape route for myself... I entertain strange thoughts like running away to work in a cafe, run away to be employed in something less taxing on the social front... Things like that. Because things can get so hard. In the initial weeks, I was really shaking in my shoes, worried that I'll be assigned a counselee. I felt like I wasn't ready, I felt indescribably anxious. I was a wreck behind my desk. Stressed, worried, desperately praying, fearful, feeling inadequate. You name it.

To some extent, my anxiety has lessened... and I'm not sure if it's because my self psycho-ing is working or whether it's because I'm suppressing my fear. I've written out all the words of encouragement and prayer that people have given me and stuck them on my cubicle walls. I read them and meditate on them when I'm afraid. I have to constantly tell myself that I want to love my job, i'm just here to help, I'm just here to love, just here to be human to another human being. I want my life's purpose to be in sync with my job, and I want to see it as part of my life and not separate.

I knew this was a journey with the Lord, my choices have all along been made with the intention of following the Lord's guidance. I also knew that this wasn't an easy path to take, but I know that the Lord has meant for me to be here, right now. That's the thing that gives me the assurance to carry on and to carry on in good faith that He will protect me and lead me through no matter what.

I know that it's not an easy path to take because i began with the understanding that it's part of God's plan to mould me. And as we all know, a moulding and refining process is never easy. Hence the struggling. I'm faced with my personal fears every day. Which would explain my heightened levels of anxiety.

Yet looking back, i think i've come some way. About 2 years ago, i was way more anxious. While I waited for a student to walk in for counselling, I was in a state of near panic. I would be getting sweaty palms, elevated heart rate, racing thoughts. I remember jumping in my seat every time i heard the sound of the lift landing at the floor I was on.

I don't feel that kind of panic now, but i do still feel pretty stressed. So i take the time to examine my thoughts and try to plant more helpful thoughts in my head to stop myself from over thinking and reacting.

So yeah. This has been the state of affairs. Some might think i'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I am. I guess it's because i just don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to get better at what i do so that I would be able to bring more help than confusion.

Lord. Let me know that You are near. That I'm never alone in that counselling room. You are the greatest counsellor who ever lived and who still lives. Help me to love your people just like you do, and attend to their deepest needs wherever they are at. Help me to grow and mature, and to sharpen my skills so that I can help bring light to what has been in darkness. I'm determined to walk through this because you have ordained this so. Lord, have your way! In Jesus's precious name I pray, Amen.

You can't just keep taking out from the emotional bank. Negativity, criticism, picking on faults. That's all you ever do. All you know. It is your legacy.

In order not to react, i cannot only shut you out mentally. I have to shut you out physically so that i will not hear anything you have to say.

i wonder if this is what they call "post holiday depression". did i enjoy myself too much? or fell in love with Vancouver? or fell in love with being free? i need to work around my mental representations of what life is, or i'm going to be living in a dissatisfied daze.

i don't know why. i'm beginning this year with very strange negative vibes and feelings. it's as if, i'm angry at something, angry with a group of people, just plain angry at everything. it's making me just want to retreat to a very faraway place, to just communicate at the minimum level with people. although i know that that would make me feel lonely after a while. but still.

i also get this feeling of intense dissatisfaction. i don't know if this is because i've been away and i've seen another side to life. i wonder if other travellers feel the same way too.

it's feelings that come from knowing that there is so much more to life out there than here in Sg. The market here is so small, our daily occurrences are so small in comparison to what's happening out there. Basically, perspectives are so limited here.

You have to FIGHT for what you want to do. It seems like such a tough and unforgiving kind of society. Or, seems so. Life here seems to be about neverending striving, pace of life keeps you stressed and wanting to keep up to par with everyone and with expectations of society, of yourself and others. It's all about the doing, doing, doing, doing.

I know how Jonah from the bible feels. Knowing God's calling but wanting to run away from it. Running in the opposite direction, far far away. While Jonah knew God was calling, I have simply forgotten. I find myself wondering: did God really call me into this field of work? I can't remember.

Where has my heart gone, Lord? I feel it hiding underneath so much disappointment, angst and dissatisfaction. Can you revive it Lord, like, genuinely revive my heart? I feel so dead.

i need to get this out of my system before my cortisol levels boil me up alive.

i was reversing into a parallel parking lot when the owners of the nice red toyota celica that was in front of me actually came and wanted to drive off. So common sense tells me to pause in my tracks in the middle of parking so that i don't hit the celica that was reversing backwards before driving off.

because the road was a narrow one, i was in the way of the driver behind me. due to the above situation, i couldn't budge for a few moments, BUT THIS EINSTEIN of a driver behind me started to horn.

and horn.
and hoooornnn...
and horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn.

i tell you, i was so pissed off.

instead of horning the whole neighbourhood awake (it was night time in a dense housing estate), why don't you perhaps stop for a moment and LOOK FURTHER AHEAD TO SEE WHY I AM PAUSING?

sheesh. i passed my driving test you know. and i have a certain level of intellect that i wish you would at least respect.

didn't you learn that you should look at least 100m ahead of you? have you ever thought that perhaps there is a REASON for some things to happen?

BAH! RUDE, IMPATIENT, THOUGHTLESS DRIVER!

Rant over.

I can't believe i had to do this, but i had to cancel brunch with a friend recently just because of this IBS nonsense.

My gut has been protesting recently and it's making me increasing frustrated. At the simplest foods, i get bloated disproportionately to the amount of food that i eat and yesterday and today, i even experienced pain. I used to get backaches and pain before when it used to be worse. I got better in the last few years, but now the pain has returned.

Things started to go downhill after eating a bowl of fish slice ban mian a few weeks ago. I got pretty bloated after that and it pretty much messed up my whole rhythm for the days to come.

Another ironic observation is, is that i'm still having these problems despite my efforts to eat healthier recently. As you would already know, I've always tried to eat balanced meals (carbo, fibre and protein in a meal). Recently, I have added more greens to my diet.

I wonder. Has the increased greens actually aggravated the condition? After all, more fibre = more gas. If this is true with respect to what's happening for me right now, then boy howdy, this really sucks because i've been eating more greens in hope to have better movement in the system and also to get the nutrients from vegetables that nutritionists and doctors always talk about!

:(

Gem has kindly and very sweetly borrowed some books for me on digestion and the gut last week (ever since my complaints escalated) and i guess i need to take some of the suggestions in there seriously. Anyway, just wanted to take the chance to say thanks dear, you're awesome. :)

I had the strangest feeling of being ignored in the last week or so... But i think it's partly me as well. I notice that i'm feeling a bit more reclusive than normal these days. Hoping it's just those crazy woman hormones that go seasonally nuts and would be temporary. Speaking of which. Am having a terrible ice cream craving right now. Okay, to the freezer i go.

After what a certain leader did, i feel quite shortchanged, doubted and discouraged. I don't know for sure why it was done of course, but it sure makes me feel 2nd class by the sheer action that the deed was done.

Honestly, i can face up to difficult truths and i prefer it that way. Yet, I don't want to make myself improve just so that i have to prove myself to anyone. I only have Father God to be accountable to. But still. If only such choices made by others didn't have to elicit such emotions.

Cleared out old blog links and adding new ones to the side... If anyone objects to either, please let me know!

***

It's quite freaky for me to learn that some people want to be psychologists because they think that they can judge others.

***

As a noob, training and learning to be a counsellor is painful.

My skills (which of course is limited at the moment) is openly challenged, i am fearful and anxious. There is a lot of pain to hear about and work with in the counselling room which i cannot "bring home" after a day's work. Mistakes are plentiful, disappointment in myself is cutting and sometimes sadly becoming a familiar feeling.

Yet, for now, it doesn't make me want to give up. Instead, it spurs me to want to be a better counsellor. I think it helps greatly that i have the support of colleagues and a good working environment. I noted that this feeling of wanting to be better isn't something i had to force myself to feel that i had to do. I didn't have to tell (or psycho) myself into thinking that i had to take all the negative feedback positively. The desire to improve just comes out naturally from my being.

Some might say, "you're not jaded enough", or, "you just wait". True to some extent. Burnout happens to many a counsellor, and it can happen subtly or drastically. I know i have to be consistently aware of my emotional and mental states, take stock of what's happening to be able to manage the issues as they come.

I wrote this as i was reflecting on what was happening in me and i wondered and then realized how crucial it is for counsellors to have a supportive friend or family member, a network that will help us release the pent up pressure inside. And i think, i'm pretty blessed. :)

For those who know me, i'm generally more of a pessimist, so saying this in all honesty surprises even myself!

Geez. You live on your own world, so don't you blabber your personal sob story issues to me even when i don't even know you, you don't get to talk to me as if i am the cause of your problems because you set yourself up for them yourself. I don't know what the heck you want, i am trying to accomodate you and you switch here, switch there. Woah lao eh, i wish i were Jed right now so that i don't have to deal with morons like you. I didn't do ANYTHING WRONG. NOTHING. ZILCH. If you're in a bad state to begin with, don't go and unload all your crap on me. I don't care if you're some big shot. I didn't deserve that kind of treatment from you.

Where do they get these jokers from man, seriously.

God, please help me.

Rant over.

***

Guess it's time once again for the semester summary of assignments! Usually i do this towards the end of the semester when i am highly stressed and rushing them out. Maybe it's time to do things differently for a change. Heh. In the mean time, a Jed update.

He's much better and is no longer as bloated as before. Almost back to the usual when it's a norm for him to come around begging for food, something that he always does rain or shine. It's like, as long as he SPIES the journey that the food makes as you lift your hand to your mouth, he perks up and runs over to you in hope he can secure a hand out. Yesterday, he was too bloated and lethargic to move much so he skipped the begging but his behaviour today is a lot more familiar. It's a relief. I had wondered if his little kidneys could take so much preservatives... :) Silly puppy!

All i did was ask her a simple question: does too high or too low a pillow cause backaches? cos i woke up this morning with a backache.

and then she unleashes a whole barrage of stuff on me, saying that i don't take care of myself, i don't respect my body, it's cumulative, my body is retaliating. Basically, she was throwing back at me the point that i asked for it, that it was MY fault that i hurt, that i am to BLAME. I was so sick and tired of it all that i retorted to her to stop nagging and stop finding fault with me for every little thing.

a part of me, if i heard hard enough, underneath all that blabbering, i would've heard that she was really saying that i should take care of myself.

but by george, it's SO hard to hear the concern under all that acid.

good grief, and then i was so angry that when she brought up another issue within less than 5 minutes, i was utterly rude back to her. i just freaking had enough of her ability to find all sorts of reasons to say something negative.

i left the room in a big huff yelling that her expectations are too high, that no matter how good i am, i'll never be good enough. that I just wasn't good enough.

the same thing happened yesterday when i was driving when she made a totally unnecessary remark that triggered me off and i raised my voice at her, in front of him. i didn't care if i was going to get scolded for being rude because i have had enough of the nonsense. i needed to prove that what she was doing wasn't helpful.

i don't normally react in such a big diva way. it's my patience for her constant nagging over some fault she finds in me that is wearing so thin that i can no longer hold in my bitterness and i lash back out.

a part of me is saying that i'm an adult, so stop acting like an impulsive angsty teenager. another part of me is saying that i will not take unreasonable behaviour lying down. the injustice of being told off when i didn't do anything wrong pisses me off BIG time and if i don't voice it out, it'll eat me inside.

whatever. needed to rant.

Tiger Woods seems to have some really mean time management skills. Juggling between family (1 wife, 2 kids) and allegedly 6 (and counting?) more women.

Sheesh, if all this is true... Then here's another one joining the ranks of multitudes of men who have cheated on their wives. WHAT SIA. Yes, we're all attracted to beauty but surely there is a head with a brain somewhere in these men that can be involved in making responsible choices, no?

It's not ONE woman, like he had a lapse in judgment somewhere. It's like, "hello there, you with the skirt? Wanna get it going?"

Like, hello? No conscience is it? And those frisky women. Shame on you! RAGGH!

It's beyond frightening to me that when i read the first page of an online article of this whole tiger woods fiasco, most of the comments on that first page actually are so blase about the whole thing. There were comments like, "Get over it", "He's only human", "I'm surprised that everyone is surprised". The worst comment i read was "Get over it! Life happens, monogamy is not normal and that is the truth." I mentally did a double take and would have choked if i was consuming something.

Are people so jaded and used to infidelity that they are able to close an eye and treat it as part of life? HELLO? Where have moral values in this world gone to?! Where have trust, respect, honour all disappeared to??? Seems like people are so used to hearing men cheat that it's no big deal anymore. Ok fine, if they say, "morality be damned, i live by no rules", then how about something as FUNDAMENTAL as the mental and emotional PAIN that they are going to cause the family? Like, for starters, the one they said their VOWS to, the person they PROMISED to honour and respect?

If people start off thinking that they are going to cheat anyway, then don't hurt others by getting married, bringing children into the world, only to desert them along the way.

i don't get why the Jet allows the keypad to pop up when i select the field to type in my blog title, but it doesn't let the keypad pop up when i want to enter in an entry in the type-a-post field. touch screen phones. bleargh.

a trip to nie recently shot and blew up my holiday dreams to smithereens. my holiday dreams meaning just 4 weeks of peace, without having to think about work and school.

the good thing was that i managed to tie up the loose ends of one of the major problems i was facing academically, but in the meeting, i was also told that i needed to catch up with the others in dealing with my dissertation/thesis. i told my lecturer honestly that i was so worn out, so tired. i haven't had a break since the beginning of the year, and the stresses of school has taken a toll on me. i'm the not the only one, apparently. my classmates feel the same way. they're feeling more tired than before in this semester that just passed by. and of course, there was the major family issue that erupted in may, that killed my june break AND the peace of mind that i needed to face my practicum (which also started in may, so, no break either).

i actually cried in her office that day. i usually try my best to control myself in front of strangers but i didn't this time. i almost cried in front of my boss at work too when i told her that i had a family crisis and couldn't handle certain things.

i had hoped that i could breathe easier for these few puny weeks in december before school starts again in january. i find that this whole year, my stress levels have been kept at above the normal average levels and sometimes peaking at maximum or close to maximum. i marvel at the fact that i have not yet sprouted out white hair, which i did in JC... oh yes, i DID in JC. gosh.

and so when i finally settled some issue with the lecturer, she dropped the bomb that i still had to do readings for my dissertation and get some writings done because submission next year will be close and i will have my practicum to settle still, AND plus one more academic module. Ok, doesn't sound that bad in number, but finishing the practicum hours are very draining. So, to add a module PLUS carrying out a research and doing research paper writing, is just... monkey.

yet. one thing that took the heat off is that my thesis isn't meant to be a groundshaker, it's just suppose to give me an experience of carrying out a research. my heart slightly lifted when i heard that. lowered expectations is good. i just find it curious that they don't expect more out of masters students.

now as i'm writing this, i'm considering if i should take one more semester to finish this course off (ie, stay in NIE for one more year, versus the 6 months that i have now), or should i stick to my guns, feel the stress build up but finish along with everyone else. I'm thinking about my health, my sanity. My IBS problem started when i was doing my undergraduate studies, and back then, it was worse. Now, it's better but it still occurs. i prefer my stress related health issues to stop at IBS, thankyouverymuch. Through my practicum, i've seen how stress can really cause havoc in a person. It's quite crazy, what it does. I don't want that to happen to me.

i'm just glad that my topic for my thesis interests me. it's on fatherhood (prayed about it), but i don't know how i'm going to develop that into anything just yet.

i guess... i'm going to have to let my interest take me through and God handle the nitty gritty.

and then there is the question of whether i should spend the time left on myself, or spend it on others. that is, leading a group at a youth camp. i'm like... argh. i. need. time. for. myself. i don't know. quandary.

i think i may take up my lecturer's suggestion of taking a break. not some shopping break, not a break that would require moving around and doing things, but something that would allow me to SLOW DOWN to a STOP. to cease the erratic running around and frenzied thoughts that worry me all the time, take some time to chill, reflect, change my mindset on things, so that i can move ahead with a positive mind frame. i don't know what that may be because it's a bit late to go booking for holidays.

so, ambrose, you're right. i NEED TO DO SOMETHING, which is about doing NOTHING. Or, close to nothing.

maybe a trip to sentosa, a short stay at a cheap hotel there. near the beach. i do so miss the beach. then again. where's the money going to come from??? gagh... maybe home will have to do.

my classmate put into words something i didn't realize i was going through.

Burn Out.

Yes, i am burnt out. Not majorly so, but it seems i'm on the route to being so. The only thing that can get me doing work is when i am pressured hard to do it. Otherwise, i can't bear to get typing or get my brain moving. I haven't had a proper break since january. and i'm still struggling with meeting the practicum hours requirement. I may not get to graduate on time because of that.

Recently, i experienced sour burps, something i've not had before/in a long time... And by chance, i happened to read an article about it and i found out that sour burps are a result of stress. i'm worried that i'm going to sprout out white hair soon. honestly, there are a few counsellors i know who seem to be hiding their white hair with hair dye...

I'm tired out from the work load and personal issues, and one of the only pleasures (other than FOOD) that i am refusing to give up is a good night's rest. I refuse to deprive myself of sleep even if it means that i can't get work done. i mean, c'mon! the stresses of life cannot rob me of that basic need man.

where is God? i do talk to Father now and then, but never more than a short simple prayer. i know He deserves more than that.

The good thing is that i got past that one period where i wanted to simply run off to a secluded place to have a good cry and get a breather from everything. I've moved on from there, but i can't say that there won't be another episode. i could just be running on a concoction of panic, responsibility and adrenalin right now.

i feel like telling the world to just get lost and frekkin' leave me alone, man.

i'm going to bed. it's 12:55am, i didn't get any work done and frankly at this current moment, i don't care.

Yesterday, Gem and i went to the Samsung shop at JP to ask about the Jet's poor battery performance. Yes people. Promising as it may be, the battery life SUCKS for a new phone. One day of playing around with it, causes it to go flat already. It's only when i hardly touch it except for moderate amount of messaging does it last for a day without dropping a bar. But by the next morning (and i turned it off at night hor) with some messaging, it drops TWO bars. BLEARGH.

When Gem asked the guy at the counter, "Has anybody come to complain about the battery life for this phone?" The guy smiled, and said "no." I noticed he did not meet Gem's eyes, but instead looked at me. I immediately knew that this bloke was lying big time.

Ok firstly which person would give poor feedback about the phones you are selling unless you're the rare person who puts the customer FIRST and company (and potentially your job) SECOND? Secondly, a lot of people have had complaints about the battery life. I've read it online. (Sadly, i still took my chances.) Thirdly, which person, if telling the truth, would say "no" and SMILE (unless he was genuinely proud of the product. but he did not seem proud of it at all. and his smile was very "limited", not a full on smile.)?!

VERY put off.

Been driving on my own recently for short distances, like to gleneagles and back, to church and back. i find that i'm way less tense when i'm driving alone than when someone else is in the car.

anyway, PEOPLE WHO DO NOT SIGNAL ARE BIG FAT CAUSES FOR ACCIDENTS!!!

I almost got mauled by this goon (sorry, but i'm really pissed with people like this) who was whooshing down the lane next to the extreme right lane. So as i was turning out from my u-turn onto the extreme right lane, this fella zoomed into my lane WITHOUT INDICATING. SOMEMORE CAN HORN AT ME.

This caused me to swerve to avoid and I ended up driving onto the curb of the road divider. Sheesh.

Then today, as gem and i were about to cross the road, another goon came whooshing down and turned into the minor road WITHOUT SIGNALING. AGAIN. If i didn't somehow pause to see if the fella would stop, gem and i might've been tomato juice by then.

RAGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Methinks.... God still wants me alive for a higher purpose. Hur.

How can i forgive someone and move on with my life if the person in question may not have even repented, may not even be remorseful, may be living a life of continuous lying and deception? RIGHT IN MY FACE?

What's the point of so called being committed to moving on, forgiving, etc, when in the first place, the person on the other side hasn't even settled their side of the bargain.

Don't even think about building ANY relationship with me if you are still involved in your $%^&. As long as you are not clean from your wrongdoing, you're not getting ANY real respect from me.

Recently, we've been going through the topic of honour in church and i'm like. What the.

How do i honour someone who CLAIMS TO BE FOLLOWING GOD BUT IS STILL LYING STRAIGHT TO MY FACE?!?!?!

The very least i am doing is being civil because the person is a human being. That's ALL i can manage.

Was talking to one of the church leaders about dress code in church for leaders and on-stage worship team members.

While i totally understand their good intentions for not wanting us girls to wear sleeveless tops (leaders and on-stage musicians and singers), i can't help but feel that it's such an archaic rule in these recent times. It just reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who refused to allow me to wear sleeveless tops when we were together in junior college.

Sleeveless tops are SO normal these days. For me, they are staple because well, it helps me not get ARMPIT PATCHES from all that perspiration! I sweat a lot lor. And it's not as if i am dying to wear revealing clothes. The sleeveless tops i have are SO normal!

I commented to him: I wear sleeveless tops for practical reasons lor.
He shot back: I also wear slippers for practical reasons.

On hindsight, I should have told him that the issue is different. Slippers is a matter of just casting a presentable image. Sleeveless tops is a matter of seduction of the mind and/or having a presentable image. (Anyways, who says that you can't look presentable in a sleeveless top?)

So my question here is: So what is the difference if it is ok to choose to wear sleeveless tops OUTside of church? If the basis for not wearing them is to not stumble people, then we should not wear them AT ALL, for the good of ALL mankind, right?

But just think about it. No wearing of sleeveless tops AT ALL? Till you're like, 70 years old? Ridiculous!

It just reminds me again of how some people blame women for being raped because they wore seductive clothes. Do men not have parts of their brain meant for self control? Anyways, it's not just the clothes, but behaviour as well.. There is truth in saying that if a woman behaves like she wants trouble, then part of the blame is on her, but then again, can you honestly tell me if ANYONE really DESERVES to be raped?

My point here is: Choice. Whose choice? Freedom. Whose freedom? Logic. Whose logic?

***

I've currently taken to eating blocks of chocolate all by myself. hurhur. First, it was a cadbury milk choc and almond block, then it was a hershey's symphony milk choc and almond block, now it is a cadbury desserts creme brulee bar (courtesy of gem's mommy!).

I'm glad i'm meeting V to go jog later.

***

The bible says: "In your anger, do not sin."

Grr... While reversing out of my parking lot at HV yesterday, this driver in a mercedes wanted my lot and REFUSED to let me out because by moving, she would risk the chance that other drivers will get the lot. So she did not budge despite multiple horns from me (upon my sister's advice... otherwise i wouldn't dare and i didn't how know to because i don't know how the feeling of a horn blast is suppose to feel like.). Woah, i tell you. ALL she needed was to move forward a bit, but she NGIAH NGIAH didn't want to move, which meant that I could not move away, which meant that i was blocking the other cars in my awkward position and this caused a mini jam, with 3 cars lined up in front of me and don't know how many behind me.

Thankfully, there was space behind the mercedes to maneuver to allow the other cars to pass by first. Once the road was empty, i managed to drive out.

When we passed the driver, my sister and i were so curious to have a look at who that silly merc driver was. So inconsiderate!!!! My sister and i were quite disgusted.

I realized that quite a huge number of judgemental, angry, insulting thoughts can be generated just by driving and meeting such people on the roads.

Must guard my thoughts while driving man... Cos while it is natural to become angry, i cannot let the anger consume me and allow myself to speak negatvity into other people's lives.

If my current life could be summarized into a song title, it would be: What the @#$%.

Not only is my workload crazy, if that isn't bad enough, my personal life has to take a beating as well.

Yeah. What the @#$%, is a good song title.

Am i mad at God? No. Am i still dependent on God and trusting in Him? You bet. In fact, God is all the more important to me now than ever before. He is the only one i trust. Because humans can be so damn heinous.

But right now... God is out of the picture. My head and heart is just simply swimming in anger and sadness and i think the amount of poison being generated inside me right now can kill off a few hundred rats.

I need counselling. Pronto.

I want to run away. From school, work. Life.
Just make me freaking disappear.

There are times when i'm walking along the street and i think about the amount of work piled up and when i realized how much uncertainty i am facing, how many loose ends i have and tend to forget to address, i begin to visualize myself in my room trying to get an opportunity to cry my eyes out.

I am so stressed.

But when i get home, i am seized by duty and responsibility. I do what i need to. But it doesn't mean it's all ok. I still drag all the frustration about with me at my heels.

Sometimes i just need to let out the frustration to start on a cleaner slate.