First post after a month at work

Where have I been you ask?

It's been about 1 month since I've started at my new workplace. In summary... I'm on a ridiculously steep learning curve.

I've had 1 traumatic event, which happened to be my first ever case done as an employee. That sure was scarring, but I learnt valuable lessons: to not be intimidated, to find ways out from being cornered to give solutions.

And then though i had expressed reservations about working with a certain population of folks, i'm now working with them and I must say they are generally a delightful bunch once you can engage them.

There have been times that i mentally try to plan an escape route for myself... I entertain strange thoughts like running away to work in a cafe, run away to be employed in something less taxing on the social front... Things like that. Because things can get so hard. In the initial weeks, I was really shaking in my shoes, worried that I'll be assigned a counselee. I felt like I wasn't ready, I felt indescribably anxious. I was a wreck behind my desk. Stressed, worried, desperately praying, fearful, feeling inadequate. You name it.

To some extent, my anxiety has lessened... and I'm not sure if it's because my self psycho-ing is working or whether it's because I'm suppressing my fear. I've written out all the words of encouragement and prayer that people have given me and stuck them on my cubicle walls. I read them and meditate on them when I'm afraid. I have to constantly tell myself that I want to love my job, i'm just here to help, I'm just here to love, just here to be human to another human being. I want my life's purpose to be in sync with my job, and I want to see it as part of my life and not separate.

I knew this was a journey with the Lord, my choices have all along been made with the intention of following the Lord's guidance. I also knew that this wasn't an easy path to take, but I know that the Lord has meant for me to be here, right now. That's the thing that gives me the assurance to carry on and to carry on in good faith that He will protect me and lead me through no matter what.

I know that it's not an easy path to take because i began with the understanding that it's part of God's plan to mould me. And as we all know, a moulding and refining process is never easy. Hence the struggling. I'm faced with my personal fears every day. Which would explain my heightened levels of anxiety.

Yet looking back, i think i've come some way. About 2 years ago, i was way more anxious. While I waited for a student to walk in for counselling, I was in a state of near panic. I would be getting sweaty palms, elevated heart rate, racing thoughts. I remember jumping in my seat every time i heard the sound of the lift landing at the floor I was on.

I don't feel that kind of panic now, but i do still feel pretty stressed. So i take the time to examine my thoughts and try to plant more helpful thoughts in my head to stop myself from over thinking and reacting.

So yeah. This has been the state of affairs. Some might think i'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I am. I guess it's because i just don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to get better at what i do so that I would be able to bring more help than confusion.

Lord. Let me know that You are near. That I'm never alone in that counselling room. You are the greatest counsellor who ever lived and who still lives. Help me to love your people just like you do, and attend to their deepest needs wherever they are at. Help me to grow and mature, and to sharpen my skills so that I can help bring light to what has been in darkness. I'm determined to walk through this because you have ordained this so. Lord, have your way! In Jesus's precious name I pray, Amen.

I could have been born anywhere in this world. I could have been born in poverty, or a place where the news of Jesus has not been reached. I could have been born into a rich family, or a messed up family, rich or poor or average.

But God put me here. I know what comfort is. I also know pain. I know who God is because of my upbringing and being in a community that has helped lead me in my walk with God. I may not be in the most perfect situation, as there are always worst, or better.

And I see, that i have much to be thankful for. I don't know the whole picture, but there must be reasons for me to be here and not somewhere else. And that's comforting to know. :)

Thought for me today:

I can't just see a person for who he is to become and encourage them in that direction. I need to walk beside them, through the ugly parts and all, to bring them into the reality of that vision.

I looked down at the last piece of sushi in my plastic box as i was about to cross the road and i was overwhelmed by how fortunate i am to be able to not just eat, but to have the finances to enjoy food, and food that i like.

The food in my palm was a reminder that Sg has to import a large proportion of its food sources and that the balance of the food chain is so vulnerable to the health and state of our planet.

I was also reminded of the people in Japan. Here i was enjoying what many of the affected Japanese may not be able to at this point in time.

My heart ached, but i was also grateful to the Lord.

You can't just keep taking out from the emotional bank. Negativity, criticism, picking on faults. That's all you ever do. All you know. It is your legacy.

In order not to react, i cannot only shut you out mentally. I have to shut you out physically so that i will not hear anything you have to say.

muay thai?

I've been thinking about this for the longest time, to do some other sport other than running/jogging/walking/weight training. Those are good and cheap ways to exercise, and also pretty boring sometimes. I really could do with a challenge! So can my post-canada-chinese-new-year-feasting body. *burp*

but yes, have been thinking about this and i think it's about time to take some action. Some serious, literal action.

Hello, Evolve MMA...?

i've noticed that every time i log onto blogger of late, i see a new "follower" being added every now and then. i've never actually had blogger followers, just my regular friends who drop by to read.

this is quite new to me, so i'd like to just say, hi? :) and are you really reading this space? i'm just realllllyyy curious. :D

i wonder if this is what they call "post holiday depression". did i enjoy myself too much? or fell in love with Vancouver? or fell in love with being free? i need to work around my mental representations of what life is, or i'm going to be living in a dissatisfied daze.

i don't know why. i'm beginning this year with very strange negative vibes and feelings. it's as if, i'm angry at something, angry with a group of people, just plain angry at everything. it's making me just want to retreat to a very faraway place, to just communicate at the minimum level with people. although i know that that would make me feel lonely after a while. but still.

i also get this feeling of intense dissatisfaction. i don't know if this is because i've been away and i've seen another side to life. i wonder if other travellers feel the same way too.

it's feelings that come from knowing that there is so much more to life out there than here in Sg. The market here is so small, our daily occurrences are so small in comparison to what's happening out there. Basically, perspectives are so limited here.

You have to FIGHT for what you want to do. It seems like such a tough and unforgiving kind of society. Or, seems so. Life here seems to be about neverending striving, pace of life keeps you stressed and wanting to keep up to par with everyone and with expectations of society, of yourself and others. It's all about the doing, doing, doing, doing.

I know how Jonah from the bible feels. Knowing God's calling but wanting to run away from it. Running in the opposite direction, far far away. While Jonah knew God was calling, I have simply forgotten. I find myself wondering: did God really call me into this field of work? I can't remember.

Where has my heart gone, Lord? I feel it hiding underneath so much disappointment, angst and dissatisfaction. Can you revive it Lord, like, genuinely revive my heart? I feel so dead.

Counsellors and people who have done transcribing before will know this.

1hour of recorded conversation takes about 8 hours to transcribe. Recently did an interview that lasted 1hr 25 minutes or so. And i have 5 more interviews to do.

Jesus, I need your divine speed...

***

Opened the fridge to find little brown-yellow bits on the shelves. Thinking they were broken pieces of fried noodles, i nudged one of them with my finger to swipe it off the shelf. I noticed it was soft but thought, maybe it was the, i don't know, the cool air and liquids that softened the noodle.

Then it hit me. Each piece of "broken noodle" was the same length. One had a tiny black dot on it, conveniently looking like the noodle had an eye.

Then i thought: Worm? Maybe. But they aren't moving. Maybe they are dead.

Took a piece of tissue and picked one up and did a double take when i found that my noodle MOVED. IT WIGGLED. @#$$%$^%&*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you know me well enough, you will know that worms are my greatest nemesis. Next to snails.

I was shrieking bloody murder inside but managed to clear off all my "broken noodles" from the fridge shelves with enough tissue so that my fingers wouldn't be able to feel their soft bodies.

I called mum in her office (yes, i was that desperate to find out where in the world the critters came from) and i was told they came from one of the mangoes.

Now i jump at the slightest sensation of anything wriggly or ticklish on my skin. Ugh.

Note to self:

1) the left/back side of my oven sucks big time. Temperature rises really really fast, i finally saw it objectively with my oven thermometer.
2) the right side sucks small time, so beware.
3) To increase number of successful macarons, pipe batter in the middle of the tray and place in the middle of the oven, (therefore, try to "undermix" the batter a little since i'm going to have the batter sitting in the piping bag), OR,
4) Pipe as per normal but place tray in vertically and to the right side, and shift tray around as per needed. Eg. When macarons start to puff up, crack, etc. I'll still lose some though... I think i might go the way of point 3. Much less heartbreak and wastage.

Made some lemon ones with my newfound technique. Some got destroyed due to uneven heat but otherwise, i think i can now finally finetune my baking time to achieve a less dry macaron. 14 minutes seems a little too long. Shall try 12-13minutes the next time.

Chocolate shell with dark chocolate mint filling, and the other one is lemon with lemon curd filling. I can't wait to make my green tea with white chocolate ones! The green tea powder is pricey so i've to make sure that i can consistently make okay macarons before using the matcha powder.

The wedding and wedding dinner performance is over... My battery is low, but not flat yet.

Got a couple of thoughts here and there:

1) Self written vows (i think they were) are so beautiful, personalized, genuinely spoken from the heart and soul. I teared hearing the groom and bride say them to each other. Somehow, i was really touched at this wedding, more so than the others i have been to recently. The couple are such sweet people as individuals, and when they are together... Wow, amazing work of art by God. Made in Heaven!

2) Practiced so hard, but things didn't quite turn out as anticipated. But the piece of advice from a friend that kept me from being overly disappointed was: "It's all about the couple's happiness. It has nothing to do with us." That completely took the attention away from our inadequacies and mistakes and i felt instantly depressurized because i know that the couple was already so happy that we could be there and had put in the effort for them. As long as they are happy, whatever buangs we made, don't matter.

3) Dang, i have leveled up. I now know the difference between and Major7 and a 7. IT TOOK ME SO DARN LONG. I WANT TO LAUGH AT MYSELF! WAHAHAH! Self deprecatory joke aside, wow. I can now play a couple of jazz pieces. Not superbly well, but something decent to build upon.

4) I realized that God has given me so many gifts, which was something that someone pointed out to me recently. At first, i brushed the comment aside. After all, who would think that they were brimming with any talent? But upon honest reflection, i realize that, hey, God really did put in me a few tricks up my sleeve... And i'm really blessed for it. Now how to bless others with them?

5) Met TWO (very long lost) people very unexpectedly! Miss RC and ES. Wow. Thank God for the opportunity. It was naiiccce. :D

Battery going flat in about 3, 2, 1.

A couple of days ago, i was discussing adding a new bookshelf to my room with my mom. You know, to house my growing book collection on my profession and hobbies.

Then she said, "Aiya, you'll be married out and gone already..."

That struck a raw nerve in me that i never knew existed till that moment.
And now, it bothers me.

thought for the day

God made so many kinds of people and is always moulding all sorts of people to be who they were meant to be... Like, people...

who have keen business sense... to make money and give it away (hopefully)
who go through pain and hurt (or otherwise) to bring healing to the hurting
who are artistic, bringing another dimension of beauty that touches the hearts and souls of the beholders
who love probing into the realm of science, only to discover that there must be a higher brain behind all of it
who are annoying (at times or all the time)... to build patience and Godly love in the rest of us (haha, maybe this isn't biblical)

who do you think God made you to be? :)

It was funny how on a sunday morning when i was suppose to be watching Inception and getting my brain all twisted up with Gem, i landed up pretty much all alone with nothing urgent to do sitting at the Food Basement @ 313.

The taglines stuck on decals on the walls surrounding me read: 'Food to Go for People on the Go'.
And I was going nowhere.

In those moments, two things happened. One, i had time to sit and talk to God and pray. Which was such an irony. I was more free being out than i would be if i were sitting at home. Two, a family that descended on the seats next to me really blessed me. Not that they did anything to or for me. All they did was, BE a family. From the way parents spoke to the children, and children to parents, you could tell that there is love in the home and mutual respect for one another.

Though i was either looking straight ahead (of course sometimes secretly glancing at the children from the corner of my eyes) or having my eyes closed, i was smiling inside.

I read an article today in Shape magazine and was stoked over this term: ethnobotanist. An Ethnobotanist is a scientist who studies how people use plants. So in the pages that followed, there were suggestions on how to make home remedies for ailments that can be treated with the medicinal properties in plants.

This just sparked in me a few things.

WHAT?! THERE'S SUCH A THING?!?!?! WHY DIDN'T I KNOW? I'D HAVE GONE AND LEFT AND STUDIED THIS! (and of course, get out of Singapore's boring, boring pool of occupations and university courses)

Okay, well, yes the above and...

1) Passion

Yesterday, mum asked me: "what is your passion?"
I answered: Animals.

On hindsight, i should have said "nature". I love nature. It calms and fascinates me. Brings me close to God. Nature is insane. That is, insanely creative, ingenious, overwhelming, encompassing, unified.

2) "Aromatherapy" (i use this term loosely) and other natural remedies isn't Evil

I disagree with the belief that using plants for healing and recovery is something that is "not from God", as some people may say.

Think about this for a moment. The very ingredients that modern medicine is derived from are cultivated from natural elements --> Plants/Organisms. Who created plants and organisms? God. So if Christians can see medicine as one way that God helps man to heal from sickness, why not plants?

After all, God CREATED these very plants to have their medicinal properties. He basically provided His children on Earth with, i quote Shape magazine, "an all-in-one living supermarket, pharmacy and home improvement centre". God is an extravagant God. He blessed us with nature and all it has to offer, for our benefit. And it isn't just for the pretty view.

So, it isn't as airy fairy or as "new age" as it's made out to be. As long as we know who created all of these, and thank Him, the One who provided.

(Back to Passion. I love things to do with health. beauty. i'm vain, told ya! but i share good tips too!. sports. music. food and cooking.)
(so what am i doing being a counsellor to humans? well... That's God's doing. :) it's the passion to follow His will even though it scares me BAD. i always have thoughts of running away. But there's something i heard recently: fear is used by satan to stop us from doing God's will because he doesn't want us going where we should. so how? Lean on God, His love (God is Love, yo.). And as the wise book says, there is no fear in love.

Yet, the truth is. I always had this feeling that being a counsellor is my calling for this season, but may not necessarily be so for the rest of my life. I don't know if people have heard me, but when i share my testimony of why i'm in this profession, i always add, "I definitely know that this is what God wants for me to do, for now."

There, i said it in black and white.

I want to be a positive person. (And the only person who will ever hear me whine extensively will be Gem. What a privilege, my boy! HAHAHA.)

But seriously. Yes. I want to be a positive and optimistic person. Not overly so. Just having a balance of both optimism and realism, but inclining more towards someone who will try to look on the brighter side of things.

That said, i find that being a real optimist is NOT about denying the negative things around me. Being a balanced person is when I can acknowledge the bad, feel it, but after that, relax and let loose a little. To make a way around the problem and always look for the silver lining around every situation. Even if there are NO good things at all to speak of, well... it's better to let things go as soon as possible.

I remember a friend saying something along the lines of, "I choose to be happy because it's the only thing that makes sense!" And i was like, "Heck, YEAH!" Why choose to be sad, right? Having all them sad, whiny, grumpy hormones cycling around the body will only make you go downhill. I'm pretty sure that scientifically, decisively maintaining depressed feelings has never been a pill of health for anyone.

So yes. I always believe that whining for a while IS good. You NEED that outlet to let it go. Then after that, move on. No one likes a whiny person, and i certainly don't want to bring anyone down by being one.

Another thing i'm having to face everyday is learning to be humble, to know when the world doesn't owe me a living. To know when i'm wrong and to know when to just let go. Perspective helps. :) But of couse, there are also times when i get genuinely riled up, usually over injustice or being misunderstood and i allow myself to be angry. Well. That's life!

A friend once said some time ago that i'm a "nu chiang ren". Recently, he concluded that i still look like one on the outside, but i'm actually soft on the inside.

To my other friends who know me personally: am i either or neither?

Yesterday was our 4th year and 8 month anniversary... It's almost 5 years since we've gotten together. But if i were to hazard a guess, just for fun, of the amount of time that we've ACTUALLY been in each other's physical presence, i think it would only come up to... 2 1/2 to 3 years? HAHA. Mostly because we're both quite busy in this phase of our lives. Busy-ness usually ISN'T and SHOULDN'T be a reason to explain away the lack of time spent with your partner. But, we've been REALLY busy.

I guess we're both independent individuals who also enjoy our space and own activities, but of course each other's company as well. There is a comfort in being both apart and together. Perhaps that is easier to say and do for now since we've not started living under one roof. But still, we are who we are and we are perfectly fine without clinging to one another.

I've learnt though, that being TOO involved in your own life has its pitfalls because that sidelines the other person and s/he may be prone to wander... in whatever ways you can think of. It is never good to take the other person's presence for granted. So Gem and i do keep the smses going, though not all that often, but at least one sms conversation a day. Or a call.

There's been a lot of "wedding talk" around me recently. Friends talking about getting married soon and friends talking about the things i should do in prep for my own wedding... Not that he has proposed anyhow. hurhur. I can't wait to be at my friends' weddings, i don't mind being a jiemei over and over if they don't mind the supposed "inauspicious" aura around that. :P

to know life, is to know death

Strange urge to share this, and i posted it as a note on fb too:

Had my last class in NIE yesterday night. I returned home feeling as if part of my life got cut off suddenly with no closure. There were short farewells, and then the rapid disappearances of people i know and have journeyed with for two years, but suddenly feel so distanced from. I guess everyone was tired and itching to get home to rest and/or complete the assignments before the deadlines.

We usually close our last lesson with food and drinks, but somehow, we seemed to have lost the enthusiasm for such things.

I miss school life suddenly, now that i've had my last official lesson in NIE. And I realize that i want to treasure every last moment as a student for the next 6 months and not hurry the process.

Now i understand, just in part, of what it means to live life intentionally once you've understood what "the end" means. Coincidentally, this is linked to my last presentation for my module, which also happens to be my last presentation in NIE ever, which was on multicultural counselling for death and bereavement issues.

I started out my course knowing that it was going to be tough, and it was. I struggled and complained. But now I want to savour and grasp every last experience of what it means to be a student. That means, doing my assignments with relish, doing my dissertation with my utmost effort and interest, but yet also feeling the emotions of frustration and pressure, with appreciation and thankfulness instead of dread.

I will stop saying that i want to get out of school and get to work, because I don't know when's the next time i'll ever step into school as a student. Another Masters? PhD? Only God knows. I pretty much don't see the point unless i'll get to do hands on training/practice or if i'm making an actual contribution to something or someone.

Earlier would have been nice, but I'm glad these feelings came now and no later than this.

This concept probably isn't new to you, but i guess i just wanted to share these personal thoughts from my experience.

Life doesn't "begin", or get "happier" or "easier" after a (tough) phase or journey is over. Because there will always be new milestones and new phases, Life therefore happens every second. It is how i let my heart and mind perceive my experiences and what meaning i make and attach to every passing moment that gives life, Life.